Thanks for the review. I forgot that I had posted this here. I’ve just rewritten certain parts, especially the ones found in this excerpt, after having consulted with a martial-arts teacher. I might have to take this excerpt down, but keep in touch, I might put up the updated version soon or other info where both of you can see more of it before it gets published.
Action Adventure / Pandora's Succession (Analysis)
Chapter 1
Somewhere near Groznyy, Chechnya,
The blow to the side of his head dropped Ridley Fox to the floor. The cold surface against the side of his face, the jarring pain, and the spinning were the last things he remembered before he blacked out. When he awoke, the throbbing pain remained as he was dragged by his legs across the floor, the concrete scraping the back of his scalp. He opened his eyes, only to stare into the barrel of a Russian AK-108 assault rifle that was less than a foot above him.
His fiancée, Jessica, died at the hands of his captors two years ago. Would it instant, like hers, or would they torture me first? Fox guessed the latter. She was murdered just a few hours after he proposed to her. He promised her to give up his career in the Joint Task Force Two (JTF2)—the Canadian SEALs—to settle down with her. The heavy drinking and bar fights soon followed. That ended shortly with Fox in a prison holding cell. That’s where he met his current CIA superior, General Paul Downing, and learned everything about the weapons consortium know as the Arms of Ares—his captors.
Fox mentally shook away that memory as he watched a tangled web of exposed pipes and cheap wire mesh-covered light bulbs that ran along the ceiling while being dragged along a concrete floor. One of the guards yelled at him in Russian. Although Fox was fluent in the language he was too disoriented to listen. All he did was count down to the moment of his own execution.
Fox felt his legs being dropped right before the tip of a boot kicked him in the side. He cried out loudly as the same guard yelled profanities at him. Fox could not see much but a yellowish flickering reflection of light overhead and heard some footsteps walk away from him. The thundering boom of the slamming metal door was accentuated by its echo in the cold, dry room that he lay in.
“Is that it? Why don’t you come back and finish me off?” screamed Fox. There was silence, except for the occasional knocking within the pipes that snaked throughout the structure. Just come back and kill me and get it over with. But Fox knew that wouldn’t happen yet.
He watched the ceiling spin above him. Fox closed his eyes, but the throbbing in his temple and his side continued. He thought back to three days ago when he was contacted by a man named Gregor Stechine—a scientist working for Ares—who offered him the opportunity to put Ares out of business. In return Fox would help him and his wife defect. It was an offer Fox couldn’t refuse. Presently he was in an underground facility where Ares was developing something so deadly that Stechine didn’t even want to discuss it in their correspondences.
He heard a metallic creaking sound as the door was reopened. Fox noticed that the person that entered the room was a bit more discreet, right down to the sound of the latch to lock it. When he opened his eyes he saw the silhouette of someone standing above him. Although he was trained not to panic in such a high tense situation, his breathing intensified when the person knelt down and wrapped something around his mouth tightly. Fox blacked out, but only momentarily. When he woke up he saw the individual holding a long spike above his chest. It was a split second later that Fox saw the individual force the spike downwards, causing him to grit his teeth and shut his eyes tightly, bracing himself for his death.
When he felt the spike puncture his skin and drive through his heart, he felt an electric-like surge through his veins that jolted him into full consciousness so fast that he sprang up. “Goddamn!” It was muffled by the gag along with the screaming. Seconds went by before he stopped.
“Mister Fox, thank God.” It was a woman’s voice, thick Russian accent. “I just shot you with adrenaline. Oh my God, I thought they would kill you.”
Fox clutched the syringe that protruded from the left side of his chest and pulled it out gently and wailed a bit longer until the sharp pain subsided. He undid the cloth that was tied around his mouth and looked around him—it was all concrete from floors to ceiling. It all came back to him. He then touched the bruise above his right temple, a reminder of the guard that had pistol whipped him.
“Listen to me. Do you remember where you are?”
Of course he remembered where he was. He didn’t even look at her. He couldn’t fathom how he could’ve been so sloppy. There was no room for mistakes. There were no wife and kids to go home to, definitely not in his case. There were definitely no colleagues an outsider could call and expect to get an honest answer as to his current whereabouts.
“Fox,” the woman said again as she grabbed his shoulders tightly.
Fox looked into her pale, white face. The coffee stench in her breath caught him head on. “We’re still in the underground lab, aren’t we?”
“Yes, but we don’t have much time. Somehow they knew you were coming, but I couldn’t warn you. So I come back. Oh my God. I had to be sure you were okay.”
Fox pulled away from her. “Who are you?”
“My name is Sveta Stechina. I’m your contact.”
“Stechina?” Stechina was feminine for Stechine. But Stechine’s a man. Fox’s left hand lashed out and clutched her throat.
“Fox…please…I cannot breathe.”
“That’s the whole idea. Now tell me who you really are.”
“I’m Sveta,” she struggled. “Doctor Gregor Stechine’s wife. The late Doctor Stechine. I’ve been using his name to contact you. I didn’t know what else to do. It’s the truth.”
Fox unclenched her neck slowly, just enough so that she could breathe easier. “If you’re lying to me I swear I’ll crush your windpipe. Now tell me the code.”
“One tulip in May for every hundred raindrops of April past.”
He released her. She gasped for air and cupped both hands over her mouth. As she coughed, her eyes watered.
Fox looked at his watch. It was 12:52 AM. “Wipe off your face. It’ll draw attention to you.”
She sniffed as she took a tissue paper out of her lab jacket pocket and dabbed her eyes. “Do you have backup?”
Fox patted himself down, searching for the weapons that he came with. They were gone. “I’m here alone.”
“You can fight six armed guards by yourself?”
“You have a better idea?” She didn’t answer. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. They took my explosives and my gun. I’m going to need those.”
“They’re in storage. Make a left outside and they’re in the third door on right-hand side.”
Fox heard the clacking sound of the lock from the door. Shit, someone’s coming in. Without a moment’s hesitation he dropped to the floor, tucking the syringe under him and assumed the same position he was in before Sveta revived him. He closed his eyes while he listened to the sounds of footsteps. There was the clapping of heels as they hit the floor. The clapping sound was familiar—it was the boots the guards wore. One set was heavier than the next—there were two guards.
“What’s going on? What are you doing here?” said one of them in Russian. The proximity of his voice alerted Fox that the guard stopped within two feet in front of him. He dared not open his eyes yet.
“I should be the one to ask you what this man’s doing in here,” Stechina replied with even more authority. “How could you allow him to get in here undetected?”
The guard seemed to be at a loss for words for a moment. “We’re not sure as of yet.”
“Not sure? You mean you don’t know. Do you happen to know who he is or who sent him? No, I guess you wouldn’t know that either. Not after you nearly killed him.”
“He…uh…we were given last-minute warning. We took the necessary action.”
This was all the distraction Fox needed. He opened his eyes and kicked out his left leg in a semi-clockwise rotation, hooked the guard’s ankles and swept him off the ground. Just as he hit the ground, Fox sprang up and lunged towards the other guard, whose first instinct was to reach for his AK-108 Assault Rifle. “Wrong move,” Fox muttered to himself as he struck him in the forearm, making him lose his grip on the rifle, followed by a palm-heel strike to his nose between the eyes—breaking the cartilage. A second blow sent the fragments into his brain, killing him instantly. As the guard dropped to the floor, Fox heard movements on the floor behind him. The first guard Fox attacked didn’t have a moment to get up before Fox slammed the heel of his boot onto his solar plexus. He then turned to the woman who stared at him wide-eyed while she took two steps back. A few weeks ago he would’ve killed her too, and she would’ve deserved it. At the moment he couldn’t tell whether Sveta was shocked or just plain scared of him. Probably the latter.
Fox brushed a lock of his auburn-coloured hair that fell on his left eyebrow. “That’s two down. Four more to go.” But she was still at a loss for words as Sveta looked down at what Fox had done. He snapped his fingers in front of her face to redirect her attention. “Listen, we’re going to get through this together. But I’m going to need you to stay focused, or else you’re going to get us both be killed. You understand me?”
She nodded.
“Good. I’m going to change into his clothes. I just hope they fit.”
(end of excerpt)
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FleaTheElf reviewed Version 2 -
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TheRealMC reviewed Version 2 -
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msstma reviewed Version 1 -
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i usually read/write romantic action paranormals.
because of this i felt your chapter had a slow start up. i didn’t really see anything different, (something i always look for) in the beginning. it did however, pick up and move faster the more i read. your descriptions are clear.
it’s also great when a writer can take the usual story/setting and make it sound different. i guess what i’m trying to say is look for ways to make your scene exiting, new and different from every writer that has already written a scene like this. i know it isn’t easy to do this.
maybe a little more emotion would be good? he thought about how his fiancee was killed, but nothing said how that made him feel. was sad, angry, revengeful?
the guard who said ‘we’re not sure as of yet’ say ‘we’re not sure how he got here.”
it’s an alright read. i’d like it better if i knew what he had been searching for, and where this story might be going. good luck, hope u don’t mind my suggestions.
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lovelee1313 reviewed Version 1 -
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I was entertained and like the story. Feel my husband migh like it better though.
CSNS reviewed Version 1 -
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I would add a transition sentence between him seeing the gun and when you talk about his fiancee. Something like “His thoughts instantly turned to Jessica.”
I would say “soon followed her death, which ended shrotly…” sounds better in my opinion, helps the flow.
I like the description of the ceiling but…is the gun still in his face too…where is it?
The idea of the adrenaline shot is interesting though sounds a little far-fetched. It is only used in case of cardiac arrest and with defribillation. The way you describe it, Fox is not unconscious since he hears the door. If you still want to stick to the adrenaline, make her give him a shot through a vein rather, that makes more sense.
Besides that, Fox sounds very effective and you depict a good outline of his personality and skills. It is engaging and as a reader I would keep on reading. Good flow between actions as well.
pigpen reviewed Version 1 -
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The excerpt hooks me about…5 out of 10. It gets a bit “Jack Bauer” at the end.
BrianA reviewed Version 1 -
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Yeah you got me in, the pages flew by. It was exciting and action packed. I don’t know how to specify your target audience – but people who read spy novels John Le Carre et al.
I had no problem with her dialogue, or his for that matter.
`Would it instant, like hers, or would they…’ something wrong here with `instant’ – missing `be’.
‘Shit, someone’s coming in.’ – wondered if it would be better to italicize his direct thoughts where they appear.
`....so sloppy. There was no room for mistakes. There were no wife and kids to go home to, definitely not in his case. There were definitely no colleagues an outsider could call…’ – found it difficult to see how these thoughts followed one another. What has making no mistakes have to do with having no wife and kids? And if he knows where he is what is the purpose of last sentence?
`...his auburn-coloured hair that fell on his left eyebrow.’ – character self description? Author observing -suggest omit details.
It is not revealed what is wrong with him except battering and bruising – why does she give him shot of adrenalin – for overdose? Anyway I can’t comment on that only having read this excerpt – which I thought was fine. Good luck with this.
Kimbers reviewed Version 1 -
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A great excerpt, I thought.
You put the reader right smack in the middle of the situation without having to explain much in doing so. The guy is a type of Special Forces. He’s in some kind of facility, where he shouldn’t be and has been caught. The physicality of the injuries is just enough to not overpower the narrative of him being moved to what we presume is a cell.
I had images of THE UNIT and THE BOURNE TRILOGY going through my head as I was reading this piece without the family background. Through his disorientation you provide a sense of extreme tension but never fall into full blown fear.
Occasionally I found the dialogue slightly hard to follow, not in terms of language but more like who is actually saying what. Maybe polish up a bit. I also found that you’ve also switched between narratives slightly in the opening going from third person to first person.
“Would it instant, like hers, or would they torture me first?”
The switch sounded a little confusing forcing a reader to re-read the sentence to make sense of it. I’m not going to overanalyse it because you didn’t want that kind of critique I’m just offering a point to watch out for.
I really did get pulled in by this passage. I found myself wondering will they get away, or will it be harder than they anticipate? It would be interesting to find out.
Crysa reviewed Version 1 -
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I just couldn’t get into this. The main character feels closed off and comes across as being a bit too full of himself. The whole bit about Jessica seemed out of place, it took me away from the action. I felt that he should have been more concerned with his predicament than with reminiscing. I didn’t like that he could mistake a needle for a spike. It doesn’t seem very realistic to me. The entire story lacks realism, though I think that is something that might be remedied by putting the excerpt back into context. I love adventure stories, especially Dirk Pitt, but this just didn’t appeal to me.
JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece was very gripping and suspenseful to read! I’m usually not fond of war/ military stuff, but this grabbed me and kept me reading. You did a great job of dropping right into the action so that the reader isn’t bored with a long intro. Fox is a good character, bitter and tough, as a good action guy should be. I would like to read more.
A few suggestions:
“Would it instant, like hers, or would they torture me first?” This sentence was awkward for me. The ‘would it instant’ part I mean. Perhaps you forgot a word or mistyped it?
“Fox mentally shook away that memory” This is a little repetitive, because memories -are- mental. Maybe just “Fox shook away that memory” would be better.
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