Yes, there will be more… I wanted to start out making Jenna more real than the protagonist… and, actually, your feedback made me think I’m doing it right. Part of Alicia’s problem is a lack of self identity and a desire to escape… there will be several upcoming sessions with the psychiatrist as well and an ever evolving picture of Alicia’s home life… Thank you for your review!
Novel Treatments / To Live in Sleep (Analysis)
October 24, 2008
Dear Susanna Einstein:
I would like to thank you in advance for your time and consideration of my story, which contains about 90,000 words.
The main character in my story is Alicia Fischer, a troubled girl with a strained home life. She chooses to escape this lifestyle by dreaming. My story explores several of those dream scenarios, giving you a look at the world that’s happening inside Alicia’s head while she is sleeping; the world Alicia prefers.
Slowly throughout the course of her dreaming, she visits with a counselor who was assigned to her after an incident at her school. Through dialogue with this counselor and interaction with her younger brother, Alicia learns that life in the waking world can be just as full of joy and sorrow and adventure as the one she experiences inside of her head.
I hope you enjoy the story. Please feel free to contact me if you need any additional information. Thank you.
Sarah Clinton
6250 Canary Lane
El Dorado CA 95623
Sarahclintonffp@yahoo.com
Chapter 1 ~ Jenna’s Dream
The counselor was frustrated and struggling not to show it. He looked at the blonde haired girl over the steeple of his hands, closely, as if by doing so he could read her thoughts. She stared at him blankly, and he couldn’t be sure if she was actually seeing or looking somewhere beyond him. Stifling a sigh, he buzzed her parents into the room with instructions to take her home and let her relax. As soon as they had gone he stood up and walked to the window.
Alicia Fischer was his most baffling patient. Sometimes she would get better and behave normally, but inevitably she returned to her abstracted attitude, barely connecting herself to the real world. The counselor was mystified. There were many different reasons she could have chosen to divorce herself from her current reality; She was the oldest of four and, as such, took on the brunt of the household chores. Her mother was negligent. Her father was often distracted and looking for any reason to escape the confines of his home and the children.
The counselor returned to his desk and started flipping through Alicia’s file, absently noting that she was now 17 and he had been seeing her for the last 5 years. He re read all of his clinical notes carefully, seeing if there were any hidden clues as to what triggered her remoteness.
According to his notes her malady had come on gradually, so gradually that no one had noticed that it was happening. It had begun with troublesome, but hardly alarming, symptoms: It became more difficult to get her out of bed and ready for school in the morning and she would return directly to her bedroom as soon as school let out. She stopped responding to her surroundings, never speaking unless spoken to directly. The symptoms gradually began to worsen, until one day she fell asleep at school and her teacher was unable to rouse her. An ambulance transferred Alicia to a nearby hospital where she was examined by medical professionals who determined that nothing was physically wrong with the girl. That’s when she had been referred to the counselor.
Since then the counselor had struggled to help Alicia to a place where she could maintain normality. There had been numerous psychological “tricks” and medications applied, but with no lasting success. Finally releasing his pent up sigh, the doctor leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling, puzzling at the anomaly of Alicia Fischer.
I barely remember the car ride home from my counselor’s office that day. I suppose my parents thought it predictable that, as soon as the car pulled up the drive, I slid out of the backseat and went directly to my room and my bed. I curled under the covers and looked at the ceiling, willing sleep to overtake me. For you see, the answer to the counselor’s riddle was simple: My dreams were what called me again and again to sleep.
Every night I go to sleep and every night I die. They say you aren’t supposed to dream in color; you aren’t supposed to be able to read; and you’re not supposed to die. I do all of these things. I experience pain, loss sorrow and sometimes, but only sometimes, the most incredible joy and hope I have ever known. It’s the hope to which I keep returning, no matter how bad some of my nightmares may get.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jenna was a simple girl. She had long brown hair and a slight build. The only thing even slightly remarkable about her was her eyes, which were large and green.
Her living situation was not a happy one. She lived in a trailer park with a young man who, people speculated, had some strange hold on her. People would see her while she was out on her errands, now and again, with bruised and cut skin. The other residents of the park shook their heads and clucked their tongues, but felt there wasn’t much they could say or do to help her; she kept largely to herself and, indeed, did not seem very unhappy with her situation.
Now, if Jenna’s appearance was not very remarkable, the young with whom she lived was entirely opposite. He had pale white skin and hair. He customarily wore a white T-Shirt, blue jeans, and black boots. People in the Park were most discomfited when he turned their way, for, you see, his eyes were a bright red. They looked down when he walked past and muttered to themselves about, “the Albino Man,” which was the way that Jenna referred to him. Fortunately, he didn’t leave the trailer often as he had Jenna to run his errands for him, for which the residents were profoundly grateful.
They both shared their trailer with a large German Shepard, who was an oddity in himself. The residents of the Park stayed away from him as often as possible, never looking in his direction, as he was an albino too. They referred to him as “The Dog,” and did their best never to look into his pinkish eyes. If you assumed that the dog was there to protect the trailer, you would have been wrong. The dog would follow Jenna around the trailer and growl if someone came too near to her.
Jenna had a daily routine: She would wake up in the morning and walk through the Trailer Park to the liquor store, where she would buy a 6 pack of whatever beer was on sale and a cup of coffee. She would then walk home, delivering the morning’s shopping treasure to the Albino Man before starting on general housekeeping. The other people who lived in the Trailer Park thought it was lovely that she liked to hum while hanging up the laundry. The Albino Man, they guessed, did too since he could often be seen watching and smiling at her from the window of their Trailer. Jenna never looked at him until the hanging was complete, and then she only flashed him a quick slight smile before hurrying back into the Trailer to join him.
The Dog would lay in the sunshine during the times that Jenna did the laundry, taking his eyes off of her for only a moment at a time to make sure no one was approaching. He always followed her dutifully back into the trailer once she had finished to receive affection from the Albino man.
It was the rain pounding on the tin roof of their trailer that woke Jenna. The Albino Man breathed deeply and evenly at her side. Slowly, hesitantly, she trailed a hand down his chest. She was surprised, as she always was, that his skin was so warm. She almost expected it to be cool to the touch; as cold as he is inside, she mused silently. She placed her palm over his heart and felt the steady beating.
She watched with solemnity as he opened his eyes and stared at her. His hand clamped, ferocious and quick, around the wrist of the hand she had placed over his heart.
“Were you trying to see if I would die in my sleep?”
“No.” Jenna murmured quietly, and looked down at her wrist, which was starting to go numb in his grip.
He smiled slightly. “That’s good to know. What would you do without me, Jenna?” He released her wrist and reached up to gently cup her face. She could feel the pins and needles assailing her fingers as the blood rushed back, but didn’t dare move her hand away.
“Have I told you that you have beautiful eyes?” he murmured as he leaned up out of bed. His chest was as white as the rest of him and hairless. He kissed her tenderly. Jenna could feel his adoration of her in his every breath. There was a time when she had found that irresistible; she couldn’t remember when it had become terrifying to be wanted so badly.
He lingered over the kiss for a few moments before turning away from her to get out of bed. He stretched, his fingers brushing the top of the trailer, and pulled on his jeans.
“Don’t you have some errands to run?” he tossed flippantly back over his shoulder as he left their room.
Jenna flexed her hand repeatedly as she turned to stare out the window. The rain was falling hard, and the road outside of the trailer was obviously mud. She sighed in resignation as she turned away from the window and climbed out of bed. Jenna fished through a pile of clothing next to the closet and pulled out a long sleeved red turtleneck and a pair of jeans. She pulled on her sneakers and began rummaging around the closet for her jacket.
“Jenna, hurry! The game’s about to start!” the Albino Man yelled from the other room. Sighing in resignation once more, she abandoned the search for her jacket and headed through the hall and out into the rain. The Dog had been waiting for her outside of the bedroom and, having distaste for mud, trailed her steps as far as the front door before sitting down by the screen to watch as she disappeared down the muddy road.
Jeff hated the rain. Even as a child he would go to great lengths to avoid getting wet. He thought about this as he made his way from one end of the trailer back towards his home on the opposite side. There were definite drawbacks to being handy with tools. He had discovered upon moving into his trailer, to his dismay, that there were no other tenants with who to share the handyman burden. He didn’t mind helping the folks around the Park with their troubles normally, however, when a leaky pipe under Mrs. Gold’s sink pulled him out into the rainy day he was resentful.
A blast of wind blew some icy rain under his umbrella. Grumbling, he reached up to wipe his face. Just then he noticed a girl up the road. She wore no jacket and had no umbrella. Her brown hair hung in straggly locks around her face. As he watched she tripped and fell in the mud, dropping the paper bag she had been carrying. Heaving a deep sigh of resignation, Jeff hurried toward the fallen girl.
When he reached her she was frantically scrabbling in the mud to reclaim the beer that had fallen from the bag. She didn’t notice his approach. He held his umbrella over the both of them when he was close enough, thinking about how it was so odd that this young woman would be so panicked over a cheap 6 pack.
Jenna’s frantic thoughts whirled about in her head: He’s going to be mad if I take much longer, he’s going to be mad that there is mud on his beer, he’s going to be mad that I’m dirty. He’s going to be mad; he’s going to be mad. It didn’t register to her that the rain had stopped pummeling her for a few moments, so absorbed was she in trying to rub the beer cans clean on her shirt. She shot a startled glance upwards and met the piercing blue eyes of a stranger.
Jeff’s first impression of Jenna was large green eyes. The color and the depth of them startled him and made him catch his breath. And then he noticed she had gone pale and was staring at him with more panic than she had displayed before.
“Go away.” She said, fear plain in her voice, and resumed trying to rub the cans clean. The mud was leaving dark brown stains on her shirt.
Jeff knew then that he should go. From the panicked jerky movements to the bruises on her wrist, she was the poster image for abuse. He listened to her breath come in frantic gasps for a few moments before he realized that he wasn’t going anywhere.
Keeping the umbrella steady above their heads, Jeff crouched next to her on the ground. He pulled from his pocket the brown paper bag he had used for the parts of Mrs. Gold’s pipe and the small towel he had used to clean up some of the leaking water. He held the towel out to her.
“Here. You’re not getting the mud off with your shirt. Take them, one at a time, from the bag and wipe them as you go. Then hand them to me and I’ll put them in this new bag.” She stared at him, frozen with indecision, and then hesitantly took the towel. Quickly, as if that one act had released her courage, she started to wipe off the cans.
“My name’s Jeff…” He said as she wiped the third can clean.
“That’s nice,” she murmured as she handed it to him.
Soon the task was finished. She heaved a sigh of relief and snatched the bag from him. “Thank you,” she said quietly, and then hurried from the shelter of the umbrella towards her trailer.
“Anytime…” Jeff whispered half-heartedly. He stood there, under the shelter of plastic and metal wires, and realized that she hadn’t told him her name. He shrugged and continued home, puzzled over why he had gotten involved in the first place, and why he still felt so haunted by an average girl with beautiful eyes.
Jenna hurried up the steps to the trailer, thoroughly soaked once more, praying that the game hadn’t reached half-time yet. If he didn’t have a beer by half time she knew it would be worse for her. The Dog was still sitting by the door, waiting for Jenna.
She almost cheered when she heard the sounds of an announcer on the television, saying they had 10 minutes left until halftime. She walked, dripping and nearly frozen, into their living room. She stood silently next to him for a few minutes until a commercial break, and then handed him the slightly damp bag of beer.
He didn’t both to take his attention away from the scene on the television; didn’t bother with a thank you. He reached into the bag and pulled out a beer. Her heart seized as he hesitated. The pause only lasted a second before he flipped the tab and took a drink. The drink was her queue; she beat a hasty retreat to their room, stripping off her damp clothing as she went. Once she reached her haven, she pulled on some warm clothing. She continued on to the attached bathroom, and laid her wet clothing in the bathtub to dry.
Weary from her adventures that day, she climbed into the comfort of her bed. Sleep wasn’t coming easily to her though. Jeff had scared her; she could have been caught talking to the man, and that would have sealed her entirely in her hell for the next few months, losing the privileges that she had worked so hard for. Taking deep breaths to calm herself, she started to drift softly towards sleep and she prayed that the next day brought the sunshine, so she could go outside to do the laundry again.
Weeks passed and Jenna was able to breath a sigh of relief as the Albino man never remarked about how long it had taken her to get the beer on that rainy day. The sun started to shine more often than not as Spring moved towards Summer, which filled Jenna with a sense of well being as she was able to escape in the menial chore of laundry.
Jenna loved hanging the laundry. It gave her a chance to be outside for, what seemed to her, a long period of time. She could escape the eyes that peered at her through the Trailer window and her constant guardian dog’s attention by humming melodies. She would make up the tunes as she went, humming whatever took her fancy that day.
It was there, a few weeks after their initial meeting, that Jeff saw her again.
The cessation of the rain affected Jeff the same way as it affected Jenna, although for different reasons. He was whistling as he made his way towards a trailer he hadn’t been to before. He had gotten a call earlier that morning, saying that the sink was clogged and would he be available to fix it? Being in such a good mood, he had readily agreed, never even asking the man what his name was.
He approached the nicely groomed lot and paused. He could hear lovely humming coming from the side of the trailer, and something about the voice was strangely familiar. The trailer itself was not remarkable, he mused, but the fact that there were green growing plants along the fence was strange in it’s own way; normally, if you had enough discipline to tend a garden, you had enough to work; if you had enough to work, you weren’t stuck in some dirty trailer park with disabled or old men and women. He followed the humming.
The first thing he saw was Jenna standing on her tip toes, a clothes pin in her mouth, and clamping a white T shirt onto the line with one hand. The sight made him smile. He started to move forward.
A ferocious snarling erupted from low to his left side. Jenna, startled by the noise, took her focus from the shirt she was hanging. When she saw Jeff her mouth dropped open and her humming ceased. The clack of the clothing pin snapping as it hit the pile of other pins at her feet was a sharp contrast to the growling he heard. The white T-Shirt plopped wetly to the ground. Her eyes dropped from his and focused on whatever had been growling at his side. Slowly, he turned and dropped his own gaze.
Next to him was one of the strangest dogs he had ever seen. It was a massive German Shepherd looking dog, but it was completely white. The pink colored eyes that focused on him gave him a slight chill.
Jenna was stunned. She had almost managed to forget Jeff in the weeks since he had helped her on the road, thinking that if she forgot him that there would be no chance of the Albino Man discovering the event. The Dog, as always, was guarding her for his master. She would have no chance of calling him off as he only obeyed one person.
“Dog!” the Albino Man spoke the word softly, almost inaudibly, but it made the dog visibly relax and retreat to his sunny patch of ground. He kept his eyes warily on the stranger the whole time.
Jeff relaxed and turned to see who had called the dog off and was startled once more. The man was white everywhere he was visible, except for his red eyes. All of the sudden Jeff remembered a conversation he had heard earlier in the week, where Mrs. Gold kept referring to the Albino Man and Jenna. Jenna. He turned back to the girl, who had snatched up the fallen shirt and was cradling it to her chest. Her attention had shifted from the shirt and focused entirely on the man on the top step of the trailer entrance.
Jenna was terrified. Had the Albino Man seen her initial reaction to Jeff? Did he guess? Did he know? What was her punishment going to be? She trembled visibly as she felt the Albino Man’s gaze on her. She stood where she was, his white T-Shirt clutched to her chest, and attempted to fight off her dread.
“Thank you for coming. The kitchen is this way,” again, the words were soft but carried a hint of command that he was unable to deny. Jeff shifted his gaze to him. The Albino man had opened the screen door in invitation, and Jeff went in, not glancing at Jenna as he went past. Jenna heaved a sigh of relief and went back to the laundry.
Jeff was surprised that the interior of the Trailer was so clean. The rooms, though small, held no trace of the mildew or smoke smell that Jeff had come to associate with the other tenant’s trailers. Instead there was the scent of mint and lemon in the air. The Albino man led him swiftly to the kitchen. The counter tops in the room nearly shined. The window was open, and the breeze brought in the heat of the Summer sun and the sound of Jenna’s humming.
“The sink is clogged. Fix it. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” And with that the Albino man moved from the kitchen and back towards the front door. Jeff took that as his queue, and decided right then that he was going to get the sink done as fast as he could and get out of there. He didn’t want to know what was going on in this strange trailer, and he definitely did not want to have to come back here to fix anything else ever again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jenna took a deep breath to regain her composure. She knew he was going to come back out at any moment, just to make sure of what she was doing. He didn’t like her to have even such passing contact with other people. She stuck her tongue out at the dog, a small uncharacteristic defiance that made her feel better, and resumed hanging the laundry on the line, humming as she went.
It wasn’t long after that when she heard the sound of the screen door opening and closing. The steady thump of the dog’s tail on the ground was another indication of who was coming. Jenna continued to hum and hang the laundry.
“Are you ignoring me?” the Albino Man’s voice was low and calm, a sure indication of his anger.
“No,” Jenna replied softly as she carefully laid the shirt she had been about to hang back in the basket. “Is there something wrong?”
“It’s just that you looked so startled when that man came…” his voice shook slightly. Jenna knew she would have to tread carefully. The Albino Man’s greatest weakness would be the loss of her as a possession; anything that threatened his ownership of her was at risk, and she didn’t want anyone hurt on her account.
“I was just surprised that someone had come so close… I’m not used to seeing people…” She forced her voice to sound weak and afraid, and prayed that he would believe it.
He stared at her silently for a moment before moving close and wrapping his arms around her. He held her so tightly she could imagine that her rib cage creaked. She wrapped her arms around his neck. Her eyes rose to the kitchen window, and she was almost startled again to meet Jeff’s eyes. Why was he staring? The Albino Man continued to hold her.
“I’m sorry Jenna,” he murmured softly against her hair. The words themselves caught her off guard and she blinked, still holding Jeff’s gaze. “ I’m sorry for thinking the worst… after all, where would you go without me? What would you do? Who would you be? Even if I suspected… I’ll try to remember that from now on.” He pulled away from her slightly, kissed her lips softly, and turned to go back in the trailer.
Jenna heaved another sigh of relief and turned back to the laundry. As she pulled a wet shirt from the pile of clean clothes, she looked over at the Dog, and was dismayed to find that he had fixed his eyes on the kitchen window and was growling low in his throat.
When the low humming from outside had stopped abruptly, Jeff couldn’t help but go to the window to see what was happening. He watched the Albino Man approach Jenna, saw him speaking with her and felt an irrational surge of fury as he witnessed her automatic submission and shame. His anger only intensified as he listened to the Albino Man’s words to her.
He was surprised to see the astonishment on her face when she noticed he was watching, before she shifted her attention back to the Albino Man. She seemed to shift quickly back to what the Albino Man wanted her to be, radiating shame and humility as he kissed her. If Jeff hadn’t been watching a moment ago, he would have felt that everything she was displaying for him has been the truth. This new twist on their story piqued his curiosity.
He was quick to stifle his interest as the Albino walked away from Jenna and back towards the trailer. He hurried back over to the sink, and thanked goodness that a reset of the Garbage Disposal was all that was required to fix the problem. He had started to wipe down the inside of the sink when he came in.
“I’m all finished here. Just a simple reset of the disposal and you’re good as new.” Jeff smiled at the strange man, for after all, it was in his nature to be friendly. The Albino Man gave him a short cold look and motioned him towards the door. Jeff was a little taken aback by this abrupt attitude, but took the chance to leave as fast as he could without seeming to run. There was something strange about that man, he thought, as he walked up the road. He could hear Jenna humming and before he quite knew what he was planning, he had resolved to see and speak with her again.
A few days later Jenna was walking towards the liquor store in the morning, feeling thankful that she was alone and glorying in her small freedom. Sometimes she felt that she must enjoy her freedom more than other people because she had to work so hard to earn it. She felt, at that moment, far away from anything oppressive and the hope that kept her alive day after day infused her being. She felt, then, just entirely happy to be alive and walking.
It only took Jeff a moment to catch up with her. He was sure that they were far enough from her trailer that he wouldn’t be seen; he was vitally sure that if he were seen with her that there would be horrible consequences for the both of them.
When Jeff appeared at Jenna’s side she was stunned enough to stop in her tracks. The hope and well being she had been feeling a moment before vanished to be replaced by a deep and abiding fear. She glanced nervously over her shoulder before speaking.
“What do you want?” she spoke quietly and was almost too soft to be heard. Jeff was taken aback by the bluntness of her question, and it took him a moment to respond.
“I don’t know. What do you want?” He startled Jenna and himself with his answer, but her retort came quickly with no hesitation.
“To be left alone to enjoy time to myself. What are you doing? Following me or something? You’re going to get me into trouble!” The ferocity of her words would have seemed strangely out of character to Jeff, had he not seen her face when the Albino man had been holding her a few days before.
“You don’t fool me…” he said, “why are you there with him? I can see how you hate being there…”
“How can you see anything? What can you know? You haven’t been around the last few years. What do you think you know? I have errands to run, and more punishment to look forward to if I am late.” With those words she started walking abruptly in the direction of the liquor store.
Jeff watched her walk for a few paces before following her. He didn’t try to catch up, just walked behind her until she reached the store and went in.
He was waiting for her when she came out. Without a word he took the bag and the coffee from her hands and started walking back in the direction of her trailer.
“What are you doing?” she said to him as he walked away from her. Her voice was low and had a dangerous sound to it.
“Walking you home,” the glance he tossed back at her was full of challenge.
“Wait!” she gasped, running to catch up with him, “You can’t do that. You really can’t…” She reached out and grabbed his arms, trying to pull him to a stop. Unfortunately, he was much stronger than she was and ended up dragging her the next few steps. “Please…” her voice was pleading, and it was that which stopped him in his tracks and forced him to take a good look at her. Her eyes were wide and frantic, her skin as pale as it had been the morning he met her and her ragged breathing was plainly audible.
“What is so frightening about him?” Jenna was startled. He didn’t sound angry or frustrated, just inquisitive, like he really didn’t understand.
“Jeff…” Jenna startled both him and herself with the casual use of his name, “why is it so important? What you really should do is walk away and forget you ever met either of us… Just ignore things and we would both be a great deal happier…”
“Alicia! Alicia!” My eyelids flickered open at the sound of my name. I turned my head towards the bright yellow glow of the doorway seeking the source of the voice. Slowly, still keeping one part of myself in the dream, my eyes focused on my mother. She stood looking at me, impatience in her very stance.
“You stupid lazy girl.” She said once she realized I was aware of her presence. “Get out of bed right now! I need to your to make dinner for your little brother!” She turned and exited the doom, slamming the door behind her.
I yawned and covered my mouth with my hand, allowing myself to sink back into slumber. I am Jenna and she is me, and I have to know what is coming next.
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andersda reviewed Version 1 -
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Dayle reviewed Version 1 -
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This start of this piece is intresting and hooked me straight away. I wanted to know why Alicia was seeing this councilor and what made her dreams so much better than her reality? This is questioned more when the piece jumps to first person and we discover more often than not it’s actually nightmare that Alicia experiences. Again, this made me what to read on and learn more about the girl.
When the story jumps and we are introducted to Jenna and the Albino Man we automatically assume that this is a dream and we’re getting an insight on Alica’s mind.
In the end this piece makes you intrested in both the stories of Jenna and Alicia, I’d definetly like to read more.
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4everYours reviewed Version 1 -
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This was great. There were three technical bits I picked out, so I’ll get them out of the way first:
was her eyes – WERE her eyes
the young with whom she lived was entirely opposite – missing a word
in it’s own way; – ITS
I see no flaws in your writing, you have a very good command of language. The only thing I can think of is rearranging some things. You start with the psychiatrist, but is he a significant character? Doesn’t seem to be, and you should start with a significant character.
You only write a little bit on the main character (who I’m assuming is the girl with the sleeping problems) and then a very large, very detailed chunk on Jenna. I even forgot several times that there was a girl with dreams.
I’d suggest including a bit more of the protag to start with and gradually drift into Jenna.
By the way… your ending – I want to read more! You stopped at a crucial part and I’m so interested to read more. Will there be more?
alberto311 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good and creepy. I like the underlying parallels between Jenna and Alicia.. So far so good. No real constructive critiques, except I wanna see moawr
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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Karma – You should first format your stuff with a full space between paragraphs and then paste to URBIS so we can see paragraph breaks. I just spent ten minutes discussing how Raymond Chandler used to make use the short opening paragraph technique to build suspense, then realized it was effing URBIS not formatting properly. You had already done so.
“people speculated, ....... [People] would….. I’m a big believer in not repeating the same word too close to a predecessor. ”Neighbors would work just as well, and also convey a more personal connection.
“Fortunately, he didn’t leave the trailer often[.] [He] had Jenna run his errands, for which the residents were profoundly grateful.” More consistent with the sentence pattern you are using.
“They both shared …...... growl if someone came too near to her.” Are you setting us up for the dog as human? Most refer to animals as he, she or it - not who.
Karma, we don’t know one another very well so I’m going to take a risk. I’m going to copy this out into word and re-punctuate. It’s like the whole thing is there, right down to the words and phrasing, but you placed all the commas and modifiers in the wrong place. The characters are developed, the level of diction consistent, the exposition logical, but the flow feels like you have one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brake. This is what Max Perkins used to do for Fitzgerald, so we have a bit of precedent. I’ll get it done by tomorrow night.
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