Thanks :]
Actually, this is the only violent scene in the book… the rest is a love story between two teens.
The reason I put it in the young adult is because I’m only 14, and I think teens will be able to relate with the characters more as the story continues.
Young Adult / Angel, Prologue
Reaching up, I felt tiny droplets of sweat forming on my moist forehead. I was becoming more and more terrified with every second that was ticking away.
I heard him behind me, sharpening a silver blade. His dark face was hidden underneath a black cap, yet I could feel the hungriness of his eyes. As the dark shadow of the vicious killer slowly approached, he let out a crackling, demonic laugh. I nearly felt my heart pounding out of my tight chest.
I had the gruesome feeling the end was near. My stomach dropped as he came terrifyingly close to me, cornering me in. Heaving in enormous breaths of moist air, my lungs forced me to stay alive for a few more minutes. I was stuck, like a helpless fly in the sticky traps of a spider's web.
Suddenly, in one fierce, chaotic movement, the figure beneath the dark cap raised his silver knife to my helpless throat, threatening my lfie.
"You will not be the death of me," he growled, sourly. I shrieked as he carved deep gashes into my trembling arm. The pain was unbearable... Why me? I thought.
Forcing my lids shut, I froze, waiting for the end to finally come. Although I was young---eleven years old, actually,--- I had seen enough horror movies to know that the pain which accompanied death was terrible.. almost worse than death itself. Looking back, I have realized that it was the pain that I was scared of. Death would have been easy; a calm and simple way to pass from this world to the next.
Of course, however, most of us do not always get what we wish for.
I did not die. As the killer carved deeper and deeper, slicing away at my trembling skin, I held on. My heart refused to surrender to death... and this is my story.
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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-‘I nearly felt my heart pounding out of my tight chest.’
You may want to consider ‘I felt my heart nearly pounding out of my tight chest.’
The way it is written now reads awkwardly and sounds like the narrator barely feels his/her heart pounding, not that his/her heart is pounding so hard it may make its way through their chest.
-‘Of course, however, most of us do not always get what we wish for.’
It would sound better to use either of course or however here. Both is a bit of overkill…
-Though short, I really liked this intro. It definitely made me want to read more, and you did a good job of building up that anticipation with suspense. :)
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JaneLloyd reviewed Version 1 -
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One problem, your forehead is moist because you’re sweating. So the droplets on the moist forehead seem like they’re repeating themselves.
Of course, however,
The however weakens the sentence, I’d remove it.
Ok, in general, the problem with this is that I don’t think it belongs in the young adult category, it seems far too violent to aptly apply. But, I do think this, as a prologue, sets up a good beginning to a story. I’d definitely continue it, just consider rethinking your audience.
pjwilson reviewed Version 1 -
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Paragraph 1: Do not gorge your adjectives; they can work either for you or against you. For instance, “I felt tiny droplets of sweat. . . on my moist forehead.” Pick either the “tiny droplets” or “moist.”
Paragraph 2: Nice portrayal here but be wary of too many adjectives. Is there a better word than “hungriness”?
Paragraph 3: You may want to include either a colon, semicolon, or dash after “feeling.” In addition, the spider and fly simile is dimly insipid, don’t you think?
Paragraph 4: Check your spelling of “lfie”?
Paragraph 6: You have a split infinitive in your first sentence; for example, “for the end to finally come.” Do away with the dashes in the second sentence and use commas.
Be careful of your “that and which” clauses too. You have a fragment in your second sentence, and you become excessively effusive in your third sentence. Moreover, you don’t need a semicolon after “easy.”
Paragraph 7-8: I take it there will be more to come, right?
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s okay so far…I’m not really entertained by this kind of thing though. I really like to meet some of the characters and get a clearer idea of what’s going on before I decide if I like it or not. You’re a great writer…better than me…and thats why I plan on reading your first chapter though then officially deciding if I want to continue.
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