Poetry / epoh (Analysis)

I know you are young but please stick with your writing. You have talent and insight, and most importantly, humanity.

Gary

i would have read the whole thing but i could not access the the second page
but i will go off from what i see.
i like how it just puts you in the mood at the begining on how its meant to be felt so well done.

In all, this is pretty good.  My biggest criticism would be the repeated words.  They’re not necessary.  I think the poem reads more clearly without the repetition.  The one exception is in the 3rd stanza: asleep.  I like the way you repeat asleep there.  Also, in the 3rd stanza, I would change the “I hope” in the 3rd line to something else—perhaps “That” because of the continued use of “I hope” through the poem, I think it’s simply too much to use it again there.

The poem has a lyrical quality about it, which is good.  The last line of the 1st stanza, however, is less lyrical.  Consider changing that line to something else (and consider making it rhyme with one of the other lines in that stanza since your other stanzas all have at least 1 rhyme).

i liked it..almost like lyrics to a song..the last verse didnt seems to fit or flow as well with the other ones, but maybe that was the point..it also feels like its not quite done, like you have more to say..i’d like to read more from you..good job..

hi.
i liked your poem, it was real deep, maybe you can send a message to me explaining it.
Now i notice you keep repeating certain stuff in your poem, while it works in some poems while yours was great i think it took away from your poem, because there was no need to repeat ‘i hope’ and ‘the sun’

it should of been like this:

I hope we’ll be older
When the sun,fades away
Cuz right now I can’t take it.
Tomorrow, I don’t know if I can

I hope when it’s over
When you say your goodbyes
I hope I’ll be sober
To implore you to stay

I hope when darkness sets in
And night time invades
I hope I’ll be fast asleep
Asleep in my grave

When I run out of nails
And my bud burns away
I hope you’ll be there
To say it’s okay

But hey that’s just what i think. you had your idea when you wrote it, hope you’re not offended. looking forward for more!