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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Vampyre's Moon: Book I (chapter 1) (Analysis)
"No!" I yelled.
"Why not?" My best friend, Jackie whined.
"Because I said so! Now stop trying to force me because you know I'm gonna say no anyway."
My friends were going to a club not to far from the college. They wanted me to go along with them since they thought that I never had fun.
"Come on! You're 19! You don't live with your mom anymore! You could do whatever you want! And I think you want to leave with me and the others to the club. . . Besides, it's a teen club . . . 16 through 19."
"I don't care if it's a teen club or a club where you have to sneak in to, I'm not going so don't ask anymore," I said.
"God. You sound just like my mother," she said, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest.
"God. You sound just like a baby."
Jackie let out a huge sigh and dropped down on her knees on the bare wooden floor.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked.
"Jackie! Hurry up! My feet are getting tired!" Sophie, our friend, yelled from downstairs.
Jackie sighed again and rolled her eyes. She looked at me with a blank expression and said, "I'm begging . . . What else would I be doing?" I furrowed my face with confusion as I waited what was to come of this. "Please! Please, please, please, please, please, ple-"
"Alright! I'll go! Are you happy now!? My God." I shouted over her, rolling my eyes and crossing my arms in annoyance.
"Yes! Finally! I swear, if you didn't say yes to that, I was gonna bring the tears next," Jackie said in a matter-of-fact tone as she got up from the floor. She took my wrist forcing me to unlock my arms and pulled me out of my dorm. I grabbed the door knob and slammed the door shut as we ran down the rugged staircases and through the hallways, not even taking a chance to breathe.
I always thought that Jackie should've joined the track team during our high school years since she was like the fastest person on campus, but she always said no.
We made it to the main lobby and there I saw my other friends: Todd, Sophie, and Dylan. They stared at us as we entered the lobby.
"So you're coming with us, huh?" Soph asked, crossing her arms (she always had a problem with her attitude with me).
"Took me some convincing," I looked over at Jackie and she blushed, "but yeah I'm coming."
"Finally. Usually, you're up in your room studying for . . . nothing," Todd shrugged.
Todd was this really tall guy with light brown shaggy hair and chestnut colored eyes. His skin was tanned, like he just came from the beach, and he had a wide chest filled with muscle and all the other good stuff. I've known him since I was three years old. He was the best friend everybody wanted: trustworthy, honest, sweet, sincere, hilariously funny, and . . . a true friend.
I smiled at him as I rolled my eyes and shook my head playfully.
"Shut up, Todd. Go get the car," Jackie demanded.
"Well somebody's cranky!" Todd said, pretending to be in complete shock. Jackie arched a perfectly done eyebrow at him and crossed her arms. "Alright, alright. I was just kidding, gosh."
Todd left and Jackie dropped her intimidating stance. Everybody was silent. Looks like no one is used to having me around, I thought. I looked around the lobby and examined what everyone was wearing.
Sophie was wearing extremely high heeled strapies, a black miniskirt, and a pink shirt so tight that if you looked closely enough, you could see the sweat slowly forming. Dylan wore faded blue jeans, a dark blue t-shirt, and a collared light blue shirt on top.
It's sort of embarrassing to say, but I used to have the biggest crush on Dylan during our junior year of high school. He was so cute-with his dirty blonde curly hair, deep brown eyes, and a muscular body just like Todd's. But then, Jackie and her big mouth, told him, and he started acting like an asshole ever since. He asked me out a week after he found out and I proudly turned him down-not like that ever stopped him.
I looked down at myself. I wore gray skinny jeans, my black and Converse, and a black t-shirt. I felt like an outsider, so I looked at Jackie who wore a jean miniskirt and a green t-shirt. She wore her black flats and those transparent tights. Okay, it's official . . . I'm completely dressed out of occasion, I thought.
Dylan stared at me-I realized-and winked at me when I looked at him. A chill went down my spine as I glanced over to Jackie, who looked back at me. She gave me a smirk and darted her eyes at Dylan. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest.
"So . . . " Sophie began.
"My God! Sophie, do you think you'll be able to walk in those shoes?!" Jackie cried, pointing at Sophie's strapies.
"Yes. As a matter of fact-yes I do," she said lifting her chin up.
"Since when?" I asked.
"Since this morning,okay? I've been practicing since this morning. I could not enter a club looking like an idiot," Soph said, checking her nails.
"So you haven't taken those shoes off since you woke up?" Dylan asked, a disgusted look on his face.
"Of course I have. I had to take a shower right?" Jackie and I looked at each other with a small smirk on our faces. We heard a car honk outside. I looked out through the glass doors and saw Todd in the driver's seat, waving at us to get in the car. "Ugh. Finally! I get the front seat!" Sophie said as she tried to run to get to the car, but tripped along the way. We all broke out laughing. "That's not funny!" Sophie yelled at Dylan. She smacked him on the arm and walked to the car with her hands clenched in fists at her sides.
"I'm not the only one that's laughing!" Dylan yelled back, pointing at Jackie and me. We laughed even louder as we entered the car.
As soon as I closed the door to the silver Volvo, Todd hit the engine and we were gone. I looked to my left and there was Dylan, still laughing at Sophie.
"Shut the hell up, Dylan! No wonder people still call you a little puppy," Sophie said from the front seat. This automatically stopped Dylan's cackling. His face became filled with fury as he sunk back in the seat. Okay . . . I now know to never call Dylan a 'puppy', i thought. I looked at the rear view mirror through my window and saw Sophie give me a triumphant smile. I shook my head slowly with a small smirk on my lips and turned my attention to the outside.
"I hope Craig goes. I haven't seen him since last week," Jackie said, trying to break the silence.
"Is he going to be there?" I asked.
"I don't know. . . I hope so."
Craig is Jackie's boyfriend and they've been together for exactly three years. I'm proud of Craig-since dealing with Jackie isn't the easiest person in the world.
"Why would he meet you in a club?" Sophie suddenly asked.
"Because that's where I'm going?! And because I told him?!" Jackie rolled her eyes.
"Don't roll your eyes at me! I was just asking!"
"Okay, but that was an obvious question."
"Are you calling me stupid?" Sophie yelled.
Here we go again, I thought. Dylan sighed, releasing some anger as Todd tried to hide a smile. He looked up at the mirror and caught my eye. He chuckled and wiped his face with his face, still trying-but failing-to hide his smile. I chuckled and felt Dylan relax next to me. I stared out the window.
"So . . . what's up?" Dylan asked me, trying to ignore the argument behind us,
"Nothing much. What's up with you?" I asked, my pulse racing.
"Well I was going to ask you . . . Do you want to be my date to the club?" He asked. I stared at him with an arched eyebrow. "Come on, you owe me that much. You know that I still care for you right?" I shook my head, let out a sigh, and looked back out the window. Dylan nudged me. "Please, Kelsey?"
"No," I said without looking at him.
"Why not?" He whined.
"Because I know you're gonna get drunk, and then you're gonna do something stupid, which is gonna make me look like an idiot. I know you already Dylan. I'm not stupid." I looked at him when I said this as Jackie and Sophie stopped arguing.
Dylan looked hurt. His eyebrows furrowed as he stared at me as if he were holding back tears. Guilt began to flow through me, but quickly vanished when Sophie spoke.
"Anyways, we're going to have so much fun!" She exclaimed. She obviously forgot about the argument and-thankfully-ended my conversation.
"Oh yeah! Kelsey, you're totally going to dance with us!" Jackie cried, clapping her hands softly.
"Yeah, okay," I said sarcastically, still annoyed at Dylan.
"Come on, Kels. Lighten up!" Sophie said, pulling the mirror down above her and started to apply eyeshadow.
"I bet she'd rather be in her dorm studying," Todd suddenly blurted out, looking at me through the mirror with a giant smirk on his lips.
"Yes. Yes I would," I said, actually thankful for Todd's comment.
"Ugh! Kels, you're such a nerd," Jackie said, looking out her window. Dylan leaned over and whispered in my ear, "A very cute nerd."
I rolled my eyes and looked out the window. We passed a young couple who made their intertwined hands swing back and forth. The pretty girl laughed and the cute guy smiled. All of a sudden, I remembered my previous relationship. His name was Matt and he was my very first boyfriend. I remember how happy he made me feel, the way he used to touch me with his gentle hands, and the way his lips felt when they touched mine. I remembered when he told me that he loved me and when I told him that I loved him in return. But the month after, we had to break up since we were going to different colleges. He was going to some university in New York City and I'm going to Dartmouth in New Hampshire.
The car suddenly stopped.
"We're here!" Jackie said excitedly.
"Let's go party!" Sophie joined in. I opened the car door and stepped outside. I was facing what looked like an abandoned building with broken windows and faded bricks.
"Yes we're at the right place," Todd said, coming up from behind me. I jumped out of fright and grinned when I saw that he was smiling.
"How did you that I-What?" I asked. I was so confused just then, but again Todd chuckled and pointed to his temple.
"I got brains."
"Oh shut up! I got more brains than you!" I defended, laughing. Todd laughed along and patted my head.
"It's okay, Kels. Not everyone could be as smart as me," he said sarcastically. I laughed again.
"Move Dylan!" Jackie shouted. Dylan looked at her and I could've sworn I heard him growl. He got out of the car and was followed by Jackie, who was more excited than any of us. Sophie came after her, slammed the door shut, and continued working on her makeup. "Look at the text message Craig sent me!" Jackie cried, literally jumping to me and showed me the text. It read:
BABE IM HERE @ THE CLUB WAITING 4 U
=)
"Aw! He came!" I said, rereading the message one more time.
"Right?! Now we have to get inside, like, now!" Jackie pulled on Sophie's wrist as she was putting her eyeliner away. "Come on, Soph! Let's go find him!"
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This 485 word review has not been unlocked.
alright. To start off, it’s a good read.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.
following the flow of conversation before this line, you really should make so that its more demanding. That’s how I see that happening.
(she always had a problem with her attitude with me).
so why are sophie and kelsey friends?
“Took me some convincing,” I looked / take out me and the dialogue makes sense
my black and Converse/my black what?
I’m proud of Craig-since dealing with Jackie isn’t the easiest person in the
you’re missing something between dealing with and Jackie. fill it in. for your age this is a well written piece. Keep up the good work, though I’m not much older than you.
- add/view comments (1)
“God. You sound just like my mother
“God, You sound just like my mother
“God. You sound just like a baby.”
“God, You sound just like a baby.”
This was a good introduction, I would have liked to see more description of the characters environment. What kind of car were they in? What was the temperature like? etc.
I suggest that you move the descriptions of the character’s (their clothing, hair color etc) closer to when they enter the story. That way, we can begin to picture who they are as we follow the dialogue. It’s easier for the reader to become immersed in the story and the characters if they can picture the character that is talking. I enjoyed the banter between your characters, it shows their relationships with one another.
Another suggestion is to use italics when Kelsey is “thinking” and not narrating. It would make it easier to follow and understand our narrator.
Lastly, I suggest you rethink the club’s age limit. Usually it is either 18 and over or 17 and under. Most cities try not to mix adult’s with minor’s due the legal issues that may arise from them mingling together.
Good start! I am curious to see how their club experience turns out.
club not to far
*too
Right after that, you say “the college”, maybe change it to our college, because as a reader we don’t know what the college is. But if it’s “our college” we can just assume that it’s the school they go to. If they aren’t meant to be college age, you could also make it “to the local college” so we can reference it like that as well.
you want to leave with me
*to go with me
as I waited what was
*waited for what
wrist forcing me to unlock my arms and pulled me
wrist, forcing…arms, and
When Todd says gosh… I dunno, do guys say gosh?
Dylan stared at me-I realized-and winked at me when I looked at him.
I’d reword this to something like: I realized Dylan was staring at me and when I looked at him, he winked back.
a ‘puppy’, i
*I
proud of Craig-since
Craig, since
Other than that, I didn’t spot many errors. Just because you were inspired by a movie to write this doesn’t devalue it. As long as you make it your own, it doesn’t really matter what sparked the idea. I think you have a pretty good grasp on your characters and where you want them to go. But I have to agree with Kelsey, I’d rather be at home studying! Hope this review helps.
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