Poetry / Butterfly Kisses
Bashful lemons lift the grease of the elderly
Keeping little cups of tartar sauce on the mantle,
Next to an urn of ashes of clay.
Marble floor tiles litter my front yard,
Scattered next to the komodo dragon
That tended my garden while I was away.
Little rows of duct tape stuck on the white brick wall,
Keeping the foundation from cracking
Under the weight of broken glass,
Shimmering in the pale green moonlight,
Infused with the dust of the sun,
And ever-changing in the misty blades of grass.
The court jester prances around the inside of the shoe box.
Loose screws, opposite poles, magnetic, dropping them.
Shaken with the jack hammer,
Annoying the birds underground,
Disturbing the flying moles,
And the worm's shrieks, piercing my eardrums
With a poison arrow of sweet honey,
Marinating in the parmesean cheese,
Extracted from the tree of stupidity,
And dies.
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You have many, many wonderful and original images here but unfortunately they seem disconnected.
I believe you should remove the entire first stanza, as it doesn’t quite give a proper intro to the rest.
The second stanza is excellent. Very specific images. You should continue from there – you should later say WHERE have you been while the dragon was “tending” your garden.
Third stanza’s main problem is that it has too many of temporalities – moon, sun, mist – which then detract from the overall picture and confuse.
The final “and dies” is not properly connected with a subject. Who dies? Worm? You have room here for making it more clear for the reader.
Overall, pure ten for the talent, but this still feels like a work in progress, with a great potential though.
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