Poetry / Life (Analysis)

Short, sweet, and to the point. This was well done without a doubt. Very well written.

I think the idea is there, and is a fairly decent point to be made.  However; poetically your meter is completely lost.  As it stands, your syllable count per line is:

10
10
11
7
10
12
11
12

This distracts greatly from the flow of the poem, leading to a destruction of the cohesive interpretation by the reader.  Personally (and aren’t we all individuals whom look for what WE want from literature?), I see some wordiness that can be eliminated to better structure the poem.  A symmetrical counter for line #4 in line #8 could match meter by simply stating:
“Teach, or hope you don’t get schooled!”

So overall, go with this idea for the poem, clean it up, by getting your meter in line, and publish the sucker….

~vato

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December 10, 2008

by intimate_le

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30	F	Santa Maria, CA	October 12

thank you, I really wasn’t paying much attention to the meter to be truthfuly honest I don’t know what that means.  But I write from a tune in my head and I sounded on point to me, So thank you very much I will look in to the meter thing. So that I can better educate my self

December 10, 2008

by Vato

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38	M	Rockwell, NC	December 16

Morning!  Meter is simply the number of syllables per line, and the manner their repeated.  I love that you’re going based on melody.  Being a musician myself, I respect that.  Not inferring that you’re trying to make a hit song of this, just sharing that the players in the music industry won’t even consider producing a song with errant meter because they feel the material can’t be memorized my the general listener in 3 listens if the meter is garbled.  I often have thought… “What do they know”.  That I’m writing at almost six in the morning instead of sleeping off last night’s performance means I’m the silly one.

Have fun, though.  I’ll always consider melody to be personal.  I went back and read this again, and still enjoyed it!

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It really seems like this poem could be put in a book. You’ve got some talent there. I love how its simple, yet it provokes thought. In the last line you’er should be you’re. You should also have a period at the end of the fouth line.

Hi, thanks for sharing. I thought the last line was especially amusing. It rang true also. My suggestion for you would be to play around more with showing and not just telling. When you have such a broad subject, such as life, you can run into generalities. Trying being more specific about your life. Use descriptions and imagery so your reader can relate to the poem. I hope this was helpful.

Keep writing.

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December 30, 2008

by intimate_le

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30	F	Santa Maria, CA	October 12

Thank you.

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