Thanks for the review. I’m glad enjoyed the first half of chapter twenty. Thank you for your encouraging words!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Twenty and Recaps (Analysis)
Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.
Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.
Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.
Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious.
Chapter Five –Lauriana grows finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari, her serious boyfriend at home.
Chapter Six – After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.
Chapter Seven –Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow.
Chapter Eight –The Master insists Martika work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.
Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.
Chapter Ten –Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.
Chapter Eleven – Martika, arrives at the Keep claiming to be betrothed to Mikell. Mikell tells Lauriana some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.
Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana meets The Master.
Chapter Thirteen – Lauriana awakens from a nightmare about The Master. He leaves the imprint of his hand burned into her arm. Mikell also had a dream involving The Master. The Master is shaken by the encounter with Lauriana. The party leaves for the quest.
Chapter Fourteen – Lauriana has a close encounter with ogres. Mikell and Lauriana’s dreams are invaded by The Master. The words “You Are Mine” are burned into Lauriana’s arm. The Master can track them by the burn.
Chapter Fifteen – The Master stares at a mysterious portrait of a woman who died 800 years ago. Lauriana’s wound continues to get worse and needs treatment soon. They decide to go to Tandril’s home. (An elven village). Lauriana takes a knife with her to bed and stabs The Master in her dreams.
Chapter Sixteen – The Master is angered by Lauriana stabbing him, and he makes her sicker. The Master Healer at the elven village hates humans and refuses to allow the healing. Heartbroken the party prepares to leave and is stopped by Maurenthia, a young elven healer who offers to heal Lauriana. After the healing Lauriana must fight The Master in her dreams to drive him from her mind. After three days she’s still unconscious. Petrick has an idea that might help and enlists Jenessa’s help.
Chapter Seventeen – Lauriana fights her way out of The Master’s dream world and wakes up free if the poison. She discovers The Master wants her to have his child so he can become invincible. Petrick doesn’t return from the dream world in time and Zeke frees him. Lauriana and Mikell argue and later come to an understanding. Mikell has a surprise for Lauriana.
Chapter Eighteen – Lauriana rests a few days in the elven village. Mikell decided to ask Lauriana to be his wife. Ash discovers that The Master needs an heir before the fall of the next year. If she can stay out of his clutches by the winter solstice she’ll be able to go home. Lauriana agrees to marry Mikell, and then has a fight with Marcus. Zeke says the planet are aligning in such a way tonight that he can send Lauriana home, but she will never be able to return. Unable to decide Lauriana runs from the hall.
Chapter Nineteen – Lauriana decides to stay because she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t help Mikell’s world. She finds out the Ari was going to propose the day she was transported to this world. Because she doesn’t think she’ll ever see Ari again she marries Mikell. The elven healer acts suspicious and insists on leaving with the party. The party sets out for the Arcane Mountains. Tandril questions the healer’s behavior.
Chapter Twenty (First half)
-1-
Lauriana fought the urge to slump over in the saddle. They had been riding hard for two weeks and her whole body ached. Soon it’d be time to walk the horses again. The bitter cold stung her face, but at least the snows held off. They’d left the hills behind a few days ago and now were in the depths of a forest. The sun barely filtered through the thick trees (mostly fir) that crowded the trail. The bushes and trees were so dense, she couldn’t make anything out as she peered into the shadows looking for any threat. Each snap from a dry twig under a horse’s hoof made her pulse quicken. The mournful squawks of the birds unnerved her.
The Master was out there looking for her. She couldn’t even begin to comprehend what he was capable of. How many different forms could he take? Now that he was out of her dreams what other ways would he find to torment her? How many men did he have searching for her? Maybe it was better she didn’t know. These thoughts gave her all the incentive she needed to keep going. She wanted to find him before he could find her. She couldn’t shake the feeling that time was running out. She cherished every moment she had with Mikell. He’d eased up a little since they left Goldenesca, but she could tell he had a lot weighing on his mind. He did a good job of hiding it, but she could see it in his eyes.
She looked over at Marcus and he turned his head away. He spent much of his time brooding since they left the elves. He was still angry about the fight they’d this morning. She wasn’t even sure what it had been about. She moved her horse closer to his. Marcus dug his heels into his horse and the black mare bolted up ahead. Why did she even bother trying to get through to him?
Petrick and Tandril entertained Jenessa and Winnie as they rode along. The sisters couldn’t learn enough when it came to what Petrick and Tandril had to teach. Sheridan was in an unusually good mood; no one knew why, but they didn’t want to risk asking him. The last time someone asked him why he was in a good mood, it put him in a foul mood for three days.
Lauriana let out a sigh when they rode through the tall iron gates of Traverse City. She wrinkled her face as the smell of booze and rotting garbage wafted by her nose. The overcast sky didn’t help. An endless stream of cutthroats and petty thieves filled narrow muddy streets under an overcast sky, most of them drunk. She shivered. Real bed or not she’d be glad to be out of this town. This was their last chance to buy winter gear and more supplies before they entered the pass to the mountains, and their last chance for a decent meal and a real bed.
Mikell warned everyone not to wander off alone. They tied the horses tied to posts at the edge of town and left their packs with Sledge and Sheridan while the others went into the shops. Zeke, Ash, and Petrick went to a special shop to buy some herbs and magic components. The rest of the party went with Mikell to buy gear and supplies. He stopped in front of a large weathered wooden building, sorely in need of new paint job. Lauriana wondered what color the building had been in it’s hay day. There weren’t enough chips of paint left to tell. She could just make out the faded green letters on a large sign out front, Supply & Tackle.
Lauriana immediately liked the shopkeeper, a pleasant older man. He was also large imposing, but to deal with the likes of the men she saw in streets, he’d have to be. He kept his shop neat and clean despite the main clientele and filth in the streets. The man gave Mikell a broad smile and shook his hand.
“Master Riverside, it be good to see ye again. Ye’ve not stopped here in some time.”
“Master Hartford it’s good to see you too. My absence was only because I haven’t traveled through here in years, not because I’ve taken my business elsewhere.”
The man grinned. “I’ve told ye many times, call me Jeremiah. Ye’re not running out of quests or people to help are ye?”
Mikell leaned in closer to Master Hartford. “Actually, I am hoping that I’m on my last quest. I plan to retire soon.”
Master Hartford winked at him. “Did the decision to retire have something to do with one of these young ladies?”
Mikell put an arm around Lauriana and brought her forward. “I’d like you to meet my wife, Lauriana.”
“Wife?” He slapped Mikell on the back. “Ye sly dog. I didn’t know ye had it in ye! An honor to meet ye, Lady Riverside. I hope a beautiful woman like ye will do yer best to make an honest man out of this scoundrel.”
She couldn’t help but crack a smile. “I’ll do my best.” He gave her a strange look. “Is there something wrong?”
“Ye look familiar to me. Any chance ye’ve been through these parts before?”
“None.”
“Master Hartford has helped me out of trouble a few times,” Mikell said. “In repayment, I have always given him my business. He’s one of the few honest shop owners in this city.”
“I keep the supplies for my special customers in the back,” Master Hartford said.
Mikell squeezed Lauriana’s elbow. “I won’t be long. Stay in the shop.” He followed Master Hartford into the backroom.
Marcus and Tandril stepped outside to watch the people in the streets. The women talked quietly among themselves. Lauriana looked over at the door as three disheveled crude looking men entered the shop. The tall burly one spit on the floor, stopped in front of the four women and put his hands on his hips. His two friends joined him.
“What we got here?” the big burly one asked.
The tall skinny one grinned. “Looks like we got some lonely ladies.”
“I think we could help them out,” the third man said.
“We do not need your help with anything,” Maurenthia snapped.
Lauriana stepped in front of her cousins. “I think it’d be best if you just moved on.”
“Can’t expect a dog to move on when he’s got fine looking bitches in his sight in need of a good screw,” the big one said.
“A dog would, no doubt, be better in bed than you.”
The smile fell away and his face filled with menace. “What’d you say?”
Lauriana fixed her eyes like steel and gripped the hilt of her sword. “You heard me.”
He burst out laughing. “Is that so?” The big one patted one of the others on the back. “You have to admit she’s got spunk.” He reached out to grab her behind. She shifted out of his reach. “I love it when they play hard to get.”
He caught her around the waist. She drove her elbow into his gut. When he cried out and loosened his grip, she spun out of his grasp. He lunged at her. She dropped to the floor, stuck her leg out and tripped him. Lauriana sprang to her feet. The ring of steel filled the air as she drew her sword. She slammed her foot down on his chest and put the tip of her blade to his throat.
She heard Mikell and Master Hartford returning. She took her sword back and the tall skinny one helped the large man to his feet. The large man sneered. “You better hope, I don’t catch you alone somewhere.” The three men slipped out the door.
“Would ye like me to send yer supplies over to the inn when I have them together?” Master Hartford asked.
Mikell rubbed his chin. “No. We’ll wait. We want to get back on the road as soon as possible.”
Master Hartford’s jovial face turned serious. “The weather seer says there be a big storm brewing due to hit late this afternoon. The pass will become treacherous.”
Mikell sighed. He hadn’t counted on this delay, but it was simply too risky to try to get through the pass during a storm. “Send everything over to the Shooting Star.”
“I’m afraid that inn closed up about a year ago. The only inn ye’ll find in town now be The Lonely Lady.”
“Send our supplies there then.”
-2-
The last place Mikell wanted to stay was at The Lonely Lady. Sometimes no matter how hard you tried to put the past behind you it crept back into your life. He looked around the room. The inn hadn’t changed much in the past five years. The rooms were clean and dry, but had little else to offer. He looked at Lauriana sitting on the small bed. Her hair was messed and she looked travel weary, but was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. His heart ached for her.
“I’m going downstairs to the common room to check out the area. I want you to stay here.”
She wrinkled up her brow. “Why?”
“The crowd looks a little rough tonight. I don’t want you anywhere near those men.”
“I’ve been around rough crowds before.”
He sat down next to her on the bed and took her hand in his. “Please, just do as I ask this time.”
She studied him for a long moment. “All right.”
Lauriana knew there was something else going on. No doubt, he didn’t want her around the men downstairs, but she was sure that there was some other reason he didn’t want her to go down to the common room. What could it be?
A knock on the door startled her out of her thoughts. She opened the door and recognized Selina, the woman who had given them the rooms for the night. Mikell said she and her father owned and ran the inn. The woman’s eyes widen.
“Is there a problem?”
“No.” Selina brushed a strand of long dark auburn hair away from her face. “I wanted to speak with Mikell. I thought this was his room.” She scanned the room with violet eyes. The combination of her eye color and her long dark hair gave her an exotic look.
Lauriana nodded. “It is. He went down to the common room. What do you need to talk to him about?”
Selina frowned. “I will try to find him downstairs.” She cast one last look at Lauriana as if she were appraising livestock and left.
Lauriana felt a knot form in her stomach. She didn’t know what this woman wanted with her husband, but was going to find out whether her husband wanted her to leave the room or not.
-3-
When Mikell reached the common room, Selina wasn’t there. He needed to find her and make sure she didn’t stir up trouble. Last time they saw each other, he didn’t leave on the best terms. He knew the woman could be spiteful and didn’t want her to do anything to upset his wife.
He spotted Nate, Selina’s father, and headed to the bar. As he made his way through the smoky air, he could see that he was not far off in what he told his wife. The tables were loaded with drunks tonight. Storms often brought many unsavory characters in off the streets. Every other table had at least one man passed out either on it or under it. He could barely hear himself think above the noise of the crowd. He could hear several arguments that were close to becoming brawls.
What he expected to be a warm greeting turned out to be a scowl. He and Nate had been friends for years.
The burly man towered over the bar. “You have a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Riverside.”
“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”
“I am talking about what you did to my daughter,” Nate growled.
“I did nothing but treat your daughter with respect.”
Selina rushed over and grabbed her father’s arm. “It’s all right papa. He doesn’t know.”
Mikell’s cheek twitched. “Doesn’t know what?”
Nate turned to his scowl to his daughter. “You never told him about his son?”
“You have a son?” Mikell spun around and saw Lauriana standing there. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Lauriana, you don’t understand.” Mikell looked at Selina. She looked at him, her eyes pleading. Before he could say anything else, Selina spoke.
“He couldn’t tell you because he didn’t know. I never told him.”
“Well, he knows now,” Nate said. “Now he can step up and do right by you.”
Mikell frowned at Selina and then turned to Nate. “I cannot marry your daughter.”
“Why not? I thought you could be counted on to do what is right?”
“I can’t marry your daughter because I’m already married.”
Lauriana stared at the three of them not sure what to do or say next. “I’d love to hear where this is going but I have some place I need to be.” She turned on her heels and marched out of the room.
-4-
Lauriana looked out the dingy window of her room. The wind howled as it whipped the snow in the air. She was relieved to be away from Mikell. She didn’t want him to know how upset she was. After all, she had no right to be. He was allowed to have a past. He didn’t have to tell her everything. She knew he’d been with other women. Although she had to admit knowing it and meeting one of them was quite different. She took a deep breath and let it out.
She heard the door open, quickly wiped the tears out of her eyes, and turned around.
“Are you okay?” Mikell asked.
Lauriana sat down on the bed. “I’m fine.” She turned her head away from him.
“Let me explain.”
She shook her head. “You don’t owe me any explanations. You are under no obligation to tell me about your past.”
He sighed and sat down next to her on the bed. “But you’re upset.”
“I don’t want to be. It’s just hard for me to think of you with another woman. Considering my current situation, I am the last person that should be upset.” She was silent for a while. “That’s why you didn’t want me to go downstairs isn’t it? You didn’t want me to know about Selina.”
“What I said about the crowd is true, but I also was afraid that Selina would upset you. We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms.”
“What are you going to do about your son?”
“He’s not mine.”
“What?” She turned to look at him. “How can you be so sure?”
Mikell took her hand and looked into her eyes. “Because I stopped being intimate with Selina three months before I left the city. Her son was born nine months after I left.”
“Then why would she say that you were the father?”
“I don’t know.” He stood up and headed for the door. “That is something I intend to find out.”
Lauriana watched him leave. She didn’t like him being around that woman. Further more, she didn’t trust Selina as far as she could throw her. The woman was trouble.
-5-
Mikell found Selina standing at the end of the bar. He had to work to keep his anger under control. Not only had she lied about him being the father of her child but also had made it look like he abandoned his own son. He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to an empty table in the corner of the room, dodging a couple drunks and a fistfight on the way. He sat her down in the chair in the corner and sat across from her.
“Well?”
Selina glared at him. “Well what?”
“Tell me why you lied about me being the father of your child?”
She swallowed hard. “I didn’t know what else to do.” Mikell stared at her waiting. She took a deep breath and continued. “Kesar Blackstone’s the father. Not long after you left, he forced himself on me. I was afraid if I told my father the truth he would go after Kesar and…”
“Kesar would kill him?” She nodded. His jaw tightened. “That does not explain why you named me. You need to tell your father the truth or I will.”
Selina jumped up her fists clenched. “I can’t do that.”
“I don’t care what you tell him as long as you tell him that I am not the father of your child.”
Mikell walked away and headed back to his room. He cursed under his breath. Things were worse than he thought. If Kesar were in town, it’d only be a matter of time before he found Mikell. Kesar would only cause him trouble. The man hated him and was capable of anything. If he found out about Lauriana, Kesar wouldn’t think twice about harming her to get to him.
As he walked down the hallway to his room, the wind rattled the shutters. If it weren’t for this damned storm, they’d all be far away from here by now. He’d have to warn the rest of the party. Now he knew he couldn’t allow his wife to go anywhere without protection. Few could best Kesar Blackstone with a sword, his wife wasn’t one of them. He needed to warn her.
He let out a deep sigh and suddenly felt weary. First Martika and now Kesar; he never dreamed that his past would be a threat to the women he loved. She was the most precious thing in his life. Now not only did he have to face the fact that she would probably leave him one day, but also that he could be responsible for harm coming to her.
-6-
Lauriana stared at the cracked, discolored ceiling. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t sleep. How could she when some man out there wanted to harm Mikell? They’d only been at the inn for a couple of days and she was already on edge – the way Selina was always strutting and glaring at her. She sat up and looked around the room trying to decide what to do next. She had already moved the table and chairs, reorganized her pack, twice, and redid the bed. She could try to clean the table again. The wood was so worn and scratched it would probably never be clean. What if Kesar had found him? Mikell said he had to talk to the rest of the party and made it very clear that she wasn’t to come along – that alone made her fume.
She heard a knock and ran to open the door. Selina, the last person she wanted to see. After Mikell had told her about the woman, she didn’t know whether to feel sorry for the her or dislike her even more.
“If you’re looking for my husband, he’s not here.”
Selina frowned. “Actually, I wanted to have a few words with you.”
Lauriana’s back stiffened and she stepped aside. “What do you want?”
Selina sat down at the small table. “I want to know what you did to Mikell.”
Lauriana plopped down on the bed. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“When Mikell was here before he said he couldn’t stay with me because he wanted to keep traveling and helping people. It was a lie. He was pining away for some woman he had dreams about, someone who doesn’t exist. What I want to know is how did you trick him into marrying you?”
She stared at Selina a long time debating what to tell her and finally decided on the truth. “I am the woman he used to dream about since he was fifteen.”
“You? Then I have made a terrible mistake.”
Lauriana tensed and got to her feet. “What do you mean?”
“I told Kesar, Mikell was staying here at the inn and gave him the room number.”
“I have to warn him.”
The door flew open and crashed against the wall. Lauriana reached for her sword turning her back to the door. A hand three times the size of hers clamped down on top of hers squeezing so hard she cried out and let go of the hilt. She felt her head jerked back by her hair and the cold steel of a blade against her throat.
“Your presence is requested downstairs,” a man growled in her ear.
Her heart jumped to her throat. She recognized the voice as the same man that had harassed her and the other women at the shop, the one she had embarrassed.
-7-
Mikell’s head ached. The din in the common room pounded at his temples. He rose from the table, headed to the door, and froze when a familiar voice from the middle of the crowd cut through the air.
“I’ve waited a longtime for this. It’s time you pay for the grief you’ve caused me.”
Mikell turned around slowly, gripping the hilt of his sword. “I don’t want any trouble, Kesar.”
“I don’t care what you want. I’m not going to let you walk away this time.”
Mikell scanned the room. Several men around the room watched eagerly. Kesar brought a few friends. The other men moved to the wall and kept their eyes on their mugs of ale. “Is that how you fight these days, ten to one?”
“They’re just here to make sure that none of your friends interfere. What a shame none of them are here. Maybe they ran into a little trouble.”
Mikell drew his sword. “What are you waiting for?” If he was fast he could finish this quickly his wife would be out of danger and never have know.
Kesar grinned as he saw the door open. “I’ve arranged for a special guest. I see she’s just arriving.”
Hector pushed Lauriana into the room. “I brought a present for you, Kesar.”
Mikell felt his whole body tense and mouth go dry. “Leave her out of this. It’s me you want.”
Hector gave her a hard shove and she stumbled over to Kesar. He grabbed her around the waist, pulled her close, and put his blade to her throat. “I don’t want you to worry about your wife. My boys and I’ll make sure that she never has a lonely night.”
Mikell’s jaw clenched and his face twitched. “I’m warning you, let her go.”
Kesar released his grip and Lauriana ran for the door. Hector caught her around the waist and pulled her back. Mikell heard Kesar yell and turned around bringing his sword up just in time to stop Kesar’s sword from crashing through his skull.
“We don’t have to do this,” Mikell said pushing the man back. “Just let it go.”
Kesar grinned and looked at Hector. “I believe the ‘prince.’ needs some incentive to keep fighting.”
Kesar thrust his sword forward again. Mikell’s heart hammered as heard his wife struggling. She cried out. He turned his head to see a jagged cut on her face, blood dripping down. Rage threatened to take control. He only turned away for a second, but that was all the time Kesar needed. Mikell’s eyes widened as Kesar’s sword sliced into his side. He’d made a stupid mistake and his wife was about to pay for it. He dropped to the floor.
Hector let go of Lauriana and fell away. She barely noticed as she ran to Mikell, her heart in her throat. He tried to prop himself up on one hand while holding his wound closed with the other. “Lauriana… get out of here… run.”
“No, I won’t leave you.” She saw Kesar approach smiling, his sword still drawn. The sight of him repulsed her, the slicked back greasy hair, unshaven face, the hatred in his eyes. She could smell the sweat and booze on him and he was still a four feet away. She grabbed Mikell’s sword, jumped to her feet, and peeled her lips back in a snarl. “Back off, you bastard or I will slit you open from your neck all the way down to those shriveled things you call balls.”
Rage filled his face and Kesar brought his sword up and started to swing. A large man stepped in front of him and grabbed his arm. His long red hair was tied back and he sported a bushy beard with flecks of gray mixed in. “Is this what ye want to be remembered for Kesar? Killing a woman or a defenseless man? There be plenty of witnesses here.”
She blinked. The man looked familiar. Master Hartford? What was he doing here? The smile dropped away from Kesar’s face. He motioned to his men and left the inn.
When the door shut, Mikell dropped back to the floor and closed his eyes. His voice came out in a ragged gasp. “Get Zeke. I don’t think… I have very long.”
Lauriana felt her chest constrict. Blood welled up through Mikell’s fingers as he tried to hold the wound closed. His shirt and pants were stained red. She grabbed a towel from the bar, removed his hand covered the wound. She attempted to swallow but couldn’t.
The shaky sound of her own voice scared her. “You’re going to be fine. Do you hear me? I won’t let you leave me, not after all of this. You can’t leave me, are you listening to me!”
Mikell opened his eyes and nodded. “I won’t leave you,” he whispered. “It’s hardly more than a scratch.” His face contorted in pain and he closed his eyes again.
This couldn’t be happening. Her brain felt numb…she had to get help. She started to rise on wooden legs when Jeremiah put a hand on her shoulder. “Ye stay with him. I can find the wizard.”
She waited for him to return with Zeke. He seemed to have been gone an eternity. She kept taking to Mikell as she kept pressure on the wound, not even sure what she was saying. His breathing became more ragged and he stopped responding to her voice. She stood up when she saw Tandril and Marcus arrive. “Where’s, where’s Zeke? Why isn’t he with you?”
Marcus glanced at Tandril. “He’s not coming.”
“What do you mean he’s not coming? He’s got to come.” She stared at both men, unable to comprehend.
Tandril hesitated. “Zeke is in a meditative trance.”
“What…?”
“A wizard of Zeke’s ability occasionally need to recharge their magic,” Tandril replied. “He must have wanted to make sure he was at full power before we reached the mountains.”
“Well, wake him up! Is that too difficult to figure out!”
“Ash said we wouldn’t be able to wake him until morning. She’ll meet us at your room.”
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Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“He did a good job of hiding it,”—consider “He did well to hide it,”
“They tied the horses tied to posts…”—had the horses tied? Tied the horses to posts?
Do Mikell and the shop keeper address each other as Master exclusively? Maybe this just seems awkward because the antagonist is called The Master and because this is the only time I recall anyone addressing anyone else as “Master”—if it is important to your story leave it as is, but if it doesn’t matter to you I think “Lord” or “Sir” or something like that would suffice.
When the three ruffians enter the shop, wouldn’t Marcus and Tandril come back in protectively since the ruffians had walked right past them? And during the squabble, does Lauriana have any thoughts or feelings? It is a quick fight, if it can even be called a fight, but it still seems to move too fast. I think you could slow it down a bit. And maybe add some kind of a sneer from the ruffians as they leave? Seems strange they would leave quietly without any taunts.
Interesting added suspense with this Selina character :P
“Nate turned to his scowl to his daughter.”—turned his scowl
I was relieved to hear Mikell deny that it was his son.
“he never dreamed that his past would be a threat to the women he loved.”—women? We’ve only seen the threat to Lauriana, and he loves only her :)
“Lauriana reached for her sword turning her back to the door”—consider “turned her back to the door as she reached…”
I was on the edge of my seat for Lauriana’s kidnapping and Mikell’s battle!
“If he was fast he could finish this quickly his wife would be out of danger and never have know”—I’m sure you know how to fix this sentence, just thought I’d bring it to your attention.
You could spice up the battle with Mikell and Kesar a little, draw it out with some more attacks and parries or dodges?
You must’ve been excited to write segment -7- because there are a lot of typos I’m sure you will catch in a revision :)
I’m anxious to see what happens to Mikell!
Another excellent chapter. Can’t wait to read the next!
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judy reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m getting there. :)
Wow, this is a long chapter.
trees (mostly fir) that crowded the – the mostly fir really throws the sentence off.
He was still angry about the fight they’d this morning. I would go ahead and say they had this morning. They’d throws the sentence off.
The overcast sky …blah. under the overcast sky. Maybe you can change one to cloudy.
They tied the horses tied to posts at the edge of town – strike second tied.
the building had been in it’s hay day. (its)
I like the dog better in bed line. That is really nice.
Um.. Did Mikell not see the men or hear the ruckus? I would think he would have kicked some ass.
I like the twists of his past coming to haunt them.
...wife would be out of danger and never have know. Reads a little rough.
those shriveled things you call balls. - LOL I love some of your dialogue.
She kept taking to Mikell as.. (talking)
Nice job. For the most part everything is smooth.
GP10Ellison reviewed Version 1 -
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Although I have not read the previous chapters I was able to jump in this one without issue. Which is a good sign.
Although the character history is covered in the recaps I fairly ignored them till after reading the current chapter.
The characters are well thought out and individual enough to stand out separately in the reader’s mind.
The only issue is that it felt rushed. There are the usual grammatical issues that all writers face but over all it was a good piece of writing.
There is a glaring spot when the husband and shopkeeper come back out and the baddies just kind of fade out without any interaction with them….that should probably be expanded and perhaps show another scene where the big lout she fought tells his boss the same story as the barmaid…and warns about her “spunk” etc etc
I look forward to more
karamarie reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the plot and characters. You have a lot of detail about these characters and their world. Although, I was confused in a few instances as to what the characters were doing or i should say where they were while doing it and with whom at the time. It needs some transitions in order to carry the readers along more smoothly. Here are the instances that stood out to me:
page 6- “Lauriana immediately liked the shopkeeper…” (you went from them being outside, looking at the shop to this sentence which implies that they are now inside the shop, but with no transition.)
page 8-“Would ye like me to send yer supplies over to the inn when I have them together?” Master Hartford asked.”
(although you seperate this from the previous paragraph, I was left wondering how they did not see the man that tried to assault Lauriana. There was no explination that the men entered the room after the assaulter left or how they did not realize that Lauriana had just been in a fight. Wouldn’t she be a little disheveled or red in the face from exertion? It seemed to happen so fast.)
page 9- “Lauriana knew there was something else going on.” (there was no transition from Lauriana speaking with Mikell and having someone knock at the door with Mikel gone. I assumed that Mikell was still there and later realized he had left.)
page 15,16- I felt that when Selina learned who Lauriana was, she was too quick to reveal what she had done. The scene seemed to happen too fast. In the same sentence Selina understands who Lauriana is and reveals her plot. Also I was left wondering why she would change her mind after knowing who Lauriana was. I assume that she wanted to tell on Mikell to keep him from telling her father what she did. Why would Lauriana matter much to Selina? It’s not that it can’t make sense, but you haven’t explained it :)
Overall this is very good. I am eager to read more and find out what happens. I hope that this helps you :)
Jacamo reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m glad that you included the chapter summaries,sort of brought me up to date on the story.I see the journey to thwart the plans of the “Master” continues. The addition of twists and turns in the relationships of the characters is good.Makes them seem more real.adding additional antagonists to the plot such as Selena and Kesar broadens the scope of the story.I have noticed a few grammatical errors, but I’m not going to nit-pick at your work,that’s for a good editor to do.I have the same problem with mine :-). It is still a good adventure story, the line still follows the premise of the plot.When finished it will be a great book.Your work is definately publishable. Jacamo
hvy_mtl8089 reviewed Version 1 -
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WOW. INCREDIBLE. I really loved it, though, Ive never read the chapters before it, but I have read the recaps through here, and wow, they sound incredible, too. You have so much talent, dont ever stop writing. You could definitly get this published and it is so going on my favorites! GREAT JOB!
Jedikid129 reviewed Version 1 -
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“He was also large imposing” I think you need an “and”
“The sun barely filtered through the thick trees (mostly fir)” After reading this chapter, I’m sure you can word this a bit better. The rest of you’re descriptions are excellent.
‘prince.’ no period.
This is the first of this story that I’ve read, yet I feel as if I’ve read much more than that. This chapter itself creates a convincing reality on the level of an entire book.
The ending was quite the bait and switch. I assumed that Zeke would save him quickly from the absolute brink of death. But then you pulled the rug right from under me. “He’s not coming.” I actually felt a feeling of dread at this. Which says a lot about your characters, that even a random half chapter can make the reader fear for their predicament.
“If he found out about Lauriana, Kesar wouldn’t think twice about harming her to get to him.” This whole situation with Kesar invoked the same feeling that one gets in horror movies when the characters decide to split up. Even though the reader knows hes gonna show up, that only heightened the frustration when it actually happened.
Overall, This is an amazing story, and I certainly need to go and to read the whole thing from the beginning
Plain_Jane reviewed Version 1 -
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“The overcast sky didn’t help. An endless stream of cutthroats and petty thieves filled narrow muddy streets under an overcast sky”
I wouldn’t use ‘overcast sky’ in the same paragraph twice. Just a bit repetitive. Try ‘gloomy sky’, it is a very gloomy scene your are setting with the overcast sky and the dangerous elements. or a word of equal value.
‘Hay day’ should be ‘hayday’
“Can’t expect a dog to move on when he’s got fine looking bitches in his sight in need of a good screw” uhh ok.. crass but I liked it!
and way to go Lauriana…“Back off, you bastard or I will slit you open from your neck all the way down to those shriveled things you call balls.”
So far the first half of this chapter has picked up the pace and has pushed me feverishly to read the rest.
I am no one to speak of grammar issues but even I noticed a few, not enough to distract from the story or flow. Just give it a another run through or submit it through a grammar and spell check program.
Oh no Mikell gets wounded. see what ya did? now I have to read more. Great job again.
Oh and I never rate 10’s but you do such a fantastic job setting this alternate reality that I just had to.
one last tiny thing, work a little more on describing the characters emotions. Make the reader feel what they are feeling.
HopelessRomantic reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this. It was very unique and different. It kept me enthralled the entire time. Everything was depicted well and was clear and easily understood. Outside of that I don’t have anything other to say. Amazing work! _
observingowl reviewed Version 1 -
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Disclaimer: Consider the following input if you will, I hope it to be in some way beneficial on your part. If there is any feedback you don’t like, sorry.
(The drive of my novel focuses on [event] and [character].)
1. “She moved her horse closer to his. Marcus dug his heels into his horse and the black mare bolted up ahead.” Dialogue here would help to convey a deeper sense of the possible resentment Marcus feels towards Lauriana rather than a seemingly arbitrary move such as fleeing from his problems. If your characters were to engage in a game of chess what would be the likely movements of their hearts desire? In other words, know what drives each character and let that show not just through description.
2. ”The combination of her eye color and her long dark hair gave her an exotic look.” In the world you have here created( dwarfs, dragons, magic…) maybe exotic is normal. Is her figure astonishing, her dress, her presence?
3. ”Lauriana reached for her sword turning her back to the door.” What happened to Lauriana’s celerity from thier first encounter? She moved quickly from a possible rump grab but a crash does not give her time enough to prepare for battle… the consistency of character traits seem a little off.
4. ”I’m not going to let you walk away this time.” Just do it. An unsuspected laceration or some form of cheap shot could express the underlying hatred this character feels towards Mikell.
5. When Kesar advances for the kill his face is filled with rage, after the brief palaver with Master Hartford though, a smile is retreating from his face. Perhaps if his face turned into a menacing grin it could then fade away.
6. “He was pining away…” very Tool.
A further breakdown.
You’ve an immense amount of raw talent that in due time can be harnessed. When the writing just flows you’ll know you’ve come to the place where literature meets art. IN ADDITION, I’ve only read the recaps and this chapter so I can’t truly judge you but in light of my opinions for this one piece.
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