Poetry / Symphony (Analysis)
A lovely sound
roams through the ground,
and seductively it tears.
Straight through the wind
alluring hymn,
which flows about the air.
Wings are flapping, so enchanting,
Angels start to sing.
The hymn so soothing, ever moving,
affecting everything.
As a thousand twangling instruments,
hum about thine ears
my hearts promising drum beat will deliver you from fear.
Don’t you hear?
those voices whispering, promising false dreams to thee
but I vow pleasant dreams for thine eyes to feel and see.
Where Angels sing
upbringing glee
drive divine right into me
no anguish hitting me,
my listening’s uplifting me
love is gripping me,
right through the flesh it’s ripping me.
Two can tango,
but only We create this Symphony.
The music,
perfect
we hit every high and very low.
every note embodies hope,
erased the Murder
that She wrote.
the clouds unfurled, upon the girl,
Sunshine flooding her mentality
the evils scurried,
voices vanished,
as I flooded her reality...
with love, that swept through once disaster streets
but now a broken vision
formed to a masterpiece
the drum beat getting faster, now my heart is skipping me
two can master sound,
but only We
create this Symphony.
.vibe0ne. © 2008
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Hi there, hope all is well with thee.
I read this thru a few times, absorbing it more each time. I love when a writer chooses to entwine nature with the warm emotion of love. The passion from the writer is clear, intense but without crudeness. Such an inner peace is felt after a few reads, very soothing with some greatly created visuals for those that can ‘see’ them. A master… piece. Nicely done!
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A poem of harmonies needs to be harmonic. So using words like “tears”and “flapping” is putting discordant sounds into your write. You need more words like “hum” to create vibrate sounds in your reader’s mind. “Ripping” is a discordant sound and counter to the title of your poem. I think this is the main reason I could not get into your poem.
During the first couple of lines in this poem, beautiful imagery was created inside of my mind by the words that you used. I almost thought of the spring season and happy animals celebrating the warm weather. As the poem continued, however, I was not certain about the direction of the poem. There seemed to be spirtitual or religious overtones in the second half of the poem. This tone was a bit confusing in the last couple of lines or stanzas. If you decide to revise the poem, the last couple of lines or stanzas would be an essential place to begin.
Wonderful. This has such a sing song cadence to it. the rythm fits the topice so very well. Excellent word choices throughout. “twangling”; I haven’t a clue what this means but I love the sound of it.
The 5 line “me” sequence detracts from this, in my opinion. It is too stark in the middle of such a beautiful sound. Repetetions are so difficult to work with, even when used for effect.
Small nuisance though. The remainder is as lovely as the beginning.
I appreciate the cadence here and the sound-play as well. An exception is “my hearts promising drum beat will deliver you from fear.”—that line is awkward. If I felt as though I was running along with the current of the poem, this was the eddy that held up the leaf, as it were.
While sound is important to any poem, this might work better as a spoken word piece than some. And perhaps less well on the page. The punctuation and iconography, what there is it, seems relatively unplanned.
This piece tells the reader a great deal, but as the poet’s maxim goes, it ought to show rather than tell. There are notable exceptions, of course. But “showing” is part of the joy of verse, as it frees itself from the limitations of prose. Showing would benefit this piece as it would ground it with details and a reality it doesn’t quite have with its ethereal meandering.
Your grasp of language and of sound is strong, so you have a strong foundation to move forward from. Just avoid hackneyed phraseology and give the reader more specifics to make this piece sing.
Thank you for the opportunity to review your work!
I like the duality of the piece. It had a light hearted begining then in the middle it is like a dark twist takes over just like in real life out side forces try to take over a relationship. I could feel it great job.
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