Thanks for the review! I really enjoyed your recap of the characters.
Query Letter / Into The Master's Lair - Query and First Chapter (Analysis)
Laurie A Will
E4191 County Road P
Menomonie, WI 54751
715-235-4092
laurieawill@witty.com
September 24, 2008
Mr. Laurence J. Kirshbaum
LJK Literary Management, LLC
708 3rd Avenue, 16th Floor
New York, NY 10017
Dear Mr. Kirshbaum,
I am seeking representation for my novel Into The Master’s Lair. This 135,000 word fantasy with a romantic twist falls somewhere between Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman’s Dragons of Autumn Twilight series and Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth series. Into The Master’s Lair is the first book in a series about a woman’s struggle to rise above her fear and guilt and survive the perils of an alternate world.
Twenty-five year old Lauriana is taken from our world into a parallel universe, one of magic. She must defeat an evil wizard and save the world before the gods will allow her to return home. She falls in love with her trainer and still loves someone at home. She feels guilty not only because of her feelings for her trainer, but because her two brothers and two cousins insist on staying in the new world to help her.
Mikell, a ranger and an heir to a throne he abdicated to his brother, has dreamed about Lauriana and loved her for most of his life. He vows to protect her and help her on her journey. He realizes that if they are successful, the woman he loves will return to her home without him. As he struggles to help the woman he loves, threats from his past resurface and endanger her life.
The Master is nearing the end of his life. He must find Lauriana, the key to his immortality and ruling the world. Embittered from his tragic past, he vows revenge and taunts Lauriana in her dreams.
Lauriana and Mikell must follow their hearts toward an uncertain destiny and defy the odds. At best, Lauriana will have to choose between two worlds and two loves.
I have completed a novella, two screenplays, and three novels. I have an MA in Mass Communications, which included writing courses.
I am currently working on a setting up a blog and website to promote my novel.
Below, please find the first chapter of Into The Master’s Lair. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Laurie A Will
Chapter One
-1-
His lips curled back as he threw the wineglass. The goblet hit the far wall. Shards of glass and drops of scarlet wine showered the plush gray carpet. Why hadn’t the boy returned by now? The man leaned back on the obsidian throne and drummed his fingers against the ornately carved arm.
Pulling a key out of a pocket in his robes, he left his seat and opened a door off the throne room. When he entered, torches along the wall flared to life. This was by far the simplest chamber in his lair, only a small cavern. The conditions for using his spying mirrors had to be perfect; anything extraneous could interfere. The man stopped in front of a large mirror in the middle of the room and waved his hand. The image swirled and turned to green smoke. When it cleared, he saw the girl in her own world, at a party in a backyard; she was visiting her parents again. He’d had no doubt she would. He absently stroked the ammolite amulet around his neck as he watched. Each touch of his hand brought brilliant iridescent flashes of green, gold, and red swirling to the surface of the gray gem.
A sudden gust of wind tossed her hair into her face. Lauriana brushed the locks out of the way and shaded her eyes as she watched the little girl inch her way up the hill. She scanned the crowd for girl’s mother, but couldn’t spot her among the fifty guests. She hadn’t been able to talk her mother out of inviting all her relatives to the party. The only celebration she looked forward to, was the one she’d have later with Ari. She checked her watch. Five more hours and they could go back to his place.
She frowned at the huge pile of bricks in the yard and then looked at her brothers. They hadn’t left the buffet table all afternoon. Marcus held a heaping plate of barbecued ribs and Sheridan loaded up his third helping of potato salad. Marcus stood over six feet tall and had a muscular build, but she still thought he ate enough for three men. Her younger brother on the other hand, wasn’t quite as tall and sported a small belly, evidence of his eating habits and dislike of exercise. When they weren’t stuffing their faces, they argued. They’d promised mom and dad they’d put up a retaining wall over two months ago, yet the pile of bricks still sat at the bottom of the hill. Her cousin Winnie handed her a wine cooler and plopped down in the lawn chair next to hers.
Lauriana pointed to the little girl, who neared the top of the hill. “Where’s Maya’s mother?”
Winnie sniffed and pulled strands of light blond hair out of her face. “I heard Aunt Ginny mumbling earlier that there wasn’t any bourbon here. She went to buy some. Your boyfriend went with her. He was afraid she was already too drunk to drive and couldn’t convince her to stay. They should be back any minute”
That was just like Ari, always concerned about everyone’s welfare. “If I had a dollar for every bar I’ve dragged Ginny out of, I’d be able to retire now. Who’s supposed to be watching Maya? I mean, she’s only four, right?”
Winnie nodded. “I don’t think anyone’s watching her.”
“No, don’t climb the fence,” Lauriana said. Maya crawled up the beige lattice deer fence, perched on the top, and threw her hands in the air. Lauriana leaned forward and held her breath. Maya teetered and plunged toward the ground. She hit the grass, bounced, and picked up speed as she tumbled down the hill toward the pile of bricks.
Lauriana sprang to her feet. Time seemed to slow down as she sprinted across the lawn. She heard a scream, but the voice was distant. Ginny had picked the perfect time to return. Lauriana’s heart sank. What if she didn’t get there in time? She only had one chance. She exploded into the air thrusting her arms out in front of her. Maya flew up into the air, landed in Lauriana’s arms, and let out a wail. Lauriana grimaced as she fell hard on the bricks, the force driving the air from her lungs. Ginny ripped the child away.
A crowd formed around Lauriana, ignoring Ginny’s drunken tirade. Whenever something happened when she was drunk, it was someone else’s fault. Lauriana could hear worried voices asking if she was okay, but she couldn’t find her breath.
Her father gently laid his hand on her back. “Don’t move.”
She groaned as the air began to fill her lungs again. Her whole body throbbed. “I, I’m okay,” she croaked. Her brother, Marcus, helped her roll off the bricks but stopped her when she tried to sit up. “I’m fine.”
His cheek twitched as it always did when he was annoyed with his little sister. “Just lie still for a few minutes.”
“Your brother’s right,” her dad said. “Stay still.”
She rolled her eyes and lay back down. “All right. What about Maya? Is she okay?”
“She appears to be fine.”
Lauriana felt a wave of relief. She watched a couple of black clouds roll in while she bided her time until her family would allow her to get up. Her mother arrived with the first aid kit and started to clean up her bloodied elbows and knees.
She sat up. “This isn’t necessary. I’m an adult. I don’t think I need you to clean up my scrapes.”
Her mother ignored her protests. Lauriana flopped back down. How long did she have to be an adult before her mother treated her like one? If her whole body didn’t hurt, she’d get up and walk away.
“How does it feel to be a hero?” her cousin Jenessa asked.
“Let’s not make a big deal out of this. I was the first to see her fall and did what anyone else would do under the same circumstances.”
Winnie and Jenessa grinned at her. “What?”
“I didn’t know you could run that fast,” Winnie said.
Jenessa’s eyes danced as the wind ruffled her short chestnut brown hair. “That was amazing.”
Lauriana let out a quiet sigh. Her birthday party was a big enough deal. She didn’t need to add hero status. She got to her feet and her legs wobbled.
Sheridan grabbed her arm and steadied her. “Take it easy.”
The crowd burst out in a round of applause and she felt her face redden. She looked down at her tattered blouse and favorite blue shorts. “I guess it’s safe to say these clothes are ruined.”
“I’ll take you to the house,” Marcus said.
Before she could get out a sharp retort, Sheridan came to her rescue. “If she needs your help, she’ll ask for it.”
She flashed him a grateful look and ignored Marcus’s scowl. She could always count on her baby brother to take her side against her overbearing older one.
As she limped toward the house, she saw Ari running across the lawn. He grabbed her by the arms. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“Just a little fall. No big deal. I’m going to go clean up.”
In an instant the sky turned pitch black. Jagged streaks of lightning lit the backyard. Thunder crashed and echoed throughout the valley. Rain poured from the sky, as the wind howled and whipped. She and the other guests were drenched in seconds, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the mass of black clouds that had settled over her parent’s house. White ice balls hit the ground and bounced in different directions. She felt a tug on her hand as Ari pulled her toward the house.
The man waved a hand and the mirror went blank. A grin spread across his face. Soon he’d be able to leave this cave and start his plans. He was so close. Had it been plans of vengeance that had kept him going over the centuries? Or was it the need to gain the power he deserved? Not that it mattered; one would lead to the other. And he still lived while countless enemies had turned to dust.
After returning to the throne room, he poured another glass of wine. A worn tapestry used to cover the rock wall caught his eye, a vivid depiction of a long ago battle. He tired of being confined to this simple room. His whole lair was a cave within a magic boundary he created to conserve the power he had left; he must remain inside, for now. If he left, he’d die within hours. In a matter of months, it wouldn’t matter whether he was in his lair or not, he’d die unless he had control of the girl.
He swished the wine in his glass and took a sip. He could cast spells that reached beyond the boundary, but there was only so much he could do from a distance and preferred to see the results of his spells firsthand. That would change after he had the girl.
He looked up as the boy scurried in.
Adamek bowed. “It is done, my lord.”
The man brushed his long white hair away from his face with delicate hands that looked too small compared to his size. “You delivered the package?”
“Yes, my lord.” He shifted his feet as the man’s dead black eyes bored into him. The blood in his veins turned sluggish. A drop of sweat trickled down the side of his face.
“Are you sure no one saw you?”
“Quite sure, my lord. I waited until no one was looking. I left the package and recited the incantation as per your instructions.” As if he dared not to.
“You retrieved the item I need?”
“Yes, my lord. I left it in your chamber.”
“Excellent. Leave me now. I must think.”
He watched the boy dart from the room as he returned to his throne. He never got used to people’s reaction, the horror they felt when they saw his eyes. What they took as a sign of evil was merely the result of centuries of absorbing magic.
Soon he’d have the girl and once he had her under his control, he’d have the power to get what he wanted. He smiled as he returned to his throne. He leaned back and stroked his amulet.
-2-
Lauriana headed for the back of the house, dodging guests along the way. The wind and rain beat against the house, almost drowning out the excited chatter of the guests. Most of them were packed together like sardines in the living room and the den. As she passed a door off her mother’s pristine kitchen, an odd feeling came over her. She felt like a force was drawing her to the cellar, which she knew was absurd. This wasn’t the first time since visiting her parents.
She continued down the narrow hallway to the laundry room, grabbed an armload of towels from the linen closet, and spun around. The towels flew from her arms and her face hit a massive chest. She drew in a sharp breath. Two strong hands grabbed her by the shoulders and steadied her.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Ari grinned at the look on her face, wide eyes, jaw hanging open. “I thought you could use some help with the towels.”
“You nearly gave me a coronary.”
Ari pulled a strand of wet strawberry blonde hair out of her face. “Maybe I can make it up to you.” He ran his hands down her spine, pulled her against him, and kissed her for a long time. He was tired of sharing her with the other guests and only wanted to be alone with her.
She moaned softly, pushed him away, and smiled. “Let’s not get carried away.”
“We could go to your old room and get carried away.”
She raised an eyebrow. “In the middle of my party? I don’t think so. In a few more hours we’ll head back to your place and then you can have me to yourself all night long.”
“I don’t think I can wait that long.”
“All right,” she said in a husky voice, “but It’ll take too long to get to my old room. Let’s do it right here.”
He stared at her as her blue eyes twinkled. She couldn’t be serious. But that didn’t stop the stirring he felt in his pants. “On the floor?” He glanced at the white and rose checkered linoleum.
“What’s the matter? I thought you said you couldn’t wait?” She flashed him an innocent smile.
“You win,” Ari said. “But I plan to spend every spare moment with you until you leave for Cambridge. Once you start at Harvard, you won’t have much time for me.” Lauriana’s body tensed. “Is everything okay?” He stroked her cheek.
“You are still looking forward to going, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am. Don’t be silly. There’s just so much to do to get ready. It’s a little overwhelming.”
“I’d go with you if I could.”
“I know. You’d just be in the way.” Lauriana ran her fingers down the buttons on the front of his shirt. “It doesn’t matter because you can’t. You have buildings and houses to design. Projects to oversee.”
He smiled. “But I am the boss, so I can sneak away and visit you if you have time for me.”
“I’ll always have time for you.”
She scooped up the dropped towels and pushed them into his arms. “Take these out to the guests. I’ll grab another load and be right behind you.”
“Wait.” He set the towels down on a small table along the wall. “Since I have you alone for the moment, I want to give you one of your presents now.”
“You do?”
Ari reached into his front shorts pocket and handed her a small jewelry-sized box. She tore the paper away and lifted the cover off the box. Two gold intertwined hearts hung from a chain. Her face lit up. “It’s beautiful.”
“One of the hearts has your birthstone and one has mine, a symbol of how we belong together. I have matching cufflinks.”
She handed the necklace to him, turned around, and held up her hair. “Will you put it on me?”
After closing the clasp on the necklace, he spun her around and gave her a tight hug. She gasped and pulled away grabbing her side.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m sure I just bruised my ribs or something. I’ll be okay in a minute.”
“I’m taking you to the hospital.” Ari took her by the arm, but she pulled away.
“No. I don’t need a doctor. Besides, the storm is too bad, you wouldn’t be able to see two feet in front of the car.”
He studied her carefully. She always down played every ache and pain. “The last time you told me you were fine you ended up in the ER with a ruptured appendix.”
“That was different.”
“If you don’t let me take you to the doctor, I’ll tell your parents you’re hurt.”
“You can’t do that. You know how they get. Half of the time they treat me like I’m twelve instead of in my twenties.”
“If you go first thing in the morning, I won’t say a word.”
“Agreed, now take the towels and go.”
-3-
After he left, Lauriana took a deep breath and let it out. Why did she get an uneasy feeling whenever she thought about the future? All she ever wanted to do was go to law school and she looked forward to a life with Ari. Maybe her uneasy feeling had nothing to do with either one. She grabbed an armload of towels and headed back to the guests.
The air felt hot against her skin and heavy in her lungs. Fifty bodies allowed for standing room only. Lauriana felt like a drowned rat, her hair plastered to her head. Most of the food was ruined and so were her presents. She hoped that this party was not indicative of what the 25th year of her life had in store for her. She had been sure that something exceptional would happen this year, but now she started to have doubts.
Aunt Ginny approached with a snarl on her face, her red hair matted in big clumps around her triangular face. “You picked a fine time to have a party. Who has party when there’s going to be a big storm!” she yelled. Her shrill voice cut easily right through the sound of the storm.
“I didn’t pick the day, my mother did. And she checked the forecast; there wasn’t any rain due for over a week.”
Ginny threw her chin in the air and pushed the matted hair away from her face. “If my clothes are ruined, you’re going to pay for them. It’s the least you can do after nearly killing my daughter!”
“What –”
The woman stomped away before Lauriana had a chance to respond to the ridiculous accusations. She wondered if she could convince her mother to throw Ginny out into the storm.
The drone of voices and the wall-to-wall bodies made it difficult to breathe. Lauriana remembered the sensation she’d felt by the cellar door. No one would think to look for her there. She saw Ari across the room talking to Marcus. Once the two of them started talking, they’d be occupied for some time. No doubt talking about the ’69 T-Bird Marcus was restoring in his shop. Even with his dark blond wavy hair matted to his head from the rain, Ari still looked like a god. His chiseled features and sculpted muscles made her mouth water. She shook her head. She never thought she’d fall for one of her brother’s friends. It had its drawbacks.
Lightning struck the ground somewhere not far away. The lights flickered and went out. Thunder cracked and shook the house. Lauriana slipped through the cellar door while guests stumbled around looking for flashlights and candles.
Her hand found the metal railing and let it guide her down the steps. She reached up on the shelf and felt along the ledge until her hand closed on what she looked for. Lauriana struck a match and looked around the room. The place that had captivated her as a child was now just an ordinary cellar. The same old dusty shelves; one set lined with canned goods and one with useless junk someone in the family couldn’t part with. Lightning flashed through the small window throwing ominous shapes against the bare cement wall as the storm raged.
She suddenly felt so alone. How ironic that she could be in a house full of people and still feel alone. The truth was sometimes she felt like she didn’t belong here, as if she was living the wrong life. The problem was she had no idea where she did belong.
She walked over to the far corner. One side of the wine rack moved a few inches away from the wall. “Ouch.” She dropped the match, shook her burned fingers, and brought them to her lips. She lit another match and examined the wine rack a little closer. The rack actually moved. Goose bumps broke out on her flesh. Was that a door? For over twenty years, she had been coming down here. How could she miss a door? A simple wooden door with two parallel metal bands, one near the top and one near the bottom. The wood looked ancient and at odds with the rest of the house. Dust and cobwebs caked the edges.
The stairs creaked. She whirled around. A beam from a flashlight blinded her. She walked toward the stairs, a hand shielding her eyes.
“Mom? What are you doing down here?”
Lena stood on the steps with her hands on her hips frowning. “I need more matches for the lanterns and candles. What are you doing down here when you should be entertaining the guests?”
“I just wanted a few minutes to myself. I’ll be right up.”
“Well, hurry it up. The only food that was still in the house during the storm was the cake and ice-cream. We are going to serve it whether the power’s on or not.”
Her mother turned around, and marched back up the stairs. Lauriana pushed the wine rack back against the door and rejoined the party.
She appeased her mother by cutting the cake and scooping ice-cream. The storm let up and the guests started leaving eager to shed their wet clothing and to check the damage to their cars and homes. Lauriana felt a wave of relief wash over her. She never liked being the center of attention.
-4-
Marcus stood next to his younger brother and looked out at the yard, surveying the storm damage. Branches and shingles littered the ground. A large sugar maple branch about as thick as his arm, lay on the ground just inches from his car. The neighbor’s properties appeared to be untouched. He frowned. He knew he’d be spending next Saturday helping his father put new shingles on the roof and cleaning up the yard. Marcus turned his head when the screen door creaked open. Ari stepped out on the covered porch and grinned at him with the same stupid grin he’d had on his face all day.
“What is with you today?”
Ari reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a small black velvet box.
Sheridan snatched the box out of Ari’s hand and opened it.
Marcus’s eyes widened. “Is that what I think it is?”
Ari grabbed the ring and put it back into his pocket. “I have a special evening planned. I’ll ask her tonight.”
Marcus couldn’t believe his little sister was going to be married. He knew she’d never say no to Ari. He hadn’t been thrilled when he found out his best friend had designs on his sister. But by the time he found out that Ari was seeing his sister they were inseparable. He was still irked that Ari never talked to him about it ahead of time.
He knew that something happened that had brought the two of them close quickly, but Ari refused to tell him what. He knew that his sister had needed help with something serious and instead of coming to him for help, she went to his friend. Ari was already in love with her and offered to help.
“Does she suspect anything?”
“Not a clue. But the more I thought about it, the more it just seemed right that we embark on this next part of our lives as husband and wife. She doesn’t even know I am planning to move my business to Boston.”
“You don’t believe in long engagements do you?” Marcus asked.
“I want to spend the rest of my life making her happy and as long as she’s sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, why wait?”
Sheridan snorted. “She’ll be sure.”
“That’s great,” Marcus said. “I’ll take you both out to celebrate next week.”
Lauriana spotted Ari and stepped out onto the porch. It figured he’d still be with Marcus. Her brother always tried to monopolize his time. She inhaled deeply, savoring the fresh smell after a cool summer storm.
Marcus handed her a small package. “What’s this?” she asked.
“The only present that didn’t blow away in the storm. I found it in the corner of the porch. It must have blown up here. I think you can find the rest of your gifts scattered about the neighborhood.”
“Figures.”
Ari put his arm around her. “I have to go now and make sure everything is perfect for your special surprise tonight.”
Lauriana smiled. “I hope you’re not going to too much trouble just for me.”
“Not possible.” Ari kissed her and headed off the porch and out of the yard.
She felt a sudden urgency to call him back that she didn’t understand. Instead, she turned the small crimson box over in her hands. No tag. She tore open the paper, lifted the lid on the box, and wrinkled her brow as she pulled out a silver chain with a large tarnished key on it.
“Who would give me this? What’s it for?”
Sheridan scratched his head. “You got me.”
“Do you guys think you could meet me in the cellar in about fifteen minutes?” Having no other place to put it, she slipped the chain around her neck.
Marcus frowned. “Sure, but why?”
“Just meet me in the cellar in fifteen and I’ll show you.” She rushed away before they could respond.
-5-
The hairs on her neck stood on end as a shudder crept up her spine. Lauriana felt like turning around and running back up the steps, but as if they had a mind of their own, her feet moved forward. She set her flashlight down on a shelf nearby and pulled the wine rack forward. She felt a hand on her back, and stiffened.
“You two scared me half to death.”
“What are you doing?” Marcus asked.
“Look.”
“What in the hell? I didn’t know there was a door here.”
She turned to Sheridan. “Did you know?”
“I never knew about it either.”
Lauriana bent down and picked up a gray cloth from the floor. “This is why. It’s always been hanging on the wall. That along with the rack being in front of it, no one ever noticed. I tried to move the rack far enough ahead to open the door, but I couldn’t do it by myself. Would you help me?”
Sheridan grabbed one side of the wine rack. “Let’s do it.”
They moved the wine rack away from the wall without spilling any of dad’s prized whiskey, which is what their father kept on his wine rack.
She tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge. “Maybe there’s a key somewhere.”
She felt along the doorframe as Marcus began to search the shelves.
Sheridan grabbed her arm. “Wait a minute.” He picked up the key around her neck. “Try this one.”
“No… It can’t be.”
She stuck the key in the lock. The tumblers turned with a loud click. She glanced at her brothers and then slowly opened the door. Before she could step into the room, Marcus grabbed her arm with one hand and shut the door with the other. He positioned himself between her and the door.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m going to check this out.”
“I think it’s just a little too convenient that you received a key by an unknown person the same day as you find this door. This could be dangerous,” Marcus said.
She looked to Sheridan, but found no support. He stepped next to his brother. “Marcus is right for a change. It’s like someone wants you to go into that room. We better leave it alone.”
Lauriana didn’t know why, but she felt compelled to go into the room. She also knew that she wouldn’t let her brothers stop her. She understood their concern. The situation did seem odd. But the idea of someone luring her into a secret room in her parent’s cellar seemed ludicrous. There had to be a logical reason for the key, the room, everything.
“Sheridan and I will check it out first,” Marcus said. “Then if it’s safe, you can look around.”
“This is crazy, it’s just a room. It’s probably been undisturbed for who knows how long.”
“Then why would a key show up suddenly?” Marcus asked. “The embankment is on the other side of this wall.”
“So?”
“There could be a tunnel underneath the hill to God knows where allowing access to this house.”
“Listen to yourself, Marcus!” She ran her fingers through her hair and walked away. “Let’s say for argument’s sake you’re right. Why would they wait until my party? If they were after me, why would they wait until I was in a house full of people? Why would they think I would even come down here?” She turned around and faced her brothers with her hands on her hips. “And last of all, why would they come after me here? I haven’t lived here for seven years.”
Marcus crossed his arms over his chest and didn’t budge. “You’re not going into that room until I’ve checked it out.”
“Have it your way. Let’s go tell Dad. He’ll probably want to check it out too.” She headed toward the steps. When her brothers reached her, she bolted toward the wine rack and threw open the door. The air around her wavered as she ran into the room. She could hear her brothers calling her name, but when she looked back all she could see was a thick white fog. Torches flickered, casting dark shadows along the wall. A musty smell filled her nostrils and each footstep set off a little cloud of dust.
Her brothers burst through the door and stopped in their tracks. Marcus glared at her and Sheridan just shook his head.
“One of these days you are going to get into a lot of trouble because you don’t listen to me,” Marcus said.
“I listen to you when you make sense. Look at what I found.” She pointed to four weapons mounted on the wall, a two-handed sword, a bow, a battle-axe and a dagger. The sword had her name under it. Her brothers’ names were each under a weapon too. The name under the fourth had been eroded over time. She looked at the luminous sword hanging over her name and ran her fingers over the blue gems encrusted on the hilt.
“Wait! Don’t touch anything,” Sheridan said.
She grasped the hilt of the sword. A loud grinding noise filled her ears. The floor in the middle of the room opened. A large pedestal with four slots rose into the middle of the room. The slots looked like they were meant for weapons. She turned the sword over in her hands and then spun around swinging the sword in the air. Sheridan yelped and jumped out of the way but not before the sword caught the tail of his shirt and she heard a loud rip.
“Hey, this is my favorite shirt!”
She felt the color rise in her cheeks as Lauriana covered her mouth with her hand. “I am so sorry.” She stifled a laugh. “I swear, I didn’t know you were there.”
“Just keep that thing away from me. Let’s get out of here. We shouldn’t be messing around with this room. There’s something wrong here.”
“I agree,” Marcus said. “Until we know what we’re dealing with, we should back off.”
This had to be a trick; none of this seemed possible. She walked over to the pedestal and tried the sword in the slot, a perfect fit. “As long as we’re here, what harm can there be. I admit, I’m a little freaked out, but there’s no one here and there’s no other way into this room. We got four cement walls around us. Let’s try the other weapons in the pedestal. I want to see what happens.”
Marcus stared at her for a few moments and snatched the weapon off the wall. “I always wanted a bow like this.”
“I’m not touching anything,” Sheridan said.
“Please? Don’t be such a killjoy. What could it possibly hurt?”
“It could hurt plenty,” Sheridan grumbled as he grabbed the battle-axe. They placed their weapons in the slots in the pedestal.
Nothing happened.
Marcus rubbed his chin. “Are you satisfied? Can we get out of here now?”
“I think we need the fourth person. But who could it be?” Lauriana asked. As if to answer her question, she heard Winnie’s voice.
“Hey, is there anyone down here? The cellar door is open.”
“We’re in here, over by the wine rack,” Lauriana called.
“I never knew there was a door here?” Winnie stepped into the room. Her jaw dropped. “What’s going on here?”
“We don’t know,” Marcus said. “Lauriana found this room and against my orders, she decided to check it out.”
“This is really strange. I can’t believe this. How’d this stuff get here?”
Lauriana shrugged her left shoulder. “I can’t explain it. The wall was hidden all this time.” She felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. “But, that wouldn’t explain how the torches lit themselves or who engraved our names on the wall.”
Sheridan grabbed her arm. “You didn’t light the torches?”
“No, they lit themselves when I walked in here.”
“Maybe they were doused with some sort of chemical that requires more oxygen than was allowed in this room,” Winnie suggested. “When you opened the door, it activated the torches. I just came to say good-bye. Jenessa and I are going to leave. Although now I think I’d like to stay to see how this turns out.”
“Would you do me a favor, grab that dagger on the wall and then bring it over here.”
Winnie hesitated for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
She returned with the dagger and stuck the blade into the pedestal.
The pedestal split apart, thick blue smoke billowed from its center. Lauriana’s eyes widened as she and the others began to cough and choke. She tried to turn and run but her feet wouldn’t move. She tried to wrap her mind around what was happening, but couldn’t. Her eyes stung and her lungs ached. Her heart thudded in her chest, as she watched the others one by one drop to the floor grabbing their throats. Her last thought before she lost consciousness was of Ari. She’d never see him again.
Jenessa weaved in and out of the guests and headed for the back of the house. Where had her sister gone? She needed to get back and check her apartment. She had a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach that told her that she had left a window open.
Despite the freak storm, the party had been great. She enjoyed seeing her cousin again. The older they got, the less time they had for each other. She’d never forget how Lauriana flew through the air and caught Maya. But then that was her cousin. She would walk through fire without a moments thought if someone she cared about needed help.
When she reached the kitchen, she heard faint shouts coming from the cellar and ran down the steps.
“What’s going on in here?” She held her breath and made her way through the black smoke. Her foot hit something solid and she fell to the floor. Jenessa felt panic rise in her chest when she realized what had tripped her, a body. She had to get help, but her legs wouldn’t move from the floor. She couldn’t hold her breath any longer and began to cough and choke. The world went black.
The smoke cleared. The halves of the pedestal came together. The door to the room closed and locked. The gray cloth floated up and hung itself on the wall. The wine rack slid back against the wall. The lights flickered and came back on. No sign remained that anyone had ever been in the cellar.
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sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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Very, very good. You are talented, your story and characters develop well. I think you are very creative in the way you have the girl find the door in the basement. Very cool. I can’t wait to see this in the form of your first novel! Best of luck to you!
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice query letter. You get give a brief but thorough outline of your work. This is all that is needed. Many people ramble on and on, needlessly. This is the best query letter that i have seen.
Very interesting opening scene with the Master looking on the mirror Good visuals: the torches comming to life, the stroking of the amulet around his neck. I can see this very plainly.
This is chapter 1 i am assuming. I am very happy to see the Master interjected into page six. I also like the foreshadowing of the rain and thunder and lightning.
I assume you will tell the reader why Laurianna is so important ot the Masters immorality. How old will your readers be? i asked because of the sexual contents.
I am happy to see the bonding between Lauriana and Ari. The connection will be important when she meets her trainer. The triangle will interest the reader.
Ginny threw her chin in the air and pushed the matted hair away from her face
How about Jenny thrust her chin forward …..?
I like the edge of Lauriana feeling that she doesn’t belong. Its as if she knows what her future might hold—as if she senses the Master.
Do you think the Ari should give Lauriana so many presents. He has already given her the hearts? It seems like a little much.
The key idea was very clever. I see nothing wrong with your sentences structure or grammar. I like the turn it has taken. I am enjoying the mystery of it.
The sceret room must be somehow connected to the history of the house or the family. The reader may need to know about how the family connects with the Master and how Lauriana is valuable to his mortality. The house must play some role in it because of the secret room. Was their a family connection between Lauraina’s family and the Master. Maybe an ancestory connection maybe even blood. The work is very well crafted, the transitions smooth and the theme is very interesting. I have brought up some things that i think might make it more interesting. Sandi
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
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Upon first reading ‘curled back’ sounds odd. Lips curl up or down due to their 2D nature. This sounds as though the lips were curling into his face. Also, I am not sure this conveys the subsequent anger. An expression like ‘nostrils flared’ or even ‘lips trembled’ would perhaps make this clearer.
You call it ‘wineglass’ in the first sentence and then ‘goblet’ in the second. I think settling on one would make more sense. Although modern wineglasses can also be referred to as goblets, one tends to think of goblets as being elaborate receptacles, made from gold or silver, and not glass.
‘Drops’ sounds a little redundant given the mess made from the wine. Perhaps ‘blobs’ or ‘pools’ here.
“door off…” = a door beside or near the throne room? I was unsure what ‘off’ indicated here. I think for a final draft these words and phrasings have to be very clear. More experienced readers will notice this.
“perfect; anything” = I would use the dash here, as it gives more weight to the final half of the sentence.
‘flared to…” = flared into life?
“shaded her eyes” = in what sense here? This makes me think of applying mascara, rather than concealing her eyes.
“to, was” = lose the comma here.
“brother on the other hand,” = insert comma after ‘brother’
“neared” = who was near
This story has been on Urbis for a long time now, so here is what I like about the writing and my main criticisms of the piece.
I think the writing strikes a fine balance between accessible prose and believable dialogue. I find when the characters are interacting and taking us into their world that the piece is at its most compelling. I also see a genuine passion for this genre shining through, and the research is toned down well enough so as not to bog the reader down in too much hocus pocus detail.
What I would argue is that the writing is not at its finest whenever involved in specific descriptions of complex, fantastical ideas. Also, the characters actions read more like an attempt to make their reactions interesting and this creates a comic book element to the tale, which I am not sure is the intention. I see a confusion as to trusting your instincts with what to keep in and what to edit out. I also find the prose lacking in an eccentric voice, which I think is crucial for this genre, since its charm is its charm.
Best of luck with the submission,
Harold
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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The query letter is overall pretty well done so I’ll just move on to the story.
The opening establishes three critical points: The characters, the context of the story, and of course . . . The conflict. The reader immediately knows from the ominous beginning who the villain is and that he has some nefarious plans for the main character, Lauriana.
As for her beginning, it’s made equally clear that she’s quick-witted, fast on her feet, and in a way, self-sacrificing as she takes a pretty mean tumble to save the neglected child, Maya.
So these two points being made, I’d commend you highly on a strong hook that catches the reader’s attention. This is of course is very important, and in my opinion, you nailed it here. Kudos.
One point I’d like to suggest is making it clear that Ari drove with Ginny to pick up the booze. They way it’s stated now, he just “went with her” and I get the sense he’s a responsible one, “looking out for other people’s welfare” so this is a way to reinforce that to the reader.
The jumping forth of the narrative between Lauriana’s world and the Master’s Lair is done pretty seamlessly. The foreboding storm strengthens the feeling that something is awry, or if it’s not, it’ll be that way soon.
In the mix of this dark foreshadowing, there’s the obvious point that Ari is planning to propose marriage to Lauriana. The reader knows their will be a serious conflict as the story progresses, but at this point, it’s not clear what that will be.
Let’s go tell dad. He’ll / Dad—No biggie.
Wow, it’s nice to read someone on Urbis that actually knows how to use a semi-colon properly.
”…jewelry sized box…” Could this just be jewelry box?
I like the way the narrative is set up. The reader is allowed into the thoughts of various characters. I see you’ve carefully plotted this out as well so that the shifts occur when the scenes change. Nice job.
All of the dialog seemed pretty spot on. It read very naturally, but not “chatty” as is sometimes the case with other writers that I’ve seen and reviewed on this site.
There is very little to say negatively about this piece. Reading through it was very enjoyable and therefore, my critical eye just kind of went to sleep. This is a piece that I’d rather just read than having to stop and make specific points about, but alas, that’s the way this site works. Sobeit.
I think this was a great sample chapter as it effectively introduced most of the characters and ended right as Lauriana and company disappeared from the cellar . . . It entices the reader to wonder what’s going to happen next. Great work!
-Curt
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very professional piece of work. I enjoyed reading your query letter, concise with the storyline, portraying exciting personalities with fantastic foreshadow.
Chapter One gets Kudos from me. Upbeat, interesting, full of strong characters.
How long did she have to be an adult before her mother treated her like one? She’s 25 yrs old and still struggling with this. Very human and relatible. Don’t we all struggle?
Lauriana the helper aka hero.
Winnie always the analytical, go getter.
Sheridan the bro to Lauriana’s defense.
Marcus the over protective bro.
Ari the boyfriend left behind.
Jenessa the tag-along.
I have truly enjoyed this tale that’s so modern and in touch with our feelings. May the adventure continue in bookstores and on bookshelves nearest me.
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