Poetry / Broken Chords

You see me:
Four years old
Approaching you with letters
Barely legible
On a portable chalkboard.
“Does this make a word?”
Until one day it does.

But suddenly I am
Alone and struggling
With words.
You cannot hear what I am trying
To say: meanings evaporate
Like frozen breaths
Of small-town gossip.

And I am gone.
You are proud
But a little jealous--
Passing out information
In the local paper:
Honors and Distinction
A Master, a small faculty position
At twenty three.
It is only meaningful between us.
To the rest it is small-town gossip
Echoing emptily through the coffee shops
Besides, I am not home.

There are holidays
And sometimes birthdays.
There is the day you turn fifty
And open the door to my smiling face
I am laden with presents and secrets.

You begin to cry that night
And seem mortal
Clutch at my hair and tell me
You will protect me, whisper that you miss me.
What can I say? “Stop?”
“I miss you?” or maybe, “I am lost.”
You cling to my ghost, to a four year old
With long brown pigtails
And a portable chalk board.

Someday I will cling to your ghost
Trying to fill the hole
That was ripped out of me
And you will not be home
When I am.
 

Reviews

January 28, 2009

cdnsurfer

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1247	89.6% (241 votes)	38.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
46	M	Canada	November 23

cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Bravo. The way you strung this narrative out is absolutely breathtaking. A simple tale told with affect. You have a perfect story arc in this piece, opening with the 4 year old and leading to the adult. I thought you might want to follow up, for the complete arc, the future holds with your own 4 year old. That would give it completion. Still, the narrative remains strong.

The connection between S1 and S2 is a little weak. I see the connection between the 4 year old and the adult struggling for words, but not the motive for the lack of voice. I think that could come out a little stronger here.

S3 gets into the relationship, but the jealousy seems to come from nowhere. What’s the direct connection?

The 5th and 6th stanzas are brilliant.

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January 28, 2009

by cdnsurfer

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1247	89.6% (241 votes)	38.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
46	M	Canada	November 23

I hope you found this helpful. I haven’t seen you around lately. I absolutely loved the feel of this piece. Cheers.

January 29, 2009

by jbaker

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
69	88.5% (26 votes)	25.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24	F	Canada	July 12

Hey! Thanks! Yes, I found it incredibly helpful—you always give great feedback.
I haven’t been around in awhile… sadly. Partly it’s because I actually DO have a faculty position (teaching undergraduate composition courses—the sludge work of the university), and so I’ve been running around like mad preparing lectures and marking. Between that job, my thesis, and my own coursework, I’ve had trouble finding time to write creatively – this is the first thing I’ve felt good enough about to post in awhile.
How have you been?

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