Perhaps you can elaborate. You like the capitalization and the commas are overdone? What exactly are you saying?
Poetry / Her Eyes (Analysis)
Her Eyes
Her eyes hang like plums.
New iris stems, green,
the blue sepal folds, falling.
I want to dice them with knives,
plunge blades to the metal core
where molten iron forms magnets,
lodestone moon, birthing
inconstant love without crowning,
salamander words, speaking in tongues.
Salt fleck seeds suckled.
The storm on my lip, bursts open
brings eyes to bloom.
“Look!” See me from within
beneath the blue fur coat
that holds everything.
But her eyes hang from vines
accuse the passing clouds
bears false witness:
false as planter’s feet
or the mad King who wears them
like gold slippers in moonlight.
Mercury flows from wilted wombs,
floats silver spoons, and barques
defy the gravity of tidal pools.
Magnetic north, black polar skies
flag borealis green like knitted blankets
alive in summer winds
where the unborn dance
like baby bats in Lascaux caves
painted menstrual red.
There are no stars in her eyes.
There are no heavens within.
Only the hunger her eyes cannot satisfy.
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Deadsage reviewed Version 2 -
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You have great imagery and language in here.
It’s overwhelming.
Her eyes are plums, flowers, metal, magnets, moons, etc all within the first few stanzas. I don’t feel that images fully matured before you shifted to the next.
This is a good example of what I mean:
“lodestone moon, birthing” -here you have the magnet and iron as well as a birth image.
“inconstant love without crowning,” -here you insert your own love, and continue the birthing image.
“salamander words, speaking in tongues.” -here you deviate from the sentence and insert lizards with forked tongues speaking jibberish.
for this reader, that was too much for one short stanza.
further:
”...beneath the blue fur coat
that holds everything.”
-a fur coat and “everything” seemed like a weak description, compared to such thick and engrossing images before it.
“But her eyes” -at this point you abandon the 3 line stanzas with sentence like structure completely, why? the the next stand alone “false witness” line seems out of place and shifts the tone of the poem away.
Are the eyes bearing false witness? what is like gold slippers in moonlight?
“painted menstrual red.” -the caves are red? the bats? the unborn?
Finally, last stanza, it reads like you are saying the only thing in her eyes is the hunger her eyes can’t satisfy.
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Gazala reviewed Version 2 -
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vivid- i lost track of what you were saying at some points, i cant really say i can relate to this or understand it, but the language is strong- its slap bang concrete and while i felt that the middle was a bit…vague, the end sums everything up nicely and envelopes the whole poem. its brutal, but at the same time there is dignity in your words, and even a deep sense of sexuality.
the end is stellar, the beginning eye catching and while i got lost somewhere in the middle, but its a good read nevertheless…:)
cheers…
if you have time just check my random stuff out…:)
beccacarr reviewed Version 2 -
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i love the capitalization and lack thereof in this piece. I think you overdo the commmas, especially in the first few stanzas. The description in the last few is lovely, but it tends to distort the emotional connection because its a little wordy. the spacing seems very random, but that may just be your style. the last staza is my favorite- somewhat descriptive, yet keeping a meaning and flow. see if you can emulate that.
hovercraft reviewed Version 2 -
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Your writing style is so lyrical, the words just dance before my eyes and twist around my brain. I didn’t understand the whole “Her eyes hang like plums” part, but it sounded beautiful anyways. And to me, as a reader, I don’t like to analyze, but to take pieces for what they are. And this is good.
I also liked the “menstrual red” part. Borderline crude, definitely different, but still remains classy. Good work.
varo_borja reviewed Version 2 -
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Wonderful poem. Two things you might want to consider. The first is the word choice, “bears” in “bears false witness”. Might want to go with “bear” as I believe you’re referring to a plural noun. The other is your ending. This is such a well crafted and rich poem that I felt your choice of termination was quite weak, if a little vague. I would recommend really spending some time on it; brainstorm, freewrite, dig through old volumes of Borges, whatever. You certainly have a gift for imagery and metaphor, and I gave this poem very high marks. It’s one of the best I’ve read on this site, and with a little more crafting I believe it could really go places. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful composition with us, and good luck in all your future endeavors.
angelauddie2107 reviewed Version 2 -
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as the young writer that I am, I am not Great at Reviewing Great work. I feel this piece was well written and thought about. It was something new to read and intresting in trying to understand some of the words in which i had to look up. but it flowed very well and had some strong emotions. Great work.
Naomi reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow! I really love it. I love the detail, the desciptiveness. It really makes you think. Although, I’ll admit I DID have to look up a few of the words. But that made it all the more interesting after reading it again. Well done!
jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked tomatoes better. They are more likely to me to look like they’re hanging from the vines.
And they paint the poem even more red and violent. Also, plums are color non-specific – they come in
red, blue, yellow… And you have a lot of colors going on here, so consider that.
“speaking in tongues” after “salamander words” is not needed picture-wise, it’s already clear it’s
some “foreign tongue” – some exotic salamander language that is.
bears false witness: – this lone line messes up the dynamics of the piece and is IMO not needed, as
you repeat the falseness of it in the next few lines.
defy the gravity of tidal pools. – I believe “gravity” should be taken out, as it is already
included in defying the tidal pools. Plus it’s a too complicated notion for this bit. I don’t know,
it just sticks out too much for me.
Somehow the “blue fur coat” now seems like an ocean to me (was like sky before), and to hell if I
know how you managed that. Everything took a more “marine” feel.
Everything seems even more drenched in metaphor now, and the many excellent, dreamy images are taking me everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It even feels at times this is two poems merged in some way into one. Can’t say I don’t love it though. Very interesting revision.
Cheers, J.
shoppingcartfreedom reviewed Version 1 -
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Great imagery.
The only criticism I can think of is:
On line six, “where molten iron forms magnets”
Is there a reason you used iron in lieu of another element?
The reason I ask is that the read feels slightly awkward to me in that spot. Replacing iron with just “metal” makes it flow a little smoother.
where molten metal forms magnets
EMZ reviewed Version 1 -
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sweet, caustic fruit
dripping red from fertile earth.
Why not just red from fertile earth? dripping doesn’t seem to fit.
But her eyes hang from vines
accuse the passing clouds
of false witness:
But her eyes hang from vines, or and accused the passing clouds
What I feel from this poem is a person who is pleased with what they have, and its hurting the other person. If that’s what you were trying to convey, excellent.
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