Young Adult / Dragon Mail Ltd (Analysis)
Chapter 1
Gerald Archibald was less likely to be found sitting on a public bench than the Prime Minister of England. But unlike the Prime Minster, Gerald’s power was not commonly known, which is why he found himself largely uninterrupted bright and early one autumnal morning in the small village of Grinstead.
Gerald sat on a bench, legs crossed, watching commuters stumble to work and children to school. Those awake enough would give him a look that didn’t befit a man of such power; they ranged from vague humour to outright contempt. Were it not a workday morning, they could be forgiven for thinking he was attending a fancy dress party. He wore a bowler hat and had a cane placed on his lap. His black tweed jacket completed a look that seemed more familiar in the early 20th century. Coupled with his short grey hair, finely trimmed moustache and mild wrinkles, he looked like a Gentleman from another era. Gerald, however, seemed not to care about the looks he was getting. He had earphones on and whistled pleasantly to his ipod, his sparkling brown eyes a stark contrast to the bleary-faced that passed him by. Gerald glanced at his watch several times it soon became apparent that he was waiting for something.
As soon as his watch struck 8am he stopped whistling and carefully packed his ipod away. Then he took a careful glance about and peered intently at the sky. At first he saw nothing more than a few sparse clouds and the occasional bird. Then he squinted and focused. Most people would simply have got a slightly better look at the horizon, but for Gerald, another much larger shape came into view. It bore the upper body of an eagle, the lower body of a lion and on top was the faint outline of a man. Gerald treated the scene with as much surprise as most would an overhead plane. His eyes trained on the rider atop the beast and in particular, to the satchel on his back. Then seemingly satisfied with his inspection, he watched it with mild interest as it circled the village, looking for a landing spot. Eventually it settled for a park and disappeared behind a clump of trees.
Gerald stood up, promptly put his ipod back on, resumed his whistling and proceeded to wonder into Starbucks. Out he came a moment later, holding two piping hot Grande’s Lattes expertly in one hand, with his cane in the other. Then he walked through town and into the suburbs. He maintained a solid pace, his long legs eating up the ground effortlessly. His cane seemed to be an instrument of amusement rather than aid as he tapped it on the floor, perhaps in tune to a song he was listening to. Soon pedestrians became fewer and houses larger. Eventually he stopped in front of a large detached home that had three new cars parked in the ample spacing.
For the first time Gerald’s pleasant demeanour faded a fraction. The glow from his eyes waned slightly and his wrinkles seemed more apparent. He tucked away his ipod and looked up at the house, seemingly staring into space. He did so without any apparent care that the glowing lights from the house indicated its occupation. There was nothing particularly unusual about this home. The grass was a little neater, the décor slightly fancier, but nothing to warrant one the undue attention of such a man. It seemed he would stand there forever with his Lattes’ going cold, until a boyish voice cried out.
“Holy shit – sir?”
Gerald turned. Staring at him was a young man with boy band looks, holding a small parcel. His neck was pushed forward slightly, as were his blue eyes that threatened to come out of their sockets. He wore an overall, much like a decorator, but instead of the usual white, his was a dark orange. On the pocket was a fancy logo with the letters DM written on it.
“Good morning James,” Gerald said pleasantly. He held out one of the Latte’s. “This one is yours: one sugar, lukewarm with a dash of foam.”
James ran a hand through his curly hair. He looked back from where he came, perhaps wondering if he’d just stepped into a dream. Then he extended a shaky hand and took the latte.
“I don’t believe we’ve met personally,” Gerald went on. “My name is Gerald Archibald.”
“James Foster, sir,” the boy replied extending his arm to meet Gerald’s.
“It’s nice to meet you Mr. Foster. I watched your descent; very impressive. It took me several moments to spot you, and from what I saw of your landing, it looked flawless.”
“Thank you, sir,” James said. His voice gave a bit and he was having trouble keeping his jaw shut.
Gerald gave a small smile and tapped his cane idly. “Yes, I think it might be wise to clear up a few of these rumours circulating about me before we proceed.”
“Rumours?” James waved a hand. “Oh, don’t worry about that sir. They’re just fables – just a bit of fun, right?”
“Yes, they are.” Gerald lowered his head slightly to stare right into the boy’s eyes. “Do you believe any of them?”
James tugged at his overall. “No – yes, oh I don’t know. Some of them seem a bit over the top, but frankly Sir, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were true.”
“Well, I don’t know about you,” Gerald said, raising a busy eyebrow, “but I’d be slightly concerned if I were talking to a man that I thought could read minds, walk through walls and sprout wings.”
James smiled sheepishly. “Yes, I see your point.”
“You’re a bright boy and I need your help for this delivery, so I think we should clear this up. None of the above rumours are true. Believe it or not, I’m a human being just like you.”
“Fair enough,” James said, looking slightly disappointed. Then his eyes narrowed. “What about the other rumours?”
Gerald threw his head back and laughed. It was a loud, booming thing, a complete contrast to his formal clothes.
“Those I’m happy to keep as rumours. Now, let’s continue shall we? There’s a lot to be done.”
“Yes sir.”
“Good!” Gerald took a final swig of his latte. “Would I be wrong in stating that you are somewhat baffled by my appearance on such a routine delivery?”
“I don’t know if baffled is the right word, sir,” James said. “Stunned, shocked, and utterly confused probably sum it up better.”
“I thought as much. Don’t be fooled by the location Mr. Foster,” he said. “You have just made the most important flight of your career.”
James ran a hand through his hair and shook his head slowly. “Wow. How is that possible? Who lives here?”
They both looked at the house for a moment with very contrasting expressions. Then Gerald’s mobile phone alarm went off.
“9 A.M precisely; the package, if you please. I’ll explain after. I have a favour to ask of you.”
James handed over the package as if it were some sort of Holy Grail. Then he took a step back and melted into the background. Gerald walked to the house and rung the bell.
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It was ok. Very descritive but kind of boring.
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The story is very well written with a few mistakes.
“Gerald glanced at his watch several times it soon became apparent that he was waiting for something.” – Is this supposed to be two sentences?
There are other small mistakes such as when James is stating his reaction and he says “sum” instead of “sums”.
One other thing I did notice, however, is that this is supposed to be a young adult story. Should the word “shit” be used? Personally, I have never seen anything worse than “damn” in a young adult novel, but this may just be my opinion, I’m not entirely sure.
Overall, the story kept me enthralled and left me wanting more. Very good job.
This writer seems to have a good feel for a story. I find that it pleasantly moves along, keeping a person’s interest. Here is a writer who must keep writing and fighting to have his/her work published. Good job!
Okay???? that was weird. I thought i just read this…. okay same as last critique.
Not bad,, very interesting and i’m looking forward to reading more. I don’t hhave any real criitique, since I’m still trying to dig into the story I guess I need to read more.
You have fantastic descriptions, which I enjoyed. You’ve made the story captivating and full of personality. Your query letter is expressional. It portrays the character’s emotions, which is very important. Here are a few helpies:
...people existing only in fairytale(fairytales)... (plural)
...he will inherit his late father’s… (delete xtra space btwn inherit & his)
Suddenly he finds the unthinkable… (Been told suddenly warns of the action. That it’s better to leave out. I’ve tried deleting it, and it works.)
... average 9 – 5 job… (might be better to spell out & replace dash with “to.” Query letters a more formal.)
Check out LJK’s website and look at tab: Submissions. You’ll find requirements for query letters. It’ll help you add required information they’ve requested.
...than a few sparse clouds and the(an) occasional bird. (sounds better to replace the with an)
As soon as his watch struck 8am,(8:00 AM and put comma) he…
...whistled pleasantly to his ipod(iPod)
“Gerald glanced at his watch several times it soon became apparent that he was waiting for something.”—There should be a period after “times”, capitalize “it”.
“busy eyebrow”—bushy?.
Nice start here. Not so sure about the word “shit”, as this is aimed at young adults. I’ve never come across it in YA fiction, anyway. Up to you though.
Dialogue is good, and flows naturally. Clarity is good. Nice intro to the characters. You’ve peaked my interest.
boy band looks—-really like they way you describe things in your story without over doing…instantly I got an idea of how James looked.I really like the plot and from the short description have an idea about hot the dragon looks. At some points the story did feel like an ad for Ipods and Starbuck…you might not but I usually use fake names…like Moonbucks or Musicpod. I was kind of disappointed that I wasnt introduced to the main character you talk about in the intro, but I’m sure that will come soon. Over all though I like this..I admire when people to new out of the box plots.
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