Action Adventure / Untitled Action Story
Chapter One
15:00...14:59...14:58...
The red digital numbers slowly counted down from fifteen minutes. It was determining fate. A disastrous one.
When Tya spotted the bomb, she froze for only those two seconds. She had known she had to be quick about this, but this bomb put her in a definite time crunch. Now she knew she had only fifteen minutes (actually fourteen minutes and fifty-eight seconds now) to find the stolen goods, stop the bad guys, and get out of there. If Detective Harver knew about this, he’d probably be thrilled. He’d always told Tya to rush things along.
Tya checked her watch, which was also digital in order for her to tell the time quickly in missions such as these. She calculated that she had till 5:47 p.m. to get the job done before this place blew to smithereens.
Tya walked briskly towards the end of the corridor, holding her handgun, a 9mm, to her chest. The suspects couldn’t be too far gone because someone had to have set the bomb.
At the end of the corridor, Tya stopped with her back against the wall. The opposite wall ended in a corner, so the only way to go was left.
Tya whirled around the corner, jumping out into the next hallway with her gun pointed ahead. There was no one there.
Tya breathed a sigh of relief and tossed back the braids that had been thrown into her face. She always wore her black hair in a multitude of long, thin braids and they always got in the way, but she didn’t care. She thought they went perfectly with her cinnamon-colored skin, nicely rounded body, full lips, and brown eyes. And she also didn’t have the time or patience to bother with hairstyles. This way she never had to comb or brush her hair.
The suspects had chosen a fine place for the FBI to give chase. This museum was filled with dozens of corridors and millions of places to hide. Tya felt she was in a labyrinth. She just hoped she would be able to overcome whatever beast lay within it.
The walls of this hallway were covered in abstract paintings from the nineteenth century. Tya knew this mission would not end well. Millions of dollars worth of art would be blown to bits along with the building. Somehow the criminals loved messing with the government in the most nerve-racking ways. But they never got away with it. At least most of the time.
It was fortunate that the suspects had chosen a Sunday to escape into a museum. There were no innocent bystanders to worry about because the building was closed to public. The suspects had gotten into the building by shooting out a window, which meant they were armed and dangerous. From what information the police gave, there were three men and they had made away with a briefcase of valuable jewels.
Tya stopped at a place where the hallway branched into two different directions. She pointed her gun both ways, but no one was in sight.
After listening for a few seconds, she thought she heard male voices coming from the right. Yes, the suspects were that way, where a sign told her led towards the Asian vases exhibit.
Gun aimed in front of her with both hands, Tya proceeded in that direction. As she came to the end of the corridor, the voices grew louder. Tya kept in the shadows and peered into the next gallery.
Three men wearing black clothes and face masks were huddled together near the opposite end of the room, which was filled with vase displays. From their eyes, Tya could tell they were Mexican. One man held the briefcase while the other two held AK-47s. They were conversing seriously about something, probably how they would make their escape.
Tya took a deep breath. Then she took out her badge and walked out into the gallery.
“Freeze! FBI!” she shouted, holding out her badge and directing her gun at them. “Drop your weapons and surrender! We have the building surrounded.” Of course, she was lying about the building being surrounded, but that was always the quickest way to force criminals to give up.
The men jumped and turned to face her. The man holding the briefcase, an average-sized man of medium height, narrowed his eyes at her.
“Where’s all your buddies then, if the place is surrounded?” he asked in a strong accent. “Why are you here alone?”
“They’re right behind me,” Tya answered.
“Like we believe that. And you’re a woman. Ha! How is a female supposed to compete against three males?”
Tya tightened the grip on her gun. She hated when people always thought women weren’t capable of handling dangerous situations. She would prove them wrong.
“If you don’t drop your weapons on the count of three, I’ll shoot,” Tya threatened. “One…”
The main man laughed. “We have a plane to catch, so we can’t give in to your request at the moment.”
“Two…”
The main man turned to his companions. “Take care of her.”
“Three!” Tya pulled the trigger.
The guy who’d done all the talking dodged, and Tya’s bullet just grazed his right arm. He cursed, then ran towards the doorway behind him.
Tya couldn’t go after him because in the next moment, the other two men opened fire at her. Tya ran behind a column of the building just in time as several bullets shot through numerous vases, breaking them to pieces. The sound of gunshots mixed in with the ruckus of shattering porcelain. Fragments of the artwork erupted all over, some bouncing against Tya’s clothes.
When they stopped firing, Tya took a few shots at the suspects, using the column for cover. The men had also taken cover behind some displays. Tya’s bullets hit the wall and shattered another vase with intricate green designs emblazoned on it.
The men started shooting at her again. She ducked back behind the column and waited for the spray of bullets to die down.
When Tya went back to fire at them, she used up her remaining bullets. Before she could duck back behind the column to reload her gun, the men shot at her again. One bullet pierced her white shirt and was stopped by her bullet-proof vest, just in front of her left breast.
Tya was glad they’d shot her where she was protected, but it still hurt like hell. Now they’d made her angry.
Tya unloaded the empty clip in her gun and replaced it with a full one. She clicked the gun once to ready it, then she prepared herself to go out into the chaos. She had to get this done. Her watch told her there were only ten minutes left before the bomb went off.
Tya slunk over to one of the white pillars on which a surviving vase still stood. She fired a couple of times at one man, but he quickly ducked away. He fired back and the vase above Tya burst, raining fragments down on her head where she hid.
Tya moved closer to the man closest to her. She waited till he took a look from behind his cover. As soon as he did, she fired, and he fell back with a gunshot wound to his chest.
One down, one to go.
Tya tumbled over to the other side of the room, barely missing another spray of bullets the last man was firing.
Tya looked up. In the upper left corner of the room, there was a mirror. From it, she could see the exact position of the suspect.
Tya made her way around the displays and shattered vases. She tried to make as little noise as possible, but once her black boot crush a piece of porcelain and the suspect opened fire again in her direction. Tya performed a sideways somersault and ducked behind another pillar. Bullet holes formed in the wall behind her.
The suspect stopped firing suddenly and Tya heard him changing the clip of his gun. Now was her chance.
Crouching, Tya walked closer to the column where the suspect hid. Using the mirror to know what the suspect was doing, she crept around the column towards him.
The suspect finished reloading his gun and turned to shoot more rounds at his target. Little did he know, his target was right behind him.
Tya put her gun against the suspect’s lower back and fired. A spurt of blood and guts exploded from his stomach as the bullet went out the other side. He collapsed to his knees and fell sideways onto the green marble floor.
Tya’s chest heaved up and down in exhaustion. Yet there was no time to catch her breath. The final suspect was getting away and the bomb was set to explode in another six minutes.
Tya ran towards the doorway where the final suspect had ran through. She ran through another gallery of Greek statues, then turned a corner into another hallway.
There he was, the final suspect. He was standing near an elevator at the end of the corridor. He’d probably been waiting for his buddies. Well, he sure was surprised to see the female FBI agent coming his way.
“Stop right there!” Tya shouted to him, aiming her gun and walking closer.
The suspect frantically started pressing the up elevator button. The elevator doors slid open.
“Hold it!” Tya shouted. She fired twice, and sparks flew as her shots hit the inside of the elevator, missing her target. When she pulled the trigger again, she discovered she’d run out of bullets.
Grinning, the suspect stepped into the elevator and pushed a floor button.
“Stop! I command you to stop right there!” Tya yelled. She ran towards the elevator, but the doors were already closing.
The suspect waved at her just as the doors closed in Tya’s face. She banged her hands on it.
“Dammit,” she mumbled. She looked up at the numbers above the elevator and saw the suspect was going past the third floor. She turned away and headed for a door labeled STAIRCASE, reloading her gun as she went.
She flew up the steps three at a time. She stopped on the fourth and final floor of the museum, panting heavily. She quickly dashed out of the STAIRCASE door and went to where the elevator would stop.
When she got there, she saw that the elevator wasn’t stopping. It was going all the way to the roof, the last place Tya had expected the suspect to go. Why was he going to get himself trapped up there? He’d never escape now.
Tya rushed back to the staircase and up to the last door labeled ROOF. She burst through it and held out her gun.
Sunlight blinded her for a moment, then her eyes adjusted. The loud hum of an air conditioner was right beside her and she could faintly hear the traffic noise from the busy street below. Tya slowly crept to the place where the elevator had stopped.
“It’s time to surrender!” she shouted over the humming of the AC. “There’s no escape. Give up now and I won’t have to kill you.”
There was no reply. Tya swiveled around, keeping her gun pointed in front of her, then continued walking. Where had he gotten to?
Wham!
Out of no where, a briefcase smacked Tya in the face. Dazed, she stumbled back. The briefcase hit her hands next, sending the gun flying.
The suspect appeared from behind the AC unit, where he’d been hidden, waiting till he could jump out and attack her.
“You’re not so tough anymore without your gun,” the suspect said. He threw down his briefcase and held up his fists. “Let’s see if you can fight like a man. Though I doubt it, since you’re a sissy--”
Before he could finish, Tya swung at him with her right fist. The suspect ducked in time, and jabbed her under the chin. Stunned, Tya backed up to recuperate, then went back towards the suspect, swinging both fists.
The suspect evaded her punches. She struck him once in the jaw, but he shook the blow off and went back at her. He punched her in the lip, and Tya tasted blood.
She knew she couldn’t dominate over a muscular male this way. She needed her gun. But first she needed a chance to go for it.
Tya ran towards the suspect, tackling him. She pushed him against the AC unit. Then she brought her knee into his groin.
The suspect doubled over in pain, swearing at her. Tya smiled, loving that men had such a powerful weakness.
Tya ran for her gun. As soon as she had it in her hands, she was pounced on from behind. She and the suspect fell to the ground roughly.
Tya wrestled with the suspect, trying to point her gun at him. He was very strong, and he made sure he kept the gun aimed away from him during their struggle.
Tya elbowed the suspect in the stomach as hard as she could. He tried not to react to the pain, but he was still weakened by the blow. He and Tya rolled, till Tya was on top of him with the gun aimed right at his face. The suspect fell still and held up his hands in surrender.
“What was that you were saying earlier?” Tya said between breaths. “About how can a female compete against three males? Well, I just did. And I won. Now stay still and think about that while I cuff you. If you make any sudden movements, I’ll blow your brains out.” Tya reached around her belt to take out the handcuffs.
The suspect was willing to risk his life. Like the speed of lightning, he grabbed Tya’s wrist and twisted, making her drop the gun again. Tya cried out in distress and surprise. Then with his other hand, the suspect punched her in the stomach. Tya cringed in intense pain and the suspect threw her off of him.
He got on top of Tya and held her down. “That’s the problem with women. You underestimate men.” He grabbed her by the throat and forced her to stand. Then he pushed her till she was leaning over the edge of the building. Several yards below Tya’s dangling braids, people walked by on the sidewalk and cars zoomed past on the street, unaware of her predicament.
Tya struggled in the suspect’s grip, trying to pull his arm away from her neck. He pushed her a bit more, and Tya cried out in terror, afraid she’d fall over the edge.
“It would be so simple to push you off this building and to your death,” the suspect sneered. “I need to get rid of you once and for all. Or should I just cuff you to a pole and leave you up here to blow up with the building?”
Tya had an idea. The suspect wasn’t paying attention. This was the only way she could get out of this, but it would end horribly for the suspect. Oh well. It would put a stop to him. Besides, there was the bomb to worry about. How long did she have before it went off?
Tya lifted her arm and brought her elbow down on the suspects arm, causing his elbow to bend and his hand to slip from her throat. As he lunged for her, Tya ducked, allowing the suspect to teeter over the edge of the building for a moment. Tya took this opportunity to lift him by his legs, flipping him over the edge of the building.
The suspect screamed all the way down to the sidewalk, where he landed motionless in front of petrified spectators. Tya winced when she heard the thunk of his body hitting the concrete.
Tya stood and looked down at him. “And men shouldn’t underestimate females,” she told the dead suspect.
She checked her watch. It read 5:46. She had less than a minute to get off the building before the bomb exploded.
Tya cursed. There was no way she’d make it out in time even if she ran down the stairs faster than a marathon runner.
Tya gazed around. She knew what she had to do.
She went back to grab her gun and the briefcase. Then she took a deep breath and faced the next building closest to the museum. She said a quick prayer.
Then she started running. She sprinted to the edge of the building as fast as her trained legs could carry her. When she reached the parapet, she stepped onto the wall and took a flying leap towards the rooftop of the building next door.
As soon as her feet left the roof of the museum, she heard the explosion go off behind her. Bright orange and red flames erupted from the museum, sending debris flying. The force of the blast pushed Tya farther than she’d meant to go, and she rolled onto the rooftop of the next building, landing on her stomach. Agonizing pain shot through her entire body on impact.
Bruised, scarred, and ears ringing, Tya slowly sat up, grimacing. She was a mess. The museum was a ruined mess. This whole thing had been one big mess.
But she’d stopped another crime. And she’d survived.
* * * *
Sirens were already approaching by the time Tya made it down to the street. Ambulances, fire trucks, and the L.A.P.D. arrived on the scene in that order. In Los Angeles, emergencies as significant as this were responded to instantly before anyone even had a chance to call 911.
Tya flashed her badge to law enforcement to show them why she was there. She handed the briefcase over, then a paramedic took a look at her and put a bandage above her right eye where she had a minor cut.
It was then that Tya realized someone else had arrived at the scene. It was Agent Jani Chambers. Jani was twenty-six, one year older than Tya, and she was white with long blond hair and a body like a supermodel rather than a cop. She’d just recently transferred to the department in L.A. from Chicago and was also Tya’s newly assigned partner. Tya’s last partner had asked to switch to another partner for the same reason Jani was about to scold Tya for.
“Agent Tya Kimball, what the hell did you think you were doing?” Jani inquired furiously. “Why did you take on this case alone? You were supposed to notify me or at least call for back up!”
“I had everything under control,” Tya replied, not in the mood for a scolding. She wanted to go home and relax after such a tiresome day.
“You call this under control?” Jani gestured to the museum, which was currently in flames. Firemen were trying to douse them with water hoses.
“I may have ran into some trouble, but I handled it. I even got the stolen jewels back.”
“It’s dangerous handling things like this alone! You could’ve been killed!”
“Well, I’m standing right here, aren’t I?”
Jani let out an enraged cry. “I’m starting to see why Agent Tutt didn’t want you for a partner any longer.”
Tya rolled her eyes. “I don’t have time for this. I’m tired, and I’m ready to go home.“ She turned and started walking to her car parked a few blocks down the road.
Jani followed her. “What is wrong with you? Why do you insist on doing things solo?”
“Because I work better that way. You’ll just get in my way when I can get things done much faster on my own.”
“You know what Detective Harver’s going to say.”
“That’s why I’m leaving before he gets here--” Tya stopped. A black SUV had just pulled up across the street from her car. Tya sighed heavily. Too late.
Detective Amos Harver got out of his SUV and by the way he slammed the door, Tya knew she was in trouble. Her boss was a middle-aged black man with a bald head, rough face, and round stomach. He always had a trimmed moustache and wore clean suits. Tya thought he had a certain vexation towards her, but maybe that was partly her own fault.
Tya turned to her car, pretending she hadn’t seen him. Before she could open the door, Harver said, “Kimball, I would like a word with you.” He always called agents by their last name.
Tya grimaced, then turned to her boss with a smile on her face. “Good evening, Detective. How are you?”
Harver scowled. “Don’t ‘good evening, Detective’ me. What in God’s name did you do?”
“Well, I took out the criminals who were wanted for that major jewelry heist from yesterday, I retrieved the stolen jewels, and I escaped from an explosion with my life.”
“Don’t smart mouth me, Kimball. You realize how much damage you’ve caused?”
Tya frowned and thought, Oh, sure, nevermind that I stopped a serious crime and survived deadly assassins who’d set a museum to explode. “Thanks for your concern about my well being,” she replied sarcastically.
“You were supposed to call for back up, or at least radio Chambers,” Harver said, motioning towards Jani who stood nearby. “Maybe a team could’ve went in to disarm the bomb. But no. You caused a disaster that will cost the government millions just because you were too busy showboating!”
“I wasn’t showing off! I was stopping a crime. I work better alone!”
“See, that’s your problem, Kimball. You’re so wrapped up in your damn arrogance that you don’t see the importance of partnership. Everyone needs someone to watch their back, because you never know what you’ll get yourself into on your own.”
“As long as I stopped a crime, I don’t see why anything else matters.”
Harver closed his eyes in irritation. “Are you trying to get yourself fired?”
Tya smirked. “You’re not going to do that. The department needs me. I’m your number one agent.” Harver always threatened to fire her, but he never did and didn’t want to.
“Maybe, but what I am going to do is suspend you to paperwork till further notice.”
“Are you kidding?”
“Does it look like I am?”
Tya groaned. She liked action, not sitting at a desk all day staring at papers. She would go crazy.
“Now excuse me while I go clean up the mess you made,” Harver said. “I’ll see you at the office tomorrow morning.” He strode towards the destruction that had once been a museum.
Tya stuck up her middle finger behind the Detective’s back. Jani noticed.
“You’re the asshole,” Jani said. “You could save everyone the headache if you just did what you’re supposed to. Maybe now you know to call me next time. Enjoy pushing papers around.” Jani grinned and walked off to her own car.
Tya glowered at Jani’s back, then turned back to her own car, which was a blue Porsche convertible. She brought in the bucks with her job, and she usually loved being an FBI agent. But her suspension to paperwork had dispirited her good mood from the accomplishment of stopping the jewel thieves.
Tya got in her car and drove away, feeling very melancholy inside.
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Critique first
“She fired twice, and sparks flew as her shots hit the inside of the elevator, missing her target.” This woman is a pretty good shot as indicated by her defeat of the henchmen with AKs , but here she’s fallen into the stormtropper affect. Perhaps you should change it so that the doors are closing just as she reaches him.
Also I have a hard time envisioning dialogue with 3 people pointing guns at each other. The conversation with the mexicans would be more believable during a lull in the gunfight. Perhaps while the three were playing tactics while moving between cover spots. That would also stretch out the fight a bit more.
Now the good part
The choreography of your action scenes is superb. I heard every shattering vase and bullet ricochet in your writing. You even included the “Outrun the fire ball” moment with her jumping just as the whole building explodes. Great job giving a huge scale to your action. This should be made into a movie.
Tya’s character is exactly what a heroine should be. A good story must always have a good main and Tya’s grit and cheekiness are amusing and entertaining to read. And doesn’t let the reader forgot to not take this action blockbuster too seriously, which is a trap a lot of action stories fall into, trying to be too serious.
I see this story taking a “bad guy of the week” approach and being a bit episodic in nature. Another plus for this entertaining story. I AM VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO READING MORE!
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I think you did a fantastic job for a first draft. The tension and suspense was just enought to keep my attention, although there were a few points where it dragged a little. I’d take everything out about her department and partner problems and save that for her to be thinking about while she’s doing the paperwork she so despises. That would be a kind of “denouement” I think it’s called (a part where the action slows down or a period of explanation).
Do you like the name Tya? It’s OK but maybe you could think of something a bit more dramatic, with a nickname.
Watch out for charicitures like the chief. I’m thinking of all the other similar books and tended to characterize. Make one of the characters an old hippie (like me), or an old lady or a Japanese expatriate. Maybe he was a gangster (Yakuza) in Japan and had to get out and switched sides.
Once again, great story. Can’t wait to read more. In fact, I’m going to add this to my list of favorite stories and I do a lot of reviews (something like 120 with a 97.5% approval rating).
So let me know what you think and keep writing. All you need is love, John T.
First things first: What does setting a bomb mean for the suspects not getting to far? Yes, SOMEONE might be trailing behind the others, but it’d be only one person, not several. I suggest that you either add to that line or edit it. Slight info-dumping on the second page with “She thought they went perfectly with her cinammon-colored skin, nicely rounded body, full lips, and brown eyes.”
Page 2
She NEVER has to comb or brush her hair? Is this in a literal sense? Like when she hops out of the shower and it gets all tangled, she still never brushes it?
Combing and brushing mean the same thing, you’re reiterating yourself there.
“Tya felt she was in a labyrinth. She just hoped she would be able to overcome whatever beast lay within it.”-This was a very good line. You’re saying that the beast is the suspects and the museum is a labrynth. Good job there.
“With what information the police gave…”-Isn’t she the police…?
Page 3
The dialouge seems a bit off on this part, and I don’t think three Mexicans, let alone humans would think that a woman with a gun and badge would be no match for them.
Page 4
Nothing really to note here.
-—---—---—---—---—-—
I can only do so much right now because I’m in school at the moment and it’s almost time to get out, but with what I’ve read, you need some polishing to do. All writers do, of course. No writing is ever perfect. Remember that. But keep up with the good work!
Initial fixes that I see just by a glance, avoid starting sentences with teh same words when possible. I see throughout the paragraphs the words Tya and The beginning sentences over and over again. Repetition detracts from your story.
I don’t know a lot about guns BUT I think you put .9 mm instead of just 9.
The suspect appeared from behind the AC unit, where he’d been hidden, waiting till he could jump out and attack her.
I have a slight problem with this sentence. It adds a certain amount of motive knowledge on the part of the suspect when prior to this i felt more like it was Tya’s head we were in. I would maybe remove just the part which leads us to the understanding of his motivations.
She pushed him against the AC unit. Then she brought her knee into his groin.
Some of the sentences are a little weak, this one being an example. If you simply combine two of the more simplistic sentences into one long, complex one would work much better.
Ambulances, fire trucks, and the L.A.P.D. arrived on the scene in that order.
You need a comma after scene
Tya glowered at Jani’s back, then turned back to her own car, which was a blue Porsche convertible
I’d remove the “which was”, It just makes it more wordy than you need it to be
I think you formed an action packed story that sets up a timetable for the reader to feel the panic within as each minute ticks down. Few simple areas that need to be worked on but no big deal. Very interesting story you’ve made! I love a female heroine.
“A spurt of blood and guts exploded from his stomach as the bullet went out the other side” That part was intense!
I love your description:
Example: “The walls of this hallway were covered in abstract paintings from the nineteenth century”
Keep it up! I’d read more!
I think this is an ok draft, and a good introduction to your (presumably) main character. What it lacks at times is subtlety. With young adults as the intended audience, you have to spell a few more things out…but I think sometimes this piece takes that too far.
The biggest example is the portrayal of the gender issue.
“She hated when people always thought women weren’t capable of handling dangerous situations.”
That’s unnecessary to say; especially that directly. Strong female characters will feel this way by their very nature.
Why “male” and “female” instead of men and women?
Also, at the beginning, no need to include “actually, fourteen minutes and fifty-eight seconds.” That’s in your first line, and it would be a waste of the agent’s time to reflect on her two-second error anyway.
“Tya breathed a sigh of relief and tossed back the braids that had been thrown into her face.” I’m not a stickler for passive voice…sometimes I like a sentence better in passive…but here it just isn’t working. I would go with “her braids” or something else more simple.
“she thought they went perfectly with her cinnamon-colored skin, nicely rounded body, full lips, and brown eyes.” Do women usually describe themselves that way in their own minds? It seems a little tacky.
“holding her handgun, a 9mm, to her chest.” This is awkward, and I think even YA readers would understand “her 9 mm.”
“he asked in a strong accent.” what accent? A good agent could almost certainly identify which.
In the shootout, I found myself confronted with the word “behind” quite a lot. A rewrite of a few sentences here and there would keep the whole scene more fresh. I also think you overuse the term “suspect.” It doesn’t feel real to me that she would always think of her adversaries in those terms.
Finally, I find myself really bugged by one major feature of the story. I’m not so sure a “top agent” however cocky and independent, would use the rationale of “stopping a crime” while letting a museum explode. I know action stories are filled with collateral damage that just kind of gets swept under the rug, but it seems if she were really such an accomplished agent she would have worked to stop both crimes. It almost seemed as if she wanted the museum to go up. Yes, she was punished for it, but that piece of the puzzle just didn’t fit for me.
I hope my review was useful, and didn’t come across too negative. I generally liked what I read but felt it needed some cleanup.
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