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Children's / Remember To Always, Always Say Please (Analysis)
In the house on the corner where the Jackson’s dwell, lives a big dog named Stan
and a cat called Noel. The cat called Noel was a most clever sort. Not tricky and sneaky like their pet hamster Mort. Now Mort was the sort that would steal all their cheese. Steal all their cheese and never say please.
He stole cheese for their salads, their soups, their main dishes. He stole all
their cheddars, their munsters, their swisses. He stole all their cheese. Stole all their cheese and never said please.
The big dog named Stan and the cat called Noel knew it was Mort but had no way to tell. The Jackson’s didn’t know who it could be. Who could it be that would steal all their cheese? Steal all their cheese and never say please.
The cat called Noel and the big dog named Stan knew they had to come up with a plan, a plan that would bring Ole Mort to his knees. Bring Mort to his knees with his ill- gotten cheese.
Noel said, “Hey Stan, let’s make a trap. There is no one better at making traps than
us cats, for I can make a fine trap out of this mat.”
Stan said, “Noel, you’re a most clever cat but I’m sure I can make a trap better than that. Because dogs are much better trap makers than cats. Whoever heard of making a trap out of a mat. I can make a fine trap, a fine trap you will see. For no cat is a finer trap maker than me. I’ll make a fine trap right out of this log, a fact you’d well know if you were a dog.”
“Go make your trap then,” said the cat called Noel. “I’ll make mine too and I’ll make it well. Then we will see whose trap is the best. We will see when we put the trap to the test, the trap that will finally capture that pest.”
While the big dog named Stan and the cat called Noel, who live in the house were the Jackson’s dwell, went off on their own to make their own traps. Mort threw a party and invited some rats.
Rats as you know really like cheese. Rats I am told would never say please. The rats ate the Jackson’s cheese right away. Then turned to Mort and asked “Where’s your cheese stay? We know you’ve been storing cheese for a year. We want that cheese now, so bring it right here.”
“No, no,” said Mort, “you can’t have my cheese. For we are the same kind, you can’t steal from me. I invited you in to eat cheese for free, but none of my cheese. You must leave my cheese be.”
“You don’t understand, Mort” the rats called him by name. “We came to eat cheese, that’s the reason we came. Their cheese or your cheese, to us it’s the same. We plan to eat cheese until no cheese remain.”
“Oh no,” cried Mort, “this can not be. How can these rats steal cheese from me?
How can these rats steal all my cheese, steal all my cheese and not even say please?”
Mort ran to get help, he ran up to Stan. “Stan you’re the man, the man with the
plan. I have a small problem; I could sure use a hand.”
“Give you a hand?” said Stan, “you must be out of your mind. You steal from the Jackson’s, you rob them blind. You steal all the cheese, all the cheese you can find. You expect me to help you out of a bind? Mort you’re a thief and a hamster and that’s the worse kind.”
Mort goes to Noel, “Noel, my old pal, I haven’t sat and talked to you in a while. You’re looking quite nice,” Mort said with a smile. “Go away, Mort I’m busy,” replied Noel with a growl.
As Stan and Noel put their traps to the test, put their traps to the test to see which
was best, Stan asked Noel, “Have you seen Mort today? Did he stop by to see you, have something to say?” “Yes,” said Noel, “and I shooed him away.”
At that very moment the dog and the cat came to realize one simple fact. The traps they had made meant more than the plan. They could have caught Mort, he was right in their hands. The plan to make traps wasn’t about Mort at all. The plan to make traps wasn’t about a mat or a log. It was about who was better, the cat or the dog.
“I’m sorry, Stan,” said the cat called Noel.
“I’m sorry too,” said Stan as well. “We could have stopped Mort, he was right in our hands. We could have had him and completed our plan. We could have stopped Mort from stealing the cheese, stealing the cheese and not saying please.”
Suddenly they heard a most terrible sound. They ran for the room and guess what they found? There were rats everywhere upstairs and down.
Mort ran up to them and called out their names, “Stan, Noel I’m so glad you came. These rats have gone crazy; they’re looking for cheese. They’re looking for cheese and they didn’t say please.”
Noel looked at Mort and said, “I’m surprised at you. These rats are doing the same thing you do. You steal from the Jackson’s, they steal from you. Stealing was stealing when you did it too.”
“I’ve decided to give all the cheese back. Stealing is wrong; I’m sure of that fact.
Please help me,” said Mort, “get rid of these rats. Help me before the Jackson’s get back.”
The cat called Noel and the big dog named Stan knew it was time to set up their plan. They had made two fine traps, both the cat and the dog. They had made two fine traps out of a mat and a log. Now it was time to set up those traps, now it was time to get rid of those rats.
“Okay Mort,” said the big dog named Stan, “but you must help us set up our plan.
We must get the rats to enter our traps, enter our traps it’s as simple as that.”
“Yes,” said Noel, “and we must not wait. You get some cheese and we’ll use it for bait. Don’t let the rats see where you keep it. If they find your cheese you know they will eat it.”
Mort said, “I’ll try to get the cheese without being seen, but that won’t be easy if
you know what I mean. There are rats everywhere, everywhere to be found. There are rats everywhere, upstairs and down.”
“I’ll help you Mort,” came a small sound from the ground. As Stan, Noel and Mort turned around to see who had made that most tiny sound; a very small rat is what they found.
“My name is Boo, and I will help you.”
“Wait a minute, Boo you’re a rat too. What makes you think that we would trust you?”
“Why wouldn’t you trust me?” says Boo to the cat. You think you can't trust me because I'm a rat? “You trust the dog, and you’re a cat. Just look at the hamster, he looks up to you. It seems to me that he trusts you too. When I saw the three of you together I thought you knew, it’s not what you are, it’s what you do.”
“You are right, Boo” said Noel, Mort and Stan, “we could sure use your help, we surely can. If you’ll distract the other rats, we’ll set up the plan.” Mort turned to Boo and said, “Thanks for the hand.”
Boo ran off to distract the rats. Mort ran off to get bait for the traps. The traps
that would finally get rid of those rats.
After Stan and Noel had baited the traps, they waited for Mort to bring the rats. Mort said, “Hey guys, I’ll give you my cheese. I’ll give you my cheese if you follow me please.”
The rats took the bait and walked right into the traps. The traps caught the rats; as
simple as that. Caught in the traps the rats started to plead; “Please let us free, we promise
to leave. We promise to leave if you let us free please.”
Set free from the traps the rats went away. Noel, Stan and Mort learned plenty that
day. They learned a fine lesson from a small rat named Boo ‘It’s not what you are, it’s what you do.” Mort learned another fine lesson too.
Stealing is wrong no matter what. It’s better to ask for the things that you want,
whether it’s candy or toys or presents or cheese and remember to always, always say please.
The end
Written by Lynn Burks
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JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 1 -
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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icedsapphire reviewed Version 1 -
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Hamster stealing cheese? Sounds more like a mouse thing. Other than that, a well polished piece. Your characters are fun, enjoyable. Actually I think I could see a series with these characters.
Your phrasing is well thought out. I give you major kudos!
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lmjean3 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the rhyming aspect of the story, kinda reminded me a little of Dr. Seuss. It seemed a little long at times, especially about the part for making the traps. I feel with a little help from a professional publisher/agent you could have a good hit with this one. I liked the rat boo the best! Good Luck.
camille reviewed Version 1 -
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This the work of a fine writer and the creation of the story had focus, and the
characters were best suited for this story. The craftmanship and the way you
rhyme. I especially like the part when you said It is better to ask for the
things you want and learn to say please. This story will keep children
interested and they will learn a lesson in good manners, and not to steal.
They will learn its not what you are its what you do in life that makes you
a great person or a special person
A_Passionate_Flame reviewed Version 1 -
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The story is good overall. I like the steady cadence of the rhyme. There are some parts that break rhythm, but overall it’s very good. nods On a technical note – there are a few grammatical errors that I noted.
When you put the name of the family, Jacksons, I’ve noticed that you’re putting it as if it’s in the possessive. It should be Jacksons, not Jackson’s. Unless, of course, you’re saying something that pertains to something that’s their’s.
Here’s an example.
In your story, a line stated:
Help me before the Jackson’s get back.”
That should actually read:
Help me before the Jacksons get back.
On another technical note, you spelled muenster cheese incorrectly.
Other than the few technical mistakes, this is very good. It’s easy to follow, and would be especially be easy for a child.
It’s got a very good moral, which is important for children. _
lynn_savage reviewed Version 1 -
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its good. i know the rhyming this was supposed to be sort of like dr suess, but to be honest with you, it was kind of distracting. i mean, you shouldnt have to..find things that will rhyme..like mat and trap..overall, it has a good theme and i say if you work on it, it will be good. the rhyming is cute, but not necessary. i would love to read this when its finally finished and illustrated.
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