Action Adventure / The Eruption- Chapter 1

This is really interesting. It has an interesting plot developing. It kinda reminds me of the volcano movie. Well i’m sure you don’t want to hear me talking about this.
The part about her thinking the school shouls blow up was funny. God knows I’ve thought that a lot, I think everyone has.
I don’t like those parenthesis. I never have in any books. If you want I would take em out. My opinion, you don’t have to.
This is my opinion also. I think you should change their grades and ages to a higher level. Like Freshmen or 8th Graders. I think it would be a little more enjoyable. I mean you could do a lot more stuff with it.
Your grammer work is good. I didn’t spot any errors.
Overall great job. I hope to read more from you.

“You were late” said Grace. Chantelle smiled once again. “I know”--- it should be punctuated;
Before we begin, I think that it is fair to mention that I am a published writer in magazines, newspapers, books and several web-sites. I am, however, not perfect and rely on an editor for honing my own work. Please take my critique in the spirit as it is given, and with a grain of salt!

“You were late,” said Grace.
Chantelle smiled once again, “I know.”

“I want it to blow up” said Oceane. “Me too,” said Grace.--- and this one;

“I want it to blow up,” said Oceane.
“Me too,” said Grace.

Over all I found it readable. I am reminded of my days in Jr. High. I have gone back to school and find many of the same anxieties that I had when I was in H/S. Now that I have a semester behind me, I’m not so anxious.

Keep working at it, OK?

Groundscore

• Chantelle smiled again as the sat down. – typo “the”

• Grace’s answer was proved right when Chantelle called her hair “ugly”. – I don’t get this; when did she call her “ugly”?  I don’t think this is needed right here. Just go with she hated her or explain it more. Give a little more inside story.

• Instead of capitalizing for inflection try using italics instead.  The capitalzing makes it read unpleasant.

• It’s time is up by years although no activity has been discovered.” – “Its” not “it’s”.  Also, I’d reword it; it sounds clumsy.  ...has been “something else”.

• A+’s – A plusses; spell it out, even so it’d be A+s.  I’d also just go with just As too.

  Your story is pretty good.  I like it.  It could use a little polish but overall it’s entertaining.  You did a good job.  There were very little problems that I could find.  So, far just watch you its and it’s and your possesives and all that.

Good job.

If you are 13 you’re a really good writer for that age. I won’t go over any of the grammar, spelling and punctuation since a good editor will catch that. The story is what’s important anyway; and a good action/adventure story needs tension to keep it going.

Do you know some authors spend hours writing their first sentence. Some stories are so revered that people still remember the first line word for word. Make your first sentence memorable. Also, start off with something exciting or action packed. For instance, there could be a car wreck just as Grace is opening her own car door; or, she herself is in a car wreck. You get the idea. But besides being actionable it must carry the story along. Everything that happens should either make the story move forward or have to do with the characters, setting, etc., that would add to the story (fleshing it out). Explain the story of how the person got busted for a short dress as that will relate it to the principal and strict rules, thus making it easier for the reader to relate. The less important the character the less time you would spend doing the fleshing out.

Tension is what drives the action. Why is whatever going on going on? What makes it adventurous? Danger? If so, who is against whom or who is after whom? Why? Once you know the answers to those questions (and other similar ones) then you can keep the tension moving right along with the story as “good and evil” (for instance) battle throughout the book.

You’ve got a good start on this first draft and I’m sure you’ll keep improving it as you go along. A good size for a chapter is usually about 10 pages of more if the book is more than 100,000 words (normal size for a book). Chapters change when something dramatic (or the setting) changes. I don’t know all the exact rules about writing but I have had about 500 magazine articles published and one book. So good luck and keep on writing and remember all you need is love. John T.

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December 24, 2008

by twilightalleternity

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14	F	Maunaloa, HI	January 02

Thanks so much!

January 01, 2009

by 77sunset

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58	M	Red Bluff, CA	February 26

You’re very welcome. Keep it up.

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I think every teenager wishes the school would blow up and all their problems would go away. To me it is what every teenager thinks of. I wouldnt say it is a real action adventure story. Its more a telling of what goes on in school through the mind of a few people. my favorite line was she felt like a zombie hypnotized.

Keep writing

I like the characters and their names in this story, but this beginning doesn’t seem captivating enough. It’s just about Grace going to school and having a normal day and discussing how much she hates a lot of things. I guess it’d get more interesting later, when it gets to the ‘eruption’ I suppose will occur. A first chapter is supposed to capture a reader’s attention though. There are some other things I’d like to point out:

you use the word ‘withought’ a lot. I’ve never heard of it.

Sometimes your characters are talking in the same paragraph (e.g. “You were late” said Grace. Chantelle smiled once again. “I know”). Characters should have their own paragraph so it won’t get confusing.

Chantelle shooke her head – you misspelled shook here.

There are also grammer problems, such as missing commas (e.g. Grace had A+’s in every class but no teacher favorited her) where a comma should come before but.

Don’t get discouraged, you have a great concept here. You’re an excellent writer. Work hard and you could shape this into a fabulous story. Good luck!

Well, first of all.  I don’t think you need to explain that Grace is her nickname.  Then (at the end of the first page), Oceane seems to be addressed as her friend twice in her opening line?

Benches (technically tables), requires some different punctuation if used the way you have here.  There also might be a more interesting/involved way to address that differentiation if need be done.  

I like your choice of names, I think that the main characters deserve more introduction that who is hating who, and who is liking who.

You might want to look through the punctuation:
“It’s supposed to erupt every 360 years[.]”
”’Me too[,]’ said Grace.”

I’m interested to see where you go between the social tension and the volcanic activity—you’ve begun to demonstrate a really remarkable tie-in.  I’m wondering what will happen next.  I’m begin to see where the action/adventure might come in, and I’m interested to find out what will happen to these characters in the next chapter.
: )   keep going!

Thanks for the good read!

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December 07, 2008

by twilightalleternity

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
14	F	Maunaloa, HI	January 02

Thank you!

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