Short Story / rescue me pt. 2, revised

Wow. Definately an intense story. Very good. It provided a good closure, although you could continue to develop the plot if you so wished too. That’s definately the right way to finish a story. I comment you on that. Very good job. I enjoyed reading it as well.

I wanted to read this because I have a desire to be rescued, too, even though I really have nothing to be rescued from.  That is a good hook.  Nice title, nice sentiment.

What can I say.  The grammar is good.  I suppose if I stared at it for some time I could find something to point out to you, but they would only be very minor.  The flow is good.  The characters are very well-developed for only 262 words—I know how hard that is.  I am trying to master the art of micro-fiction, myself.

The ONLY objection I have is that I believe this is not a good candidate for micro-fiction.  The writer enters into an agreement with the reader for a beginning, middle, and end and I’m still waiting for my ending.  Give me more.  Now, I don’t like it when I’m given that answer on some of my shorter pieces, but in this case, I have to say it’s true.  You have to at least tell us something about why Peyton is crying.  It would be the decent thing to do.

Great job, otherwise, especially from someone as young as yourself.  

Interestingly written; though, this feels quite like an introduction rather than a story.  Like the opening you’d read on the flap of a book, expecting it to enthral you enough to delve into the story.

It’s interesting, no doubt, but it needs that story, the afore mentioned, to complete it.  We, the readers, have no idea why she is crying, or what is happening overall.

Very short, short story but well written. I would like to see it slightly lnger perhaps wto include further discriptions. the concept is well formed and i think you have a good basis for developing this futher. Should you choose to do so.

This is also a nice piece. I do understand where it leaves off from part one but I shouldn’t have to guess about it. You should put more detail in connecting them.  I did enjoy the description about all the feelings he had seen herface hold but never tears. those were some good lines. I just want more.I need to know why and whay happened. Don’t get me hooked it’s not fair. More please!!

Practically perfect.  You’ve got a real winner here.  The charecter is both strong and weak.  Most women’s charcters tend to be only weak, it is so refreshing to have both sides of the coin for a change.
Loved it.

This part of the story is written very well.  I’m a little bit confused about something, though.  This is listed as pt. 2, but it doesn’t really pick up where the first one left off.  If you are writing this to stand alone, it’s quite good.  But if your intention is to just continue the story, it needs to have a better connection.  The way part 1 ended, Jason had told Peyton that he would “see her tomorrow” and Peyton had gone for a run to stay in “peak physical condition”.  But this piece starts off with Jason looking for her and finding her crying?  It’s a different feel than what part 1 had.  Both works are good, but you need more continuity.  If you were to piece them together, it wouldn’t make any sense.  I’m not trying to say that it’s bad work, because I really do think that the writing is very good, but it needs to be put together better.  The good thing is that because of that gap, there are a wealth of possibilities to explore.  

I also like the fact that you explain the relationship better with the two of them.  It made the first part a little more clear to me.  Keep up the good work, and I’ll be looking forward to seeing the next part.  I hope this helps.

MORE MORE MORE…......I’m hooked I love Peyton’s character already…..MORE MORE MORE