Very much appreciate the kind words. Good to hear that I’m not wasting my time. Thanks for reading!
Humor/Satire / So I Married A Clothes Murderer (Analysis)
I guess it happens in every marriage: A little time passes, people become more relaxed, and certain heretofore suppressed traits inevitably percolate through the filter of politeness. This process is beginning to happen with my marriage. My wife Christi is slowly but surely revealing her true self and it's not pretty.
You see, my wife is a cold-blooded, calculating murderer. She takes sinister delight in killing my clothes.
Like many large-scale atrocities, her crime begins with something small- almost unnoticeable. She starts with a quizzical look followed by a one-word query:
"Honey?" she'll say.
"Uhh, yeah?" I'll reply, knowing quite well that the tumblers of her twisted mind are in full motion.
"Those boxer shorts..."
"What about 'em?" I answer as Springsteen's "Dead Man Walking" starts to play in my head.
"They're looking a little ragged."
"No, they're not." I reply, trying to muster some kind of defense- a futile exercise.
"Honey," she says pointedly "Look at them."
"What? They're fine." I respond, using the old "play dumb" ploy- a usually strong tactic for any husband but in the face of such single-minded malevolence, it is doomed.
"Bill, the fabric is tearing along the waistband."
"But they still fit" I say, using a diversionary tactic. Maybe if I throw out a little misdirection play, she'll go after it- kind of like that scene in The Hunt for Red October when they launch those little green day-glo thingamabobs in hopes of diverting the oncoming torpedo away from its intended target.
"The elastic is showing!" she says. Countermeasures have failed. Red October is hit and sinking like a rock.
"No, it isn't." I answer in my John Cleese voice from Monty Python's old "Argument Clinic" sketch, forgetting the fact that Christi doesn't like Monty Python (see my next blog "So I Married Somebody Who Doesn't Know What's Funny).
"Might be time to get rid of those." Uh-oh. "Might." Classic Wifespeak. In this instance, "might" means "I'm going through your underwear drawer the next time you're not home, finding that pair of boxers, and then viciously tearing them into shreds before throwing them into the dumpster where they'll never be heard from again."
"But, honey, I like these shorts." My last-ditch emotional appeal is, of course, an utterly useless gesture. True evil knows no empathy.
"I don't know..." she replies in that lilting tone only a wife can do.
And then silence- a silence more tense and awful than the conversation which it preceeded. Small details of our surroundings become apparent- the ticking of a clock, the sound of wind passing through a tree just beyond our window, a dog howling in the distance.
And then suddenly, a reprieve!
"Can you grill those hamburgers for dinner tonight?" she asks.
"Ha! A change of subject" I think to myself. "She droppped it! No more talk about getting rid of my boxers!"
I try my very best to suppress the smile that so wants to creep across my face.
"Absolutely, my dear. Hamburgers it is!" I answer, confident in my victory.
"OK, this is good" I think to myself "She'll forget all about my boxers. I've done it! I've spared my shorts from a gruesome, unspeakable fate!"
Oh, foolish, foolish man, far from it. As certain as the sun rising in the East, the next time we're doing laundry, I notice that a familiar old friend is no longer present. A wave of protestation begins to rise within my heart but, alas, I decline to give it voice. No use crying after the foul deed is done. Time to silently mourn and, however difficult it may be, get on with the business of living.
The Ripper has struck again.
And she doesn't limit herself to preying on boxer shorts. No article of clothing is safe from her murderous gaze- pants, belts, t-shirts, and socks also must tread with caution.
(Speaking of socks... Is it only guys that know the Angle-the-sock-so-that-the-hole-isn't-directly-over-the-big-toe trick? Many women are so very frugal and yet, they don't hesitate to murder an otherwise flawlessly functioning sock despite the fact that with a little ingenuity, we can extend that sock's life by a good 2 or 3 years. "Just buy new ones" is the standard female refrain. Right. Let's unnecessarily spend money. That's the answer. Men are from Mars, Women are from Saks Fifth Avenue.)
I'm certain that my wife mercilessly examines my clothes with an electron microscope when I'm not home, ever in search of the slightest imperfection. And upon discovering her next victim, she doesn't just commit her heinous crime right then and there. No, she has to torment me with the inevitable, seemingly innocuous conversation referenced above.
Have you no decency, O wife of mine?
So, single men, consider yourselves warned. Before you jump into the beckoning waters of matrimonial bliss, make sure she doesn't have some dark little secret lurking just below the waterline. You're apt to wake up one morning with nothing to wear. Well, nothing familiar and comfortable, that is.
And they say men can't commit.
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jakuper reviewed Version 1 -
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butterfly323 reviewed Version 1 -
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matthewtrent reviewed Version 1 -
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I have no negative critiques for this piece. By far one of the better pieces in this particular section. The narrative strong, the references timely, the tongue-and-cheek dialogue between husband and wife on point. To finish it off with pithiness, the comparison to saks (hilarious!) then fear of commitment. Kudos! High marks. High praises all around. Keep writing!
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theonedatewonder reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved this!!! You have a knack of painting a very vivid picture, i absolutely love love love you’re writing!!! i think if married life was potrayed in such a comical way, more people would get married and stay married. Laughter is the best medicine!
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Loved it.
fit” I say, (comma missing)
preceeded = preceded
subject” I think (comma missing)
“She droppped it! (intentional surplus of Ps?)
good” I think to myself “She’ll (comma and period missing)
I like the play on Men are from Mars title. Nice. And, yes, I am a man because I know how to position the hole in the sock. Great (and humorous) observation.
Excellent ending. You could have played with the idea a bit more throughout the story (e.g. love for a favorite pair of boxers).
slenderpanther reviewed Version 1 -
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love it… I will turn into your wife? Thats cool.. But whats with the socks thing? jjust uy new ones… or learn how to sew… they’ll last for years then…
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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the conversation which it preceeded. -> the conversation which preceded.
As certain as the sun rising in the East, – I would cut this entire part – too overdone and not needed here.
I notice that a familiar old friend – lose “familiar”- it’s redundant as a friend is always familiar. You could use “certain” instead.
Loved the style, sarcasm mixed with real life experiences – does the job. Great movie and music references.
Only one minor detail: when you said “Let’s unnecessarily spend money” – I would think that it’s more the horror of having to go shopping rather than those few bucks spent on socks that makes men appreciate their socks so.
What can I say, 10s all the way, straight to favorites, you’ve made my day.
a_sooner_girl reviewed Version 1 -
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Loved it! The only suggestion I have is to take the part out where you mention the Monty Python and the next blog. I think it interrupts the flow a bit. Maybe you could add more? I loved the exaggeration and the references to The Hunt for Red October. Thanks for sharing!
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