you hum
Last night was one of those times when the tension in your body is so great as to become physically discomforting. you notice your hands; you hate them. The life in them blasting through the veins cannot be denied. It thunders along with the controlled fury of a freight train trapped in its course, raging against the bonds that constrain it… indignant and disrespectful in action. Yes, the blood in you jeers and ridicules so that the fingers become super-heated with the friction of it’s passage. The itch to move, the itch that shrieks of release in the form of creation perhaps, but more desirably in destruction, manifests itself in your palms. It is interpreted in images of a tattoo needle gouging into the flesh, a single drop of liquid from a plasma torch splashing against the skin there. The need to flex your hands is plausible and severe, yet you do not grant your body that liberation. Instead you savor the suffering that your denial brings.
The cold and the cigarette smoke combine to singe your throat. Both fill your lungs with contempt and spreads through each capillary in your chest with the immediate impact of a star. One that is in the absolute detonation of its dying moment – obliterating, beautiful, and final. It occurs to you, as you watch this death, that just as the body of that blazing anger collapses in upon itself, so too do you feel derision crushing into your own conscious core. Self-perception acknowledges that you should feel the waves of heat flowing from that ridicule. Instead it is like a cold bar on a xylophone in the milliseconds after being struck. That it vibrates, shattering sound into the air simply must be true, but there exists no visible proof of its mad furor. The want, to give voice to this glorious repulsion stains and repulses the mind. Instead you exhilarate in the smothering misery your refrain brings.
The image seen from some reflective surface shows composure and tranquility. Yet, your body shudders with venial intensity. you confess internally, that if this feeling were to be expressed sexually then your passion would be represented as physical violence. It would be an act of paying homage to a lover by taking them in the most selfish, and vindictive manner. The encounter would be a means of condemning the deity of that woman, in reverent worship of her holiness. you wonder if anywhere in existence there may be a woman whom, is not only worthy of such degradation, but welcomes it, aware of its ramifications, and its noble import. The need to express this urge dominates and pulsates in every passable manner. Instead, you glory in the mounting quantification your refusal brings.
The presence of others in your conscious sphere propagates a disturbing hatred. Their vanity fills you with vehemence; their sordid thoughts poison yours. In their glances, you see not an attempt from them to look upon you, only their insipid and begging requests to be the purpose of your vision. Their words are not given as to an equal; they are uttered as if in supplication for recognition. The actions they execute are false, and petty – they perform to be seen as being in motion for the sake of being acknowledged. The want, to retire from life among people bursts into focus, its force like the pinpoint at a blade’s tip threading into flesh. You do not ignore it.
All of these thoughts have coalesced, and combined into a pure and isolated moment. They have brimmed and stewed to arrive at that time. All of these emotions have arisen, and commingled in this unadulterated, and solitary second.
you are fast, so very fast – yet somehow the man before you has gotten lucky enough that the long nail of his thumb scores across your chin as his blow slung past.
you hum; you thrill physically. The muscles in your chest glorify in the strain felt in the constriction of movement – announcing their existence. you break the nose of that motherfucker.
The next morning your bruised hand trembles in such a manner, that the ground coffee slides off the mound piled on the spoon. you cannot tell if the stains on your jeans are blood, and if it is yours or not.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
I love the emotional tone that you set, and how you describe the complexity of the character’s feelings. This piece is very artistic and it is hard to comment on much since much of it is personal preference. The one thing I wish you had done is allude more to the fact that the character is in a fight. I kept guessing as to why he was feeling the emotions. Overall it was a pleasure to read and I am glad your unapologetic for it.
First – the good bits.
I liked the tension in the story – the struggle, and the self-discipline – which keeps the reader guessing as to what the protagonist is struggling against.
You have a wide vocab.
Next – the bits you really need to take another look at.
Way, WAY too many adjectives. You completely lose the reader with such complex clauses as…”Inwardly though, your body shudders with venial intensity.”
And also, despite some very eloquent passages, the impact is lost with clumsy repetition like…”vile repulsion inside stains and repulses the mind”.
BTW – I marked you down on ‘be admired for” because I think you’re trying too hard.
In my opinion, if you went through this and cut at least a couple of words out of each sentence, you’d have a more dynamic, fast paced piece which reflects the subject matter much more closely. Also – the third last sentence (“In that moment…”) should be moved to the end – it’s a good closer.
This didn’t seem like a story till I read everything. I don’t know if our speaker is talking to a woman or was having some monologue within himself. Maybe give the woman more of a presence if he is talking to her? I think a few of his sentences could be short like a violent and unexpected outburst. I understand what happened the night before was yesterday but he’s probably still really angry enough to have purposefully dragging sentences or really short ones. With this work I feel you can break some of the rules of grammar because lets face it we’re not always articulate or rational when we’re angry, so the writing doesn’t have to be either. Of course that’s simply my opinion. Another thing you did well was your descriptions, I think they’re perfect or are very close to being so.
Overall, enjoyable and well done, some of it is confusing but really only the woman mentioned in the start.
To begin, I like your style probably becasue it is akin to my own: verbose with a creatively varied use of vocabulary and imagery, similie, metaphor and such.
It works well for this particular piece to successfully paint the picture of 1000 emotions and physical reactions that go into those milliseconds before delivering the blow to an ass in the bar, when really it is the flirtatous wench you would like to pummel.
POV – I am normally not a big fan of 2nd but it works here to trap the reader in the moment, to feel what narrator wants us to feel. I am not convinced the transition from 1st person to 2nd is a refined or clear as it could be.
‘tension in your body is so great ’ – a slip out of tense [is/was]
‘taut’ – such great word and one that could practically get you banned from URBIS with some readers…also in that line That/that – I think you could drop the first one and just begin with taut.
You have a lyricism to your writing – there is subtle alliteration throughout which I am a huge fan of. There are alot of hard ‘t’ sounds which helps to emphasize the spitting anger we are supposed to feel.
‘star in the detonation of its dying moment’ – this image feels contradictory and I am not sure why. Maybe it is the juxtaposition of impact/detonation/dying moment they are three distinct sequences in a chain reaction where you are using it more as a similie for an immediate feeling.
Alot of different metaphors are being used, all beautiful, and help to encapsulate the range of emotions: hot to cold, so to speak.
time/place/: where are we? one line says ‘cold’ which indicates outside while another says ‘shiny surfaces’ which pulled this reader inside.
‘passion would be physical violence’ – stick with the sexual metaphor and call the act what it is rape which is a more graphically detailed image.
‘be an act of paying homage’ – you could strike the [of] here.
Last 6 lines are among the best in the entire piece.
I like your style and look forward to reading more from you.
Very powerful language.
An early note: “plausible and severe.” Plausible seems like a strange word choice. Did you mean “palpable” or something similar?
“Both fill your lungs and spreads” Looks like a typo – drop the s in spreads.
You have an excellent vocabulary and a knack for freshness. I would disagree with anyone who called this too verbose; I think most of the words do important work, especially in terms of mood. It isn’t adverby.
Much improved. I do still find that last line a bit clunky, but…’tis yours.
Oh yes, far improved here. The new first sentence now serves to bring us straight into what follows in exactly the right mood.
You have removed the excesses, and it really is far more powerful for that.
Now I can identify with it.
A good job!
You’ve kept a few of the bits from the previous version that I suggested changing, so I won’t comment on them again – author’s choice. Others you’ve changed but with your own phrasing, they now work for me.
“somehow the man…past” Aside from hating “gotten”, this is clumsy. – > “somehow the man has (had) been lucky, as his blow slings past”
“You break the nose of that motherfucker.” Yes. But first, bring everything that preceded this into the climax. Add “In one glorious moment, you find the release you crave.” (Use your phrasing, but you get the idea).
And I still don’t like “and if it is yours or not”.
Well done, I want to hand out the cigars now.
Some strange apology. Unless I am missing something, it seems to be quite the opposite – glorying in what was done.
I find this ecessively verbose – just a matter of taste. However, just some suggestions for trimming/sharpening it.
“your body is so great as to become physically ” – > “your body is so great it becomes physically “
“with the controlled fury” – > “with all the controlled fury”
“raging against the bonds ” (Walls will be more appropriate here) – > “raging against the walls “
“so that the fingers…friction ” – > “such that the fingers become super-heated from the friction “
“against the skin there.” ‘there’ is redundant, making the sentence clumsy.
“Both fill your..of a star.” ‘Contempt’ and ‘star’ don’t sit well together here. -> “burning like a supa-nova”? Then deleting the “One that is in the absolute detonation of” as unecessary. -> “In its dying moment, obliterating, beautiful, and final.”
‘as you watch this death” wrong sensation – “as you feel this death”
“Instead… sound into the” – > “Instead,like a cold bar on a xylophone milliseconds after being struck, vibrating, shattering sound into the” (Delete ‘simple must be true’) “but there exists no visible proof of its mad furor” – > “existent but with no visible proof…”
The next section, from “The image seen from” to “quantification your refusal brings”, is way too verbose, too abstract.
It makes it heavy reading.
I understand what you are trying to express, but be wary of overlaboring it. Brevity in parts will make it far stronger, with more impact.
The following paragraph is handled so much better.
“you cannot tell if the stains on your jeans are blood, and if it is yours or not.” – > “Are the stains on your jeans blood? If so, is it yours?”
I gave you 8’s and 7’s, because there is a lot of this that works well regardless of the intended audience. Your language is excellent, and while my inner critic wants a few less adjectives to let the verbs and nouns stand more on their own, I cannot deny that the way in which you use them is effective. There are better grammar practicers on this site than I, and I will leave that part to them. I particularly liked that all of your imagery is physical or sensual. The only parts that struck me as off were the violent parts – the sword piercing flesh, and the nose breaking. For some reason I thought your word choice already made for such a visceral feeling that the actual statements of direct violence were less effective, and detracted from what I felt was the central feeling of the story.
”...so great that it becomes…”
The want, to give voice… you don’t need that comma.
you cannot tell if the stains on your jeans are blood, and if it is yours or not.
You cannot tell if the stains on your jeans are blood, or whether it’s your own or not.
it’s vs. its—if you can replace it’s/its with ‘it is’, you should use it’s. Its is possessive.
Read aloud. It will help you find the places where the flow is impeded by a few of the wordier phrases.
Sentences start with capital letters.
Overall, I think it’s well written and and could be a story…but I think you’d have to go further with the ending.
Showing 1 - 10 of 13
Next →
Ratings & Rankings| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |
Review item
Add to faves
