Thanks for the eval, encouraging!
Ah, war details in print no doubt could be done by better than I. There are times I attempt to wax eloquent articulating my little spot at that time in detail but somehow what I have seen becomes blocked by what I feel. And then I do not realize that others may not have become as de-sensitized as I to share what only can be experienced.
Still, ‘least we forget’
Some day, maybe….
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Humor/Satire / "Yep, its morning…and there’s not a thing anyone can do about it" Number 2
Disclaimer: It is no doubt that the daily arrival of battle wounded begins to gnaw at a person’s view of life. Considering we are all here because we volunteered leaves us with little excuse to complain as this is our chosen profession. Still, whether it is the daily percussions from the “controlled blasts”, the announcements of “incoming”, the alerts to possible breached perimeters or the thump-thump-thump of the helicopters landing with wounded fills each day with enough adrenaline to last a life time. Couple this with being 7,000 miles from the sweet embrace of family means finding some outlet amid the insanity is even more important. And so, this is my outlet and personal therapy. I invite you into my ramblings below.
There are people who greet morning’s arrival as if it is their duty in life to force feed happiness into every person they meet. Then there are people like me who greet morning with an attitude as if we are posing for a wanted poster at the Post Office. Admit it, morning finds us wherever we may be.
I have found morning always arrives early the more one wants to sleep. This particular morning was just as intruding. Somewhere in that wonderful land of forbidden dreams of happier times of predawn deep slumbering bliss it found me. Wrapped in a state of relaxation amid a war-zone preconscious-ness, a light appeared as if attempting to blister my very eyeballs in their sockets. Some people have reported that they have had a near death experience and felt a warmth flow through their being as they went toward the light. My experience of this morning’s light ripping me from my slumber was with the warmth and gentleness of having a St. Bernard jump on my chest while fully asleep. The CQ Runner had done his job arriving to my quarters to get me up for my shift. I immediately sat up in bed trying to read the clock but my eyes felt like they were scratched with sand paper from inside my head. Somehow the thought about people reporting near death experiences with warm acceptance crossed my mind. Just as quickly I heard myself refuting their stories for if the morning light affects me this way when it is merely at waking from sleep I have my doubts about some light at the end of the proverbial tunnel being all that comforting. As I looked around at the reality of where I was, I couldn’t help but think, "Yep, its morning...and there's not a thing anyone can do about it."
My daily ritual of waking up before I put my feet on the floor was not quite complete but this small deficiency didn’t slow me down. My mind wasn’t quite in gear with the rest of my body as I threw myself into the day. The floor thrust itself against my feet as if it was trying to throw me back in bed. No doubt it is the years of military conditioning and self discipline that prevailed me against this force as I dressed myself in that mind numb-dazed state of half-awake. Something about “dereliction of duty”, “reduction in rank” or being shot at sunrise ricocheted inside my head. I was driven by the reality that I must relieve the night shift and this forced me to throw on my uniform, Kevlar helmet, secure my M-16 and body armor complete with ammo. While I walked out the door this feeling of numb-dazed state of half-awake didn’t end, my steps to the hospital were something of a blur. I do vaguely remember seeing others stumbling armed and dangerous across the FOB in this same zombie state. As some nodded in the pre-dawn blur I knew they were thinking the same thing I was, “Yep, its morning, and there's not a thing anyone can do about it.”
My final steps to the CSH (hospital) were as if I was a cast member stuck in some black and white B-rated movie but was enticed with the smell of coffee brewing within. A prayer of thanks escape from my lips for someone’s gifted ability to make coffee to military specifications known throughout the world used in place of oil or as floor striper. I heard my coffee cup calling to me and I became mesmerized circling toward the coffee pot like a moth drawn to the flame. My trembling hands poured this elixir with rapt anticipation inhaling my first sip. I felt an almost cheerful warmth flow through me easing the grip of my every present cold anti-social demeanor. This warmth continued with each sip and step as a thin veil of consciousness allowed me to find the way to my desk. With cup in hand I seated myself at my desk to review the reports and glanced at my computer realizing that I am as bound to this contraption as some are to a cemetery grave marker. The night’s statistics revealed no deaths, no new arrivals of wounded and an “all clear” sense of nervous calm wafted over me for the moment. Deep within the crevices of my mind I heard a voice that said, “Yep, its morning, and there's not a thing anyone can do about it.”
But we're going to make it...the coffee tells me so.
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trav8434 reviewed Version 1 -
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“Just as quickly I heard myself…” Like you said, this is a bit clumsy at times. To get your ideas across you might want to rearrange a sentence like this by adding a few commas, replace “for” with “because”, expressing things without so many participles.
“small deficiency” Maybe “departure” instead of “deficiency”.
“mind numb-dazed state of half-awake.” Again, a bit clumsy. Drop a few adjectives and let the reader do the rest here.
“same thing I was, “Yep, its morning…” Colon or semicolon instead of a comma before you start the sentence in quotes.
”...to military specifications known throughout…” This sentence needs to be rearranged, maybe reversing the order a bit so that you’re not jumping from military specifications as the main point of the sentence over to the coffee being used as a substitute for paint thinner. Not that the idea isn’t a good one, though.
”...cold anti-social demeanor.” You can get the idea across clearly without “cold”.
A few times you write in the present tense, which doesn’t jive with the rest.
The ending is good. Not a terribly happy piece given the content and the stories we’ve all seen and heard, and for that reason it’s useful, worth a careful read. You could definitely teach a lot of us more about the situation over there, whether through a semi-comedic blurb like this or a straightforward recounting of events. People want to read this kind of thing.
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saveusjeebus reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the “just another damn day” feel of this story. It didn’t feel like overt humor, but it did make me smile and there’s not a lot of realistic military stories that can accomplish that. I hope it helped you in a cathartic way too. Your phrase repetition is good, and that’s something people tend to mess up a lot, glad you got it right. If anything, I think you could make the story longer, with more detail about the locations (like the hospital). Back in the U.S., it feels like there is a lot of human detail missing from what we know about the war. We see a lot of faces and hear some stories, but I like your approach and I would love if the story was longer to incorporate your viewpoint and knowledge. Keep writing, please.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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An interesting getting-up scene, a confrontation with “morning”. I’m a bit bewildered that this is in the humor section. Where are the opportunities for humor that you’re missing here? Hard to say. Finding humor as one wakes up to another day of war is difficult. As the narrator smells the coffee and begins to wake up, there are some good lines (...floor striper), but then moth to the flame is probably the wrong metaphor as this implies danger and death to the moth, rather than the satisfaction coffee gives.
notes:
Why an almost cheerful warmth? Why not let the coffee give you an outright cheerful warmth?
it’s = its (typo near the end)
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