Wow, DragonQueen! You can spice up, brighten up, and make a wonderful review. I thank you so much. Hershey Kissies to ya.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Retraction Team (Irema Attack) Ch1.2b
The atmosphere exploded, a white ring circled their scout ships then disappeared when they separated six ways.
Commander Le-Yetal paced on the steel grating, boots clanking, heightening his nerves. With hands clasped behind his back, he frowned in deep thought. He had been instructed to present this aerial space show for Araidia, a semblance of their pride and strength. He would not have opted for this pompous display. With a margin of two hours to coral these slaves gave them little time before their ships, weapons and equipment would drain dry of energy and shut down. His Retraction Team would then be stranded without air to breathe.
They had arrived. They had to work deftly and without error. After the two-hour countdown, the second wave of scout ships and cargo barges would transport the shipment of slaves. They had a great advantage, though. Irema did not have defense weaponry powerful enough to ward off their attack, proving no need for stealth. At least, the air show had not crippled their mission--at least, not for now.
Crackling and static came from the main console of Scout One.
“Scout Three has engaged the Irema Dome complex.” A voice crackled over the audio. It was the ship’s third in command. “We’ve made a hit. They’re escaping from the collapsing structure.”
“Is everything going as planned?” Commander Le-Yetal, first in command of Scout One watched the view screen that circled 275 degrees around the hull of his ship.
“Yes, Commander. And we have a count of about ninety candidates.”
“Young, healthy?”
“Very.”
“Excellent. Capture the young and healthy Shatarians. Prepare them on the antigravity slabs for the cargo carrier. Leave behind the aged and sick Shatarians. We have no orders to bring them. Counting down, we have one sun hour and thirty-six minutes to round up these creatures for shipment.”
“Scout Four has fired on the village’s central population in Irema. We approximated a hundred specimen out of this group should be enough. But they’re pouring out from their homes and markets. We even located some in moving vehicles.”
Static.
“Sir, we are engaging and need support of Scout Five and Six. Too many to be captured. There’s hundreds of them.”
Commander Le-Yetal ordered the two other scout ships to assist.
The navigator turned to the commander. “Sir, I would suggest you harness in. We’ve apprehended a moving vehicle.”
“Navigator Ru, follow and separate the motorist from the vehicle. An extra Shatarian won’t hurt our count,” Commander Le-Yetal said. After he sat in the large gray command chair, he buckled in.
“We’ve experienced damage to the equalizer from the space aerial separation. I’m unable to maneuver the arms plasma flame thrower.”
“There’s no time for bickering. Pursue!”
Commander Le-Yetal knew what pursue meant. His eyes traveled to a woman, across the ship. Black, short hair that shined with hints of blue. Strong angular jaw and deep black eyes he drowned in every time he looked into them. No one captivated him like Ursalla, of the first strike team, specialist in ammo and defensive systems. A perfect pick for him to ogle. Her legs went on forever and her biceps were perfect for an Araidian female. He craved for Ursalla, for her challenging him, never allowing him to forget her strength.
Four extravehicular activity space suits hung along the ship’s hull, near the hatch.
“Pilot! Not too fast, we need to approach, observe, and capture this Shatarian. More could be in the ditches, homes, running out here like rodents.
“Do you see what I see, Pilot?” the commander asked. He swiveled his chair, addressing his pilot some yards away just above him in a turret. The pilot nodded, harnessed in a gyro-like seat, he could navigate the ship at any angle, never losing target.
The commander swiveled back to the front view. As the ship moved, so did the pilot. This brought efficiency in engaging shooting, flying in difficult directions and angles. The small Shatarian vehicle had no chance against an Araidian spaceship.
Fields of wheat and rows of corn passed. On the front screen an ancient motor vehicle sped down the dusty road. They followed behind it.
“Enhance view target of Shatarian within vehicle thirty percent.”
The commander smiled. An engaging sight to see a youth driving the vehicle. Reports, from their informants, of Shatarians and their culture mandated no youths to drive those things. No matter, he had the advantage in capturing the creature.
“Blast the road to stop this runaway. Gently, only a low blast, Spec. Ursalla.”
Her eyes glittered gold from emotion or apprehension, he didn’t know which. “Sir, there’s a leak in our system, it’s been compromised like Nav Ru said.”
“Do it. Don’t question me.”
“Yes, sir.”
She waved at the symbol of ballistics down to ten percent and waved again. It fired.
The vehicle’s rear flew up and came back down.
“Frock it! Hit the vehicle, side angle this time. Make sure he’s airborne. Hopefully, the throw won’t kill him.”
She did as commanded.
“Destroy the vehicle so there’ll be no escape. Land this thing. Now!”
• • • •
“It’s time to apprehend,” Commander Le-Yetal spoke into the mike within his helmet and tapped on Ursalla’s helmet after they debarked Scout One. They had donned the space EVS for protection against Reedpod poisoning and now stood in the peaceful rural area as dangerous as outer space.
“Just be careful out there, sir. Don’t want to have to save you, too” she said with a smile in her voice over the mike.
Any other commander over her would never have heard those words. But for his ears, they were an aphrodisiac. Consorting, mating for life, or show of affection was not an option for military life in Araidia’s elite team.
He couldn’t see Ursalla’s eyes through her helmet’s dark visors and the shape of her athletic and feminine body was lost beneath the space suit armor. That did not stop his blood to rise when her shoulder brushed against his arm.
“Check the small shack for any Shatarians. Keep me informed, specialist.” He gestured a two-finger signal for her in the direction of the shack. “Pilot Zere, do you hear me?” The pilot responded. The commander touched his helmet at his ear where the receiver was. “Keep this ship ready for flight. Counting one sun hour, fifteen minutes. Follow me, Nav Ru, we’ve got a Shatarian to catch.”
They fanned out into the field of corn going southwest. The trickiest part of this mission was staying cool in the suit. It was meant for sub-zero temperatures, but out here in moderate weather it caused discomfort. Neither did Commander Le-Yetal take lightly to being called back on duty without a day’s rest from the last mission. He and Ursalla had planned an exotic evening in his heating mist bath within his quarters. It wouldn’t have mattered if they were caught. They weren’t considered as long-term mates and exchanging fluids for release of tension was within regulations, especially off duty.
Crackling met his ears again. “Commander….” He recognized her voice, straining.
“Everything under control?”
“Sir, I’ve found something not Shatarian. It’s a child. Strong, too. Can’t…It’s got my stick! I’ve got it back. I’m coming out. May need you to get the anti-gravity slab if you want Pilot Zere to remain in the ship.”
“Acknowledged.”
More crackling in his ear, then a struggle.
“Frocking Reedpods are messing with our electronics. Let’s hurry and get this over with,” the commander said.
They returned to the clearing when an animal and a little girl dashed by them thirty feet away. The navigator felled the child and stunned her with the stick. The commander recognized the glittering light brown skin and eyes sparkling. An Araidian!
“Navigator Ru, inform the pilot of the situation and take her to the ship. We need to rendezvous with the other scouts. We’d better get moving quick, the fire is spreading.”
“Scout One, come in.” The commander waited as the navigator communicated with the pilot. “You’d better give me a hundred credits for this one. She’s an Araidian. Scientists would kill to know why she’s not dead. So you owe me.”
Another pause and crackling noise. The commander heard the conversation through his audio receiver.
“Navigator Ru, everything’s fine out here,” the pilot said.
The commander pressed on his helmet for a clearer audio.
“Commander?” Pilot Zere asked. “Specialist Ursalla seems fine, too. I got her on my view screen. She’s removed her helmet and breathing through backup mask. Nav Ru, can you hear me now? Commander, there’s interference.”
“I can see that, Scout One. It‘s the Reedpods causing interference,” the commander said.
“Scout One, can you hear me?” Nav Ru asked, tapping on his helmet. “I’ve apprehended a surviving Araidian. You won‘t believe this, but we’ve caught a Banee, too. Those sniffing rodents are irreplaceable for finding gold. Maybe this one will make us the richest son of a Granulup in the universe.” More crackling came from the helmet.
Nav Ru threw the girl over his left shoulder and picked up the yelping creature by the scruff of its neck and tucked it under his left arm. From his utility belt, he unsnapped a small green canister, fitting in his right palm, and popped open the lid with his thumb. White smoke hissed from it to knock her and the Banee out.
“This’ll keep you under control.” Nav Ru said, as he walked away from the burning cornfield.
• • • •
The commander knocked on his navigator’s shoulders, indicating to get the captured girl on the ship. He turned to Ursalla while she stood between the shack and Scout One. Before he took a step toward her, she fell from some projectile that hit her temple. His wind left him that moment. A downed soldier from a hostile he hadn’t expected. His woman downed, might be dead.
Le-Yetal ran to her and fell on his knees. Her eyes closed, breathing was undetectable when he checked her pulse, blood oozed from her temple. He ripped of his helmet and his nasal mask auto’d on. His fingers followed the red trail. The temple was their weak spot. Though five times stronger than any human Shatarian, this spot made them equal to their weakness.
Ursalla.
He pulled her to him, embraced her limp body. Weeping would have sufficed, but he felt a pressure on his shoulder through the armor. Holding her with his left arm while crouched, he whipped out from the holster his laser pistol with his right hand. He aimed at his navigator’s face.
“Commander! Your assailant went into the cornfields. That way.” The navigator pointed toward the burning cornfields. A foolish place to run and hide.
“Scout One, can you hear me?” Crackling noise met his ears again and he gave up the communications. “Ursalla, you will live. I’ll be back.” He caressed her cheek, snapped his helmet back on, and ran with his navigator to avenge her.
“Sir! We have to get back for the rendezvous. The countdown--”
“Frock the countdown!” They ran toward the clearer part of the cornfield and he saw the Shatarian youth just about to jump into the cornstalks.
They caught up with the slow creature and took their prod and stung the long haired boy in the back. The young Shatarian keeled over and rolled from their prods. The hostile wouldn‘t stay down. Springing up, the youth dodged one jab toward the shoulder. The second jab caught him in the stomach and he fell over.
Commander Le-Yetal found an opportunity to kill. The only thing that gave him an escape from his congested life of apprehending and killing was Ursalla. And this weak creature took her away from him. All of Shatazar and Araidia wouldn’t keep him from punishing this thief.
“Commander, this is Scout One. We have forty-five minutes until breach. It’s our point of no return. Sir, Nav Ru, please respond. You must hurry. Specialist Ursalla hasn’t moved.”
Crackling pierced his ears after the message. Forty-five minutes were left. They needed to hurry, get more captives and return to Araidia before their equipment drained from those energy-sucking Reedpods. The commander put his hand to his helmet.
“Will she be all right?”
“Sir, she’s out there and I’ve been commanded to stay in the ship. According to the data reader, her breathing reserve is depleted. She won’t make it.”
A loud yell penetrated his mask, spit and mucus blurred his vision. The commander snatched off his helmet again. He wiped the black smudges marked under his eyes and sweat spilled down his face, dripped off his chin. A black tube that ran from his collar into his nose pumped pure oxygen. Nothing had ever wounded him as this Shatarian did.
The boy watched him intently, A ripping noise came from the commander’s thigh pocket, uncovering his commando knife. A glint of silver caught his eye. A deserving filleting should appease his vengeance. The commando swung the knife gracefully, showing his handling skill and posed with right arm high and wrist straight for the kill.
“Sir!” Nav Ru came between the boy and his throw. “He’s young and strong. He’ll be one of the needed ones. We cannot kill him. It’s not our option. Let Specialist Ursalla die courageously in good memory.”
A whistling wind breezed as his knife landed by the boy’s ear. The commander straddled the boy’s torso and kneeled over him.
“If she does not live, I will kill you personally with no scheduled assassination.” Nav Ru pulled the commander away from the boy. The commander twisted around and hit his navigator in the gut. Nav Ru only absorbed the blow by catching his fist and holding it. They strained, holding each other at bay, but Nav Ru slammed his hand into the commander’s chest.
“I trust you, Commander. You have never let us down. If I have to die in saving you, I will.”
The trust of his crewmember caught him harder in the gut than the blow. The commander watched the empty visor, couldn’t see through it, but his navigator’s heart was spoken and Le-Yetal honored the reply.
“Let’s get back. We may get her to the restorative chambers in time. You carry him. If I get my hands on him again, I’ll kill him. He’s caused enough trouble.”
Commander Le-Yetal wrenched the boy up from the ground, snapping a collar around the youth’s neck and dousing him with sleeping gas. Black smoke swirled from the burning cornfield and stench met the commander’s nostrils. His navigator tossed the Shatarian over the right shoulder, carrying the boy like a wet rag, limp arms slapping against his navigator’s buttocks.
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Torbjorn_Nordhagen reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m very impressed by the clarity of your writing style--good grammar, spelling, and your story flows--not stilted in the least. I am a little concerned that you’re doing a bit too much telling (not a lot, I think, but a little) rather than showing. You know, “don’t tell, SHOW” and all that. Here:
“The sky shattered as Scout One and five other Araidian ships entered Irema. A blast of energy cracked through the hull of the ship while Commander Le-Yetal squeezed the arm holds and braced against the force that pressed him into his chair.”
Don’t tell me they’re Araidian (sorry but at the outset of the story I’m not going to know what that means), just DESCRIBE ‘em a bit, you know? Or just put me inside the eyeballs of Le-Yetal and help me understand the sensation for him--familiar? Unsettling? Is he filled with anticipation? While it’s on my mind, if you haven’t done so already I HIGHLY recommend my favorite thriller writer, Thomas Harris of “Silence of the Lambs” fame. That and “Hannibal” are two books that every sci-fi/thriller writer should absolutely HAVE to read in my opinion--I’ve read “Silence of the Lambs” clear through twice. My point is that Harris is excellent at telling the kind of story you’re telling--fast-paced thriller, albeit one with star ships--eh, you get my drift. The real key is DETAIL—I know, a lot of stuff’s happening all at once, so really make the reader FEEL the moment!
“A great advantage for them was Irema did not have defensive weaponry powerful enough to ward off their attack, proving no need for stealth.”
Why not? Too poor/isolated/both? Is this a first raid--sort of like the Vikings’ attack on the Lindisfarne Monastery? Another rec--sorry if this sounds pedantic--research the history of slaving IN Africa during the trans-Atlantic slave trade--and also before. In particular focus on the Kongo, the Senegambia, and the Ashanti Empire in the vicinity of modern-day Ghana. You’ll probably find it fascinating--albeit tragic. In the Senegambia slave-warriors were taking slaves in a manner that reminds me of exactly the kind of thing you’re describing here--surprise raids on unsuspecting villages, the whole bit. Hey, while you’re at it I also recommend researching the Vikings—you’d probably find some great material there on how people responded. From what I can tell the options were pretty much either move inland (and major rivers were also targets) or… wait until well into the ninth century, when more effective Continental monarchs in areas such as modern-day France were finally able to BEGIN to staunch the Norse tide.
‘Too many to be captured… hundreds of them.’
I’m a little confused—I’d think these Extractors would have some kind of chemical warfare, perhaps an aerosol that could be sprayed over a large area to render hundreds of people unconscious? If worse came to worse couldn’t they round them up with hoverbikes or airships on the surface?
“He fought back a smile, remembering her seductive skills of exchanging fluids.”
I like this personal touch—but the “exchanging fluids” bit is a little redundant.
”...white smoke hissed from it to render her and the Banee unconscious.”
As noted earlier, couldn’t they use this on a large scale?
““This’ll keep you under control,” Nav Ru said to himself, as he walked away from the burning cornfield. “
Didn’t he say it to her? Maybe “under his breath” would be better than “to himself”. Like the touch of the burning cornfield, good to get that descriptive detail in there.
“He calmed his heart as his walk progressed to a trot. Her short hair whipped around her face from Irema’s strong breeze, beautiful like the goddess of war. Free from the helmet, she stood confidently. “
I like this—especially with what happens next!
Great ending, poignant bit with the cornfields. Watch those cliffhangers, though—they can be useful but sometimes they’re a little overdone/overdrawn, in my experience. Thanks for sharing this, and I hope I’ve helped. You have talent and promise, write on!
Best, ~Torbjorn
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DragonQueen reviewed Version 2 -
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This is well written. I didn’t notice any grammer mistakes, though sometimes i get so ingrossed in a story I don’t notice those things. The description was well done, and the characters felt real. While I read it, it was like a movie, well doen in my eyes.
Would you read further? Does this captivate you? Do you like any of the characters? (These are the bad guys, to put it loosely. They will develop and are important to the story.)
In these respects you have nothing to worry about, at least from me. I loved teh characters and it did captivate me.
I can’t say it enough, good job!!!!! If this was to be published I would definately bye it and read it countless times. I would definately give a score higher then 10 if i could.
:)
Deadsage reviewed Version 2 -
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Very good writing, your images and language are vivid and your characters are believable. Some of the science is vague and hard to understand, but that is to be expected when introducing a new realm of sci-fi. Overall I enjoyed the read. Here are the improvements I can suggest:
Why use something like “brain’s DNA” and a painful electrocution type process just to send a covert message? ”Data stream coursing through his veins” -veins return to the heart, not directly to the brain, that’s a long path through the lungs. There are plenty of simple ways this can be accomplished without such a violent and complex process. It seems unlikely for such a simple task like sending a message to necessitate such an investment of technology.
“the arms plasma flame thrower” -should be “arm’s”
“Her long legs personified speed and strength” -I don’t think personified is the right word, exemplified perhaps?
...running about like rodents. -missing a quotation here.
“seductive skills of exchanging fluids” -leave off with seductive skills, the mention of fluid exchange is too direct, redundant with seductive already present, and unnecessary.
“phfstpods” This is swearing? I need a pronunciation key, puh-fist? Fif-st?
“one of his commando packs on his belt.” -from a commando pack on his belt would sound better.
“his limp arms slapped against the navigator’s buttocks.” -this seemed like a silly image in the middle of an emotional scene.
starhammer1 reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like the villains point of view, especially after reading the protagonists in earlier parts and seeing their side beforehand. You give just as much attention to the villains of the story as you do to Teeabu and company, which is actually sort of a rare occurance in science fiction and fantasy stories where the heroes seem to always steal the limelight. So as far as contenet and storytelling go, this is very solid and I loved the dialogue and also the characters involved in the 15 pages of text.
I did not see any errors in grammar or spelling, although you know as well as I do from reading my work that I am not the best when it comes to editing. I write well, but I do not edit well. So as far as that portion is concerned, everything seems fine to me.
I also liked that you included just enough detail on things for us to get a picture, but left out just enough to the point where we as the readers can decide how they appear based upon personal preferences.
Overall, veyr nice read, a good entry for a science fiction novel. To be honest, its starting to make me remember watching old Buck Rogers or other 50’s sci-fi with my dad, and thats a good thing.
NikiAllen1203 reviewed Version 2 -
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SO far so good. I’m not a big sci-fi fan, but this drew me in
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi it’s been awhile.
, making them shut down from Reedpod exposure. Might you want to replace “Making” with “causing” them. It seems to sound a little better—-maybe.
Very technical and scientific. Well written. No major grammar errors stand out.
“Her figure made everything within him stir.” How about, her figure stirred everything within him.
“Her superior agility never allowed him to forget her strength.” Her superior agility amazed him and reminded him never to forget her strength.
Fields of wheat and rows of corn passed. They raced or sped by by fields of beige wheat, and long rows of corn. Said this way it gives the descriptions more color.
I enjoyed the description of the dusty fields. If i can visualize a scene, i figure it is well done. I also like the action, the flame throwers and the
moving vehicle or rover.
Her bio signs indicate she’s heated up. I believe she’s cooling down. Can you look at this and see if its right? It seems contradict.
beautiful like the goddess of war. Can you name the goddess of war so the reader can visualize?
Well, i have reviewed you many times and i know i can safely say that this is an artful peace. I loved it. The end of this chapter was realistic and the dialog well written. The action and the scientific aspect will appeal to men However, it will also appeal to women because it has that touch of romance. the scene with Ursula getting shot was very potent. And some women will appreciate all the scientific aspects, too. I will be looking for the next installment. All my best, Sandi
EmptyInkwell reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow, the action really kept me going. The descriptions were just enough to give me an idea of what everything looked like, and how everyone respects each other on the ship. And the sexual tension was also done very well. When Ursalla was injured, I didn’t see it coming, I was surprised. I really enjoyed reading your story.
pushingtheedge reviewed Version 2 -
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This was creative and original.
“A temporal lobe chip had been placed in his right temple since his conscription in Araidia’s military elite.” Using Temporal lobe and then right temple in the same sentence made it sound sound repetitive. Perhaps: “A chip had been place in his right temporal lobe since…”
The description of how the information entered his blood stream was good but then I felt the flow was interrupted by this sentence “As First Commander of Scout One, Le-Yetal…” I was waiting for you to tell me something more because of the use of the word “as.” There were other times the word “as” was used and the thought not followed through.
“It burned, felt as if he were shot in the arm by a laser pistol.” I felt this did not flow well. “The burn felt as if he were shot in the arm..” something like that would keep it going.
I was confused, why did the captain chase after the boy and leave this woman he had strong feelings for to die? Is that their nature?
The grammar messed with the flow but these are minor corrections here and there. I tried to show a few flow issues above. At times I felt the action was too fast, I wanted more description of surroundings to get a clearer image in my mind.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 2 -
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“broke apart”- as in broke formation in the way they were travelling? Or was there an actual hull breach?
The white ring- is this the formation of the ships? Or is it something being given off from the engines? It’s not too clear.
Cut “to sustain them”, maybe. No air = death.
The data stream kind of reminded me of the scene in the Matrix (“I know Kung fu!”)
“Araidia One, it could be”- Run on.
I dont think you need a comma after alias.
“Mission3/4”- typo? I don’t understand this part.
“Hailed the ships”- can we hear his voice?
“The pilot noddedd…” run on.
I’m a third of the way in and these slave capturers have shown no remorse or self doubt (as expected) but they haven’t shown much arrogance either. I think even if we are supposed to like them, there should be some kind of pomposity that goes with their assumption that it is okay to capture slaves. Make us like the fact that they are a bit nasty.
“The commander blamed it”- is he keeping this thought to himself? Or is it reported speech? If he only thinks it directly in italics, which would show his character more.
Using “credits” as a currency is a little over-used (Demolition Man and Total Recall did it, to name 2.) Perhaps make up a name for it, and most readers would guess it’s a currency.
“This will keep you under control”- He’s not saying this to himself. It may be rhetorical speech (the creature won’t understand) but it’s the creature he’s technically talking to. I’m not sure it’s neccessary for the scene anyway to include the line. Good event to close that scene with, though.
Would a heart “calm” if you progress from a walk to a trot? Romantically the heart may “improve”- emotions may lighten- but saying it calms when physical exertion increases (walk to trot) seems unlikely.
how can she be remotely alive with an “ugly, gaping hole” in a vital part of the head? Surely she’d be dead immediately…?
“chocked inside”- choked?
Good that you’ve included corn- it indicates the possibility of an explanation of crop circles, perhaps…
Story has potential. It does read a lot like other sci-fi on urbis, though. I’d focus on characters and dialogue: How can they be original and believable?
chrisrose331 reviewed Version 2 -
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you know I’m not a huge fan of SCi Fi but once I started this story I couldnt stop. I think if you tighten it up a little more then you could get published.
good luck!
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