The bleak landscape sprawled out before Remus in a mix of browns and greys. The dirty hue of rust dominated his view. He felt the coarseness, the dry age of this place down into his very bones. The dust that swirled lazily through the air could be tasted even through the several layers he used to cover his mouth. The rags offered little protection and chaffed at his skin. He put up with the irritation, choosing it over having sand between his teeth. The heavy coat that covered the rest of his form also had a hood and high collar, but still didn't manage to cancel out the invasiveness of the dirt completely. The goggles that covered his eyes were also a necessity. He'd have to put up with them obscuring his view.
The sunset stained the sky dramatically, leaking through the overbearing cloud cover. It looked to be rain, come out of the southlands again. He didn't much fancy the idea of rain adding to his list of discomforts, but there was nothing for it. He wouldn't be here to begin with if he had a choice in the matter.
He stood on a huge pile of scrap metal, slightly taller than the other surrounding mounds. It offered him vantage enough to peer into the West, into the sunset, and into the ground he would have to cover before the sun decided to show its face again.
As far as he could see scrap metal, junk and debris dominated the landscape. Ancient wrecks, mostly reclaimed to land and eager hand, stood sporadically placed throughout the fields. Silhouetted by the sunset and long picked clean by those come before Remus, they bore a resemblance to skeletons in his mind. Far too large to belong to anything natural. Even ships and buildings were dwarfed by some of the shapes on the horizon.
No one knew the origins of the fields. They were so expansive and so filled with the wreckage of the past that no reasonable explanation existed, or at least none that Remus knew of. He grimaced as he looked to the East. Back they way they had come.
Dimitri stumbled noisily up to where Remus was standing. Remus lowered the scope from his eyes for a moment to regard his brother. The wiry youth had an imposing stare, but little else about him seemed in any way intimidating. Dimitri stood clad similarly to Remus, in the overly large hooded coat. Make shift rags covered his face and he wore goggles identical to his brother’s.
Remus sighed at his younger brother before quirking an eyebrow and giving him a silent grin. He wasn't sure if Dimitri could make out his expression through all the covers, but for whatever reason Dimitri glowered at him angrily.
Neither of them were happy to be out here in the fields tonight. Lack of choices had driven them to try find pickings out here in the no man's land between the squallor and Imperial borders.
Looking back at his brother, he could see the squallor splayed out in the distance. A shanty town built up in the ruins of some older, much greater, city, of which most had been destroyed before being covered by the fields. When the empire had started its march across the Southlands, shortly after taking the plains all the way up to the Eastern divide, she had released the squallor from her hold. The idea was that anyone seeking freedom from the ideals and demands of imperial life could do so in the squalor, a place claiming to be without imperial influence or control, a farce that didn't even bother with a decent lie.
The squallor was a stain on an already tainted landscape. The Empire had granted unto the squallor the fields directly surrounding it, but no other land. Landlocked by the Empire, the squallor had no choice but to trade with her for the supplies it needed. The only thing it could offer in return were the services of artisans who had foolishly sought asylum here.
There weren't even many of those left in the region anymore. This left most people to start scavenging from the now off-limits more outlying fields surrounding the squallor.
Exactly the situation Remus and his brother now found themselves in. In order to pay debts, and simply survive, they would have to find something valuable out here in the nothings. On top of this they would have to hope and pray that they would find someone willing to buy it back in the squallor.
Remus didn't much like thinking about what might happen once they returned with whatever they might find. He needed to focus on the task at hand; he needed to get himself and his brother through this alive. The squallor was a dangerous place enough, but the stretches of scrap immediately surrounding it, just outside its borders, were a different story altogether. The land was regularly patrolled by the empire, looking for any illegal scavenging activity.
It wasn't exactly clear what the empire did to scavengers it found on its borders. The strong were taken and never heard from again, where as the weak were stripped of everything and left to die. Very few made it back to the squallor, and even those who did would be victimised on their return. The idea and immediate risk of getting caught wasn't painting a pretty picture in Remus' mind.
Dimitri still shrugged it off in a desperate sort of way. It might have been safer to leave the youth in the squallor, but where? The last few contacts Remus had held onto till this time had gone sour; turned their backs on him when the supplies ran dry. In all honesty there wasn't anywhere safe for either of them back in the squalor; unless they brought something shiny back to make the predators happy.
Remus clenched his teeth suddenly at the thought and directed the agression at moving forward. Dust curled up in his wake as he slid and half skipped down the Western side of the mound. Trying not to disturb the scrap too much, or injure himself on an unseen gap in the strange terrain. Dimitri followed, but more cautiously.
The ground itself, if you could even call it that, was unwelcoming out in the fields. The soil beneath had been tainted by centuries of harsh chemicals leaking and draining off the scrap. Rust and pieces of decaying metal had mixed in with the unwelcoming coarse sand to make a strange, lifeless land between the mounds and skeletal behemoths.
There was a quiet thrill that tried to make itself known in Remus as he pressed forward; a hope of discovering something new, the joy of exploration. Even if the freedom wasn't complete, Remus knew well that the fields held many secrets. Perhaps he would find something to pique his interest. It would be a welcome escape from whatever else wanted a piece of him.
Grinning to himself without realising it, Remus continued on, his pace quickened slightly.
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This 258 word review has not been unlocked.
“Heavy coat..” ‘also’ is unnecessary because this is the first mention of the coat. I also suggest replacing ”, but” with “that” and leave out “still”, as those words suggest a comparison where none is made.
“Make-shift”
“Squallor” is the formal name of a territory, and as such should be capitalized. A couple of times you spelled it with one l. Be consistent with capitalizing place names.
If Remus is looking at Dimitri, how is it he’s seeing into the distance?
“off limits more outlying” is awkward. You follow by describing the layout of the land, so you can safely do away with ‘more outlying’.
Why do people migrate to the Squallor if it’s such a dangerous/desolate/destitute/god-awful place to live? It’s supposed to be for people wanting to escape the Empire, however you said that everyone knew it was a lie. Two suggestions: Make the lie believable, or make the Squallor a place of exiles to live out their sentences.
You have an interesting piece in the works.
before i begin, im going to draw your attention to these lines:
“There weren’t even many of those left in the region anymore. This left most people to start scavenging from the now off-limits more outlying fields surrounding the squallor.”
the first line there would fit well with the paragraph before it, the second desperately needs to be cut. for the most part this is a wonderfully imagined piece with a solid voice, but here, with that one line and the next paragraph that follows, the story is broken as you (the author) stepped out onto the stage to explain things to the reader. one way around this is to add some type of feeling to the text instead of just saying it, make it something important to the character.
now, on the whole, i loved the imagery and mood but was a bit dissapointed in the lack of any real conflict. you do have a real knack for setting the scene, which is a feat in itself, but to get a real feel for your style id like to see a little more on the side of developement. all that really happens here is the introduction of two characters, a little worldbuilding, and the foreshadowing of tension. now, how did each of those go? introduction of characters was ok, but id call it a bit bland. one is glowering but we arent sure why, theres no dialouge at all, and (in a nutshell) i just dont know all that much about their character. the worldbuilding was fantastic, in such a limited space you introduced a ton of information that flowed well and informed without being boreish or wordy. you have definately earned my envy with that. also, the tension was very well played. you put just enough emphasis on the pitfalls of this world that the danger feels genuinely iminant.
so, all thats to say i really did like this. a nice little opener, somewhat flawed but in every way workable. let me know if you decide to post anymore.
~WSR
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