Poetry / Delightful Diversity

There is a personality about your poem that I like.  Diversity is a very important aspect of society, especially ours.  Since this is prose, there is no real guideline that I can set in regards to what you should do to your poems, but there are a couple of things that may help.  Your word choice is very important in poetry.  Try to use different words.  Diction has the ability to make a poem much more “poetic” without much effort.  Try it out and see what you think?

Additionally, we understand your opinions about diversity.  Try to incorporate more personal experiences.  That really helps.  It creates a great bond between author and writer.  Understanding why you feel the way that you do is very helpful for readers, because many people get lost in poetry.

In conclusion, I really like your piece.  It’s very honest and I feel that with some work, you can really turn this into a really great poem.  Just try to carefully discern which words should be used where.  Good Luck!

All in all, its very good. Frankly, I don’t know jack about Sestinas, but, as far as poetry in general goes, the rhythm takes a moment to get used to, but, once accomplished, is quite solid from beginning to end. Also, I especially like the way you seemed to lose focus, without really drifting off track, to then wrap it up nicely at the end. Keep up the good work and best of luck. Kudos. —Mandy

“To pass our lives together, then I’ll bear”—should “bear” be “bare”?

Nice poem.  Diversity is our strength, isn’t it?  I like your rhyme and meter, and the topic is very apropos.  You have a good grasp of humor and the images you use, especially the bear, are quite good.  The ending is weak, however, and I would hope that in your next version it will be improved.  Great poem, and good luck with your future endeavors.

First, if you’re aiming for ten syllables per line you start off with too many – lines 1, 11, 13, and 33, have 11 or more. I think the digression to the socks, and the “football season pass” sort of comes out of left field. Also, the “moldy mold” is redundant; perhaps another adjective?
All things considered I’m impressed. I love forms and here is one I’ve been daunted by since Creative Writing I where I first learned of its existence. I love sonnets and villanelles, but here is a feat! I think with some fine tuning this could be a great work. I think it lacks a the gravity that I expect from formal writing, but the levity is a pleasant surprise. Well done!
Keep reading, keep writing!

  - Foster

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October 25, 2007

by mfrost

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First: having recently seen your skill with the Villanelle, I am ecstatic that you would even comment on my humble work.

As for your comments: I was here trying to write in accentual verse (iambic pentameter).  I realize that this is not the traditional accentual-syllabic style associated with the Sestina, but it is not without precedence.  I think the accentual verse style gives me a little more freedom with the music…which I like played against the restrictions of the form.

The “socks digression” is a semi-private joke.  I have a friend whose gay who often slips into digressions when he’s trying to make a point.  I’m mimicking his speech pattern here.  We have a mutual friend who is a bear (translated from the gay, he’s a man with excessive body hair).  I’m the football fan who can’t match his socks.  We’re a diverse group.

I’ll come up with something better than the “moldy mold.”  Thanks.

I’m about to post a Villanelle entitle “The Villanelle Of Our Stand.”  It’s no where near as good as yours, but if you see it I’d appreciate your review.  Thanks again.  I look forward to reading more of your work.

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First of all, bravo for attempting this.  Sestinas aren’t easy.  Second, you didn’t follow the exact pattern of a sestina, but the roatation seems to work pretty well, so I don’t really think it’s a problem.  Next, word choice – most sestinas have five words that are related in tone, and one that is different.  Yours would be diversity, obviously, but gerenally speaking this comes as the 6th word, not the first.  Might be more powerful that way, but again, not really a huge issue.  The word I’d be most concerned about is “on.”  I think what you need to watch out for is that sometimes you’re forcing the syntax to fit the form, so it feels a bit unnatural.  That and sometimes, especially with “on,” it’s creating line breaks that wouldn’t be there if this wasn’t a sestina.  Basically, the conjunction at the end is making for some rather unweildy rhythms, so it doesn’t flow like it should. But really, more than that, the main thing I’m wondering is how the poem develops from beginning to end.   The 3rd stanza is pretty good, and the 5th is amusing, but when we get to the end, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take away from this.  I don’t feel like anything new was said or any revelation reached at the end that is different from the beginning. So I guess the main question you need to ask yourself is what are you trying to say about diversity, and how does it affect us? Give us both sides to the story.  

I think this is awesome! Such a good construct of words… as well as a good eye for noticing something that others so blatenly refuse to see… I love the rhythem and tone in it… It thus after reading it, cause me to want to read it again and wrap my mind around it. Although there are struggles that come from being different, I would not have it any other way! XO