Thanks for the advice, but you say it’s lacking a little in maturity? Well, this is a young adult story.
Young Adult / Enchanted Goddesses: The Genesis-Chapters 1 & 2
Chapter 1: Aries
Aries burst in through the front door.
“Helen!” she shouted enthusiastically. “I made it! I made the cheerleading squad!”
Aries watched as her big sister flew down the stairs and hugged her.
“Congratulations, Aries! I knew you would!” Helen said excitedly.
“And Watesha did too! But she wasn’t in school today. I can’t wait to tell her.”
“That’s great news. I wish I were beautiful and loud like you. I’ve always wanted to wear a cheerleading uniform, with the short skirts and all.”
Helen’s comment was ironic to Aries. Aries had always thought Helen was beautiful. Helen was in great shape, had gorgeous green eyes, and long ash blond hair. Aries sometimes wished they were biological sisters, so she could have hair like Helen and Helen’s mother.
Helen’s mother had died from breast cancer at the age of thirty, five years after adopting Aries. Aries didn’t remember her much because she had only been five-and-a-half at the time her adoptive mother died. Helen remembered more because she’d been seven when her mother died. It had hurt her much more than it had Aries.
Aries now lived with just her eighteen-year-old adoptive sister Helen and her adoptive dad. She loved them with all her heart.
“So you have to go to cheerleading camp this summer?” Helen asked. “To be ready for football season next school year?”
“Yeah,” Aries said, bouncing up and down with excitement. “Looks like my senior year is going to be the best yet. I’m going to go call Watesha and tell her the good news. Are you about to go to work?”
“Yes. I’m heading out now. Bye,” Helen said, grabbing her car keys.
Aries ran up the stairs after Helen left. She couldn’t wait to tell her best friend the great news.
She went to her room, taking her cellphone out of her purse. She pressed the speed dial number for Watesha’s cell and lay on her stomach across her bed, kicking her feet impatiently as the phone rang.
Watesha answered on the fifth ring, and her voice sounded tired. “Hello?”
“Hey!” Aries greeted. “Where have you been? You weren’t in school today. I desperately need to talk to you.”
“I need to talk to you too, Aries.”
“How about we meet somewhere?”
“Sure. The park?” Watesha suggested.
“Okay. What time?”
“Give me thirty minutes. See you at the fountain.”
“Okay. Bye.” Aries hung up the phone.
She loved Watesha like a sister. For some reason, when they first met in ninth grade, she’d felt connected to her, as if they were family. They were alike in many ways. The only thing that proved they weren’t directly related was their skin color. Aries had cream-colored skin and Watesha’s was a light brown. But that hardly bothered them.
Aries walked over to stand in front of the long mirror beside her door. She posed with her hands on her hips.
Maybe I do have the looks of a cheerleader, she thought. She was tall, with slim legs, a thin waist, and curly light brown hair slightly past her shoulders.
She always wondered where her looks came from. She wanted to meet her real mother and father. Though if she tried to find them, she wouldn’t know where to begin. The earliest information she had about her life was the name of the orphanage she had been adopted from. But the orphanage had no record of who Aries’ parents were.
Why didn’t anyone know who her parents were? Had they abandoned her? Shouldn’t her adoptive father know this type of information about her past?
Aries sighed. She had pondered those thoughts and asked those questions so many times. It proved useless to do so.
She walked over to her closet and searched for something to wear. Most of the clothing in her closet was her favorite color: white. She felt happier and peaceful when wearing anything with white in it for some reason. Helen always said she was weird because of her obsession with one color.
When she started high school, people had begun to notice her obsession to the color white. So Aries started wearing white clothes only on Mondays and Fridays. The rest of the week she had on different colored clothes, but she either had on a white hair bow, white socks, or white shoes.
Aries didn’t think she was weird because Watesha was the same way with blue clothes. It was easier for Watesha though because everyone wore jeans, and it wasn’t strange if you wore them three or four days a week.
Today was Wednesday and Aries wanted to feel at peace. So she took off her beige shorts and brown top. She chose a pair of faded jean shorts and a white shirt so small it revealed her belly button. Then she slipped on a pair of white flip-flops, brushed her hair, and grabbed her purse as she walked out the door.
The wind blew slightly as she walked down the street. Since it was so hot out, the breeze felt pleasant on her tanned skin. Summertime was on its way.
That was another thing that made her happy, besides the color white. The feel of the wind. Actually, just every time she was out in fresh air.
Once when Aries had been five, she’d lost Helen and her adoptive mom in a crowd at the carnival. She’d been so frightened at the loud noises and big people who’d towered over her. Aries barely remembered, but she could have sworn the wind helped guide her back to her family. It had seemed to nudge her along through the crowds till she ended up back at her mom’s side.
Maybe she had just been a stupid little kid. Maybe she’d made it up. But it was her favorite memory because it was one of the few she had of the only mother she’d ever known.
Chapter 2: Watesha
What is wrong with me? Watesha thought, staring at herself in the bathroom mirror.
Nothing looked wrong with her physically. She had medium-length dark brown hair, smooth skin, and high cheekbones. It was strange that her eyes were blue, even though her skin was a caramel color. Besides that, she’d always looked perfectly normal.
But…
Watesha gazed down at the sink full of water. She loved water a lot. It was so magnificent.
And she could control it.
For the fifth time, she moved her hand inches above the water slowly. A stream of water came up to touch her hand and followed the movements her hand was making. Watesha slowly let out her breath, still shocked by her recent discovery.
There was a knock on the bathroom door.
“Watesha? Are you okay? Are you throwing up again?” It was her mom’s concerned voice.
“No. I’m fine.” Watesha drained the water out of the sink and flushed the toilet, hoping her mom would think she was just using the bathroom.
She ran the faucet, but didn’t touch the water. She was scared of it now. Instead, she watched the clear liquid drain down the sink. She let the water run for a decent amount of hand-washing time, then opened the bathroom door.
“You feel any better yet?” her mom asked, with a look of concern on her face. Her brown skin was darker than Watesha’s and she had brown hair cut really short. The color of their hair seemed to be the only thing Watesha and her adoptive mother had in common.
“Yeah,” Watesha answered. “I was just using the bathroom. I feel better now.” She walked past her mom and back to her room, closing the door.
She kicked a pile of dirty laundry out of her way and fell backwards onto her bed. For a moment she stared at the ceiling, thinking about the lie she’d been telling her mother.
I’m not really lying to her, Watesha thought, I am sick. Just not normal sick.
Last night, Watesha had been taking a shower. Her mother hadn’t known at the time, so she’d turned on the washing machine, causing Watesha’s shower water to turn cold. Watesha had wanted the water to get warmer again, so she found herself thinking about heat. And then the water had become so hot, it almost burned her.
So she’d turned it off. And then water had come out of the shower by itself. It had been perfect, not hot nor cold. She became so freaked that she stepped out of the tub. The water spouting from the showerhead had actually curved and followed her! So Watesha had grabbed a towel and ran back to her room, panicking. She heard the water stop running again, all by itself. Sleep had not come easily last night, and so she appeared very tired and weak, perfect for her lie.
She had told her mother that morning that she was sick, because she hadn’t wanted to face her classmates at school. She knew she had made the water do all those things. She had felt her mind controlling it without even touching it. The feeling had scared her. What had happened wasn’t normal. Not even close.
Watesha sat up abruptly. Aries was waiting for her.
She still had on her pajamas, so she quickly slipped on a pair of navy blue jean shorts and a baby blue t-shirt. She pulled on socks and her white sneakers. Then she combed her hair and used a scrunchie to put it in a ponytail.
“I’m going to meet Aries at the park!” Watesha yelled to her mother as she headed for the front door.
“Okay,” her mom said from the den. “Some fresh air might be good for you. But don’t stay out too long. You may start feeling sick again.”
“Okay.” Watesha walked out the door and closed it, realizing she forgot her purse. Oh well. She desperately needed to talk to her best friend, so she continued down the street’s sidewalk towards the park.
Aries was the only one Watesha could talk to about this…problem. Aries was like her in more ways than either of them could count. Heck, Aries could be going through the same thing. But Aries had seemed excited about something on the phone. This sure wasn’t exciting to Watesha.
She found Aries sitting on the bench by the large turtle fountain. Staring at the sparkling clear water, Watesha wished she hadn’t agreed to meet Aries here.
“Hey,” Watesha greeted. She sat down beside Aries on the bench.
“Hey, Watesha,” Aries said. “Why weren’t you in school today?”
“I was…sick.”
“Oh. You feeling better?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Because I have great news. We made the cheerleading squad!”
“Cheerleading squad? Oh! Yeah. Cool.” Watesha had nearly forgotten she’d tried out. She had only tried out because Aries had. Being kind of shy, she wouldn’t have tried out on her own.
“What do you mean ‘cool’? This is awesome! This is great! We’ll be popular and the guys will be all over us. Of course, we’ll have to sacrifice three weeks of our summer at cheerleading camp, but it’s worth it.”
Watesha managed a weak smile. Her mind was too preoccupied to rejoice.
“But you don’t seem very happy about it. What’s the matter?” Aries asked. Her gray eyes now showed genuine concern.
“Something’s wrong with me.”
“Wrong how?”
Watesha grabbed Aries’ hand and pulled her over to the fountain. As she held her hand over the rippling water that trickled from the fountain’s top, she focused on controlling it. A stream of water obediently rose up and started swirling around her hand, creating a suspended hoop.
Aries was flabbergasted. “Is that a magic trick?”
“What? No! I don’t know how I’m able to do it,” Watesha said, pulling her hand away and allowing the water to fall back in the fountain with a splash.
“When…when did you find this out?”
“Last night.” Watesha told Aries about the shower and everything.
“Wow,” Aries said in amazement when Watesha was done telling the story.
“We are alike in many ways,” Watesha said. “And we feel connected to each other. Maybe you can do the same thing.”
Aries tried. Nothing happened.
“How come you couldn’t do it before?” Aries asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe I was supposed to be able to do it when I got to a certain age.”
“Can you control anything else?”
“No. Only water. I can feel my mind reaching out to it every time I’m around it. All my life I thought I just had a strange obsession to water, but now it’s much more than that.”
They both sat down on the bench again, pondering in silence. Watesha fidgeted as a minute passed. What if her best friend now thought she was too weird? She hadn’t thought of that before confiding in Aries. Watesha watched her friend earnestly.
“You were adopted too,” Aries finally spoke. “Did your adoptive parents tell you anything about where you came from?”
“They said I was found by someone. I was wrapped in a blue blanket with a wristband saying, ‘Watesha.’ The adoption agency liked the name, so they kept it.”
“Maybe we are related because my story is exactly the same, except I was in a white blanket and my wristband said ‘Aries’. Maybe I just haven’t got my powers yet.”
“This is so weird,” Watesha muttered. “What am I supposed to do? Should I tell someone?”
Aries shook her head. “I don’t think you should. They’ll treat you like a science experiment. Is there anything you want me to do?”
“Keep trying to see if you have the same powers,” urged Watesha. “Meanwhile I’ll act normal so no one will get suspicious. But right now I have to go before my mom gets worried. She thinks I’m sick.”
“Okay. I’ll take a bath tonight and try.” Aries hugged her friend. “Don’t worry, you’ll get through this. Thank you for trusting me with this big secret.”
Watesha hugged back. “Well, you are like a sister to me. I always trust you.”
Watesha and Aries then said goodbye. Watesha walked towards her home, mulling over this new problem she had and wondering what she would do about it.
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NathanD91 reviewed Version 3 -
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Wel i really liked this. But i only had two problems with it.
One- you didn’t say the girls ages, or at least i don’t think you did. it kinda messed me up to where i couldn’t picture them very well. at times i felt they were 13 at other 16.
two- you revealed to much in the second chapter. you should’ve made it a little more suspenseful. it’s like you rushed out to say it. i mean even if they are like sisters. I would be a little wierded out by someone saying water was following me.
anyways this story seems to be really good. i think it has a lot of potential. i like the two names Watesha and Aries. Are you gonna make it to where aries can do the same thing or something different?
great job
-nathan
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LexiLane reviewed Version 3 -
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The only part of this story I was a little unhappy with was the way Watesha came out with her ‘gift’ to Aries. It seemed a little rushed. I think you could have built up some more suspense and made it a bit more dramatic there.
I also found it a little odd that the friends were only just now telling each other how they were found as babies. If they were such great friends, maybe they would have gone over this long ago…?
The story idea is interesting and fun and I look forward to finding out what happens – but where is the prologue you speak of in the author’s notes? I assume it is on your page to read? Overall, I liked it, and would like to read more.
Rika_Ricardson reviewed Version 3 -
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My first impression when reading this was “Oh no, not another corny young adult book!” Most young adult books open with the average, brainless main character caught up in some unimportant event or drama, describing her wardrobe and the rest of the character’s appearances with such minute detail it drives the reader insane. You introduced the characters all too quickly and were telling the reader about them, not showing the reader, which is a general mistake most new writers make. The whole paragraph about Aries’ white wardrobe is unnecessary, as if it was important you could have SHOWN the reader about it by having another character comment on it or something to that degree.
The flashbacks in the beginning were also too much. Backstories must be introduced slowly, with only a passing references by the main characters about past events triggered by objects or actions.
Ex: Marie passed under the chandelier quickly, her pace and heart rate accelerating dramatically. When she made it to the other side of the chandelier, she bit back the thoughts. It wasn’t the time to think about that day. The phone rang…
By mentioning it briefly the reader is more intrigued, and mystified. Why is Marie afraid of standing underneath a chandelier? Did someone she know die from being hit by one? Is there something else? Writing is a cat and mouse game. You bait the reader into reading your story, holding hostage what they desperately want most: the main character to succeed, accomplish there goal, and to know why. The reader WANTS to get to a conclusive ending. You’ve got to keep that from them until the end so it will be that much sweeter, and it’s not helping if you have your character randomly parading into a whole bunch of internal dialogue about that time in the orphanage.
When I read the line “What is wrong with me? Watesha thought, staring at herself in the bathroom mirror.” I was scared. Not in a good way, either. Normally, stories that switch from perspective to perspective are flops- a novel is more complete in almost all circumstances when there’s only one narrator. The whole second chapter could have been reduced to just the park scene in Aries’ perspective yet the reader would’ve gotten the whole story and then would have been kept on their edge of their seat as Aries looked at Watesha in horror as she listened to the story, incredulously interrogating her friend.
Now THAT would have piqued my interest even more as we only slowly pieced together Watesha’s talent instead of getting it explained to us all at once.
Another thing I would like to point out is your beginning. It doesn’t start out strong enough! We get too many names and characters and descriptions and not enough action! So Aries made the squad. So what? What would have really captured your reader’s attention is if you started right at the park scene!
Wouldn’t it be fun to catch your readers off guard and throw them a curve ball by starting with Watesha’s talent? That’s the fun of writing, my friend, is to make the reader piece things together and guess, and laugh and cry (not out of boredom, I hope).
A line that made me wince was ““We are alike in many ways,” Watesha said.” Come on! This isn’t a formal speech! Watesha is someone who is confused, lost, and a little scared with her new talent. The last thing she would do would be to say that. Show her fear! Have her trip over her words to get them out! Have her say something to the degree of, “It can’t- no. Aries, there must be someone like me,” Watesha pleaded, shaking Aries, “can you do something? Like I can?” She’s in a state of shock! Have her plead, have her fidget uncontrollably, have her mutter incoherently! You could even make things more interesting and have Aries be afraid of Watesha for awhile. That would certainly thicken the plot!
I know, I know, this review was a teeny bit harsh. If what you submitted was your first draft, then it was quite a good one, as far as rough drafts go. IF not, that’s okay, there’s a lot you can do to fix it. Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because after all, you’re the writer! I loved the sci fi twist that you introduced with Watesha, and your names are a refreshing breath from the bland ones we see in YA books today.
dove2010 reviewed Version 2 -
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“I’m leaving out the door now.” try saying “heading” instead of “leaving”
“Aries entered her room and took her cellphone out of her white purse. She pressed the speed dial number for Watesha’s cellphone and lay on her stomach across her bed, kicking her feet impatiently.” try “Aries went to her room, taking her cellphone out of her purse. She pressed the speed dial to call watesh, laying on her stomach across her bed and kicking her feet impatiently.”
“Helen had always said her sister was weird because of Aries’ obsession to one color.” try “Helen always said she was weird because of her obsession with one color.”
“It felt pleasant to her tanned skin…” change “to” to “on”
This is really well written. Your dialogue is really good. It helps to keep the story moving, but is seems like that is the majority of your story. You should add a few more discriptive things and take us more into the minds of Aries and Watesha. Also, I think you should combine these two chapters into one, just make it a two part chapter.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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“long dirty”, as in hair . I believe i would take out “dirty” as a description. This is how a reader will remember the character. Since she is pretty just say ash blonde..
Need a dash here: Thirty-five.
“To be ready for football season next year?” This is a sentence fragment. You need a subject. You must get ready for football season this year. Put like this, so it has a subject.
“asked those questions more than a hundred times.” It sounds like you counted. Just say. She had thought of her past so many times or something similar.
Tell the reader why Aries liked white; was it because it made her feel peaceful?
..” barely remembered, but she could have sworn the wind helped guide her back to her family.” Tell the reader how the wind helped guide her. They will want to know.
“Cheer leading squad? Oh! Yeah. Cool.” Watesha had forgotten she’d tried out. She had tried out only because Aries had. She would have never been a cheerleader…
Are you sure about this? Cheer leading is special. No one forgets they the tryouts. I was a cheerleader and i never forgot. You could say that cheer leading didn’t mean as much to Watesha as it did to Aries, okay?
I was engaged in this story. It has potential. I like your description of how the water curved. i also like the fact that you are using your imagination. You have created an adoption mystery which tells me you know what makes a story interesting. I’ll bet you did well in English lit classes. I wait to see more. Good luck, Sandi
_Marybeth_ reviewed Version 2 -
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This still needs some work. I really do love the whole story line and what it’s about. But maybe you need to elaborate more on conversations, or descriptions on people and places. Maybe if you have an argument between Aries and Watesha about the powers, the whole “oh yeah I believe you, I’m not skeptical” deal isn’t good. The storyline is going by too fast for me. Also, I think spacing out these two chapters would be nice; this is just too much information for only two chapters. You find out that Aries and Watesha were both adopted and in the same way-Both in blankets. You find out about Watesha’s powers, and the whole elaboration concept comes into play here. By using this you space out events, and make the reader read more to get the information they want. My suggestions would be to have an argument between Watesha and Aries about the whole power thing, and (depending on how long until cheerleading camp) Aries will understand about her and Watesha’s powers at cheerleading camp. And try to elaborate on the look of the fountain, or the girls’ rooms.
I do like the storyline, and I look foward to reading more .
1Nevermind1 reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this, your narrative is quick-moving and keeps the reader interested with the action. :) Your dialogue is excellent, you know exactly who’s speaking.
However – You might want to go into a bit more detail at certain points for example: “Watesha grabbed Aries’ hand and pulled her over to the fountain. She showed Aries how she could control the water without touching it. A stream of water swirled around Watesha’s hand.” So maybe you should change the order of sentences there, or get rid of the ‘she showed Aries how she could move the water without touching it.’
I think you use their names a bit too often as well. When they’re together that’s fair enough, but you’d probably be better off using ‘she’ more often.
You have great potential, and a good idea :D
martykate reviewed Version 2 -
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Aries had always thought Helen was beautiful too. I’d leave out the “too” here,
it’s not really neccessary.
So Aries now lived with just her… Again, leave out the “So” in the beginning of the sentence. I have a bad habit of doing this to, using and, but, so, etc. Your sentences will flow more smoothly if you learn to not do this.
I can kind of see where this is going. I would imagine that there will be two more girls who have power over earth and fire.
This story has a magical quality, but the writing is lacking a little in maturity. Keep at it though. I’d like to see how you develop it.
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