What would you do if a world renowned chemist, a man you knew was more than capable of doing extraordinary things, but was as crazy as a loon, handed you a formula to clean the world's water pollution?
Calvin Thomas wasn't always crazy. He began as a caring, gentle and loving brother to his sister, Eleanor, and cared for her after their parent's mysterious death. This was evident by the way he bought Christmas presents for her, had breakfast sent to her home every morning, made the telephone and electric payments every month before she or her husband had the chance to, and decided to create the formula MRX III to clean all the toxins polluting the waters of the world. Cal rushed his information to the EPA and his formula was widely received. The word spread quickly and all further research was to be backed by the government. Cal's formula was created using mercury, and now he had to create the antidote to neutralize the toxins mercury created.
Eleanor Hargly, wife to Col.Roger Hargly and mother to her nine year old son, Kurt, had had enough of her obsessed, older brother Cal. She's tried everything to pull away from him and live her life with her new family, but he won't let go. Sure, she loves him, but he hates her family because they require the attention he feels he should have. Now, the only solution is to move away without him knowing.
Will Cal finish creating the antidote before his siter decides to move? Will he be able to control his anger if she leaves? Will Eleanor be proud of him for his accomplishments and want to remain near him? The Aquaguardians is a 500,000 word action novel built around compelling characters set in a post-holocaust world where water--or more accurately, the one who possesses it--reigns. It explores the lives and minds of the vilains and the heroes as they lose, love, suffer and grow in this quest to save the world.
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Will Cal finish creating the antidote before his siter decides to move? – do you mean sister?
Typos are a big no-no with query letters. At 500,000 words, unless you are a published author, that is also going to be an issue. Also you left off the genre. You state it is an action novel but it doesn’t sound like just action.
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I really strongly suggest that you put a section about yourself. Everwhere I have read said that agents require this. Even if you don’t have publishing experience or won awards…write about another book that your currently working on.
I was also reading, on this writers site I joined, they did an interview with an agent. She said that agents want to read what the end is about. They don’t really want questions…they want to know the beginning, the middle, and the end. They want to know if the ending it something that they are going to like. They are not readers, they are sellers…I hoped this help some. You’re book sounsd really intresting!
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Some agents really don’t like questions that begin with rhetorical questions.
Also “crazy as a loon” is cliche, and it’s best to avoid them.
There’s far too much unnecessary info here. His parents died mysteriously – how mysteriously? Be specific. He cared for his sister – that’s all we need to know.
I don’t understand when Calvin went ‘crazy’ or exactly what that means. Is he schizophrenic? Also, what provoked him to create this formula and why is Eleanor trying to so hard to get away from him?
500,000 words is far too long for a novel. It would be cost prohibitive to publish. Most novels fall within the 80,000-100,000 range.
Good luck.
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From the top:
What would you do if a world … (Many agents suggest you don’t begin with a question. Now, I don’t think this is a bad one, maybe a bit long, but I think it works as a hook)
Calvin Thomas wasn’t always crazy. He began as a caring, gentle and loving brother to his sister, Eleanor, and cared for her after their parent’s mysterious death. (Too much information. Your goal is to provide the conflict and make me want to read your ms. This back story doesn’t do that. I like the wasn’t always crazy part, but the rest is useless to me as a cold reader) This was evident by the way he bought Christmas presents for her, had breakfast sent to her home every morning, made the telephone and electric payments every month before she or her husband had the chance to, and decided to create the formula MRX III to clean all the toxins polluting the waters of the world. (Same here. Get to the forula, its what this is about) Cal rushed his information to the EPA and his formula was widely received. The (lose THE) word spread quickly and all further research was to be backed by the government. Cal’s formula was created using mercury, and now he had to create the antidote to neutralize the toxins mercury created. (Two passive was sentence, try for a more active verb)
Eleanor Hargly, wife to Col.Roger Hargly and mother to her nine year old son, Kurt, had had enough of her obsessed, older brother Cal. (Again TMI, give us what’s important. You have like 5 sentences in a query to hook the agent, cut your blurb down to what’s really important) She’s tried e….
(At this point I feel like stopping, there’s just too much here for me to stay interested.)
Will Cal finish creating the antidote before his siter decides to move? Will he be able to control his anger if she leaves? Will Eleanor be proud of him for his accomplishments and want to remain near him? (Don’t end on a question. You started with one.) The Aquaguardians is a 500,000 word (HOLY CRAP, I hope this is a typo, because 500k is WAY TOO MANY words. Nobody, and I mean nobody will pick up a 500k manuscript from an unpublished author. That’s like 400k more than needed, and sort of explains the long drawn out explanation of the action) action novel (This is not a novel, a novel is a published work. This is a manuscript.) built around compelling characters (let the agent decide these are compelling characters.)set in a post-holocaust world where water--or more accurately, the one possesses it--reigns. It explores the lives and minds of the vilains and the heroes as they lose, love, suffer and grow in this quest to save the world. (Don’t tell me theme, let me read your ms and see for myself.)
Most query letters have a final paragraph about the author, like pub credits, platform, etc. And keep your query to 250 – 500 words. You’ll make the agent happier in the long run.
Good luck.
j
Please tell me that 500,000 words is a typo, or something similar. If it isn’t, you’ll never sell a book that long – that’s a good 2,500 pages.
I think there’s too much backstory in your first major paragraph. I don’t think agents want to hear about all the ways Cal cared for his sister. Just that he does so is enough for a query.
You wrote that Eleanor is the wife of Col. Roger Hargly, but he’s never mentioned in the query again. If he’s an important character, you might want to include more about him. And if he’s not a vital person in the story, then why bother writing his name?
You describe this as an action novel, but the query letter has absolutely no action in it, nor any promise of action. What the book sounds like from your description is a researcher doing science projects and a sister dealing with family drama. Where’s the action? Where’s the conflict?
Lastly, action novel isn’t a genre. It sounds from your use of the word action that it might be a thriller.
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