Poetry / Release

In a very odd sort of way, this reminds me of Dr. Seuss. I have no idea why, so don’t ask. I really like this…it almost seems thrown together, in a beautful kind of way. Neatly.

i love this poem it is one of the best ones i have read yet

I really like this poem. I love the lack of a “why”. If you know what I mean? The reader has no idea why this person is welcoming death so eagerly, it’s however they interpret it.

In a situation where most people would screaming for their lives, the narrator offers the feeling of ”...butterflies and boulders…abdomen…weightless and ready…” analogous to a schoolkid who’s about to hand off a valentine’s day card to their first crush. This strangeness complements the dream scenario introduced in the first line.

Maybe the “I was” in L5 could be taken out—”Butterflies and boulders swarmed in my abdomen weightless and ready”. The contrast of weight between the two and the fact that now they’re without because of free fall seems punchier IMO.

Similarly, I’d suggest, “As my transport plunged toward the abyss”—in addition to the “my transport” inference, the reader already understands the person is in the elevator, so the “and I” isn’t necessary.

Liked the avalanche line.

I think some people will look at this as a resignation to death, but considering it came in a dream, I think it can be interpreted more abstractly—death to old ideas or bad habits, change, and so on.

-Curt  

Ooh, first off, I loved the line “with all the promise of an avalanche”.

I like that this poem is short and, efficient? Although I would expect such a short piece to have a more pronounced feeling to it. the last word being “Finally”, gives me the sense that you are welcoming death, or release, if you will, from any number of things. I think this could be more effective if you conveyed the feeling of being trapped prior to this? Perhaps this manifested itself in the elevator, a small metallic container, but I think if you developed that vessel into more of a prison that would do nicely.

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November 17, 2008

by isntlifejuicy

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Thank you for your review.

The ironic thing is, I got the idea for this poem from a dream I really did have two nights ago.  It was the most realistic dream I’ve ever had.  I woke up just before the elevator would have crashed with this tingling sensation throughout my spine, like the feeling you get when you’ve slipped on a roof, or a latter or something. I could never imagine what one would feel right before death, but I felt it in my dream (so, I guess I indeed can imagine it).  My thought process really was “well, this is it.” My conscience thought I was dying.  I really can’t even accurately describe this sensation!

Anyways, your suggestion is golden.  Perhaps it even sheds some light on the meaning of my dream (if dream interpretation is true).  I will look into adding something to the “trapped” affect.

Thanks again, this was very insightful!

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