‘honey’ is a common theme in my work, so i’d like to keep it. I am confused by the word “most” that you think i should get ride of, because the word is not in the poem at all? did you mean ‘more’? because more is important, because it shows that we HAVE BEEN, in the past, waisted time.
Also, the form of the poem is different in my real version, giving more power to the words ‘honey’ and ‘revolution’ and ‘power of presence’.
thanks for the read and the review!
Poetry / Presence (Analysis)
The time has come
We gotta stay and fight
or get the hell out
The time has come
for revolution
or migration
perhaps isolation
perhaps rejuvenation
Something must be done
no more wasting of time
Revolution
the time has come
to start walking around
honey
with your head up instead of down
or get the hell out
The time has come
to make our voices
the echo of our strength
ring in their ears
like back when
revolution
was a common practice in these parts
The time has come
to bring back the power of presence
in hopes of turning this agitation
to action
or to be moving on
No more wasting of time
or our strong minds
when thought of revolution
are a common practice
nation wide
Now is the time
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cimak reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked this poem. it reminds me of some african poetry i have been reading lately. the only thing i dont like about it is that it seems two sided in the fact that your saying its time to revolt or get out. most poetry with revolutionary ideas are usually strong & one sided basically stating revolt without any other option
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Spriglief reviewed Version 1 -
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I visualize this being delivered to a mass audience, but the word “honey” kicked that prop out. I would replace it with comrade, or friend, or neighbor, or, you get the idea.
You have one weak word, “most” which adds nothing to the poem. Delete it.
I’m not a fan of playing with the formatting of poetry. I think it adds to little and comes off to me as a gimmick.
I think this is a great poem and would be better with these small changes.
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