Poetry / Daze O' Mind Free

That is the perfect writing mood.  When you are dazed and not paying much attention to what you are writing.  You just write and before you know it, pages have been filled.  Good little piece of work.  Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing.

I like your writing.
It’s good and it makes you think and try to look beyond the words and look for the story behind the story.

I don’t see a lot of new ideas here. I’d experiment a little more with your modified ellipsis; right now it just looks out of place. Speaking of out of place, the “sittin’” is the one dialectized word in this poem. The second verse is probably the best part, as you avoid the common “smokin’” cliches.

Thanks for the mood and  word creation in “dazed zones of inner dreams”..fantastic! I enjoyed the read

While I am not a big fan of this type of poetry as far as subject matter…It is somewhat nicely told although can use some improvement, a little tweaking of some of the words could be helpful.  ”Little attention spans” is not the strongest line…Also I don’t know that you want to use “living room” twice, you might vary the way you describe the room as that doesn’t really add to the piece.  I don’t really like the use of the word “utter” at the end.  With a little work this could be a stronger piece.

So….being an avid smoker myself….kudos. The structure was awesome. I was able to pause where I felt I should have and enjoy what it was that I had read up to that point. I think anyone who dabbles in talking with the chief will have a true appreciation for this; but on the flip-side you can expect to get negative feedback from the general public as well. Which in my opinion is equally as good.

I couldn’t find any grammatical errors and this is the first piece of the night which I feel is good as is. again….kudos.

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January 05, 2009

by cimak

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
77	70.5% (61 votes)	15.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	M	New Bern, NC	May 21

i am really surprised that im getting good reviews
with this piece mainly for the reason that you mentioned because of the topic
but secondly i usually get alot of structural criticism on something unedited
thank you very much

February 01, 2009

by Beer_and_Poetry

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135	88.9% (81 votes)	37.1%

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24	M	Kokomo, IN	July 12

No problem…just doing my part in this crazy urbis world.

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I don’t smoke the stuff myself but you definately brought me into the room with you. I like this line “clock ticks each invisible second” and “dazed zones of inner dreams.” I also liked the progression of rolled, flame, smoke and how the last line just blends into this progression completing the last line. I think it is a very creative expression of this experience. Nice work.

Whoa,

That’s pretty trippy and I love it!  It is hard to capture those kind of feelings and moments with words and have the ability to convey them to an audience where everyone understands.

You do this with wonderful ease!  Well done!

Bravo!

-Michael

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January 04, 2009

by cimak

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
77	70.5% (61 votes)	15.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	M	New Bern, NC	May 21

wow im surprised to get this review i get slammed alot for simple pieces like this
thank you

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I dig it. I love how you say “or dazed zones of inner dreams”, though when you say “little attention spans” before that, I think it would just sound better if you took out the word little, but it doesn’t make a huge difference. Also, i don’t like how you say someone in “someone stares off”. Also I don’t really get the why you have ellipses but, whatever. Well written

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January 04, 2009

by cimak

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
77	70.5% (61 votes)	15.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	M	New Bern, NC	May 21

thank you
i will really take into consideration about your suggestions

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Nice attempt, a tough thing to portray, even in a poem.  There’s a good hook in the title.  So many titles about getting stoned are a turn off or feel immature, this one at least gave the illusion of careful thought (though it could have been gibberish at the time :) ).

I don’t think you need the extended periods.  The references were clear, and it may be more elegant to allow the reader his/her own impressions.  

“we watch…the wall”  Great line, kinda sums it up.

“music becomes….”  Another great line, both true and mocking, the razor’s edge of getting stoned.

The last line is a bit soft.  It felt like you were building toward some conclusion. In hindsight, though, that is what happens.  I suppose it couldn’t end any other way.