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Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Captured (Teeabu, Hydro-lift, & Delah Attacked) Ch 1.2

Teeabu leaped into the gray two-seater hydro-lift with the canopy down, parked in the four-column port attached to their home. He jammed the card-key into a small slot to the right of the steering gear. He stepped on the throttle and gripped the wheel. It wasn’t long before steam ejected from the chassis and the engine hummed. Teeabu backed out of the drive port and sped down the road.

He bit his lip and patted the dashboard while listening to fast music that pushed him on. His long single braid came loose in the rushing wind as he peeled back the ebony strands that flapped around his eyes. The wind whistled, chanting him to go faster, faster to find Delah. If the situation didn’t call for him to take this vehicle, he wouldn’t have.

Disregarding the ramifications of driving under age and without an adult, he zipped past scattered Reedpods on both sides of the road. His hydro-lift zoomed by acres of corn and wheat. With the need to speed above fifty miles per hour, he bobbed his head to the beat, drumming his right hand on the dash.

The beautiful day belied his troubles. Brilliant blues knifed the sky, tipped with a hint of orange. In the distance, to his right, behind the corn and wheat fields, dead trees littered the base of hills rolling by, slowly. As Teeabu drove east, the Algathgama snow-capped mountains stood strong, guarding the northeast horizon. It wouldn’t be long before he reached where Delah was. Another minute and he’d park the hydro-lift, turn on the security lock, and run through the corn and wheat fields for a few minutes until he reached the clearing.

Steam and dust from the eastern wind blew against the vehicle. He didn’t think to bring up the canopy as the dirt blew onto the seats. There wasn’t any time to worry about minor pet peeves. He looked up and shielded his eyes from the sun. With a sky like that, Teeabu couldn’t help but admire Adoini’s hand in his creation.

Teeabu gazed at something moving fast in the atmosphere.

At first the six dots appeared like tiny bugs flying against the stark blue.

They enlarged too quickly as they flew west toward Irema. Teeabu squinted at the sun and slowed down to a normal speed. A loud crack filled the air when the six balls separated. It nearly made Teeabu jump out of the hydro-lift seat.

Wait! I see something else. He kept driving down the road.

One came streaking toward him, close enough to see the red strip of light volley the circumference of the ship.

Ships? Araidian ships!

It looped around and a yellow beam struck near the hydro-lift, hitting some of the corn crop to his right. The stalks flared up. Dust and yellow streaks plumed around him. Teeabu heard a sizzle from below the chassis that took his attention from the ship. He wasn’t hanging around with this threat over him. No time to think, he floored the throttle and tightly gripped the wheel. Within seconds, the hydro-lift sped faster down the road through the pall of smoke.

Again, the terrible hum came up behind his rear, vibrating through his skin. After a second when he looked up, it skirted the rear and hung in the sky in front of him, flying in reverse and matching his speed. Huge, wide as the road, it took up five feet of the fields on either side. An ebony carapace that shined like glass watched him. The red eye bounced back and forth on its thin track around the ship. Teeabu had heard of the captured, the slaves, and death. He’d heard of Araidia’s cruelty. He pressed on, not stopping.

Breathe now. Die later.

With fierce determination, Teeabu sped ahead and a deafening boom from the beam’s impact on the road threw his hydro-lift into the air. He was airborne in the vehicle. A sensation of the orange-tipped sky rotating around Teeabu from the spinning hydro-lift made him nauseous. Spiraling in midair a few times, it crashed landed on its side and sent Teeabu flying out of the lift onto the road. Grit, blood, heat choked him. He rolled over, pounding away the dying flames on his chest and arms.

Boom! Again, the ground trembled. He looked toward the sound and the beam pulverized Yutva’s hydro-lift, bursting into flames.

Teeabu covered his eyes while black smoke and fire erupted. Shrapnel flew in his direction from the final explosion. One side of metal panel nearly cut his head as it flew toward him. He rolled on the ground, afterwards covering with hands over head. Ringing, the ringing in his ears wouldn’t stop. He felt a warm fluid stream down his cheek. Touching his temple with his fingers, he looked and saw the rich red fluid on them. Finally the ringing subsided. A few pops emerged from the destroyed hydro-lift and muffled noises in the distance sounded. He got up and brushed off his linen tunic, riddled with black holes. That fast, the ship had gone. Standing there alone, shaking, he thanked Adoini the flames hadn’t penetrated his tunic top.

In the distance toward Irema, he could see large clouds of black and gray smoke rise from the hillsides. His home Irema was under attack. Delah could be in trouble.

He had a job to do, to get her out of danger. Running in the direction of the shack, he cut through the cornfields leaping, jumping and sprinting like madman. He didn’t look back.

                                                              • • • •

From the train terminal, Delah left Teeabu behind. She cut through the parkway where the hydro-lifts and buses waited for passengers. Sprinting across the road to the hills, she headed northwest. She passed some dead trees, ran through wheat and cornfields. Looking both ways for traffic, Delah ran to the other side of a small dusty two-way road that led to her home.

Cornstalks, twice her height, gave way as she thrust them aside. Some ears of corn looked ready to pluck and would be a good meal. She picked a few and headed towards the clearing just ahead. She skipped past the orchard of crystalline trees, which she cherished in contrast to the stark brown dead ones. A crystal-like covering protected them against the fire and rain. Waiting for them to bloom was like waiting for a watched pot of Reedpod to boil. The beautiful clear flowers with a hint of pink in the center would blossom on the trees weeks before the fire and rain. After jogging a mile north, she finally made it to the small shack. Her haven, the little shack where her secret, someone or something not of her world, waited for her.

Like the dead trees, the weathered brown shack in the clearing added a rugged texture to the beautiful green rolling hills.

She let herself in through the little door. Inside the windowless shack, gaps in the Reedpod-resin coated planks let in the sunbeams to light her way. This was her hideaway near home.

Her eyes adjusted to the dark, revealing shadows and movement under the chaff across the shack. She saw it bustling to her, fuzzy with tan hair and huge eyes, dark amber and round.

Her guest had appeared here two days ago.

Delah put the ears of corn on the floor and plopped down in a mound of hay, holding out her arms. The creature leaped into her lap and gurgled, sputtered. She bent her face to it to cuddle and her long hair enveloped the creature. It batted its paw at her long tresses. She giggled.

“You know what?” Delah said, talking to the creature. “I have to get back before I’m too late for dinner. But I‘ve got a surprise for you. My cousin, Teeabu….” She trailed off watching the creature’s eyes and its little round mouth mimicking her words. Its pointed ears with small hairs at the tips perked up as she spoke.

“Do you know what I’m saying?” The creature kept pursing its lips after she spoke.

“Maybe not.” She’d spent so much time alone, it would be nice to have someone around. Now she had this little creature to converse with, and she enjoyed her animated audience.

“Teeabu has promised to meet you.” Delah picked up an ear of corn and peeled the husk away. “I’ve got something for you to eat. I think you’ll like this. You won’t like what I’ll have for dinner.” She wrinkled her nose and contorted her face. “Ugh, can you imagine eating boiled Reedpod leaves? Every time I turn around, my mother always cooks Reedpod into some dish that’s boiled, baked, fried, grilled, whipped, or liquefied. It’s not like this corn.” She scraped some kernels easily off with her fingers as if they were cooked. “Mom always likes me to grate the corn for dinner. I’m her little professional corn scraper. That’s what she says.”

The creature gently picked some kernels out of her hand and nibbled on them. “I’m glad you’re enjoying the corn. Well, imagine dark, crusty, and sometimes slimy stuff you have to eat. That’s Reedpod. It tastes bitter and sweet. I like the meat pies, though. Delah imitated her mother’s voice by lowering hers. My mother says, ‘It’s because we love you, my dear. This will keep you healthy and strong. You’ll even be blessed with long life.’”

She groaned. “I hope she’ll cook something good tonight.”

“Click, click…arghma…” the creature squeaked.

“Are you trying to say something?” Delah asked. It put a paw in hers and sat contentedly, nodding its head up and down.

“You’re smart for a…a…I don’t know what to call you.” Delah petted the creature’s head. “Here, take some more” She unpeeled another cornhusk and wondered where Teeabu was. She rose from the hay that covered the floor. Her eyes caught the chaff dancing from a vibration she hadn’t heard before. The humming grew louder shaking the shack. The creature let out a freakish scream that pierced her ears, and it bolted to the opposite side of the room. The vibration kept growing until she felt her body and everything in the shack flail in a deafening explosion.

Delah wanted to hide under the straw like her little friend, but crawled to the door and jarred it open enough to peek out. The door crashed open and smashed into her face. She reeled backwards, the fall nearly knocking the wind out of her. Blinding light from the sun streamed through the doorway and a silhouette stood above her. It blurted something out, nudging her legs with a long instrument.

Its head was huge with a long snout like an elephant. The body had arms, hands, and legs like a human, but monsters did too. A hard shell of black covered the invader like some beetle.

Her face throbbed from the force of the slam and her back reeled in pain from the fall. A wave of nausea bubbled in her stomach. It was this huge creature set out to kill her. Delah screamed and snaked backwards with her back to the floor, legs pushing her from the tall creature. The huge black-garbed monster, continued to whip her, stinging her with the probing instrument. Her little friend whimpered while she tried to grab the prod. It didn’t work. The monster was too strong and pulled it from her grip.

Her voice weakened while she cried for her mother, covering her head, not wanting to be hit anymore. She got to her knees and trembled as she stood. The monster gripped her arm until it hurt, snatched her up under one arm.

“Leave me alone. No. Let me go.” She beat the monster’s arm, scratched the carapace and kicked the thighs. She felt like a fly in a bottle unable to penetrate the glass. The monster easily carried her outside. Brightness shocked her as she came into full sunlight.

When her eyes adjusted, she looked up sideways at the black monster. He wore a mask, helmet, and what looked like a utility belt around his waist. Delah decided the monster was a man, probably an Araidian that couldn’t breathe out here among the Reedpods.

With her head down, Delah spotted the tan furry friend following close on all fours. It didn’t make a noise in the grass nor did it try to catch up with them.

Delah’s gaze followed the soldier’s wave toward a huge black ball fifty feet away. No, it was a ship. This menacing Araidian, all dark, spoke to her in garbled phrases she didn’t understand while they walked toward the ship. Her throat constricted as he carried her further away from her haven.

The soldier yelped and furiously shook his booted leg with the tan creature swinging by the booted toe. Her little friend had bit the monster’s foot. Delah took this as her chance to escape. She grabbed the soldier’s breathing hose and yanked it loose. The soldier dropped her and screamed commands then snatched off the helmet. Delah didn’t wait to see if the soldier fell over from Reedpod poisoning but darted toward the cornfields. She yelled for her little friend to come and it caught up running on all fours beside her feet. Head high, feet moving, she pumped her arms and sped into a row of stalks. The green stalks and ears of corn hit her, stung her skin.

“You, stop!” A soldier yelled.

Finally, it was something she understood from the Araidian language her mother had taught her.

The small tan creature kept up with her, but sometimes scampered into the stalks, disappearing between the corn rows. She slowed for a moment and let it return to her. Scooping it up in her arms not to lose it again, she kept running forward now more lucid, pushing aside the stalks with her other arm. She darted through the field toward home.

Smoke blurred her vision and brought tears to her eyes. She coughed, smelling the stench of burning cornfields. Her friend shrieked and Delah slammed into an immovable object. Sharp red pain seared through her body from the same type of stick the other soldier had beat her with. Buckling, she fell, face up. The tall cornstalks gave way to another soldier in black. She couldn’t move. Her heart raced, drumming in her ears. The little creature kept licking her face.

A gloved hand returned the long black stick that had stunned her with a loud click.

“Scout One, come in.” Delah heard a pause, a crackle. “You’d better give me a hundred credits for this one. She’s an Araidian. Scientists would kill to know why she’s not dead. So you owe me.” Another pause and crackling noise. It had to have been the other soldier’s response. “Scout One, can you hear me? I’ve apprehended a surviving Araidian. You won‘t believe this, but we’ve caught a Banee, too. Those sniffing rodents are irreplaceable for finding gold. Maybe this one will make us the richest son of a Granulup in the universe.” More crackling came from the helmet.

The soldier threw her over his left shoulder and picked up the yelping creature by the scruff of its neck and tucked it under his left arm. From his utility belt, he unsnapped a small green canister, fitting in his right palm, and popped open the lid with his thumb. White smoke hissed from it and she caught a whiff.

“This’ll keep you under control.” The guard said, as he walked away from the burning cornfield.

She couldn’t keep her eyes open while she heard more scuffling in the grass as they approached the ship. The ground blurred and gray edges around her vision darkened. She fought to stay awake to hear what they were talking about, but it was hopeless. Without the ability to move, her limp arms bounced against the soldier’s back and unwanted sleep claimed her. Delah let out a deep yawn and gave in to the disturbing dark.
 

                                                         • • • •


Teeabu leaped and raced through the tall stalks. The stench of burning cornstalks reached his nostrils. He pumped his legs faster, slashing back the stalks that stung his hands. He had to rescue Delah. Above the crackling fire, screaming came from the direction of the shack, northeast.

Dashing ahead of the fire and smoke, he stopped cold in the clearing. The horror overcame him. To the right, two soldiers were walking toward the ship, one carrying Delah over his shoulders. A third soldier stood between the shack and ship, with the helmet off.

He picked up a rock the size of his hand, placing it between his two fingers and thumb.

The soldier without a helmet would do for a hit. That would keep the other two soldiers from boarding the ship.

With curled fingers around the rock, he sprinted toward them, light on his feet. Thirty feet away he reared his arm back and hurled the stone with its pointed end directed at the target. The rock flew and struck the soldier’s temple. Teeabu noticed the soldier was a woman and he grimaced while she crumbled to the ground.

All he wanted to do was get their attention and somehow stop Delah from being taken aboard the ship.

It was too late for a simple apology. His heart leaped to his throat and his hair stood on end when the two black uniformed soldiers raced toward him. His mind spoke faster than his feet.

Get out now!

Before he reached the cornstalks, something stung him, causing a sharp pain shoot down his back to his legs. Teeabu keeled over and rolled from prods poking him. Bright red, yellow, and green stars sprung from his vision each time a prod hit him. Springing up, he dodged one jab toward his shoulder. The second jab caught him in the stomach and he fell over. Like black demons massing to kill, they stung him over and over again.

Finally, with eyes open, Teeabu saw the black soldiers, heard crackling coming from their helmets. One put his hand to where an ear should be and spoke. A loud yell penetrated the mask and a fearful knowing cut through Teeabu’s heart.

The soldier snatched off his helmet. A huge man with black smudges under his eyes and shimmering skin as if doused with sparkling dust scowled at Teeabu. A black tube that ran from his collar into his nose moved up and down as his nostrils flared. Hissing noises came from between his teeth while he breathed excessively.

Though an ugly sight to bear, Teeabu watched intently. A ripping noise came from the soldier’s thigh pocket, uncovering a handheld weapon. A glint of silver came from a huge commando knife aimed at Teeabu, squeezing his eyes shut, gritting himself for the stab.

Dying today was too soon. He commenced praying to Adoini, asking forgiveness for killing the female soldier, praying that Delah and Irema be set free.

A whistling wind breezed by his ear and a shadow came over him. Opening his eyes, a struggle took place above him as he looked up. Another soldier had grabbed the one set out to kill him by the arm and slammed him in the chest. The other soldier roared and pointed at Teeabu, pointed to where the commando knife, jagged edged, stood up in Shatazar’s earth next to his ear.
 

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slbynum3 avatar General Stranger

November 21, 2008

slbynum3

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I think you did well describing the scene and the action in this story. I like the creativity of this world you created. Here are some things I noticed:

“Running in the direction of the shack, he cut through the cornfields leaping, jumping and sprinting like madman.” – Missing the word ‘a’ between ‘like’ and ‘madman’.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying the corn. Well, imagine dark, crusty, and sometimes slimy stuff you have to eat. That’s Reedpod. It tastes bitter and sweet. I like the meat pies, though. Delah imitated her mother’s voice by lowering hers. My mother says, ‘It’s because we love you, my dear. This will keep you healthy and strong. You’ll even be blessed with long life.’” – I believe you meant to end the quotation after ‘the meat pies, though’ and start the quotation again before ‘My mother says’.

“The humming grew louder shaking the shack.” – Missing comma between louder and shaking.

“Leave me alone. No. Let me go.” – this quotation sounds weak without some exclamation points. Try putting one after each sentence here.

I was confused at first when you put ‘ships’ in your story cause I was thinking about the vessels that sail on water. I finally figured out you meant ships that fly. Maybe you should add that these are spaceships the first time you mention them.

Overall, I enjoyed this story. The characterization is excellent. Great job, keep writing.

Johnsienoel avatar General Stranger

November 21, 2008

Johnsienoel Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

P1 – delete this in the first sentence , parked in the four-column port attached to their home’:: it makes the sentence awkward and the reader, for this purpose, doesn’t really need to know that this is a 4 column port attached to the home.  at least not in this readers opinion

P2 – ‘fast music’:: too insipid, too general.  I think a more vivid picture can be painted here; fast/techno, fast/bluegrass, fast/classical?????

single braid – drop the single.  braid is singular.

P4 – which brilliant blues?:: robin’s egg, carolina, azure, seafoam. again just a bit too general and generic
If he is speeding…how are the hills rolling by slowly?
‘It wouldn’t be long before he reached where Delah was’ – tut tut. was what? located? singing? sleeping? reading?
-—--Page2----
::  first the sky was brilliant blue and now it is stark blue?

‘Wait! I see something else’ – this seems an odd internal dialogue since the narrative has already established he has seen something…is he, in actuality, seeing something else besides the 6 spheres?
-—--Page3--—-
:: ‘Teeabu had heard of the captured, the slaves, and death.’ – consider, [Teeabu had heard of the captured slaves and death] also drop the ‘not stopping’ if he is pressing on it is implied that he is not stopping.

‘He was airborne in the vehicle’ – redundant. it was just stated in the prior sentence.

how can the orange-tipped sky elicit the sensation?  I would suggest re-working those two sentences to capture with greater reality the sensation of being pitched through the air.
-—--Page4--—-
Did I miss something?  Where did the shack come from?  We need to have this gently placed within our sightline so that it does not feel like it just miraculously appeared in the middle of a corn field.

small dusty two lane road in rural Teeabu and she has to stop and look for traffic?  that seems a bit implausible…

headed toward the clearing just ahead…redundant – if she is headed there then we can infer it is ‘ahead’ otherwise she would have backtracked. right?

Shack! = there it is. perfect introduction. now go back and do the same on pg3. please!!!!
-—--Page5--—-
She bent her face to it to cuddle – I might suggest [she bent her face to cuddle it]
-—--Page6--—-
vibrations are ‘felt’ not ‘heard’

‘jarred’ is not the correct word, by definition.  she held it ajar
-—--Page7--—-
‘It was this huge creature set out to kill her’ – is this supposed to be a question rather than a statement?

‘The monster gripped her arm until it hurt, snatched her up under one arm.’ – redundant
-—--Page8--—-
booted leg/booted toe – I would strike one boot…

buckled = to bend so how does she fall face up?
-—--Page9--—-
was it really the ‘loud click’ that stunned her of the wallop she took from the stick?

-—--Page10----
if Delah has succumbed to the smoke and is slumped over a shoulder on page 9 where does the screaming come from on this page?

Okay!  Now that I have nitpicked…this once again is a really great read.  I have had the pleasure of reviewing another chapter and there is wonder consistency in the storytelling.  Great pacing, the narrative and dialogue do a fine job of propelling the story along.

groundscore avatar General Friend

November 21, 2008

groundscore

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groundscore reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Please look for content, spelling, grammar, characterization, believability, etc. Does the action work?
I found all the above well done. I can tell that you care about your writing and I believe the story to be credible.I found no errors in grammar or spelling or even punctuation. Admittedly,sci-fi is out of my genera, but I would like to see more of your project. Part of the problem that I have with sci-fi is that it seems to warp reality and there’s plenty of that going around theses days. Good sci-fi makes for good movies. I like it when the story moves along as this one does. When a writer feels that he has to describe each detail in detail before he is comfortable with telling the story firs makes it drag out. I like the way you moved the story along and gave little description about things irrelevant to the action.You have good voice, syntax and, characters who could stand on their own alone.

Keep me posted on your progress.

Groundscore!

oknapp avatar General Stranger

November 21, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
oknapp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Hi

“Brilliant blues knifed the sky.” What a beautiful description.
You might look at what you said about the corn. Being that i live in the cornbelt of the world, Indiana, i can tell you if the corn stalks are dead the corn is too hard to eat. Just don’t mention the eating part, okay. The description is fine.
Your writing is smooth, your descriptions vivid.
How glad i am that you named the animal.
You might want to refer to the big monster as a thing or a monstrous thing. Monster is too general.
Teeabu noticed the soldier was a woman. How could he tell because he noticed …what? The reader will want to know

I love the descriptions of Deliah and the corn, just adjust your setting. However l  do love the starkness of it. The dead fields, etc.
Maybe you could say you used the hard corn for gritted bread.  I have read this carefully and am trying not to waste your credits.
This story is getting flavor and action as well. I love the descriptions of the reedpods. Could you be a little more explicit about their value. I know you can eat them. Are the used in medicines? I like this and enjoy the fantasy feel of it. I have learned to love fantasy. It is a genre i had never explored in the past. There are a lot of good fantasy writers on urbis. I won’t waste anymore of your credits. i liked this chapter very much.  Keep up the good work, Sandi

Russell_Parkway avatar General Stranger

November 21, 2008

Russell_Parkway Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

What you did very well was create an exciting hook that kept me reading straight through nonstop. I couldn’t see much for you to improve on except for little spots here and there. For example: “You know what?” Delah said, talking to the creature. Just keep it simple and say:

Delah looked at the creature. “You know what?”

One came streaking toward him, close enough to see the red strip of light volley the circumference of the ship.  This sentence is a bit awkward. Don’t you mean: One came streaking toward him, close enough for him to see the red strip. . .?

“cornfields leaping, jumping and sprinting like madman.” you forgot to put in the A in front of madman.

What I liked less was that you kept all of this in the same chapter. It could’ve been spread out into two or three chapters that reflect each character’s POV.

DragonQueen avatar General Stranger

November 20, 2008

DragonQueen

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
DragonQueen reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Brilliant blues knifed the sky, tipped with a hint of orange. In the distance, to his right, behind the corn and wheat fields, dead trees littered the base of hills rolling by, slowly.

I like the way this is worded

This is, like teh others, well done in my eyes. This is a good piece of work and i will gladly read more. Well Done!!!

It is believeable and The characters feel real and are easily liked or disliked.

Once again good job.

SwordMistress avatar General Stranger

November 20, 2008

SwordMistress Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Very riveting read. It’s coming along in leaps and bounds!

“His long single braid came loose in the rushing wind as he peeled back the ebony strands that flapped around his eyes.” There’s noting wrong with this sentence, except that to me it almost makes it seem like he’s joy riding with the wind whipping through his hair. Maybe just me. What about…. ‘His long single braid blew loose in the rushing wind as he frantically peeled back the ebony strands obscuring his vision.’ Instead of slowing down the pace, something like this keeps up with the urgency of the scene.

“speed above fifty miles per hour,” In this advanced technology wouldn’t they travel at faster speeds? Just wondering….

“Brilliant blues knifed the sky,” I like this!

“reached where Delah was.” I think you can just say, ‘reached Delah.’

“He didn’t think to bring up the canopy as the dirt blew onto the seats.” These two thoughts don’t go together. The dirt is blowing on the seats now, he hadn’t thought to bring the canopy earlier. ‘As’ means it’s happening at the same time.

“Teeabu gazed at something moving fast in the atmosphere.” Suggestion, ‘Something moving fast in the atmosphere caught Teeabu’s gaze.

“At first” first,  

“tiny bugs flying against” How about ‘speeding across?’

“enlarged too quickly” delete ‘too.’

“It nearly made Teeabu jump” Teeabu nearly jumped

“red strip of light volley the circumference of the ship.” I’m not sure what you mean by this. Is a beam of light moving around the ship? Or is there a red stripe on it?

“behind his rear,” his rear? Or the rear of the vehicle?

“An ebony carapace that shined like glass watched him.” I’m not sure what you mean? Was it literally watching him? Or just facing him?

“He was airborne in the vehicle.” Not needed. The reader will assume he is still in the car unless you tell us he fell out.

“hydro-lift” lift,  

“pounding away the dying flames” If the flames are dying why is he pounding away?

“the beam pulverized Yutva’s hydro-lift, bursting into flames.” The wording here makes it sound like the beam is bursting into flames.

“afterwards covering” delete ‘afterward.’ It makes it confusing.

“That fast,” How fast is that fast? Maybe in an instant?

“hadn’t penetrated his tunic top.” But if it’s riddled with black holes the flames must have penetrated his tunic.

“He had a job to do, to get her out of danger.” ‘He had to get her out of danger.’ Reads a little better.

“cornfields leaping, jumping” Aren’t jumping and leaping pretty much the same thing?

“like madman.” Like a madman

“From the train terminal, Delah” This scene seems rather strange being placed here. I would have thought this would come before the part with Teeabu. Teebau is minutes away from the shack and Delah hasn’t even arrived yet. It caused a disconnect in my mind. I realize some of this is happening at the same time, but it seems like this part should come first to me. Okay see if you like this idea. Put this part first up until the part where Delah gets smashed in the face by the door and the huge figure towers before her. Then cut to the first with Teeabu racing to save her in the hydro-lift. This would increase tension, leaving the reader hanging for a while. The cut back to the rest of this part (Delah’s fight with the monster).

“floor and plopped down in a mound of hay, holding out her arms.” I would say, …floor, plopped down in a mound of hay, and held out her arms.’ Otherwise it sounds like she’s hold out her arms at the same time she plopped down.

“It batted its paw at her long tresses.” It batten at her long tresses with its paws.

“nodding its head up and down.” up and down is not needed. Nodding is always up and down.

“Her little friend had bit the monster’s foot.” If this cute little creature has big enough teeth to bite through the soldier’s boots (which I would think would be quite thick) maybe you should mention it’s teeth earlier. Maybe Delah could be surprised at what big sharp teeth this cute friendly creature has.

“returned the long black stick” returned it where?

“and he grimaced” delete ‘he.’

“All he wanted to do was get their attention” Seems like someone like Teeabu would be really strong and have a great aim. Seems strange that he would hit her in temple by accident.

“His mind spoke faster than his feet.” Unless his feet actually can speak, you should say ‘faster than his feet could move.’

“sharp pain shoot” to shoot

“He commenced praying” Wordy, He prayed

“praying that” prayed  
Great cliffhanger ending.

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catluckey Prolific-icon-medium

Age: 55
Loc: Saint Louis, MO
Gen: F
Last Login: November 21
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