Journalism / What If...?
Hail to the Chief!
By Xander Brooks
Well, another election year has rolled by and it is now the day after elections. In past years it has taken several weeks to determine just who our next Commander and Chief is. This year seems to be the exception to the rule. In a surprising landslide the public has spoken and Howard Stern the popular shock jock from out of New York has been elected.
Running on the independent circuit he was definitely the dark horse in the running. The news came as quite a shock to the political world. A defeated George W. Bush has been quoted as saying: “Well, at least I still have my hot wheels.” Nobody is sure what was meant by this, but he was seen leaving a local Wal-Mart with several bags full of toy cars. Other quotes include one form former Vice President Dick Cheney: “Oh F*.”
The after party lasted all night and included an entire troop of strippers and free lap dances provided by the beautiful women of Scores, a popular New York gentleman’s club. The new Secretary of State Artie Lange kept the liquor flowing and the women dancing until the sun came up when he passed out in a stall in the restroom. Secret Service was on hand to provide protection.
History was also made as the new Vice President is not only the first woman, but also the first African American ever elected to this office. V.P. Robin Quivers graciously accepted the new office as her own. This is a very historic moment in America. It shows that we have moved on and placed petty dissimilarities aside. It shows that we really can look past physical differences and really be one people, one nation. The new Vice President was quoted as saying: “Howard and I have made a great team in broadcasting for over twenty years; it seemed only natural that we move into the political arena. We feel that we can solve many of our problems within the first year of our term in this great office.”
Although usually reluctant to give public interviews I was able to speak to President Stern for a few brief moments. I asked him the tough questions. He stated that he has many plans to radically shake up the old and crusty administration. First on the agenda was to replace the active secret service with hot lesbian ninjas. This plan would require phasing out the current force as new lesbians are trained and brought into active duty. He will also be instituting a new national smell to accompany the bird and flower that represents our nation. This smell will be introduced at the first ever national Passing of the Gas to be held in Washington DC during the week of the inauguration. The president partied all night dancing the night away with the first girlfriend the beautiful Beth O. When asked what she thought about all of the celebration she was quoted as saying: “He defiantly deserves this, we are about to have a great four years in this country!”
Some of the new policies we can expect to see are new and radical ones. One such policy will be the official dress code for the Supreme Court Justices. Doing away with the traditional black robes, each member of the court will now wear the Fartman uniform. President Stern feels that these are much more comfortable for the Judges. In the meeting hall of the House and Senate, there will be brass stripper poles installed at the end of every aisle, should the members feel the need to have a dance off to settle a vote.
This is just a sampling of the new changes we can expect in our great country. I may be just another pencil pusher here at the Daily Planet, but I for one am looking forward to the next four fantastic years. Hail to the chief? Hail to the Chief indeed!
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This is written well, no glaring errors or anything. I didn’t really find it funny, but I see how others might.
“it is now the day after elections.” – This just feels awkward.
“Chief is” – Chief will be
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Interesting and humorous. I am curious when this was originally written. 2000 or 2004 election. I am assuming you don’t plan to do anything with this. You might use it as a humorous filler for a magazine, but it is kindve riske. The grammar and wording seemed good. Perhaps the theme was simple, but who cares? It is fun and entertaining. thanks for letting me read this.
Amusing. However, forget the school term paper thing. What would you really like to say? Let your voice out. Seems like you are holding back and using the farts and strippers repetitively. I think you have a little more juice in you than this. It’s ok to say fuck by the way. Especially in a piece on Howie Stern. C’mon.. be brave. Some of it was very good and like I said.. great idea! I love the Bush Hot Wheels but I think that Cheney might accidentally shoot his mother or something like that.. You can check off adult audience if you are afraid to offend. But in a piece using Howie.. one must be bold.
It read smoothly, I thought you communicated your ideas well – Howard would be proud. Technically, I’m not a fan of the semi-colon in a quote, ”... over twenty years; it seemed …” The conclusion seemed a little rushed.
Really nice piece, it’s has a nice flow and too funny! I live in Brazil and here we don’t know about politics from América(Of corse, I know about Clinton family, Omaha Barak and George Shit Bush) .
I can not write about grammar because I rookie in English Language.
Good job, keep writing!
Aloha!
Some stray capitalization, but this is a fun read. Feels like something I’d find in the Onion. Not sure about the word choice. It feels like it should be “definitely” not “defiantly.” Which one did you mean?
A few tips on imitating a real article:
-News stories almost always avoid the phrase “When asked…” It’s redundant.
-There should be a quote from Stern high up.
-Saying that it’s the day after the elections would also be redundant in a “real news story. An alternative lead might be:
In a stunning turn of events, Shock Jock Howard Stern swept the popular vote in 38 states last night, a landslide victory that has jolted the establishment.
Still, it’s a good piece. Keep it up….
Well it certainly made me chuckle.
An amusing parody – considering the wackiness of elections thesedays, it’s not an entire piece of fiction!
A few things – if you are looking for grammatical/spelling points (ignore if you aren’t!) – it’s a Troupe of strippers, the Ninjas could be a troop if they organise properly!
This piece could be filed under as a good sarcasm piece or a social comentary tongue and cheek style. One thing I would move was the mention of the change of the judges robes. I think this would flow better with the section of the lesbian ninjas.
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