Thanks Chelly. Always good to hear from those that didn’t enjoy the stories. What would make it easier to read, while still keeping with the concept of the story?
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Short Story / Shiney
Shiny
It was 3 pm, 3 hours before hubby got home, 3 minutes afterward he would be drinking; again. 3 times the phone rang, 3 seconds it took to answer and then 3 words were half shouted in excl..
"Oh, hey Hoot!" words sounded in her ear.
"Yeah, yeah, um… no, I'm doing great, Hoot. How've you been?"
"Really, you're getting married. Well doesn't that kick shit. Ha, I never thought you'd ever commit to anyone, really. Who's the lucky girl?"
"The TV reporter? Really? She's cute… What?"
"About you? No, I didn't see it. Did you record it?… Yeah?… Ok send it to me, I'd like to see that... Email?" She rattled off the address.
"When's the wedding?… Oh, in NYC? Maybe we can make, I'm not sure but I'll let you know."
"What's it like being married? Ah, well you know it takes some work… Ayn Rand said…."
"Huh?"
"Still one of my fav's alright. I know you never liked her, but you always had that aversion to Fantasy - Sci Fi crap. Remember that paper you wrote on the syntax of the Klingon language? Hehehe… Prof Abrams couldn't figure out whether to fail you or pass you… ha. What?"
"Oh, mine was on the political commentary of the comic strip 'Calvin and Hobbes', too bad Watterson quit writing that one, huh?"
"Maybe he will… Anyway, Rand says the nature of love is to demand the highest possible achievement from one's partner, and in turn to devote oneself to becoming the best possible form of success in all things to and for the one you love. Deep, right?"
"No, it's more a logical choice to prevail in life than an emotional quest…"
"Yup, like how you always hear that real love is to wake up everyday and choose to stay with your man and love him even though you don't feel love all the time… My grand pa was old school about it. I mean he was born in 1927, he told me many times that you marry "pretty", but stay married to "ugly". Ha ha, he also told me to marry a fat guy with tattoo's - that way I'd have heat in the winter, shade in the summer, and moving pictures all year round!" Snicker. "Pretty funny right?… Better advice than my mom gave me. The only thing she ever said was right before my first date. She said, 'Choose the soup because you look funny when you chew.' God, mom."
"I guess you could say that. But even though it's work, it's worth it. Just remember to be patient and kind; the rest can work itself out then."
"Hey, do you talk to anyone from the old days?", she heard a pale silence, and was sure Hoot knew what she was really asking - Do you still talk to HIM? The quite extended to staleness.
"Yeah, Hoot - I'm asking…" The sharp intake of breath on the line told her what Hoot thought of that. After all, they had hurt each other so very much.
"No, I haven't spoken to him since it happened. I know he's got kids now, but he never married her - Melody told me that."
"Really, 3 of them? Wow," she felt a twinge - Coulda been mine, she thought.
"Yeah, when the Biography Channel did that program on him they came and interviewed me, but you know what? I couldn't talk to them…. Oh, you saw it too? What about Stacy Bergman saying she'd slept with him after that show in Detroit? Bullshit, right?… Yeah, bullshit."
"Huh? No, I didn't know he said that… Really?"
"At the Awards show…? Oh, man. Wish I coulda seen that. I mean, I knew what it was about when I heard it, and don't tell anyone, but that first time… I just cried. Couldn't help myself, but later I was able to hear it all and bear it too… It was hard though."
"You knew?… Hmmm? I guess that makes sense. You were around for it too." God, how could it still make her hurt, after years and years?
"No, I could never do that. Sometimes I thought I could be strong enough for him. He always said I would be one day, but I don't think I ever will be… You know?"
"He's doing what?"
"When does that happen?… Do the other guys know?… Ah."
"I tried looking him up once, but he's like a ghost somehow. The parts of me that dream, still try, you know?"
"Yuppers!… I'll bet he's doing shiny though. Don't you? He always was shiny."
"Huh?… Yeah, I should be going too…
"Thanks, Hoot. It's been good talking to you also… Send us that wedding invite and we'll try to make it. Can't believe you're finally falling… You're the last, Hoot. Congrats."
"You take care too… Love ya."
She hung up the phone with a happy smile, and an ache in her chest.
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jelissa reviewed Version 1 -
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It took me a few moments to get into it as it’s a one-sided conversation. The first sentence seems to float and not really tie into the story. I get that it sets the tone for her life not being all that great, but it seems like it doesn’t tie in that much. Also the one sided conversation worked because I knew it from the notes, I wonder if there’s not a way to make it obvious in the story…
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chelly reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel that writing in this format takes alot away from the story you are trying to tell. It kind of makes for a hard read. I understand you are trying to do something different here but, it didn’t work for me. Others may like it but it was just too confusing for me.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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fun opening. good attention grabber. but why “half shouted in excl..?” i’m assuming “exclamation.” why not just write it?
the “monologue” works well. nice job.
“She rattled off the address”—this line feels inconsistent. why tell me this?
“she heard a pale silence, and was sure Hoot knew what she was really asking – Do you still talk to HIM? The quite extended to staleness.”--this also feels a bit inconsistent to me. I don’t like the shift to Hoot’s potential thoughts. also, “The quiet extended…”--minor misspell
“The sharp intake of breath on the line told her..”—hmmm. more wandering over into the world of Hoot. Maybe consider showing me these things from the narrator’s perspective with their own thoughts and monologue. Given the initial scheme of this piece, dipping over to Hoot feels intrusive. to me. could just be me.
overall-
very entertaining and well done. i’m a big fan of storytelling through monologue and you do it well.
criticisms?
stay away from Hoot. Keep it with the narrator. Or not. at the end of the day, it’s up to you. also, at less than 1000 words, you might want to consider sticking this in “Flash Fiction.”
Phantom reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow… At first I didn’t know what to think of this. A short story that’s a one-sided telephone conversation? But you surprised me, it actually made sense and was really good. Very good job!
Owl_Light reviewed Version 1 -
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Shiny and Shiney. two different spellings for the two first words. Not good.
Repetition of 3 stilts the read in the first sentence.And you have another 3; 3 kids, further on.
Very confused. Hubby is due home but she’s getting married.
Then the marrying is to a girl, so it must be the bloke on the other end of the phone who’s getting married.
I’m sorry to say that this writing does not work for me. You say it’s a one-sided conversation in your intro. Perhaps if you’d said it was someone on the phone that would have described what was happening so that I would have been able to see what it was from the start.
Why would she have to have a smile on her face when she hung up if she was on the phone? Ache in her chest sounds medical. It’s heartache isn’t it? Ache in her heart is what it was, but I can appreciate you avoiding that cliche.
I think that you handle the dialogue well. it all sounds very natural which is the mark of a good writer but this piece would be better written as a story. It would be much longer of course, but since you have the characters already why not Get Writing?
Good luck with it.
sushiearl reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it a lot. Very realistic. I grew to really envelop myself within the phone conversation. Me likey
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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she heard a pale silence, not a good description of silence. How about there was suddenly silence. Or she was aware of the silence. Its hard to hear nothing.
I read it easily. Its just a matter of paying close attention. Since a reader is supposed TO do that anyway, It shouldn’t be that hard.. You tell a nice little story here. you said a lot in a few pages. If i were you i would make it longer. You have a wonderful start.I like it when writers take extra steps to be understood, or go out of their comfort zones as you have done with the telephone. SANDI
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Honest I kind of knew what was going on but only a little. I must say this was a creative way of doing this story. It was realistic, I liked how we didnt get to hear or read the person on the other end responses. You also educated me a bit on how to write phone conversation, I just had a hard time determining what this was about.
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