Thank you for your review. I am sorry that you can relate to it, though as it was written during a very dark time in my life.
Poetry / THE FOOL
Promises of things to come.
Words spoken can't be undone.
The emptiness of it all.
Heading for the most tragic fall.
Each days dawn.
Realization, I'm just a pawn.
Suffocating madness lies ahead.
Out of every orifice, I have bled.
Deaf ears and blank stares.
Oblivious to all who care?
All this have I become?
Deserving to be so lonesome?
Choices I have made.
Might as well, be in my grave.
Don't know how or where to start,
Dark emptiness invades my heart.
"See you world, I really tried"...
to go on my marker, for I have died.
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bulletwithbutterflywings reviewed Version 1 -
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i actually really enjoyed this write. it was dark and the rhythm is fluent. in the 3rd stanza, i think you should remove some of the question marks. I think if this person is committing suicide, if he’s actually in the act of killing himself (& at the end, obviously he dies) they wouldn’t be questions, they would be exactly what he would believe. that those he cares for no longer care for him, nor see his pain. or if you want to keep them as questions, then make them into questions. “(Am i) oblivious to all who care? All this I have become? (Am i) deserving to be so lonesome?” I really like the last stanza, although I think maybe “I’m sorry, world, I really tried” could also work.
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kiwina reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well written!
I can relate to that..I can feel your hurt!
Felorah reviewed Version 1 -
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Simple but gorgeous.
I really enjoyed this… Would you mind if I illustrated it?
As in ‘to draw’ of course.
I’d really like to… It brought an interesting image to my mind as I read it.
Keep it up- the emotion you put into this is fantastic. It all has worked wonders on this piece- even if it took a harsh relationship in order to write it. =}
-Fel <3
gbaurbis reviewed Version 1 -
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I understand from your notes why to titled this, but if you want this published a unique title would help, like: “On Your Marker.”
Excellent stanza construction: shows you have revised this many times.
Low rankings because I think you can develop the intent with imagery, end rhyme… For example, questions are problematic, though you ask the subject the questions, the reader is also asked and you don’t reveal the answers, kind of like asking us to answer them. For example, the ellipses trail off as if the author asked something but then was lost the train of thought.
Your best line is: to go on my marker, for I have died.
Great draft, but develop with imagery, and provide answers.
Bravo, Gregory
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