Poetry / The Food We Eat

I like the message.

I think that its purpose makes up for a certain jump in rhythms.  
The second part of the v1, v2, and v5 sort of jolt me in a way.

I loved your usage of the word “gulag” in v4.
I felt that in v5, the word “dicey” was a bit of a stretch.  
The rhyme scheme is clearly conveyed, you might be able to afford a bit more slant.  

And “saving money is not wise.”  why not “isn’t”?

i would personally say
“saving money isn’t wise
as final bills get paid by life.”

then again, I’m a slant rhymer.  so perhaps you’re going for something more definite in rhyme scheme.

enjoyed opening stanza. sets a tone of desensitization.

shit repetition in second stanza. it’s funny, to me, but one too many shits.

how about “lagoons of slop” to keep in with the hog idea?  up to you.

“Our forebears never envisioned
we’d eat food produced this way.”—good lines but we never see the virtuous hunt, or the moral preparation of the food. offer me some contrast, mebbe.

“If you saw what happens in it”—you could consider showing me this too.

good close.

overall-

playful, simple rhyme scheme, loaded material. excellent.

criticisms?

more.  but i’m too tired to offer up a stanza tonight. what have you got in your bag of tricks? you claim no ownership, but it’s certainly your child.

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December 10, 2008

by GreenIguana

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
498	79.2% (236 votes)	17.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
45	F	NY, NY	November 22

thanks for the comments. I suppose I could add some contrast with the former family farm.
but “slop” is hog food…

December 10, 2008

by Marvin

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
570	95.7% (487 votes)	60.1%

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32	M	United States	April 26

yeah. you’re right….hmmm….i eat slop for breakfast. just had me some. yummy.

how about “poop?” too childish? double o’s to match lagoon?  i’m nothing but awful ideas this morning.

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I liked how serious this subject is and how you turned it into poetry. I enjoy reading about this in a different manner than what would be considered “normal”.

I love the ending as it is so true

“Saving money is not wise
When final bills are paid in lives.”

This is an awesome write … !

Thank you for sharing.

I rated you higher on your first criteria because what you wrote did make me think. I don’t have any word change suggestions but L8 feels like it needs a word added. Maybe change to “as they tend to jaundice livers”
just a suggestion. Good poem!

It made me think about what exactly are they trying to do to us with food. I thought it was well written and if you got a chance to publish this, it would cause a lot of controversy.

Loved it.

Hi
This is an interesting and hard hitting poem. Think I might join you in the vegan stakes. As it were. The poem has a good rythmn and is very clear and accessible. On the poesy front I found :
“The factory farm is the new gulag.
If you saw what happens in it
I am sure that you would gag.
Corporate profits need a limit.”
a little weaker than the others. Its that “it” – it stumbles and jars a tad and feels like its forced for the “Limit” rhyme. Feel that this stanza could use some re-work to make the same point but to do it smoother on the ear and in the voice.
But a good poem.

AWESOME! I agree with the idea. Food tastes weird to me. I can taste the chemical after taste and when I mention it people just look at me like I’M weird =/.
I had to read it a few times to find some flow, but that could just be me.

I liked the flow of this Poem.  Not sure your intent, however I’m not so sure this will truly convince many to re-think eating what they eat.  Overall it’s catchy.  The message is clear.

I really like how this can play with one’s head.  It is as if the writer comes in to tell the problems in, well, not detail, but as like a little summary of things

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November 25, 2008

by GreenIguana

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45	F	NY, NY	November 22

Hmm, I guess a lot of poetry is like that.

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The rhyme scheme is perfect! I enjoyed it, and yes it is on a serious subject. I say that the easiest way to portray a serious issue is to make it rhyme!
Good Job! I wouldn’t change a thing!