Short Story / Lighter Pink (Analysis)

I don’t know why, but I absolutely love this. Maybe it’s because I’m a smoker, maybe because I’m a pyro? I have no clue, but…yeah. I feel really bad for Mark, but in a way…it was lame poetry for a booty-call.
I especially love the last two lines…the former is what would totally happen in a real-life situation and the latter confirms all the humiliation you’d be sure to feel.

Oh, my. Classic miscommuntication between the sexes so aptly demonstrated in this brief vignette. One’s man’s poetry is another’s offence. Just a perfect, sad, hilarious misunderstanding between the sexes…and the poor guy. Brilliantly related, expertly revealed in such an everyday scene.

“He had enough sick-leave to make it through to Saturday.” Priceless…funny despite the fact that we’ve all been there in some way or another.

Skilled story telling!

McKinley

I like these voyeuristic glimpses into other lives. A couple of suggestions: “crumpled and limp to one side” sounds awkward to me but it could be the way you speak there. Here, I would just say “crumpled,” or “bent and crumpled” or something like that.
” He needed to span time. To wait for her to pass through those automatic doors that sensed only her presence” I would change to “He needed to kill some time until she passed the doors; the automatic doors that sensed only her presence while he sensed only an opportunity.”
Other than those I found nothing else that I didn’t like. I do enjoy your style and look forward to reading more of your work. Best wishes and all you need is love, John

Please, don’t explain things to people! I loved this piece…poor horney banker dodges and thinks himself right out of the opportunity….what grabbed me most about it was the style; I alomost quit reading because I though it wasn;t going to flow but then to be fair, plowed on, for about 12 seconds and was hooked…I have nothing to say about any of it, other than it’s about done, don’t you think? And well.

Nice flash here.  Short, tight, good characterisation, succinct plot.  The imagery was also good. I especially liked the line ”...unmapped charges…through the QRS spikes and ventricular contractions of a heart – in – folly”  A long line, but clear, clever, and funny.  The constant TLA’s are a nice stylistic element.  The shoddy come-on and subsequent come-uppance are well depicted.  Your ending lines are clever and final.  Nice work.
I do take issue with the line ”...where as he had sensed…”  It seems a little vernacular in a piece that uses the word salubrious.  I think that ”...where he had sensed…” would do better here.
Thanks for the read

I think this storyline is delightfully novel.  The writing, however, is far too weighted in diction and syntax for such a playful piece.
  Your leading passage is solid. The one following it is full of technical and errant terms:  I cannot fathom this line. You have the colloquialism of fortnight with the equinox and financial mismanagement; following along is EFT and BSB and a “soothing layer of false sustainablity.”(I don’t believe the general public is familiar with these acronyms).
   The following paragraphs continue in this vein. I’m searching for your ‘signature’ in here and it escapes me with such a pottage of written style.
   I urge you to reconsider your diction and syntax. The story itself is such an amusing  one and with a lighter touch, could make for quite an entertaining read.  Good luck.

To begin with I thought this was a good contained scene for a short story, and you write well (the pacing was good).

I had some trouble with the acronyms – I got the first two after a while(I thought that was a good and clever sentence) but the QRS spikes eluded me.

After identifying Mark, I would have reverted to pronouns …If Mark is right… sounded wrong, as if someone else were involved observing him. (leave the last Mark)

...It was Wednesday, (there are two Wednesdays in a fortnight. Perhaps `the Wednesday’ or the `longest Wednesday of the fortnight’.

...sensed only her presence…(I’d leave out `only’ – the doors open for other people too.)

...reinstated its dictum.. (Didn’t work for me – too hard to work out. I’d go for something simpler)-reasserted itself)

...fresh pits of puzzlement… (didn’t understand `pits’ – though I thought you might have been getting at holes
he’d dug for himself?)

I may be slow, but eventually got the ending – he was going to disappear for a while – avoid embarrassment. I’d try and find someway of being clearer, more explicit.

Overall I thought it was good – hit familiar points in me – the cig break, waiting for the pay transfer – humorless, bludging women.

Hope I’ve been of some help. Thanks for the read.

This is not a bad short story, just one that kind of left me thinking “is there more?”

This sentence:

“It was Wednesday, the longest day of the fortnight – the glaring equinox of financial mismanagement, before EFT would rain down upon those parched BSB’s and deliver a soothing layer of false sustainability.”

and the end of your third paragraph are full of things I personally can’t figure out (I may be dumb though, I haven’t discounted that).  I’m still trying to figure out what the “glaring equinox of financial mismanagement” means, what it has to do with Wednesday and the rest of this story.

• add/view comments (1)

January 11, 2007

by Kym

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
115	61.9% (21 votes)	23.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
37	M	Australia	December 01

Ah, payday is usually a Thursday in Australia, so you’re always poorest on the Wednesday just before.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This was a story that truely kept me reading. Though I don’t smoke, I could appreciate the idea behind a smoke break at work being the only significant moment in someone’s day where they could figure out a way to talk to a love intrest. However, I don’t understand why she took offense to Mark’s calling her a Tigress.

I hope there is more to this story. It seems like it would be a good beginning to a guy’s attempt to woo the girl he desires—even if your thinking is that he will never get her.