Poetry / 4 A.M.

I like your poem. I don’t think you need a dash in the word heavy.(in you 3rd sentences). I look forward to reading more of your words though.

“Neither here nor there” is cliché, since it has been used to often by other authors.  More then that, that phrases adds nothing in meaning to your poem.  Take it out and you will have a better poem.  What it adds in structure is minor.

This is my first read.

It seems to me that you’re concerned more with capturing a mood – one contemplative and even pensive – than telling a tale.  If so, then plot is a secondary aim – but it is an aim nonetheless; there should be a sense of progression, and, perhaps, a culmination as well.  Consider writing how this mood begins and how it ends, so as to have a sense of finality at the close – otherwise, the reader is left yearning more, and will not receive it lest there is a sequel (something uncommon in verse).  You might also want to try your hand at meter, though I’ll understand – but not agree – if you prefer free verse.

That said, the refrain of “neither here nor there” is likely the most affecting of all your elements.  It is the essence of losing yourself, of being nowhere at all.  Ending on that line is especially noteworthy, and something that serves your poem well.

Take care, and good luck,

Nick

Oh yeah I’ve been there…wondering why, why the search for words control my mind..Yes “the art of self intrusion” Thanks for the memories and poem, enjoyed

“to grasp at dark butterflies”
This poem is fantastic! You must have done wonders with this poem since its your second version. I have no advice on how to make it stronger. You did all the work you could I’m sure, and now I think its ready. Kudos.

I really enjoy this poem. Its structure and subject is very engaging. It’s fluid and concise. I think a majority of people should be able to feel for this. There are many a nights I lay awake…perhaps contemplating…perhaps just enjoying the sound of musical notes. Because it is able to reach such a variety of people I feel this will do good when it comes to the consensus of the general public.

The only true critique I had was that it could probably use a couple more comas….depending of course how YOU wanted it to be read. But when I read it I feel “i am me()myself without drugs” you could use one between me and myself….a pause allows me to relish the revelation of who you are. Perhaps it’s just me.

Perhaps as you list politics….etc….you may want to break them up with comas…I feel, as it is now, I am rushed to realize what it is you contemplate about. If I was forced to read it slower I could perhaps have more time to discover a relationship between this poem and my own life. Then again maybe I am be too critical.

Overall I feel this is an AWESOME poem without any TECHNICAL errors. I am not the best at finding those though.

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January 04, 2009

by cimak

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30	M	New Bern, NC	May 21

i think you are right about the comma point thank you i think i will make the change for my final draft
since i am usung urbis to get my poetry ready for publishing

February 01, 2009

by Beer_and_Poetry

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24	M	Kokomo, IN	March 17

let me know when you push out that final draft.

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Wow, i really loved it. The tone is just like when i wake up, haha. [i alwawys wake up to jazz]. Love how you captured evey aspect of the first few dazed moments of waking up with confusion and then having to make decisions too. [comtemplating]

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January 04, 2009

by cimak

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
77	71.7% (60 votes)	15.3%

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30	M	New Bern, NC	May 21

that is interesting for you are the first person to associate this with waking up
most people go with the sleepless night angle thank you for the new perspective

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To me, the structure is symbolic and represents jazz, in a written form. If this was intended, excellent job! Your wording could be more, dramatic, or choosy I guess… like “i am me myself still awake at 4a.m.” could be worded better, cause that makes the reader fumble when saying it, whereas, the rest of the piece has a nice jazzy flow to it.

I can totally relate to this piece, seeing as its 3am here, no drugs, no sleep, no sex, thus lust, and maybe a bit of poetry.

Great work.

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January 04, 2009

by cimak

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
77	71.7% (60 votes)	15.3%

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30	M	New Bern, NC	May 21

i thank you for the review
i did have the wrong version up for review though
i would really appreciate it if you did review the second version

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Wow. I’m enamored with your rhythm, at first when I read where it says “trust is a must for my heart” I felt like that internal rhyme was a bit awkward, but after reading the whole poem a few times I think it works. I really liked the subtlety of the repetition of the word comtemplating, and how it fits in rhythmically, and same goes for “neither here nor there”. Also, where it says “drama art & so on” part of me says the & so on works with the sort of casual feel to this poem, but the most likely more wise part of me says that it seems slightly off. Where it says “ideas free to roam yet too tired/to grasp at dark butterflies/4 a.m./contemplating/John Coltrane’s saxophone flow/neither here nor there” for me that is just gold, it’s like you hit the nail on the head (not to be cliche or anything). All and all I think the tone of the piece is just great. bravo.

I think that the two last lines are very beautiful, but the rest of the poem isn’t to my liking at all. There isn’t really a rhythm, and some parts are clearly unneeded.
Example:

“somewhere
neither here nor there
its 4 a.m. (yawning, eyes he-avy baggy & dark)
contemplating”

I think that if you got rid of “(yawning, eyes he-avy baggy & dark)” and “contemplating” it would sound better and more mature.
Also, then it would appear that “Somewhere, neither here nor there, it’s 4 AM”, which is a rather interesting thing to say about time. Otherewise it appears that “It’s 4 AM” is the beginning of a new sentence.

Besides that “politics life drama art & so on” is just completely out of place. The “&” symbol makes it seem childish and without rhythm. I think you shouldn’t use such symbols in such a poem – it stops it from flowing.