There have been many hang ups that have prevented further writing despite my desires.
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Action Adventure / Lucky Penny - Chapter One
Chapter One
If he wasn’t drunk at the moment, Jason knew he would have seen the gun sooner. At least then he might have been able to warn Charlie. Until now, the world had been a blur, though the gun shot shook him from his sodden state. The man Jason had thought was a homeless guy asking for some change was now demanding a lot more than a few coins. He would have laughed at the irony if there wasn’t a gun pointed at him and his friend wasn’t bleeding on the ground.
"Hand it over.”
The man gestured with the silencer to Jason’s briefcase. Jason looked to Charlie who lay curled up on the cold concrete clutching at his bloody side. The adrenaline that pumped through Jason’s veins was overwhelming and made it painful to keep still. He wanted to run far away from the menacing figure dressed in tattered clothes. If he was to stay alive and save his friend, he had to stand and wait. One wrong move could be his last. The gunman looked ready to shoot again.
Jason Anders swallowed back the fear that skittered through his chest. The pale light flickering from the street lamps left too much to the imagination. Shadows moved eerily over the short man who awaited his reply.
“Jason,” Charlie sobbed through the pain struggling for breath. “Just give him the coins. They’re not worth our lives.”
Jason had promised to keep them safe; now one thought pulsed urgently in Jason’s skull: How can I escape? He extended his arm and offered the case. Panic inflated in his chest and tried to choke him. Would this man let them live?
His assailant cradled the case and searched inside, the gun still trained on Jason. Coins clattered to the cement still contained in their plastic shells after being given a single view. They were Egyptian and Roman and worth a fortune. The gunman was searching for something and Jason studied him as he pawed through his belongings. The man was clean shaven, though dirt had been smeared over his face. It wasn’t caked on like many of the homeless. It was an act. Those who witnessed this man’s crimes would never pass their knowledge on to another. The man was a professional sent to retrieve something. Either Jason would know soon what that was, or he’d be writhing in the dirt and grime of the back alley beside Charlie. A burst of rage erupted from attacker as he heaved the case aside. Two steps brought the gun pressing into his chest.
“Where’s Hypatia?” The man snarled at him.
“Here.” Jason said.
This was his chance to live. Tumbling head over tail, the coin Jason flipped from his pocket sailed high in the air. The assailant’s hands reached up for the spinning disk and Jason lunged forward in an awkward tackle. They both toppled to the ground though this didn’t stun the man for long and he reached for Jason’s throat. Jason struggled with all his weight to keep the gun from inching closer to his face. The sounds of the world fade from Jason’s mind. There was nothing more than the gun. Blackness clouded the corners of Jason’s vision. One of the two had to give soon, Jason’s consciousness or the attacker’s gun arm. It’s the latter and Jason took that moment to bring his knee into the man’s crotch. A flash blinded him as the gunman’s reflex actions squeeze the trigger. The world went dark.
A cavernous hole coated with brain matter and gore greeted Jason’s return to the world. His neck was sore but it would heal. The hole in the gunman’s head however…
“Charlie, you’ll be okay, I’m calling for help.”
Jason applied pressure to Charlie’s wound and jury rigged a compress out of shoe laces and socks. An odd twinge in his gut caused him to make the call anonymously. Whoever hired a man like this may be bigger than they could handle. Now with Charlie’s immediate needs attended to, Jason fetched the gunman’s Ruger and let it slip into his pocket beside the strange coin with Hypatia’s image on it.
“Charlie, I’ve put a compress around you to stop the bleeding but I don’t think I’m safe. I’ve got to get out of here. The police are on their way so you’ll be okay. I need to know something before I go. Where’d you find the Hypatia coin?”
“In Dagestan.”
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cursorblock reviewed Version 7 -
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Jedikid129 reviewed Version 7 -
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Hypernormal reviewed Version 7 -
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Lillie_M reviewed Version 7 -
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You tell a good story and I was interested from the first few lines. Even though I have no knowledge of rare coins you gave enough information for a layman like me.
I like the bond I am starting to see between Jason and Charlie. Although Jason feared for his own life he didn’t sacrifice that of his friend, this already shos him to be a loyal and moral character. Jason stands out as the lead with Charlie his sidekick, something that is generally a given in the Action Adventure genre.
I did notice one thing. Should “world fade” have been ‘world faded’
Other than that I felt I was reading an already completed piece. Good and enjoyable.
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Cloggs reviewed Version 7 -
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Well, it’s a good lead up. Even though little to nothing is known about the story or the characters themselves, it’s clear and direct to the point. I hope to learn more about this story as you continue with it!
MrJawbreakingEquilibrium reviewed Version 7 -
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Yeah, you drew me in. It was well written and tightly paced. The one thing I’d change is the line about the homeless guy wanting a few coins. I’d change it to where you say something kind of clever about him only wanting coins and how that was ironic. Maybe move the line lower after the narrator mentions that he has coins and they’re worth a fortune. Know what I mean?
But other than that the story is great and I would not have been hard pressed for it too keep going.
So, get to work. :-)
JaneLloyd reviewed Version 7 -
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Coins clattered to the cement still contained in their plastic shells after being given a single view.
You need a comma after cement
The man was clean shaven, though dirt had been smeared over his face. It wasn’t caked on like many of the homeless
Also I would try and merge these sentences into one, it would flow better.
Two steps brought (past) the gun pressing(present) into his chest.
Right here is the perfect example of what I’ve been seeing on and off throughout, tense shifts. They’re not a huge deal (I do them all the time) but it does detract the reader from your story. So I’d pick a tense and then go check all your verbs.
This definitely needs some revising (the tenses are all over the place) BUT the story itself is good. It makes me wonder what makes that coin so special, why is it worth killing over? This is an enjoyable story.
twilightalleternity reviewed Version 7 -
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I like how you started your story with shooting. That’s always an excitement to readers, especially at the beginning. It makes them want to read on. You gave very nice details. This could easily be published, in my opinion.
JesusFreak reviewed Version 7 -
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the story does provide imagery for the reader and the actions make the reader seem involved or watch it as it happens which makes up for a great story
the characters are put into place to where you can almost feel and see what the are doing you made the story just jump off the page so well done.
JHarvey reviewed Version 7 -
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I like this scenario a lot, but I think I need to know more about what makes these characters tick to really be drawn in.
I don’t think it’s necessary to introduce Jason’s last name here:
“Jason Anders swallowed back the fear that skittered through his chest.”
It kind of throws the reader off track a little bit because they are used to the character being referred to as “Jason” and then “Anders” is thrown in.
Overall, great creativity!
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