Thank you. Yes, I thought the typical falling
in love with a prince/princess was overdone.
Novel Treatments / Rayne (Analysis)
In a small house just outside of Halcyon, a small village in a country that was barely known, lived a beautiful girl named Harmony Divine. She had hair like midnight, deep black with shades of blue and shiny like the stars. Her long lashed eyes were milk chocolate and her cherry lips were barely without a smile. Her skin had the liking of perfectly browned bread which made the villagers joke that her existence came about in her parents bread shop.
Every morning, just before the sun smiled upon the world, Harmony would walk the half mile to Halcyon where she helped her parents in their shop. The Divine's bread was said to be the most delicious and sought after of any the world over. In fact, their bread had been dubbed "Royal Divine Bread" because of the constant flow of royal couriers who came to Halcyon by order of Kings and Queens simply for the bread. Every year, for his annual ball, the King of Spain would request one hundred loaves of the Divines soft wheat bread which tastefully complimented the roasted boars the King himself had killed. The Duchess of York sent a courier every month for her monthly tea and crumpets with her equally spoiled sisters and the Queen of England made a special trip to Halcyon just to knight Mr. Divine. After sampling his honey buns at a royal wedding the Queen insisted on shipping honey from her royal honey hives so that the honey buns would truly be fit for a King or Queen, such as herself ,which could only be made by a royal knight.
The Divine's bread not only brought royalty to Halcyon but travelers as well. The aroma of the baking bread wafted through the valley like a sweet overture enticing many a traveler to leave their path of destination and make a new one towards exquisite deliciousness. Soon, many paths were made anew from the main road winding through the woods and fields like branches from a tree towards Halcyon.
As Harmony got older her father saw this as an opportunity for his daughter to find a husband, possibly of wealth and stature maybe even a prince, as he did not think any of the men of Halcyon to be worthy of her. Her beauty failed to disappoint her father as it drew in many a courter but her unwillingness to give any a chance drove her father crazy.
"Harmony, what ever am I to do with you?" Sir Divine asked as he watched the Prince of France sulkily walk away.
"What do you mean, Papa?"
"That is the third prince this month you have turned away. A Prince! Do you know how many girls dream of a prince for a husband?"
Harmony shrugged her shoulders and smiled." Well they can have them. What do I want with a prince for a husband anyway?"
"Well, you would be a princess of course!"
"Oh? I thought you said I was YOUR little princess," Harmony teased.
"Ah yes, you are my dear but, if you marry a prince you will have maids waiting on you hand and foot. You will never have to do anything for yourself again! You could leave the bread shop and Halcyon and live happily ever after!"
"Like a fairy tale, Papa? How silly and boring that sounds. I don't want anyone to do anything for me that I can do myself. Besides I love working here with you and mother. Living in Halcyon with you and her is all the happily ever after I could want."
"What about a husband? And children! Don't you want children?"
Of course I do, someday, but I don't want to marry just any man and have just any ole kids. I want to marry someone I am in love with, like mother did when she married you. I want beautiful children of course, but made from love, like me. Please don't be angry with me, Papa, when I turn away a suitor."
"I am not angry, Harmony. I just want the best for my daughter."
"And I will have the best, you'll see. He may not be a Duke or Prince but whoever he is will be the best because we will truly be in love and happy. Besides, I am only sixteen. I have plenty of time to find a husband."
"Okay, Okay. I will not bother you anymore about this, or at least I will try not to."
Sir Divine was true to his word. No matter the riches that were bestowed upon his daughter he did not bother her in any way about her decision. Instead he took over the kneading of the bread from his wife. On those days the dough did not rise quite properly and so he would have to take a walk and relinquish the kneading back to his wife. Mrs. Divine only smiled at it all as she knew her daughter was being smart in knowing that her happiness would not be found in the riches her father wished for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One spring day just beyond the Magenta hills, a gypsy caravan was making it's annual pilgrimage to the spring festival just north of Halcyon.
As the gentle breezes tickled the fresh growth of the trees and gave the tall grass the rhythm to dance, so too did they carry the sweet aroma of Halcyon's pride. Though there were many in the clan, the fragrant zephyr seemed to be meant for only one.
Luca Faa tossed back his flaxen mane in an effort to clear his vision when his nostrils were invaded with the hypnotizing scent of warm lemon poppy bread drizzled over with a sugary lemon icing. The vapors seemed to wrap around him like a giant hand, pulling him towards Halcyon. He was some what aware that he was wandering away from his clan but he could not resist the invisible hold over him.
As he entered the village the scent was so strong it seemed to permeate through out which caused his stomach to remind him with a wild growl that he had not eaten since the night before.
He entered the bread shop with little amazement at how many people were crowded inside. He was sure that the shop stayed busy from the smell alone and could not wait to taste what they had to offer.
Luca stepped aside as a troop of royal guards exited the bread shop carrying basketfuls of the bread which had enticed him.
One of the guards stumbled over a rock causing a loaf to tumble from the basket. Luca reached out and caught it and after a careful look around to see if anyone was looking he slipped the loaf into his satchel. The warmth of it against his side made him smile as he thought of the pleasure of fullness it would bring to his grumbling stomach.
As he continued to watch the parade of guards with their goodies, Luca felt that little tingle one feels when being stared at. Suddenly a wave of guilt and fear washed over him and he readied himself for a confrontation. Images of a stoning or meeting his fate at a guillotine in the middle of the village taunted him.
Luca jumped and a small yelp escaped him as he felt a hand on his shoulder. As he turned to face his punishment he tried to quickly plan his escape. He was surprised to feel the pain of his heart stopping suddenly as he came face to face with the most beautiful creature he had ever seen, donning the sweetest smile. His face blushed so that he thought he would burst into flames from the heat of it.
“May I help you ?”asked Harmony.
“I..I. .uh” Luca, who was normally a talkative person and at seventeen was the greatest storyteller of the Gypsy clan , was speechless.
“You aren’t from around here, are you?” Harmony questioned as she looked him over.
Luca, still unable to speak just shook his head.
“Are you able to speak? Or are you a signer ?”
“I uh, yes”
“Yes you can speak? Or yes you are a signer? Oh, you do both.” Harmony smiled as she teased Luca.
“Speak! Speak! I speak I mean I can speak”
Harmony laughed and Luca, realizing her playfulness laughed a little as well.
“I am Harmony”
“Luca. Luca Faa of the gypsies.”
“What brings you here Luca, Luca Faa of the gypsies?”
“Oh, well we are just passing through on our way to the spring festival.”
Harmony looked out into the street and all around then looked back at Luca.
“Where are the rest of your clan? Or are you alone on your travels? Or,” Harmony leaned in for the last bit and whispered, ”are you the leader of an invisible clan?”
“Oh, ha,” Luca blushed and scratched his head in a nervous manner,”I guess I kind of wandered away from them.”
“So you are lost then?”
“No. A gypsy is never lost. I was minding my own business, thinking of the festival and the food that I would be gorging myself with when I caught a whiff of the bread these men are hauling out of here by the basketfuls.”
“Yes we seem to attract many travelers that way. Would you like to order something then or, is that loaf in your satchel going to be sufficient enough?”
Luca stiffened and wondered if she was going to turn him over to the guards, then she giggled.
“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything.”
Luca sighed in relief and smiled at her sheepishly as his stomach growled out at him again.
Laughing, Harmony said to him,” I was just going to take my break and have my lunch at the pond. Would you like to join me?”
Once again speechless, Luca just nodded his head and fell into step behind Harmony as she headed out of the shop. As they walked down the cobblestone road they snuck shy glances at one another. No words were exchanged on their walk, just sheepish smiles. They left all the talking to the birds chattering in the trees overhead.
Beneath a weeping willow Harmony split her beef roast sandwich to share with Luca and gave him a plum for after. She watched as he ate the sandwich greedily.
“Sorry,” he apologized through a mouth full of meat and bread,” I have never tasted bread this good before. Don’t get me wrong, gypsy women are good bakers but this is like nothing I have ever eaten before.”
“Well, it is said that our breads are the best in the world.”
Luca looked thoughtful as he popped the last bit of his sand which into his mouth. His eyes got big as he nodded his head. “This must be the village of Halcyon! I have heard stories of this place and your bread. Do you know that there are no signs leading here? Halcyon is on no map ever made. There are so many paths and trails leading this way that one can not be certain of where they are going. The only way to find this village is to use your nose.”
“So this is the first you have been here?”
“Yes it is. I have heard many stories from others and we have passed nearby on our travels yet this is the first time I have been to this village. It’s quite nice actually. Small, quiet and of course a wonderful bread shop.”
“You are lucky. I have never been outside of Halcyon. Our house is in the woods a half mile outside of the village but that does not count. I have never traveled. What is it like, Luca?”
“Well, it is a very free feeling. No ties binding you to one place or another.Seeing different villages in different countries and eating their different fares. No worries really and a lot of fun. At night I sleep beneath the stars and sometimes when a gentle wind blows through the leaves it sounds like a song, a lullaby, lulling me into my dreams.”
“It sounds wonderful. Not like living here. I mean, Halcyon is a wonderful village but sometimes I wonder what is out there. I don’t think I could ever live anywhere else but, I would like to see something different for once.”
Luca looked at Harmony and the longing look in her eyes as she spoke. He smiled as a thought crossed his mind and he jumped up to his feet.
“Then come with me, Harmony. I will take you to the spring festival.”
“What? No I can’t.” she said with alarm in her voice.
“Why not? I thought you said you wanted to see what it was like outside of Halcyon. Don’t tell me you are afraid to leave here.”
“I am not afraid of anything. I have a responsibility to the bread shop. I can’t just leave. I have to help clean up from today.”
“Well, I can help you and then we can leave after.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think my father will be too happy with me running off with a gypsy boy I barely know.”
“Well, who said he has to know? We will sneak off after you clean up the shop and then we will be back before morning, before they know you were gone.”
“You mean, stay out after dark? Travel in the dark? Who has heard of such a thing?”
Luca laughed at her innocence and it was her turn to blush.
“Don’t laugh at me. I am not afraid of the dark if that is what you are thinking. I just, well I sleep at night like normal people do, remember I am not a traveler.”
“So I guess this means you are not going to the spring festival with me then.”
Harmony smiled,”I didn’t say that. I will meet you here at five o’clock, after I close up the shop.”
Luca smiled as she turned away from him and made her way to the bread shop.
Harmony talked her parents into going home and letting here deal with the shop on her own. They only hesitated a moment before deciding that going home early for once might not be a bad idea. Harmony cleaned and scrubbed as fast as she could as Luca looked for a horse to borrow so that they could get to the festival faster than on foot.
Then, at five o’clock they met beneath the weeping willow once more and smiled at one another as they headed off for the spring festival.
2.
Before they had reached the festival Harmony could hear the crowds with their jubilant cheers and laughter. Her body begin to tingle with excitement at the sounds. As they got closer the scent of roasting hedgehog and rabbit and sweet fried apples welcomed her. They entered a clearing filled with dancing women and children chasing after one another and Harmony suddenly felt nervous. She had never been to a festival as large as this one was. The festivals at home were less than half this size and she knew almost everyone attending. Here she only knew Luca.
Luca seemed to sense her nervousness and placed his hand over hers. She looked into his ocean blue eyes and between them, without words, there was a pact made. She had nothing to fear as he would never leave her side.
As they entered the throng of people Luca was greeted by many. They marveled at the beautiful guest he had with him. None have ever met a girl as blessed with beauty as her. Some stayed away as outsiders are rarely welcomed but said nothing out of respect for their fellow gypsy.
Luca convinced Harmony to join him and some of his friends in a game of tug-of-war against a stronger looking group. He let go of the rope as he saw they were losing and pulled Harmony away right before the rest were pulled through a muddy hole. She squealed with delight as one by one they fell in causing large splashes of mud to fly out towards the watching crowd. As they watched other groups try to out best the winners Harmony felt a tug on her sleeve. She looked down into the sweet face of a young gypsy girl. The girl smiled and stepped back, teasing Harmony to follow.
“Where are you going?’ Harmony asked.
The girl didn’t answer as she continued to walk away, looking over her shoulder every now and then making sure Harmony was following. At first Harmony paused and only took a few steps, not wanting to leave Luca. Then, not sensing any harm she followed the girl.
She was led away from the crowds to a small tent which was filled with candle light and incense. There was a table in the middle where an older woman with wise eyes sat, smiling in her direction.
“Come in, my child. Sit.” She waved her hand at the chair across from her.” I am Vadoma.”
Harmony couldn’t resist the old woman’s smile and accepted the welcome. “I am Harmony, a friend of Luca’s”
“Yes, I know this. That is why I had Mirela bring you here. I want to share something with you.”
Vadoma placed a deck of cards in the middle of the table. “Please, take a card and lay it where I can see.”
Harmony reached out and turned over a card. The card she had lain down had a wheel on it with strange writing.
“Ah, this card is your fate card. The cards want to tell you of your future. “
“My future? What does it say?”
“Alone it says nothing. I can only tell you of your future if you truly wish to know. Would you like me to go on?”
Harmony bit her bottom lip. She had heard of fortune tellers and had been warned by her parents to stay away from such foolishness. Still, the knowing smile on Vadoma’s creased face was enticing.
“Yes. Yes, please go on.”
“Very well.” Vadoma picked up the cards and spread them across the table in front of herself.”Pick eleven more cards. Don’t take your time, pick them quickly.”
Harmony reached for her first card . Before she could turn it over Vadoma grabbed Harmony’s wrist and held it tightly. The candle light danced as a breeze swept through the tent throwing shadows on Vadoma causing her to look older than before and her eyes looked like empty holes as she stared into Harmony’s .
“Before you turn over your card know this my child; you will be opening the door to your future. We must not tamper with the future that is given to us. We cannot change what is meant to be or try to trick our fate lest we want bad things to come about. Do you understand?”
Harmony nodded her head slowly and Vadoma released her hand. She sat back and the breeze dropped as suddenly as it had come about. Harmony’s heart raced in her chest and her hand shook as she turned over the card. She looked at Vadoma but the old woman only nodded at the cards. Harmony picked her remaining ten as Vadoma had instructed. When Harmony turned over the last card, the woman bent closer to the table and scanned the cards.
Nodding as she went from one card to the other and back again, she said nothing to Harmony.
“Ah. Hmm. Yes, yes.” Was all that Vadoma said, furrowing her brow for a long moment until she finally shook her head, clucking her tongue as she did so.
“What? What does it say?” Harmony asked anxiously.
“My child. Know that in every life there is pain and suffering but, from this we learn and we grow. Good things can be gotten as well and sometimes, the good comes from the unfortunate.”
“I don’t understand. Please explain. Is something going to happen? Something bad?”
Vadoma leaned closer to Harmony and took her hands, gently this time and her face took on a softness as she spoke.
“The cards tell me that you and Luca share a very rare bond, it is true love, real love, love of the souls..”
“That can’t be, we have only met” Harmony interrupted.
“Shh. Listen to me for what I say is truth. Your love is rare, and dangerous. People who share your love also share despair. Your kind of love is tragic, it takes hold of all senses and causes one to act foolishly. The cards, they tell me that your love will be tested and will fail. There will be grief but also joy as you will be given a gift. This gift is temporary as it is precious and can help tip the fates in your favor or cause more grief. Be careful my dear in your near future. I wish you luck..”
Harmony looked at her dumbfounded and wondered if she was being tricked.
“Vadoma, I don’t understand. What kind of test will we be put through? What is this gift?”
“Child, I can only tell you what I see. That is all.”
Outside Luca was calling for Harmony and Vadoma waved her hand at her in a dismissive manner.
“Go now. Enjoy your time with him for it will be short.”
Luca entered the tent before Harmony could respond. He saw the cards on the table and looked suspiciously at Vadoma.
“Ah, Luca! You have grown into such a fine young man, and you have caught yourself a beautiful lass! Yes, yes now, you two should go, enjoy the festival.” Vadoma shooed them out of the tent and as they stepped out the candles died out and the tent went dark.
“Are you okay?” Luca asked, turning to Harmony.
“Yes. I think. Vadoma, told me things about our future. She said, “
“Don’t worry about what she said. No one can truly tell what the future is going to be. She was probably playing a game with you. Trying to scare you, she was.”
“But,” Luca hushed her with a finger to her lips and his smile that she had trouble resisting. Then he pointed into the distance and whispered” Listen.”
She stood still for a moment and heard what he had. People were hooting and crying out happily as musicians begin to play a lively song. Luca’s eyes seemed to dance with the music and he started to pull her towards the sounds.
“This is an old traditional dance, it is a lot of fun.”
“Oh, I don’t know how to dance!”
“What? Everyone knows how to dance. Just move your feet!”
She laughed as she followed Luca into the dancing crowd. She linked arms with Luca on her left and another fellow on the right and they began to dance to the left then back to the right. Harmony tried to follow their moves and kicked her legs when they did. Before she knew it she was dancing like she had always known the steps and she tossed her head back and laughed. Before the dance was over she had already forgotten Vadoma’s predictions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harmony held tight to Luca as they headed back towards Halcyon. Her cheeks ached from the smiling and laughing she did all night but she could not stop smiling. She kept playing the night over and again in her head. The games they played and the food they shared. All of the people that Luca introduced her to who welcomed her like she was family. She had never experienced such fun before and she was glad that she had snuck away with Luca. He was like no one she had ever met before. She enjoyed his company, his stories and the way he made her laugh, and blush. She thought that maybe he was the one that she could spend the rest of her life with.
She was lost in her thoughts when Luca tapped her hand with his fingers.
“Did you fall asleep back there?” he asked.
“No, I was just thinking about how much fun I had.”
“ I knew you would enjoy it. Here let go so I can hop off and help you down. I think we should let the horse rest for a moment.”
Harmony let go of him reluctantly but was happy to be off of the horse. She had never ridden a horse before and it made her haunches ache.
As she stood there watching Luca tie up the horse she was suddenly aware at how alone they were. She felt a little shy as she had never been alone with a boy before.
Luca smiled as he walked up to Harmony.”We are lucky there are no clouds in the sky tonight. Now I can teach you about the night sky if you wish.”
“Oh, yes! Please do.”
Luca gently pulled her closer to him as he pointed towards the stars.
“Do you see that star there? That bright one?”
Harmony nodded.
“That is the gypsy’s guiding light, the star of the north. As long as we can see her, we will always know which way to travel. Those stars over there, together they make the great bear, and those there form her bear cub. It is said that a great God fell in love with his enemy’s daughter and had a child with her. He was afraid of the wrath of his Goddess so he turned the girl and the child into bears and whisked them away to the heavens to keep them safe.”
“What a beautifully sad story!”
“Sad? He saved her and their child. Why is that sad?”
“Because the mother and child had to be taken away from the ones they knew and hidden in the stars, away from their families.”
“Not really. They were put where they could always be seen but safe from harm. You don’t think that sounds gallant? If I could I would do that for you, if I had to.”
Harmony blushed. She was unsure of what to say and instead laughed.
“Was that funny?”
“No, Luca. I am sorry . I was just recalling how much fun I had tonight. Thank you for making me dance. I had never danced like that before!”
Luca turned toward her and put one hand on the small of her back and took her hand in his other one.
“Have you ever danced like this before?” Luca began to hum as he lead her into a graceful dance. She found her footing and fell easily into step with him. He held her eyes with his gaze and smiled while gliding across the grass. The insects of the woods chirruped and the birds twittered as if offering the music for their dance. Luca pulled her closer and they moved as if they were one, her head resting on his shoulder. After a few moments Luca slowed his movements until they were just standing there in each other’s arms. Their hearts were beating in unison, rapid with anticipation. She looked up at him and he brushed a lock of hair from Harmony’s cheek before softly meeting her lips with his. It was the sweetest of first kisses and seemed to last forever.
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mykietown reviewed Version 3 -
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You’re very efficient at telling your story. Within these two chapters a lot the story upfolds. The reader quickly focuses on Harmony as the heroine of the story. I think this immediate connection is important, especially for a young adult novel. I get the sense you have a strong grasp of Harmony as a character, being sheltered as a baker’s daughter in Halcyon, and being spirited away to the festival by Luca. Clearly she is a charming young girl seeking adventure and being drawn into this relationship with Luca.
In terms of description, Luca and Harmony as the most complete in terms of a physical description, albeit with the use of flowery words (Harmony’s cherry lips, Luca’s flaxen mane). I think you have the opportunity to flesh out the other characters more, particularly her parents; her mother especially is hardly more than a footnote. I can’t recall any description of them, and I do not have an image of them in my head the way I do with Luca and Harmony.
You also have an opportunity to develop the setting a little more. Is Halcyon a quiet little village on the way between other places? Is it a farming community? What about the festival…how lively is the place? What do the revellers look like? Is there something about the young girl that catches Harmony’s eye, causing her to follow the girl?
I do caution about going overboard with the flowery descriptions too. I think especially with fantasy/fairy tale stories, many writers tend to focus more on the setting and imagery more than the plot. So far, I don’t think that’s the case for you. I think the strongest element in the story is the dialog. I’d estimate that it dominates most of the storyline, and propels the storyline the most. However, I’d challenge you to develop the action more, as well as the feelings behind the action, especially for Harmony.
The pace of the story moves so quickly that the reader doesn’t get a full understanding behind Harmony’s motives, or even the internal conflicts she faces. We get that she loves her family, and that she’s drawn to this mysterious gypsy. But its more of a leap for the reader to understand her thought process. What really draws her to stay at Halcyon despite the countless suitors? Yes, she does say to her father “I don’t want to marry just any man and have just any ole kids. I want to marry someone I am in love with, like mother did when she married you,” but is there a way you can show this through the action of the story?
Most importantly, the biggest part that’s missing is a stronger sense of conflict. The action seems to just happen. She refuses her suitors, and she meets Luca, and she goes to a festival, and she gets her fortune told. What made Luca different than the other suitors? Why was she drawn to him in particular? I think developing those conflicts, whether internally in Harmony’s thoughts, or externally through the fortune teller will motivate the reader more to turn the page.
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JaneLloyd reviewed Version 3 -
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As per your request I did not take into account any spelling/grammatical errors!
To begin I love the description of the bread in the beginning and I hope that will remain a theme throughout the story because it works very well as a storytelling device. Also the tarot card reading gives the reader foreshadowing and let’s worry and also hope for the couple to make it through.
I think this story does have merit in it, it’s a very sweet but different fairy tale where the guy isn’t a prince and the girl isn’t a princess in disguise (at least no so far). I would say that the sentence and story flow, the manner in which it is told, is very typical fairy tale but the content isn’t as typical. But even if you do stay close to what is the “typical” fairy tale it doesn’t mean your story isn’t good, in fact I think it’s really good so far and it works for what you’re trying to do. Despite how little they know of each other it is believable for them to want to each other because you made it so. Great job, keep going. Needs a little revising but you knew that. Can’t wait to see where you take this.
Owl_Light reviewed Version 3 -
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You need to make more of the knighting because you simply say he was knighted in a skippable sentence and nothing more.Generally folk don’t carefully read every word. I had to go back to make sure Sir Divine was Mr Divine. You need to have more characterization too. Once you have an idea you need to take time to draw it out and not just gallop on.
The small paragraphs are a ittle tedious to read. You often jump from one action to another idea after but a couple of sentences.
The sentences about the Duchess of York and the crumpets don’t seem to belong to the story at all. The reader of a fairy story wants to be transported into fairy land and not reminded of reality like this.
If this is for the young adult then the idea of romance is not going to hold their interest. What the young adults want is adventure and stories of phantastic creatures. They want original names for places , not Halcyon, and different fantasmagorical whimsical unknown species, not zephyrs.
I think that you have a vivd imagination and can see your story before you. I think that you can see the bread shop with its customers and its owners. Unfortunately you haven’t taken the time to tell us about it. Since it’s a fairy story, we expect some sort of magical ingredient, or magic baking method, or bread which has some sort of magical quality eg you eat it and you can learn whatever is written in a book in front of you.
Well done for creating a magical world. You just need to transport that world into your reader’s heads.
Write on. You have something really good here
jkazimer reviewed Version 3 -
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As I’m working on a fairytale type tale as well I was interested in reading this. And yes, you really need to work on punctuation, so I won’t point out grammar issues, but know that they are there.
As for the story, I’m not sure it works for YA, nor as a novel. The first problem I see is that everything happens too fast between Harmony Divine (which I hate to say brings instantly to mind a stripper) and Luca. There is no tension, no working towards or building of a relationship, so I’m not invested in either of them. Plus, in a fairytale there are obstacles in place from moment one to tear the lovers apart, so where is there obstacle? A reader needs that, needs the tension to make us care about their love story.
The next problem being the YA. Just because you’re writing to a YA audience doesn’t mean that you need to write down to them. This is much too telly and lacks the instant, intense flair youth are used to. Nothing much really happens in the way of action, and when something does, you tell us, and don’t let us experience it for ourselves.
So how many chapters are there? In a way it seems like you’re almost through the story within 2 chapters.
The gypsy thing is a bit problematic too. Gypsy clans are usually dark haired and skinned, but you describe Luca as flaxen haired which is blond, right? So unless he’s not a gypsy that’s a issue. Also, gypsies are known for their..less than stellar moral fiber when it comes to theft. In plenty of towns, a clan would’ve been run out of town.
One more little point, the browned as baked bread description is…umm..overdone. I start thinking bread, rather than caring what Harmony looked like.
Okay, take from this what you will. Overall, I can see this is rough, and it does have moments of entertainment. I wish you luck on it.
j
oneshot92 reviewed Version 3 -
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I think you have a wonderful story here. I loved the characters. I especially enjoyed what you have done with Luca. Even though he is worldly traveled, he still maintains the same innocence as Harmony. This especially shows in the last scene, as he tells her the story of the bear and cub. Both his innocent youth, and nobility shine here.
I also liked how you have spun this to a more modern story of the search for true love, and not the typical search for a prince.
Your narrative and dialogue were wonderful. I felt as if I was part of the story. Great work with this, and good luck. I can’t wait to see what happens.
martykate reviewed Version 3 -
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Sorry I didn’t read the whole thing, but I do have some impressions of your story.
I have a problem with the name of “Harmoney Divine.” I may have become jaded, but it resembles a name an exotic dancer might use. I understand the imagry, but you might want to re-think the name. Something similar would work that would conjure the same image, just not so stripper sounding.
I’d like to hear about what magic went into the bread that it had the effects on people that it did. You’re hinting at something special, but you leave out what that special is. Obviously this bread had some magical properties.
I like your character Harmony (in spite of her name), even if she seems a little “Princess Jasmin”. Spirited female characters who know their own minds add good things to stories.
You might have something here. Keep working on it.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 2 -
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I don’t think there can ever be too many romantic fairytales for fans of the genre. I like your story idea. I also love the character’s name and your description of her. But sometimes agents and publishers don’t like it when you immediately go into what the character looks like; they like for you to spread it throughout the first chapter. Don’t change the details, they’re perfect.
This story is marvelous for the young adult romance genre. I was so disappointed when it ended suddenly! I wanted to know what happened between Luca and Harmony next. And to answer your question, this definitely has potential.
effervescentpsyche reviewed Version 2 -
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You did a really awesome job describing the people, I would suggest maybe a little more description of places. Like when she invited him to the pond, setting up the scenery is a good idea so the reader can envision it in their heads.
I think that it does have potential, because the story idea is very intresting. Of course since this is a roug draft you know there are punctiation errors and some fragments…but it’s a work in progress like any unpublished novel.
I do not think that it is too cliche. I think you hit it right on the ball and I think it’s perfect for young adults and I hope you continue the story.
Marvin reviewed Version 2 -
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“Harmony Divine.”—great name. fun.
“barely without a smile”—“seldom: might work better here. or not. up to you. fine opening description of the character. perfect for young adult, in my opinion.
“After sampling his honey buns at a royal wedding”—sounds dirty. are you sure this isn’t for adults too?
“to leave their path of destination”—this read awkward for me. ”their current path maybe?” hmmm…
“chance drove her father crazy.”—drove “him” crazy. I’ve noticed a lot of repeated words so far. ”bread” “halyon”, and while they work to remind the reader of what we’re reading about, it’s almost overkill. maybe consider losing some of the “name” dropping, if you can. or want to.
“and live happily ever after”—cliche but fitting and funny.
“and have just any ole kids.”—this sounds kind of odd too.
“On those days the dough did not rise quite properly…”—getting dirty again. I like this story.
the sights and the smells are easy and intoxicating. well done.
Luca stealing the bread and freaking out then meeting Harmony is very sweet. Also feels perfect for a young adult story.
“Don’t get me wrong..”—this felt out of place, out of time. too modern for the story, methinks.
Hmm…the festival is barely touched upon. We don’t get to “see” a whole lot, although you do touch upon the effects it has on Harmony. Maybe consider taking your time through the festival. It would be a great place to show things, as well as fill-in the development of she and Luca’s fast love.
overall-
simple and sweet. it is cliche? a bit, but it almost works in your favor. it’s got a “prince and the pauper” vibe to it, and sure, it’s not a new theme by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s still fun.
criticisms?
some unnecessary word repetition, and it reads a bit loose, if that makes sense.
but i think it’ll be perfect for a young audience. and suggestive enough for older readers (like me) too.
well done.
steelblue71 reviewed Version 2 -
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Well, it was a wonderful fairy tale! At first I was a bit hesitant because I couldn’t see where it was going, but I thought it was an adorable story. It seems like it would be a better children’s book. Picture book kind of thing, because it’s probably, literally a little old for young adult stories. There was some marvelous imagery in describing the town of Hycalon and Harmony Divine which is part of the reason I think it would be good for younger kids. The character Luca has just enough rascal in him to be likeable.
As for grammar/punctuation, when Harmony mentions ‘Mother’ in dialogue, the ‘M’ should be capitalized. 16 doesn’t have to be written out, but it is usually standard. There’s a couple of commas that could be added, but nothing major.
One logical error you might want to look over. In the beginning sentence you say that the town of Hycalon is ‘barely known’, but later on you emphasize how famous the town is and how world renowned it is for its breads…? I’d suggest just taking out the ‘barely known’ part.
Is that where the story ends? It’s lacking a bit of a punch line, either that or it’s not a very conclusive ending to a chapter. I’d suggest editing the ending.
Cute story, fun setting and characters. Looking forward to maybe seeing a followup?
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