The bills in the mail;)
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Twenty Part 2 and Recaps (Analysis)
Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.
Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.
Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.
Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious.
Chapter Five –Lauriana grows finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari, her serious boyfriend at home.
Chapter Six – After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.
Chapter Seven –Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow.
Chapter Eight –The Master insists Martika work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.
Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.
Chapter Ten –Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.
Chapter Eleven – Martika, arrives at the Keep claiming to be betrothed to Mikell. Mikell tells Lauriana some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.
Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana meets The Master.
Chapter Thirteen – Lauriana awakens from a nightmare about The Master. He leaves the imprint of his hand burned into her arm. Mikell also had a dream involving The Master. The Master is shaken by the encounter with Lauriana. The party leaves for the quest.
Chapter Fourteen – Lauriana has a close encounter with ogres. Mikell and Lauriana’s dreams are invaded by The Master. The words “You Are Mine” are burned into Lauriana’s arm. The Master can track them by the burn.
Chapter Fifteen – The Master stares at a mysterious portrait of a woman who died 800 years ago. Lauriana’s wound continues to get worse and needs treatment soon. They decide to go to Tandril’s home. (An elven village). Lauriana takes a knife with her to bed and stabs The Master in her dreams.
Chapter Sixteen – The Master is angered by Lauriana stabbing him, and he makes her sicker. The Master Healer at the elven village hates humans and refuses to allow the healing. Heartbroken the party prepares to leave and is stopped by Maurenthia, a young elven healer who offers to heal Lauriana. After the healing Lauriana must fight The Master in her dreams to drive him from her mind. After three days she’s still unconscious. Petrick has an idea that might help and enlists Jenessa’s help.
Chapter Seventeen – Lauriana fights her way out of The Master’s dream world and wakes up free if the poison. She discovers The Master wants her to have his child so he can become invincible. Petrick doesn’t return from the dream world in time and Zeke frees him. Lauriana and Mikell argue and later come to an understanding. Mikell has a surprise for Lauriana.
Chapter Eighteen – Lauriana rests a few days in the elven village. Mikell decided to ask Lauriana to be his wife. Ash discovers that The Master needs an heir before the fall of the next year. If she can stay out of his clutches by the winter solstice she’ll be able to go home. Lauriana agrees to marry Mikell, and then has a fight with Marcus. Zeke says the planet are aligning in such a way tonight that he can send Lauriana home, but she will never be able to return. Unable to decide Lauriana runs from the hall.
Chapter Nineteen – Lauriana decides to stay because she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t help Mikell’s world. She finds out the Ari was going to propose the day she was transported to this world. Because she doesn’t think she’ll ever see Ari again she marries Mikell. The elven healer acts suspicious and insists on leaving with the party. The party sets out for the Arcane Mountains. Tandril questions the healer’s behavior.
Chapter Twenty Part One – The party stops at Traverse City to pick up supplies and are forced to stay in town because of a snowstorm. Two people from Mikell’s past are in town, Selina, who had wanted to marry him and Kesar who wants to kill him. Kesar finds Mikell and forces him into a fight by having one of his men grab Lauriana. Mikell is seriously injured and near death. He can only by save by Zeke. But, Zeke is in a meditative trance and can’t be awakened until morning.
Here's the Second Part of Chapter Twenty
-8-
Lauriana watched Mikell’s lifeless body as he lay on the bed. The shallow rasping sound and barely visible fall and rise of his chest were the only indication that he still lived. Her chest ached and felt so tight she found it difficult to breathe. “Isn’t there anything else you can do?”
Ash’s eyes met hers and held her gaze. The sorrow in them made Lauriana’s stomach clench. Ash reached out and squeezed her hand. She spoke in quiet, grave voice. “I have done what I can. If he can hold on until morning, Zeke be able to heal him.”
Lauriana sat by the edge of Mikell’s bed. Each member of the party offered encouraging words and went off to their rooms. Before leaving, Marcus approached her and hesitated. She looked up at him. He put his hand on her shoulder.
“Look, I know we haven’t been on the best of terms lately, but you got to know that I never wanted this to happen.”
She gave him a tight smile and put her hand on his. “I know, but thanks for saying it.”
The last to leave, Tandril squeezed her hand. “You should try to get some rest.”
“I couldn’t sleep. What if while I’m sleeping, he d –” She couldn’t finish the sentence. She couldn’t say it aloud.
“He’s strong. He can beat this. Do you want me to stay with you?”
“No. I’d rather be alone. I appreciate the offer.”
After Tandril left, Lauriana laid her head down on Mikell’s chest.
-9-
Ash sat in her room warming her old bones by the fire. Times like these she lamented her limited healing ability. Zeke sat only a few feet away unaware of their plight. A soft knock sounded at the door. She wrapped her shawl tighter around her shoulders and went to the door.
“I thought ye might still be up.”
She studied the large red headed man and then nodded. “I couldn’t sleep, not with the boy being so near death.” She stepped aside and the man entered.
“Aren’t ye a little old for adventuring?”
Ash gave him a wry smile. “Aye, it be true. Nevertheless, the fate of the world will be determined by this quest. I must do what I can to help.”
“I hope these people be not running ye ragged, mother.”
“Now, Jeremiah Hartford don’t ye start.”
Jeremiah frowned and nodded toward Zeke. “Keeping company with the wizard again?”
“Zeke’s an old friend.” Ash returned to her chair by the fire. “It be good of ye to help yer cousin.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Then, that was Lauriana Lockhart?”
“She married the ranger.”
He nodded and sat down at the small table. “Just as ye predicted. She doesn’t know who ye be, does she?”
“I be waiting for the right time to tell her. This be not it. There be reasons to keep my identity secret.” Ash sighed. “It be going to be a long night. Ye can keep me company.” She took a pot of tea off the fire and poured him a cup. “Tell me what ye’ve been up to.”
-10-
Lauriana stirred as a persistent knock sounded at the door. When had she fallen asleep? She lifted her head from Mikell’s chest and her neck screamed in protest. Mikell’s breath came out in a loud rasp; he was worse. Her stomach clenched as Zeke and Ash entered the room.
The wizard put a comforting hand on her shoulder and Lauriana rose and gave him room to work. The wizard examined the wound and then closed his eyes and held his hands over it. His hands began to glow. After a few minutes, he pulled his hands away.
“Is he going to be okay?” Lauriana asked. She didn’t like the grave expression on his face.
“It’s too early to tell. If he wakes up in a couple of hours, he’ll be fine. If not….” Zeke paused, rubbed his beard, and shrugged helplessly. “All we can do now is wait.”
The next two hours were painfully slow. By her request, she sat alone by Mikell’s bedside. The room was silent except for his labored breathing and the howling of the wind outside. He seemed to be breathing easier, but he still looked so pale and lifeless. She stood up and began to pace the floor, pausing occasionally to look out the window. The snow was beginning to taper off. Mikell had estimated they could leave in a day or two. This damned storm. None of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for this damned storm. She turned to Mikell.
“Why did you have to try and protect me? If you’d let me come with you, I could have stopped this. Kesar would not have been able to use me, to hurt you!”
Lauriana didn’t know how much more she could take. She had been through so much already and knew that things would get worse. She thought staying at the inn would give her a chance to rest, but found herself lying awake at night. She stared at the ceiling worrying, wondering what was in-store for her and the others. And now she could lose the only thing that was keeping her sane, the person who gave her strength. When he was with her, she almost believed she could defeat The Master.
She sat next to the bed and buried her face in Mikell’s chest as the tears she had been holding back began to flow freely. Zeke had left hours ago. Maybe Mikell wasn’t going to – no, she couldn’t even think it.
“Please wake up. Don’t leave me. I need you. I don’t think I can do this without you. I know I don’t deserve you, but please don’t leave me, not now.”
She stiffened when she felt a hand stroke her hair. Could it be…? She was afraid to find out. Could he really be awake? Her heart stopped as she slowly raised her head. Mikell’s eyes met hers with such an intensity she couldn’t look away.
“You deserve so much better than me,” he whispered.
“You’re awake. I can’t believe… Are you okay? How do you feel? ” She ran her fingers through his hair and over his rugged face, hugged him tightly, and then jumped up. “ I’d better get Zeke.”
Mikell grabbed her hand. “Wait.” She stopped and looked at him. He pulled her back down to the bed. “Are you all right?” He swallowed. “Did they hurt you?”
She shook her head and gave him a brief smile. “Only the cut on my face, but Zeke healed it. Your old friend, Master Hartford stopped Hector and then he convinced Kesar that he would look badly if he cut down a woman.”
“It was foolish of you to jump in front of me. You could have been killed.”
She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it wouldn’t go down. “I couldn’t let him kill you. I had to try to stop him.”
-11-
Mikell resisted the urge to jump out bed. He’d incur the wrath of both the wizard and his wife if he didn’t let Zeke examine him first. He knew what he had to do, keep his love safe. His life had little meaning without her. She wasn’t going to like what he had to do, but there wasn’t any other way.
Lauriana returned with Zeke. The wizard closed his eyes and held his hands over Mikell’s body. When he opened his eyes again he asked, “How do you feel, my boy?”
“A little tired.”
“After a few days of rest, you will be just fine.” He put a hand on Mikell’s shoulder. “I am just glad I made it here in time to cure you. A few more minutes could have meant…”
“I know.” Mikell grasped the older man’s hand and then let go. “Once again, I owe you my life.”
-12-
Mikell hurried to get dressed. If he could finish before his wife returned, he could talk to Zeke and the others before she knew he was out of bed. He had to end the problem with Kesar once and for all. He winced when he heard the floorboards creak.
“What are you doing?” Lauriana asked
“I have to find Kesar and stop him.”
“No you don’t. You were almost killed.” She looked at him with wide, tear filled eyes. “We can just leave here. We’ll just stay one step ahead of him.”
He sighed. “If it were just my life in jeopardy, I could go along with that. But it’s not. Kesar will try to hurt me by hurting you. I will not put you in that kind of danger. It has to end today once and for all.” He walked toward the door.
“What if you don’t come back? I can’t complete the quest without you.”
Mikell froze, and then turned around, took her by the hand and sat down on the bed next to her. He took both her hands and his and looked into her eyes.
“Listen to me. You are strong enough and smart enough to defeat The Master on your own. You always have been. The gods wouldn’t have picked you if they didn’t believe you were up for the task.” He wiped a tear off her cheek. “But you don’t need to worry, I’ll be back. What happened with Kesar was my fault. I made a serious mistake. I allowed myself to be distracted by your scream, which Kesar had been counting on.”
“How could you ignore someone you love being in danger?”
“Because, I know I can’t protect you if I’m dead. I won’t make the same error again. It’s a mistake that those in training make.” He smiled at her. “Or fools in love. You need to trust me, I can handle Kesar.”
She nodded and seemed to understand, but her eyes held fear. Mikell left the room and headed down the hall and down the stairs without looking back. He had asked Zeke to gather the other men and meet him in the common room. He hoped he had sounded more confident than he felt. He knew he could beat Kesar one-on-one in a fair fight, but what dirty tricks would he try? The man was not known for fighting fair. Mikell would ask the other men in the party to come along to make sure Kesar’s men didn’t interfere. But, the fight was his and his alone. He wished he could shake away the dread that had settled in the pit of his stomach the moment he’d heard Kesar was in town. The only way to get rid of the feeling was to take down Kesar.
-13-
Lauriana stood in front of the window. The wind howled and the dark midmorning sky threatened more snow. She looked up as Ash and her cousins walked into her room and wondered where Maurenthia was, who had been making herself scarce on this stay.
“What are you guys doing here?”
Ash sat down at the table. “Mikell asked me to help protect ye while he be gone. He be afraid that Kesar may send some of his men after ye.”
“We’re just here for moral support.” Winnie joined Ash at the table.
Jenessa plopped on the bed.
Lauriana crossed her arms over her chest. “If that man thinks I’m just going to sit here and wait around while he gets himself killed, he’s out of his mind.”
Jenessa shot her sister a look that Lauriana didn’t understand. “What?”
“I don’t think you’re going to be able to leave this room,” Jenessa said.
“Watch me.” She stormed toward the door. When she tried to go through the doorway an invisible force pushed her back. She tried again with the same result.
“Ash you have to let me out of here. I need to help him.”
Ash shook her head. “Ye belong here where ye be safe.”
“But –”
Ash held up her boney hand. “Even if I wanted to let ye out I could not. The spell be cast by a wizard. I cannot undo the spell.”
-14-
The Master smiled as the images faded away from the mirror. In high spirits, he returned to the throne room and poured a glass of red wine. Could the girl fall in love with him? After all Davinia had fallen in love with him so could her descendant, Lauriana. Why hadn’t he seen it before? She wanted to be with him. She just couldn’t admit that she made a mistake with the ranger. With the ranger out of the way, she would turn to him. In the end, she will thank him. With her love, he could redeem himself, perhaps experience emotions he thought himself no longer capable from having. He could still take over the world. He’d just force people to do good. Only those who didn’t follow his rule would have to suffer. He wasn’t an evil man, just merely misunderstood.
He sipped his wine and glanced toward the door when Martika entered. He didn’t like dealing with the woman. She was a problem, but as long as she was useful, he could tolerate her. But if she forgot her place too often…
“What are you smiling at?” she demanded.
She was wearing the same type of dress she always wore— a very tight, low-cut floor length gown. Despite how much he hated the woman he didn’t mind looking at her. He liked a woman with a figure generous in the bust and the hips. He let her wait a while, knowing she’d become impatient.
“I may not need your services any longer.”
“What are you talking about? You promised me Mikell.” Color rose in her face.
“Do you know of a man named Kesar Blackstone?”
Martika nodded. “He and Mikell were bitter rivals when we were growing up. He was always jealous of Mikell. What does he have to do with anything?”
The Master grinned. “Blackstone is about to kill your beloved ranger. It’s a shame really, he ought to suffer more.”
Her eyes blazed. “You have to stop Kesar!”
He laughed stepping down from the throne. “Who do you think told Kesar where to find him? With the ranger out of the way, Lauriana will be mine.”
The woman’s face filled with rage. “Just tell me why. Why to you hate Mikell so much?”
His hand flew out and smashed her in the face. She fell to the floor, blood dripping from her nose. “His ancestor took away the only thing I ever held dear in my life.”
That day set his course centuries ago. The day he became beyond all redemption. Davinia had looked beyond all of his faults and loved him anyway. She was the only person that understood that at his core he had been a good man.
They were happy. Then one day Edmond Riverside rode through the area. Davinia was out riding and attacked by thieves. He rescued her, but was injured in the fight. She took him home, nursed him back to health, and fell in love with the worthless ranger. The Master had no choice but to rid the world of the ranger once and for all.
He hadn’t counted on finding them together that day. The fact the woman he loved begged him to spare the ranger only incensed him more. He cast a lightning bolt at Edmond but at the last moment, Davinia threw herself in the way. It was too late to retract the lightning. She should have died in his arms, but instead she died looking into that ranger’s eyes. He cast fire at the ranger, burning him to death from the inside out. The act did nothing to appease his anger.
He turned around and saw Martika still sitting on the floor holding her nose. The sight angered even more and he cast a fireball at her, barely missing her.
“Get out of my sight,” he growled. “The next one will not miss.”
-15-
“Are you sure you want to do this, my boy?” Zeke asked as they stood outside the Lonely Lady.
Mikell nodded and looked up at the gray sky. The wind was dying down and the sun was trying to peak through the clouds. They’d be able to leave for the mountains soon. They had enough to face on the road ahead of them. They didn’t need to worry about Kesar following them. “It has to end. Kesar won’t stop until he kills me. I can’t take the chance that he will go after Lauriana or any of the others.”
He continued down the street toward the warehouse that Selina had said Kesar used as a hideout. The others followed, Zeke and Tandril by his side, Sledge, Marcus, Sheridan and Petrick behind.
“I want you to promise me you’ll not interfere in the fight. You’re coming along only to make sure that none of Kesar’s men try to help him or to keep them from sneaking away. He may try to send one of them after my wife.”
Marcus glared at him.
Mikell met his eyes. “Now is not the time, Marcus. If you have a problem with me, save it for later.”
-16-
Lauriana paced in front of the window. Ash read a book of prophecy. Winnie and Jenessa sat quietly.
“Why aren’t they back yet?” Lauriana asked.
Ash looked up from her book. “That they have not returned yet be a good sign. If something had happened to Mikell, they’d have been back by now.”
Jenessa’s face brightened. “That’s true, I never thought of that.”
Lauriana went back to the window. A loud crash sounded in the hallway. She seized the hilt of her sword. Ash leapt to her feet with surprising agility for her age, and headed for the door.
“I best check out what the commotion be about. Lock this door behind me.”
Winnie locked the door and sat back down. She jumped up again when more sounds erupted from the hall. “What was that?”
Her sister looked at her. “Sounds like magic.”
Lauriana tightened her grip on the hilt of her sword.
The door flew open and slammed against the wall. Three large men darkened the doorway.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“I couldn’t sleep. What if while I’m sleeping, he d –” She couldn’t finish the sentence. She couldn’t say it aloud.” —“couldn’t” 3 times in the sentence. Consider: ”’I would not sleep….’ She refused to finish the sentence, unable to say it aloud.”
Do you explain earlier in the story that Ash’s powers are limited, and why her healing abilities are limited?
Ash is Jeremiah’s mother. Nice :) I was a little confused about the “cousin” part and how Jeremiah recognized that it was Lauriana. Mikel is Jeremiah’s cousin? Probably because it has been so long since I read anything before chapter 17… I assume it will explain this in time and reveal who Ash is. I am excited!
”... to jump out bed”—out of
“He took both her hands and his and…”—both her hands in his
”...wondered where Maurenthia was, who had been making herself scarce on this stay.” —a little confusing. Consider rewording the end of the sentence?
Interesting spin on The Master. I never would’ve expected it.
“The day he became beyond all redemption.”—Not sure what you mean here. The day he became a creature beyond all redemption?
You may want to mention that Ash is able to pass through the barrier, perhaps that Zeke only cast it to prevent the others from leaving? When she walked out the door, the barrier was my first thought.
Excellent cliff hanger!
- add/view comments (0)
judy reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hi
them made Lauriana’s stomach..You have a double space inbetween here.
Ohh, the plot thickens. Who is Ash?
her hands and his and looked into.. her hands into his and looked..
Why to you hate Mikell so much? (do)
I am a little lost as to why the Master thinks L loves him now. And he was all opposed to having emotions which he said would make him weak, and now he is wanting them.
I liked the little story of the master and his love, which explains alot.
Good ending.
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“I thought ye might still be up.” You need a dialog tag or a beat of the man Ash sees at the door. I thought Ash said this.
“I hope these people be not running ye ragged, mother.” (What a shock when I saw “mother” after that comma. You’ve up-ed the stacks here.)
“Now, Jeremiah Hartford,(comma) don’t
(I feel really good knowing Ash is Lauriana’s aunt. A very neat surprise for “All In The Family.”)
“What are you doing?” Lauriana asked.(period)
“Even if I wanted to let ye out,(comma) I could not.
Despite how much he hated the woman,(comma) he
(Whoa, The Master has had it. He needs major anger management, but that’s with the science side of the world. This history is shocking, in a good way. Wow, he killed both relatives. So sad, utterly. And it’s very good entertainment. Now, we fear for L&M even more. Strange, but this almost whispers in Ari’s direction. Her relative loved two men and so does Lauriana. This is a cool symbolism, whether or not you had this in mind.)
The wind died down and the sun tried to peak (replaced “was” with stronger verbs)
(Perfect reading, plot, fantasy, and talent. You’ve amped up the action and presented a very curious situation that makes us want to read more. You mean, I didn’t have to pay for this?)
Ayleigh_the_writer reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
this is a really good read.i like how you have put the hole thing together to me as a reader it is just an amazing peice of writing.ayleigh
IllianaRhea reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love how you are one of the few writers on Urbis, who lets us review your individual chapters when they show up randomly. Your summarized recaps speak for themselves and many people could learn from this brilliant technique. If only every writer could pour as much heart into their work… Lauriana’s heartache for a dying Mikell feels almost palpable to the reader and Zeke, as the wizard seeks to aid her.
Your old English dialogue and vivid descriptions paint beautiful pictures for any reader. Judging by what I see here, your chapters are written well enough to stand on their own as short stories. You have wonderful grammatical structure and perfect punctuation. The only errors I can find, are minor typos which are easily remedied: ”The sorrow in them made TOO MANY SPACES HERE Lauriana’s stomach clench. Ash reached out and squeezed her hand. She spoke in ‘A’ quiet, grave voice.”
You have a poetic gift for wording, which many have forgotten. I have capitalized the repetitive letters and rhyming words to show you what I mean: ”...Lamented her Limited heaLing abiLity, his Labored breaTHing and THe howLing of THe wind outside, THrough His Hair and over His rugged face, BUT WHAT dirTy Tricks would he Try, WeRe bitteR Rivals When We WeRe gRowing up, eDmonD RiversiDe RoDe through the aRea, The Door fLew open anD sLammeD against the waLL, three Large men Darkened the Doorway.”
You have crafted a wonderful clincher to close your chapter. If you do not mind, I would like to review all of the chapters preceding this one. You should easily find a publisher for this manuscript submission, if you search the 2009 Writer’s Market Guide. There are many publishers accepting unsolited writers without agents at this time. Yet for any writers seeking agents, I highly recommend the William Morris Agency.
Love and blessings to you and yours,
Sincerely,
R.S.W.
CelestialAlchemist reviewed Version 1 -
Read 67% of the Item
Hello again. I am here to critique on your latest addition…for some reason your writing keeps drawing me back. Again,since you always put the chapters and their description, i can always recap.
You have the odd space here and there i’ve noticed and for some reason your writing feels more…mechanical than usual.Almost rigid.
“Now, Jeremiah Hartford don’t ye start.”
Jeremiah frowned and nodded toward Zeke. “Keeping company with the wizard again?”
Reorganized like so :“Now, Jeremiah Hartford , don’t ye start.”
Jeremiah frowned,nodding toward Zeke. “Keeping company with the wizard again?”
A comma and less use of ‘and’ makes it read smoother.
No offense but Lauriana seems to sound more like a heroine from a old romance set in medieval times than the modern girl she is…or was that intentinal to show how she is adapting to her new environment?
“Because, I know I can’t protect you if I’m dead. I won’t make the same error again.” He smiled at her. “Or fools in love. You need to trust me; I can handle Kesar.”
I think this line is better like this.’It’s a mistake that those in training make.’ seemed unnecssary. We get it. He made a mistake and he won’t do it again. And a semicolon seemed right when he referred to Kaser instead of a comma.
I hope its been helpful . I wonder who the master is?
Jedikid129 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“She lifted her head from Mikell’s chest…” why would she make it harder for him to breathe by laying on him?
“The sight angered even more…” fix this.
I really like the way you wrote out The Master’s thoughts and slight change of motive in regards to Lauriana. You made it obvious that he’s delusional/crazy if he thinks burning someone to death “from the inside out” doesn’t make him evil but instead “just merely misunderstood”
On another hand, Zeke seems quite foolish to create a barrier to keep Lauriana in, especially since it didn’t keep people out. But its perfect for creating a highly dangerous situation that keeps the reader on the edge of the seat.
jaugne reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
1. Don’t begin so many sentences with a proper noun/verb combo. It’s noticeable, and you want the reader to notice the story, not the writing. Example: “Lauriana watched…Lauriana sat…Ash sat…Jeremiah frowned…”
2.Don’t be overly wordy—it’s jarring to the ear. This includes two adjectives (or verbs) where one will do, overexplanation, and stretching. The best way to show you is to edit you. It’ll save you some credits. Notice the difference in the following:
A.(Raw)”Lauriana watched Mikell’s lifeless body as he lay on the bed. The shallow rasping sound and barely visible fall and rise of his chest were the only indication that he still lived. Her chest ached and felt so tight she found it difficult to breathe.”
B.(Edited)”The rasping sound and shallow breathing of Mikell’s prone body caused Lauriana’s own chest to tighten and ache. She suddenlyfound it difficult to breathe.”(prone because “lifeless” bodies make no sound or movement!)
These are things you will develop an ear for as you edit. The hard part is creating an interesting story, and you’ve done that. So kudos and keep after it!
If you’ve found this helpful and would like more specific examples, message me so you can save credits.
J.B.
Good_Monica reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I don’t know how convincing this story will be for Tolkien fans, (whose books I’ve never read) but I do like this story. The only thing I had to go on was the re-cap of all the chapters, but the conflicts that arise seem like valid ones by supernatural standards. The classics teach us that two people who love each other can never end up together, and when Mikell was lying in bed nearly dead, but gut clenched up. I think his recovery was too quick, but that’s just my opinion. You begin part 8 by saying Lauriana was watching Mikell’s “lifeless” body. I thought he had passed, you fooled me! There are other grammatical errors but I’m not going to pick them all out because you’re smart enough to find them yourself. In this chapter, I got a lot of names thrown at me that I wasn’t familiar with and it was hard to keep up, but I liked the “ye” talk between those two characters and I think all the dialogue is believeable. I could see each character saying the lines exactly as you wrote them. My advice is keep going because you’ve really got something here. I’d like to read it from the beginning.
1000voices reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Prt. II, Ch: 20; pg.8:
“She spoke in quiet, grave voice.”
“Zeke be able to heal him.”
“but you got to know that I never wanted this to happen.”
Ch:20, pg. 14:
“Why to you hate Mikell so much?” <Minor Typo, to=do.
“The sight angered even more”
Review: Just some pesky minor typos, which can be easily fixed and is no big deal. I was engrossed, Fantasy is right up my alley and MICE is a surefire way to hook my ilk in.
I would like to see this published, for you have modern/classical mixed in a splendid manner! I hate giving reviews where I can not provide more helpful criticism, but I am hooked and yearn to read more. Keep writing and good luck!
Showing 1 - 10 of 14
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
15 Reviews 6 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 6 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 927 Times
Skipped: 34 Times
Ratings & Rankings
