Poetry / Endless Night (Analysis)

I love this line:
“I raise my head

And see the pretty moon

Shine through the

pulsing gloom of endless

night”

This poem, as it seems to be gothic-ish to me( I’m not sure if that is what you were going for) The overall tone shows an inner secret to the author and leaves the reader guessing what is next.  Very good job.

In the second stanza, first line: is it supposed to be “fetal” lie or “fatal” lie?  I can see from the ending of the stanza itself that you talk of “little toes,” which would make sense for the fetal aspect.  But then because of the whole “tomb” aspect at the end of the first stanza, I get confused as to which would actually be more appropriate, especially since the one stanza is the only time when it gets brought up.  I like the choppiness of the lines for the most part, but I think that there is something taken away from them when there is repitition of certain words.  For instance, though it makes some sense to repeat the word “night” throughout as the title is “Endless Night,” I believe it makes less sense to repeat the word “endless” even the one time.  In order to preserve the integrity of the night as endless, and ultimately empower your final line, try substituting the endless in the second stanza (endless residence) for a word like: infinite, boundless, unbounded, limitless, measureless.  Not only will it convey a the feeling that you are seeking with “endless,” but it will also create new imagery depending on exactly which word you choose.
This is the most important thing you can remember as a poet: you are a wordsmith.  You use the pen as your anvil and your words are the sword to come, but without the proper heat provided by your forge (in this case, a good thesaurus), the sword will lack strength and will dull quickly, or it may be too hard and break from brittleness.  Always choose your words as wisely as you choose your meter and line structure.

“In the sharp glass blackness”—This was probably my favorite line, and it pleases me especially because in came on so early in the poem. You have very, VERY vivid imagery. Another line, “jagged curses”, I think paints the messages very clearly. Throughout the entire poem I find instances of this ultra-vivid word usage, and it’s my favorite aspect of the poem. I just don’t see enough of that anymore.

I also enjoy your play with capitalized words and letters. How you capitalized “Darkness”, as if to personify it.

It’s good. /empties/ did you mean emptiness/I raise my head

And see the pretty moon

Shine through the

pulsing gloom of endless

night

I particularly liked these lines.

One last thought to be mistake I found. /With jagged curses/ did you mean ragged

I like the desription you use in this, but sometimes it seems as if it’s too much.
I’d suggest more punctuation.It was hard to understand where there are pauses and ends of sentances, which makes the piece confusing and less likely to flow.
I’m not sure what your goal was with this, if you wanted it to flow or be choppy though.
If you want I could send you a message with my suggestions in puncuation so it won’t cost you credits. Let me know?
I think tat this has a lot of promise if you look into fixing it up a little.
Good job!
= )

I like the imagery and choice of descriptive words you used.  I can picture myself going through this “endless night.”  I especially like the end where you speak of the “pulsing gloom” of this endless night.  Good work!

I’m not really into emo poetry.  But that doesn’t take away from the fact that it is well done.

I personally think its pretty well done, I just wish it was on a better topic.

I like how you used solace in the poem.  I don’t really think of it as a word lots of people use.

Anyways, keep up the style, I just want to read about something else.

I really this poem. I really liked the words you used. I’ve seen a lot of poems that are similar to these that have really strange words or phrasing of sentences, and I think you did a really good job of saying what you wanted to say in this way…
I don’t know what I can say for criticisms… mostly because I think it’s great the way it is…

I’m not entirely sure what you mean in the very first sentence sharp glass blackness is a little confusing especially for simple minded people like me.  After that I had a hard time reading on.   The rest was okay except for the fetal word I’m not entirely sure what you mean by that other than that it is a good poem picked up on the rest and it was okay