Great comments, all. I do tend to do a lot of internalizing because my dialogue skills are still developing, and I think in this case it is a bit much. You also caught some simple mistakes that no one else has yet. Thanks!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Legacy of the Shann'Ri, Prologue
The twin shuttles danced majestically, never with the slightest loss of grace, and often within mere meters of catastrophic collision. Their hulls, painted in a striking swirl pattern of the traditional Advancement Day blue and orange, shone like polished gemstones with greater luster than nature can effect. The smooth, teardrop shape served also to draw the eye; the colors melted into one another yet retained a sharp contrast.
Inside the lead shuttle, distinguished only by the slightly higher aptitude rating of its pilot, sat a massive form. His sharp and hard-set jaw lent him an air of complete confidence; he appeared the most unflappable man alive. His chair, designed in exact contour with his bulging muscles, was bolted down within an arm’s reach of every system’s interface. He and his counterpart were as perfectly designed for piloting as their shuttles were for atmospheric maneuvering. Products of nuanced genetic engineering once thought impossible, they were truly born to fly.
As he pulled his shuttle alongside his counterpart’s, Maj’s communications panel chirped to life. Fehral’s face showed as much confidence as his own, but hers was an excited confidence. She appeared ready to burst with energy, and without a second’s pause she began her report. “Approaching Commencement site, heading four-six-nine mark eight, arrival time twelve minutes fourteen seconds. The schedule is held.”
“Confirmed,” was the blunt and formal reply. Maj reached to shut off communications, but paused reluctantly when he saw that Fehral’s face remained on-screen with a look of anticipation. Realizing that she would not rest without saying her piece, Maj repressed a sigh and asked simply, “There’s something else then?”
“Yes, sir,” she said, “I can’t help thinking what an honor it is to be selected to fly today, and I…”
“Our genetic profiles selected us for this mission,” Maj interrupted. “Our experiences have reinforced those genes. We are simply the best suited to pilot these shuttles in these conditions and thus we are the only ones who could be chosen. There is no other…”
Unshaken by his frank dismissal, Fehral continued. “I realize that, sir, but that in itself is an honor, regardless of your dogmatic recitation.” The only answer this time was a half-dismissive, half-acquiescent grunt, but still she pressed on. Her high aptitude rating in persuasive speaking was no fluke, and she deftly waited for the exact right moment to proceed. “I’ve worked out a maneuver to add to the program that will leave the crowd speechless, and quite possibly gain us a few aptitude points in piloting in the process.”
Maj’s intense desire for personal betterment and his deep respect for the aptitude rating system gave him pause at such a declaration. He finally spoke again as his ears visibly twitched. “What kind of maneuver?” The skepticism in his voice even now was obvious, but Fehral smiled inwardly. She knew she had won.
“I’m uploading the specs to your navigational console now. I think it will be to your liking; this is the kind of precise flying that only you can pull off.” The look on Maj’s face as he checked his console, shifting from astonishment to a maniacal grin was worth every ounce of Fehral’s planning effort. Her smile was no longer inward.
***
The crowd overflowing the Commencement site at the city square was remarkable. Of course, crowds were always so on Advancement day in the capital city of Shanna, but this cycle’s was unprecedented. Men, women, children, and even a few tong’stai littered the streets for kilometers in all directions from the central podium. The podium sat on a raised, open-air stage; it was the dominant feature of the square. A speaker here could not fail to command apt attention, and not only because of the genetic profile required to draw the assignment. Small fountains erupted at each corner of the stage, and two large buildings rose at its back with a colossal holographic screen suspended between them. Small gardens ringed the fountains, and thin rectangular pools connected each, forming the borders of the impressive stage. The rest of the square, like most of the city, consisted of utilitarian buildings. Those lucky enough to live or have family in the nearest residential buildings hung eagerly from windows, ears perked in anticipation of the annual honorific speech that was to come. This cycle’s chosen speaker was a man who had become legend in a single great step just a year before. An excited murmur filled the air; all were aware of the special significance held in this cycle’s observance.
All murmurs ceased when the first words were spoken, delivered from the podium by a balding, elderly man with a measured voice and a pleasant smile. “Ladies and gentlemen, gathered as tradition holds on this historic day, I bid you welcome.” Those words had not changed at any time in the memories of those assembled, perhaps not since their first use, but scarcely a pair of ears lost focus on the speaker.
“That commencement is always gentle to the ear, is it not? This cycle it heralds something quite special. PNW has worked diligently with the scientific community to produce a treat…and preserve today’s surprise.” An electric buzz of excitement filled the streets. Whispers from all directions rose in volume as nameless faces competed with their neighbors to make the cleverest remark. With a chuckle, the speaker summoned all his skills to the task of preventing wild speculation from overwhelming the event. “Your anticipation is more than understandable, but your questions will all be answered by this afternoon’s guest of honor. You are all aware of the recent string of advances in genetic technology, capped by the most astounding yet. Today we will be blessed with an announcement regarding that discovery by the very man who made it.”
After a brief pause for applause, the gentleman continued, “I am honored to speak to you today. I was shocked when told that I was to introduce one of the greatest men our race has ever seen.” After an extended pause for more cheers, the deft orator made an upward gesture with his left hand, framing his strong chin. “My face may be more familiar to many of you than his, but I assure you that before today I have not so much as glimpsed a man of his caliber. As the Chief Relator on Shanna Planetary NewsWave, I am no stranger to speaking for large audiences, but I am uncharacteristically nervous at such a defining moment for our people.” These last sentences were stretched over several minutes. The roars of approval and excitement from the crowd made him wait after every few words. “And now, before you tire of seeing the old and familiar, I have the privilege of ushering in the man all of you are waiting for, possibly the greatest mind of our time, Rahj Trom’tael!”
No one heard the last syllable, though, as the great scientist appeared on stage to a roar of cheers and applause that reverberated through the entire city. Many other cities welcomed his holographic likeness in similar fashion. Nearly the entire system’s population was tuned in. Had the Shann’Ri ever had much desire for expansion beyond the realm of their life-giving sun, this ceremony would likely have grown outward as well. No one missed Advancement Day, especially in a year like this.
***
Joran Intrell kept a close watch on his daughter in the massive crowd in Shanna City. She was coming of age – or, Joran was forced to admit, she already had. That did not mean that he had to like it. Or accept it. Yet. With a sigh, Joran began thinking of his beloved Tramel at that age, of when they would sneak off during a peaceful night and-No! He would not allow himself to pursue that particular line of thought any further. Besides, his mind needed to be focused on the Advancement Day speech, and that was that. He scolded himself for allowing his thoughts to wander so. Mental control was the way of a true scientist; erratic thoughts were distracting to the analytical mind. Wasn’t this why he was constantly stumbling through his work, despite the brilliance others credited him? Without control, he knew, he would never realize the potential for discovery and innovation within him. He would excuse himself the lapse for now, given the circumstances, but he would focus on redoubling his meditative efforts in the coming weeks. He didn’t think he had missed more than a minute or so - and besides, the real meat of these speeches was never the beginning.
“Certainly I am not deserving of such a welcome,” began the young man now occupying the podium. With a wave of his hand, the audience was his. As the cheers continued, the wave became a calming gesture, imploring restraint. He was not a physically imposing man, nor was his face that of a charismatic leader, but his unspoken request had the desired effect. His recent discovery gave him all the gravitas needed to overcome a plain appearance. He was legend now as much as man, and history would record his presence as larger than life. He continued. “Last year’s discovery could have been made by any geneticist in any lab across the system. I am thrilled to be the one lucky enough to detect it, but this day is not about me.”
At this grand pause, not a muscle in the crowd twitched, not an eye blinked. One could all but taste the anticipation; it hung in the air like so much pollen. Even the wind seemed to be waiting for the next words. The world was silent; the crowd kindling waiting for a spark. “Today is about the march toward perfection for our people!” With that declaration, the assembled masses ignited into a deafening cacophony. The speaker took this opportunity to straighten his dark hair and sip a bit of water from his bottle on the podium. He knew he would have an eternity to prepare for what he was to say next. When finally the cheers subsided to a dull buzz, he continued, “Advancement Day commemorates our people’s every scientific achievement. From our first space flight to the installation of the aptitude rating system, Advancement Day represents a tradition of excellence, the chronicle of the wondrous steps we Shann’Ri have taken over millennia. When we consider the opportunity presented to us by this most recent discovery and subsequent research, we must not lose sight of our great moments in history. How does a mere gene manipulation compare to such milestones as I have named, or with the advent of genetic engineering itself? Or the establishment of the first colony on our satellite of Mintar?”
After allowing his system-wide audience time to ponder this, he began once more, “I have been hailed as one of the greatest scientific minds of our time, in large part due to the paucity of major advancements for the past several years. I am here to suggest that this is not a sign of my genius, but rather of the excellence of our society. As we draw nearer to the perfection we seek, the number of discoveries that can be made dwindles. Why, then, have advancements become so infrequent?” This was the grandest pause of all, and Rahj was nearly giddy with the prospect of now sharing his conclusion with the rest of his people. “…because now perfection is almost within our very grasp!” A cheer surpassing even the last arose, followed by a fevered, elated chant of “Trom’tael! Trom’tael!”
Joran knew he should be listening to his colleague, but he simply was unable to stop worrying about his daughter. Ishara had been spending a lot of time around his assistant, Krell, and she had very little experience with males. What if Krell decided – but Ishara is old enough to make her own decisions, and Krell is trustworthy and a good man. What was he worrying about? He should be happy Ishara’s interest was in a trusted friend and not some fool from the city whose only aptitude points were in machine operating. He was suddenly startled out of his reverie by less a noise than a lack of it. He gathered his senses just in time to hear “Today is about the march toward perfection for our people!” followed by the loudest noise he had ever heard.
“Wonderful,” he thought to himself, “another speech about how perfect we are. I thought Rahj of all people would understand the flaw of that belief.” The belief in the innate perfection of the Shann’Ri was widespread and held with religious fervor. Mitsari Boraile was hailed as almost a goddess for her groundbreaking genetic research. Joran was among a small percentage who thought the ShannRi’s eventual rise to perfection was neither on the immediate horizon nor assured in general. “There are always heights to climb,” was his own secret credo, though he never dared voice such a notion publicly. Today, he had expected his friend Rahj to challenge everything society taught. Instead, the scientist Trom’tael had spit out this dogma on perfection. How dare he belittle the greatest discovery in half a century? This gene isolation technique could potentially lengthen the lives of every child born by up to twenty years, not to mention strengthen the mental control with which men and women like himself so often struggled. Joran was proud of the assistance he had offered, but he was hearing his dreams of a more enlightened populous torn to bits by the one person he thought had shared them.
This discovery was not proof of the ShannRi’s perfection-quite the contrary. It was proof that there was still a long way to go. Without Rahj to back up his theory, Joran knew he was sunk. How could people, least of all such a great mind as Rahj, be so blind? Why would Rahj suddenly decide to follow the narrow-minded teachings of misguided zealots? Joran felt his hopes tumbling from the vision of a world he had dared to long for.
The Chief Relator returned to the stage as Trom’tael stepped aside. Although the cheers were not for him, the C.R. was in his element. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he bellowed in that familiar voice, “today’s celebration is now to begin in grand fashion. Now I’ll turn the spotlight over to Shuttle Escort Team Alpha.” Excited murmurs broke out across the crowd. This was the Shann’Ri’s most elite piloting corps.
Suddenly two bright spots appeared on the horizon. The shuttles moved with such speed that by the time the crowd recognized them for what they were they had already stopped to hover above the stage. Seconds later, both shuttles shot straight up, then began spiraling around one another, creating a surprisingly beautiful pattern of blue and orange. At the peak of their ascent, both shuttles stopped at the same instant. One shuttle performed a barrel roll, then stopped under the second, stationary shuttle, belly to belly. The top shuttle began a crawling descent—lowering, lowering until the hulls touched, one bottom flat against the other. Together they now formed one seamless, symmetric shuttle, perfectly aligned. The top half of that new entity went dark. The upper shuttle rested, devoid of all power, on the lower. The bottom shuttle rocketed forward, leaving its twin to plummet helplessly toward the stage. Lights came on, engines whined, but the shuttle continued its descent. After seconds that seemed like hours, it jolted to a stop a scant three meters above the speakers now flanking the podium. Meanwhile, across the square, the second shuttle had adjusted to an equal height. Facing nose-to-nose, the shuttles began inching forward. With increasing speed, they screamed toward one another with apparently lethal intent. Instants before collision, both shuttles pulled up, now at right angles to their previous madman’s trajectories. Before they could peel away, however, the hulls grazed almost imperceptibly.
One of the shuttles began to spark. Unable to complete its loop, it began a second fall toward the crowd. This time, however, all pretense of control was lost. In a last-ditch effort to salvage its flight, the wayward shuttle veered upward, its aft section swinging around and sweeping aside several suddenly broken bodies. Its course correction took it directly into the path of the second shuttle. No amount of piloting skill could avert disaster now, and the shuttles collided, sending up a blazing flare of light and scattering shards of white-hot metal into the crowd. Screams of horror echoed across the square and through the city, the panic blinding most to perhaps the most horrific sight.
Amid the panic and confusion, Joran had to fight to keep from smiling to himself. It wasn’t that this tragedy didn’t sadden him, but he knew that this could be his chance to help enlighten his people. He didn’t need obscure and difficult to phrase theories. All the proof he needed lay in the scrap of two blue and orange shuttles. Now, with Rahj’s support, he could finally make his contribution to the world. Certainly Rahj was only telling the people what they wanted to hear and didn’t believe this foolishness himself. Joran hated that he had doubted his friend, now secure in his belief that Rahj was doing only what he was made to do. Making his way to the stage to share his thoughts on what great things could be salvaged from this tragedy, Joran swelled with renewed hope for the Shann’Ri. Once he reached the stage, however, that hope died. What he saw before him was something he couldn’t fathom, a development that would render him unable to continue his work, even his normal life for some time. On the stage, decapitated by a knifelike piece of hull metal, lay the gory remains of Rahj Trom’tael.
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CSNS reviewed Version 1 -
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chrisrose331 reviewed Version 1 -
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this is the longest prologue I have ever read
generally prologues should be a teaser to what has or will happen.
you should consider making this the first chapter instead.
A rewrite would do well too, it reads kind of like an after thought. something you whipped up after you wrote the story.
besides that It does sound very intriguing, I definitely want to read the rest.
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MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 -
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You’ve pulled me into this new and different world without confusing or overwhelming me. The primary characters could use a little more fleshing out, the secondary characters appropriately do their job, then leave without much commotion.
Your skill and talent is evident and the premise is great.
But – (there’s always a but…)
There is an awful lot of internalizing by Joran, seemingly in order to get some backstory out – is all that necessary now, in the prologue? As a prologue, this is drawn out, over-informative, and, with exceptions at the beginning and end, documentary-ish. (I’m getting tired of seeing the phrase “show, don’t tell” and refuse to use it!) I feel this tries to explain too much – answer questions not asked yet.
the colors melted into one another yet retained a sharp contrast. – sorry, I just can’t grasp the picture.
this cycle’s was unprecedented- is a little awkward. We don’t have a frame of reference yet for the use of “cycle’s”
command apt attention – rapt?
race has ever seen – ever known? ”seen” is kind of a shallow reference; “known” is more intimate.
speaking for large audiences – or TO large audiences? To speak “for” them means he is their spokesman, like PR guy? If that’s what he is, then my mistake, but the context led me to believe the former.
had much desire for – desired
elite piloting corps – or elite pilot corps?
He didn’t need obscure and difficult to phrase theories – kind of awkward sentence, hyphenating might help? See how others read it.
lightningeyes reviewed Version 1 -
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No one heard the last syllable, though, as the great scientist…” you do not need “though”
Overall you did a fantastic job with this. Your descriptions are well written, you build the excitement wonderfully so that even though I knew the two shuttles were going to collide, I had to read it anyways.
Unfortunately, that is where you lost the story magic. Your great descriptions that were found in the beginning, gave way to generic lines (such as: “lay the gory remains of Rahj Trom’tael.” and “Amid the panic and confusion”)
I wanted to “see” the horror unfold, people running screaming, trampling each other in an effort to get out. So when you go back, flesh out the crash scene a bit. Don’t sell your action short.
Also, when you write this, play around with formatting to distinguish the jumps in Point of View. Right now they kind of mush together (especially when you introduce Joran.)
Good piece!
Geoser08 reviewed Version 1 -
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i think its amazing it can be better .. but overall youve got talent..
abweicher_ian reviewed Version 1 -
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Good. You have either experience in writing or are a very well-read person. Words I’d change: apt, gravitas, reverie. They seem like thesaurus words.
A phrase I’d change: almost as a goddess … take out the vagueness and make, “as a goddess”. A metaphor is a metaphor, dont make it into something that could be something.
You have a knack for keeping the story moving. A great start to an intertwined book. I’d read it and I’m not really a sci fi fan.
Vivivd9 reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent! The vision of what it would be like for another species and their first forays into space is new and very captivating!
Keep it up!
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this prologue. It was engaging and would’ve made me read the next chapter, if I hadn’t already.
but Ishara is old enough to make her own decisions, and Krell is trustworthy and a good man. – this part is in present tense while everything else around it is in past. Maybe if this was a thought in italics it would sound better.
You do a very good job writing science-fiction. I hope to see more.
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