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Stage Play / Promise (Analysis)
Setting: A dark prison. A single cell. In it is an old prison bunk. The mattresses are filthy and stained. Occupying these cots are two men, Aaron on the bottom, Brady on the top. The cell is eerily silent except for the occasional sound of a rat scurrying across the cold floor looking for remnants of the prisoners’ meals. After a few moments of this silence, Aaron’s voice is heard.
Aaron: Hey. Brady. You up?
Brady turns in bed, the few remaining springs in his mattress squeal in disapproval. He doesn’t respond.
Aaron: [trying again. this time slightly louder] Brady? Can you hear me?
Brady: Yeah I hear ya. Whattaya want?
Aaron pauses until Brady speaks again.
Brady: [this time a little softer] Well you gonna tell me kid?
Aaron: I was just thinking.
Brady: Yeah?
Aaron: Tomorrow's the day.
Brady: Yup. Sure is.
Aaron pauses shortly before he continues speaking.
Aaron: I’ll be getting the chair.
Brady: [indifferently] I know.
Another pause.
Aaron: Ever wonder...what it’ll feel like? To be dead?
Brady: [responding after a while] Nope.
Aaron: Do you believe in life after death?
Brady: I don’t reckon so.
Aaron: I do. But not like heaven and hell. I think when people die, for doing something bad, I think God lets them come back, to be good. You think that happens Brady?
Brady: [repeating himself] I don’t reckon so.
Aaron: Well, maybe when I die...I’ll come back as a good guy, like a policeman, and I’ll keep people safe and I’ll not want to hurt them. You think I could do that?
Brady: I don’t suppose you could do that after you died. You’d be dead. ‘Sides cops ain’t that good. Hell, they got you in here didn’t they?
Aaron: But that’s their job. I did something...bad, and they had to do their job. [he pauses a while then speaks again]
Aaron: Brady, ya ever feel like you can’t help but be bad and do bad things? Like God made it your job to be bad? Maybe he done that so we’s could teach others not to be bad. Maybe when people see us die they don’t wanna do bad things anymore. So it’s like we helping people...in a way.
Brady: [in frustration] How’d you come up with that load of bull? Ain’t no God out there telling you to be bad. You’re bad because you just are. Guards say you got something wrong with you, some kinda mental imbalance or whatever they call it. Ain’t no God telling you to be bad.
Aaron: [in disappointment] Maybe.
A long pause follows. Aaron looks up and stares at the bottom of Brady’s bunk. Suddenly he begins to cry softly. He starts to mumble something under his breath incoherently. Annoyed by the sound, Brady yells down at him in frustration.
Brady: What the hell are you going on about?
Aaron: [remorsefully and while stifling sobs] I didn’t wanna kill her Brady! It was an accident I swear! I never done hurt someone in my life before, I dunno why I did! [in panicked confusion] W-why did I do it Brady. Why Brady?
Brady: Aaron would you shut the hell up already? What you asking me for? Do I look like I care? You can’t do nothing to fix what you done Aaron, neither can I. It’s who we are. Now get to sleep!
Another pause.
Aaron: Brady do you remember Paul? How he killed his cellmate by strangling him in the night ‘cuz he wanted the top bunk?
Brady: [barely audible] Yeah.
Aaron: One day I asked him why he done that, killing someone for a bed, and he just laughed at me and said, “Makes no difference to me, I get my own cell now.”
Brady doesn’t respond.
Aaron: Brady?
Brady: [angrily] What!
Aaron: Can you promise me something?
Brady: I’ll promise you anything if you’ll shut up and go to bed.
Aaron: Okay. I’ll stop talking but you have to promise.
Brady: [in exasperation] Okay. What do you want me to promise?
Aaron pauses before continuing.
Aaron: Promise me Brady. Promise me you won’t do bad things anymore.
Brady: [indifferently] Yeah. Okay. I promise. Happy?
Aaron: Be serious. Promise.
Brady: All right. I promise I won’t do bad things anymore. That good?
Aaron: Yeah. That’s good.
Brady: Okay. Stop talking now.
Aaron: K, Brady.
The lights dim and return. The next day Brady wakes up. He crankily gets out of his bunk and makes his way to the toilet in the corner of the cell. After relieving himself, he turns around to see Aaron still asleep.
Brady: Wake up, gotta face the day.
no response.
Brady: Come on kid, get the hell up.
Brady makes his way over to Aaron.
Brady: [shaking him] Get up. Do ya hear me? I said get up. Brady begins to shake him even harder. Aaron still does not wake up. He then notices that the sheets are red.
Brady: [confused] What the hell...? [he begins to yell]
Brady: [very loudly] Aaron wake up! [shaking him even harder] Wake up! Aaron I’m gonna kill--
Brady breaks down. He continues yelling as tears form in his eyes. Hearing all this commotion, three guards make their way over to the cell.
Guard One: Hey, what the hell’s going on in here?
Brady doesn’t respond but continues shaking Aaron.
Guard Two: Christ, that one’s dead.
Guard One: You’re kidding? Right before his execution? Hahaha, wow. Guess we gotta clean it up.
Guard Three: Yeah.
The three guards enter the cell. Guard Three restrains Brady while the other two examine Aaron’s body.
Guard One: Whooee. Talk about a lot of blood. What did he slit? Wrist? Neck?
Guard Two: Looks like the wrist. [he pries something from Aaron’s hand] Well I’ll be. Looks like he used this rusty screw from his bed to do it, too. Talk about determination!
Guard One: Hahaha, yeah. Let’s get ‘im outta here.
Guards one and two carry Aaron’s body out of the room. Guard Three remains for a while, eyeing Brady. After a while he makes for the cell door but before leaving looks back to Brady and speaks.
Guard Three: What’s up with you? He was gonna die today anyway.
Brady doesn’t respond. For a short while Guard Three remains in the cell doorway before walking off. Brady makes his way over to the bottom bunk and pulls himself up onto it. He has stopped crying. He brings his knees to his chin and wraps his arms around his ankles.
Brady: [whispering] I promise.
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Outstanding! Everything from the very start of the scene is clealy established without a whole lot of description, yet there is enough dialogue to bring the characters and their situation to life.
I liked Brady’s indifference throughout the conversation and how at the end his true feelings came out.
I also enjoyed the surprise twist that Aaron took his own life. I had no idea that was going to happen.
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First off, this is wonderful. It’s well written and well plotted and the dialogue is really good.
I think you portrayed the guards as unsavory characters. Which, if you intended that, is just fine. They just act very casual about a death.
I think it would be awfully hard to die of a cut in the wrist. Unless he bled to death, which would be a very slow death. Or if he hit a major artery.
This play gains momentum from well-written dialogue, and the final moments are emotionally powerful. However, I think a bit of dialogue on the topic of suicide might foreshadow the death of Aaron nicely. Obviously, you don’t want to give away the ending--it ought to be a surprise--but some talk of sin and guilt and the general taking of human life is in order. Without it, Aaron’s suicide seems out of character.
Notes:
In the setting, you describe the sound of rats in the silent cell. This is a nice idea for a short story or screen play but would be useless in a live theatre.
Include direction for squeaking mattresses in the setting—it is impossible to direct a mattress to squeal.
Aaron says, “I’ll be getting the chair” but I think this line would be more effective if it were delivered in slang terminology.
Limit dramatic pauses between lines—a steady pace is essential to holding the audience’s attention.
When Aaron talks about Paul killing his cell mate for the top bunk the reader naturally thinks that Aaron might be planning to kill Brady. These lines do not further the story and should be eliminated.
Do you really plan to have Brady pee on stage? Ewww…
I think that Brady should show his anguish re: Aaron’s death to the audience, but restrain himself when the guards arrive to demonstrate his complexity of character.
I think the guards should be absolutely brutal in their joviality re: the death of a condemned inmate—this would encourage the audience to have compassion for Brady and set up his final line beautifully.
Well i thought that was really good.
I didn’t really see any problems, just when the guards come in, i would make it a little longer when they’re cleaning it up. Like make them call aaron bad names or something. Kinda show what brady was talking about, how they weren’t good or anything.
I love the ending to. How you just put i promise.
You could even make it longer, like make a whole play about Brady and Aaron, i think that would be awesome.
I hope you got a good grade on it.
-Nathan
This is good. It’s intriguing, unique and I like it a lot.
Overall:
I’m confused by the ending. How did Aaron die? Did he kill himself? I thought so at first, but then it wouldn’t make sense for the guards to say “wow”.
Minor things:
Just say “beat”
“disapointedly” or whatever, not in __
font: 12.0px American Typewriter”>—Huh?
The lights dim and return. —Technical thing, it the lights just dim, how will the actor have time to put blood on the matresses without the audience seeing?
The next day Brady wakes up. —Cut this and just say BRADY wakes, or sits up or whatever he does.
Hahaha,—Say “laughs”
I don’t think the guards would need to restrain Brady.
I think you need more stage directions, do they sit up, stand up, roll over in specific places, etc…
These are all minor things, I think you have a very strong peice here. Good job!
wow. that was really powerfull! i liked the contrast of the characters of Aaron and Brady. i also admired the realistic view of the story. Your right, not all stories have happy ending. I liked the way it was true in the aspect of no one really caring that he died except Brady. Also it was good that at the end, i saw a softer more compassionate side of Brady. i really didn’t expect Aaron to kill himself, good suprise ending. I liked this alot!
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