Davey jerked awake and his gag reflex kicked immediately into overdrive. His teeth were clamping down on something hard and thick as he tried gasping for air, which only made him gag more. His hands tried to shoot out and grasp his throat but he couldn’t even move his arms. There was something heavy and cold wrapped around his whole upper body.
He appeared to be wearing a hood of some kind because he couldn’t see anything but tiny flecks of light that managed to barely pierce the cloth’s material. Shaking his head slightly to try to get it off he was surprised to find that it fell from his face.
Although the cloth gave him back his sight he found that his vision was blocked by a pink funnel that seemed to be stuck to his face. Because of the big, yellow drunken happy face sticker staring back at him he knew that it was the beer bong he kept in the trunk of his car, just in case a party came up out of nowhere.
The gagging sensation started to come back; instinctively he began flexing his throat in and out, at the same time pursing his lips around the tube trying to suck air through it. He found it took almost all his concentration to keep this up. But it worked; his breaths came in ragged, making him sound like a fat Darth Vader after running up a flight of stairs. He couldn’t let himself panic lest he started going into fits again.
Now, that he was calmer, he noticed a funny smell that made him think of burnt cloves. Shaking his head he tried to get back to the matter at hand. He had to find out where he was.
Since there wasn’t a lot that he could see with the funnel blocking his view he turned his head left and right trying his best to catch all he could with his peripherals. It didn’t even take him seconds to realize he was in his basement. The old-time fire engine red refrigerator to his left told him that much.
Next he tried to figure how well he was bound. Pushing his head forward and twisting his neck as best as the funnel allowed, Davey tried to look down. Even though there wasn’t much to see he ascertained that he was probably in one of the antique, wooden chairs his grandfather made half a century ago. They were strong and very heavy. Even though Davey knew they weren’t easy to break, let alone move he began jerking from left to right, while at the same time kicking and rocking trying to gain an upward, forward motion. Instead of budging even an inch he was rewarded with a sudden intense fatigue, which turned his body into putty.
He had hardly done anything and his body just gave. His shoulders slumped, followed by his neck, which caused his head to bob slightly. The gagging began again just as Davey’s eyes began to swim into darkness. His head jerked back up and found himself fighting to stay awake.
Giving up on trying to break free he tried to use his peripherals again to look around the basement. Even though there were fluorescent lamps lining the wall of the basement they weren’t turned on. The only light came from above him; simply a wire attached to a socket and a bulb, which only afforded him a small perimeter of light and he wasn’t even in the center of it. He was halfway into the darkness towards the backend of its radiance. The only things visible to him and only if he turned his head in certain ways was the fridge when he looked left, the top of the stairs leading to the kitchen when he craned his neck way up ahead of him, and then pitch blackness to his right; where the fluorescent lights were flushed with the ceiling. The other set of fluorescent lights behind him must have been off as well because his only shadow pooled around his feet.
Just as he turned his head back from the shadows to the right a tiny, zigzag of glowing orange shot out from down low to up high and suddenly blazed into a fiercer, brighter orange. The orange light bobbed slightly in the air as it chuckled before falling back down to where it came from. It hung there for a bit and then slipped back into darkness.
Keeping his neck twisted in that direction caused his throat and neck to constrict around the tube, testing his breathing even further but he couldn’t peel his eyes away. Of course he knew that the light itself wasn’t the one that found his situation humorous; someone was hiding in the shadows. As his panic kicked back in Davey made a big, wet breathing noise and started retching again. He managed to get himself back into check, at least outwardly; inside his heart was trying to break out of his chest.
The orange light appeared again this time making a vertical arc up and out and back in at the top before flaring again. This Davey realized was the source of the clove smell. It had to be clove cigarettes.
Seconds passed like they were burdened with carrying mountains before anything else happened. Then footsteps came from the darkness attached to a tall, bald lanky man with an overgrown beard that reminded Davey of that Russian guy, he forgot who, that he learned about in high school; the one that took forever to kill. The man stopped approaching just as he entered the light.
He was wearing a gray suit with large, buttons that looked like lion heads. The shirt he wore underneath his coat was a beautiful azure blue that might have been made of silk. That was all Davey could see of him and only because he was so tall.
The man smiled a big, wide grin that didn’t so much as spread across his face as cut it into two, and then he flicked his cigarette at Davey, which bounced off his temple back at the man’s feet.
“Hello, Davey” came out in an Eastern European accent. It was nice and calm, almost sounding velvety. “You don’t know who I am, no.” It wasn’t a question. “You and I, though” The man wagged his finger back and forth from him to Davey. “We know the same people. Very dangerous people, yes.” It still wasn’t a question.
Davey had no idea what the man was talking about but he couldn’t protest because of obvious reasons.
Then the man stopped talking, bringing his hands flatly together with a clap as if he was praying all of the sudden. Then the wicked smile came again. “Oh, Davey, how very rude of me? This must be uncomfortable for you, no?” The man shook his head. “Me, over here. You, right there. You have to turn this way and that, just to see me. Ah, I am so… How you say in English? Idiotic? A buffoon?” With the grace of smoke and mist the man moved in front of Davey.
Even though he was easier to see it did not make it any more pleasant. Up-close the man towered over him so much that even if Davey was standing the man would have at least seven inches on him.
The man crouched a little to but it was still far from eye level; the man had to look down every bit that Davey had to look up for their eyes to meet.
“Davey, as I was saying. We know the same people, very dangerous people. But they are not dangerous as I, Davey. I am…” The man bunched his fingers together at his lips and kissed the tips before flicking them open dramatically in the air. “I am danger, personified.”
The man stood to full height again and without another word walked around behind Davey. He felt even less comfortable with the man back there, where the tools were. He tried not to think about what the man needed back there. Desperately, but without trying to make it obvious Davey tried to escape again. His body still didn’t have the strength or stamina to try anything.
Davey heard something rustling behind him and he figured that the man was going through a bag. It must have been belonged to him, Davey didn’t own any. The man’s footsteps began again and he was standing in front of Davey before he even had the chance to see him walk past.
“Now, Davey, I came here to find information from you, information that my boss needs. But I’ve already got it. You have an address book that I guess is kept pretty updated, enough, at least, to suit my needs. I’ve already check, confirmed everything I need to know. You weren’t much help. Looks like I must use other means.
‘But to get to the point, Davey, I was going to torture you for the information. But now, I’m going to do it for fun.” He smiled. “Although torture might be a… I don’t know how to say… You’re going to wish it was torture.”
Like a magician the man swept his empty hands through the air and made two containers seemingly appear out of thin air; a tiny glass jar and a large blue bottle with a white child safety cap on it. With another swish of his hands the glass jar disappeared. The blue bottle was still at hand.
He was putting on a show for Davey and Davey didn’t like it. It scared the hell out of him. The man opened the blue bottle and let the white cap drop to the floor. He stepped closer to Davey and poured the contents of the bottle into the funnel. Davey could feel the liquid pool into his stomach, which gurgled and flopped.
The man smiled and showed Davey the contents of the bottle by putting it right up to his right eye. It took awhile for his eye to be able to adjust to seeing this way but he read clearly what the bottle contained: laxatives. Davey didn’t think that he could feel both scared for his life and bewildered but he did. He didn’t even pretend to try to guess what the man was doing to him.
Suddenly he couldn’t keep his head up; he his head sunk and his chin bobbed at his chest but with the tube down his throat reminded him that he couldn’t breathe.
“Don’t go sleeping on me, Davey. I don’t want to have to bring out the knives. But just in case.” The man said pulling out a syringe from his pocket. He pulled the syringe out like everyone else, no magic tricks this time. The man jabbed the syringe into Davey’s arm not delicately and pushed in the plunger. The spot where the needle entered his arm began to feel warm and spread through his veins almost instantly. Soon after Davey felt wide awake, a little too wide awake. Suddenly his heart began to pump furiously inside his chest. Also, everything around Davey seemed to begin to take a hyper real quality to it. Sounds were magnified and the few colors that Davey saw shone and practically sparkled.
The man snapped his fingers in the air and Davey amazingly found that he forgot that the man was even there. But now, even, though his memory was back he found that his fear hadn’t returned as well. He actually felt good, he felt like running a marathon. He tried again to fling himself from the chair but the man anticipated his move and gave Davey a left hook into his ear. And then another. Davey heard something crack in his head. Did he break my skull? Can someone hit someone that hard? I don’t feel it, I don’t feel anything.
The man snapped his fingers again. “Am I boring you, Davey? I don’t like being ignored. We need to start now, Davey. Is that alright with you?” Davey nodded or did the best he could with a tube down his throat. He didn’t even know why he nodded. He felt hypnotized. Whatever the man gave him was good. He was almost ready to go ahead and let this man do what he had to do; not that he had a choice otherwise.
The man threw the jar against the wall to Davey’s left as soon as it was emptied into the funnel and then stood up. Davey bent his head back and rolled his eyes a bit to get a better view of this man.
“Now, Davey I’m going to go and watch some television. I’ll be back in a few. Don’t you go anywhere; I want to see how this turns out.” With that the man turned and walked up the steps to the kitchen and took a left disappearing from Davey’s view. Davey just sat there and did what the man asked and waited. He didn’t try to fight it anymore; there was nothing he could do.
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“kicked immediately into overdrive” sounds cliché. Just say “kicked in.”
By the end of the first page I’m hooked and really want to turn the page. This is what you want in a prologue. Once I started turning the pages they were turned quickly.
You left out just enough detail. I would love to read your first chapter to see what happens and find out what was in the glass jar.
You have the suspense building. There were several points where I felt the character’s helplessness. I like the overall set-up that you have going on here.
There are a few places where I feel that you could cut some- for example, describing how tall your villian is. You repeated your description far too much. Also watch how many times you use the word “peripheals.” The point where you were discussing the lights, then the orange light could be condensed.
“he figured that the man was going through a bag. It must have been belonged to him, Davey didn’t own any.” This statement struck me as odd. He didn’t own any bag at all?? Or he didn’t have one on him when he was captured? I don’t think that would really pop into his head at that moment.
“He pulled the syringe out like everyone else, no magic tricks this time.” – Delete “like everyone else.” You don’t need it and it impairs readability.
The man jabbed the syringe into Davey’s arm “not delicately” - This phrasing is awkward.
The villian’s dialect is a little stereotyped. It depends on what you want the effect to be, but it is definitely overdone like a spoof of a James Bond movie.
Grammatically, you are missing some crucial commas after introductory phrases.
Overall, this is good. I like it. I defintely want to know what happens next!
Very clear and very precise to the point. Relatively small grammar issues aside, I had no problem reading it.
Now, the only thing really holding this back is its lack of tension that makes people read at the very edge of the chair rather than laid back. It needs more immersion into the story itself on the part of the reader.
Other than that, good job!
Good start here. Very intriguing. There’s a lot of confusion here, but not so much that the reader gets bored or frustrated, but certainly enough to keep him or her reading. I got through this story with relative ease. Smooth flow, and virtually no wordy sentences (a popular mistake people make these days). It certainly is unsettling, from start to finish. And I can imagine this is going to lead somewhere strange and most definitely crude. I’ll keep an eye out for later installments. Good job so far. Keep it up.
Here’s some technical stuff I found:
“He couldn’t let himself panic lest he started going into fits again.”
The word “lest” seems out of place here. It really stands out. I would lose it and attempt to rearrange the sentence a little instead.
” It didn’t even take him seconds to realize he was in his basement.”
This sentence would run a lot more smoothly if you said: “It took less than a few seconds to realize he was in his basement,” or something along those lines.
“Even though he was easier to see it did not make it any more pleasant”
It’s okay to use contractions. In this case, the text would more along more smoothly if it said “didn’t” instead of “did not.”
“You have an address book that I guess is kept pretty updated, enough, at least, to suit my needs.”
I know this is dialogue, but I would suggest saying “pretty well updated” or simply “I guess is updated pretty regularly” for the sake of clarity.
Shaking his head slightly to try to get it off he was surprised to find that it fell from his face.
get it off, he was surprised…
Although the cloth gave him back his sight he found that his vision
sight, he
Now, that he was calmer
Now that he was calmer
funnel blocking his view he turned his
view, he
The only things visible to him and only if he turned his head in certain ways was the fridge
him, and…ways,
About repetition when you can, towards the bottom of the fourth page you have two sentences in a row starting with “Then the”
the man had to look down every bit that Davey had to look up
This sentence is awkward to me, its the “every bit” part, I’d suggest changing it to something else, just that one word or phrase.
he figured that the man was going through a bag. It must have been belonged to him, Davey didn’t own any.
I’d suggest changing this a bit. It’s hard to buy that based on hearing what a man was going through to know that it’s a bag that it’s not possible to have in the house. I’d just reword it a bit.
This chapter or prologue is great as usual. I’m curious to see how this chapter interacts with the first chapter (And I’m still wondering what is up with all those spiders!!) Few comma errors but as usual, not a huge deal. Can’t wait to see more!
Good opening here. It has a spooky feel to it. The only thing I noticed was this:
The shirt he wore underneath his coat was a beautiful azure blue that might have been made of silk. That was all Davey could see of him and only because he was so tall.
The man smiled a big, wide grin that didn’t so much as spread across his face as cut it into two – here you say Davey couldn’t see anything but the man’s shirt, yet then you describe his big, wide grin.
Great job on the details. This prologue was engaging and made me want to know what happens to Davey next. Keep writing, you’re good at it!
when did he discover this cloth (in the beginning)? that struck me as coming from nowhere.
up and found himself—-up and he found himself
his right; where the—-comma or em dash instead of a semi-colon
check, confirmed—-checked, confirmed
-—-----
Ok, I’m in. Ready for the rest. (Though I have to admit I’m not getting much horror from this.)
It moves well, keeps our interests going.
I would have liked for the entire scene to have been finished, so I don’t view this as a character introduction, it has more action?
“white child safety cap on it” is intricate, as that could be a clue later, or is just simply as odd as the interrogator. You narrate both characters really well, still think there is room for more detail, your choice.
“fat Darth Vader running up the stairs” is funny, descriptive, but sounds like speech. Don’t hold back, there are plenty of creepy sounds like vaccuums, drills, jet engines? The sound could be anywhere.
“don’t want to have to bring out the knives” that is good. I’m torturing you, lets not get carried away, right? A scrupulous warning. I like how he was falling back asleep, he was drugged but this guy was wasting his time?
“seven inches on him” sounds like talking, you don’t need it.
Odd that this man would torture Davey for the thrill, yes? Davey seems like an average guy, wonder how he got caught up in all of this? Why was it his house?
”...why he nodded. He felt hypnotized.” real good, something to draw upon.
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