Thank you. It’s great to know that the descriptions of my family can ring true to other people. Really, it’s what I set out to do with this poem so to hear that I accomplished, at least with one person, is very satisfying. =]
Poetry / A Family Who Drinks Together (Analysis)
Café is the smell of my family
and my cup, cold in my hands, lulls
me to a place where I can hear them
sneaking between shouts of Español
and their broken whispers of English,
gossiping about newly divorced tias
and my 80-something grandfather
who has illegitimate children in three
countries. Not allowed at the grown-up
table, I sat with my sisters, all of us
staring as they savored every drop
of coffee and scandal, gently nudging
us away saying we were too young
to have it yet.
Now exiled to the land of learning,
I long for the fragrance of hot caffeine
daddy’s cologne hiding in his beard,
the simplicity of early school, and
notes excusing anything:
To whom it may concern,
please excuse my daughter from
life.
Instead, my head hangs above a book
education on lined paper, surrounded
by the smell that hasn’t aged a day
and the memory of their conversational
song, the bass of my father’s subdued
laugh, mother’s crashing cymbals
and the drum roll of hands slapping
the table in amusement.
Sitting here, Indian style on my bed
dressed in cartoon pajamas,
pretending to be a grownup,
my childhood is in this cup’s cold aroma.
I’m old enough to join the gossip table
have a drink and a few things to say
but I’d rather go back to those days,
when the clank of the charred coffee
pot was nothing more than an excuse
to sit together, if only for a while.
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jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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First you say “I can hear them”, then “I sat with my sisters”. I think you should avoid this tense hopping and maintain the tense continuity. Either present or past. Because the smell lulls you to that place, I believe it should be in present tense, to make it as if you are actually there.
I sat with my sisters, all of us – you may want to mention the number of your sisters (+you) here to create a clearer image.
grownup -> grown-up. You actually used this version before, so I’m assuming it’s a typo.
Nice, warm, family feeling. I like the nostalgic ending. I can relate 99% to this piece. Because I still don’t own cartoon pajamas.
Enjoyed very much.
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goofygoober168 reviewed Version 1 -
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I would love to see more Spanglish in this—I think it gives it character…
stanza 1: and my 80-something grandfather -- I’d change this--perhaps something like: and my grandfather, who has lived through eight decades
to have it yet.—Too clunky. too young to imbibe coffee’s liquid energy, maybe? play with that part.
stanza 2: I don’t think caffeine and coffee are interchangeable. I’m almost certain the former has not distinct fragrance.
stanza 3: love it, especially the last few lines.
stanza 4: I’d change “Indiand style” to cross-legged, but that’s just me.
I’d also replace ‘while’ with ‘moment.’
technoprimate reviewed Version 1 -
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tells a poignant story w/solid, visual words.
zionicyouth87 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this poem is exquisite. I can smell the aroma of the coffee as your family sit in their many interactions. The images I get are warm and fluid. You have a slow and clear style, reminds me a lot of Jhumpa Lahiri’s writing.
mckinleycooper reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. How plesant, true, and pure. The descriptions of the family around the table…universal, but crisp and sincere. The “hands slapping the table”, cologne hiding in father’s beard…exceptional.
“Please excuse my daughter from life” – I love it! The cartoon pajamas and sounds coming from the grown-ups brought so many memories to life for me. The truth of the last line is beautiful. If you’ll excuse me, I have to read it again.
McKinley
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very touching and flows quite easily, and for an early poetry assignment I commend you! Nicely done. What is a bit confusing in S1 is that it starts, ”’Cafe’ is the smell of my family/and cup, cold in my hands…” but a bit later say you stare at them savoring every drop to young to have ‘it,’ I think you mean coffee. There is a small contradiction between having a cup in the beginning of the stanza and not having it at the end. Easily correctable. In S3, you need a comma after book, and education on lined paper is not quite clear but more importantly how has that smell not aged a day and why? And why is it now a memory? Not clear? I do get the sense that early childhood is being missed when the narrator was allowed to sit on the outside of this family’s circle of coffee and gossip, which might make a better title than the one that is there as it tends to reek of alcoholism. I love thin poem for its simplicity and honesty. Just smooth out some details and you’ll have a stellar poem here. Good writing to you!
sushiearl reviewed Version 1 -
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“Now exiled to the land of learning,
I long for the fragrance of hot caffeine
daddy’s cologne hiding in his beard,
the simplicity of early school, and
notes excusing anything:
To whom it may concern,
please excuse my daughter from life.”
I really like this part. Your poem has a very strong feeling of nostalgia. I really enjoy that about poetry. If you want to make your poem stronger, be more descriptive in a poetic sense. Use diction to create pathways for your other stanzas. Your poem flows well, but by using stronger vocabulary, you can definitely give your poem more emotion.
Additionally, try to re-work the first part of your piece. I like it, but it sounds more like an essay than a poem. Try being more descriptive, but use less words or even a metaphor to draw comparisons. Your reader will appreciate that.
All in all, I think this a good piece for a beginning poetry class. Just keep writing and you’ll get much better! Good Luck
TAUTHOR reviewed Version 1 -
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I LIKE THE TITLE. THE BODY OF THIS POEM IS WELL WRITTEN. IT IS A NON RHYMING POEM BUT IT EMPHASIZES EMOTION AND FEELING. I WOULD ADD MORE TO THE TRANSITION OF YOUNG YOU TO OLD YOU. OTHER THAN THAT I LOVE THE POEM
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