I’m getting some back-up on the glob. There is no team for glob though. No team.
Novel Treatments / turtle. beads.
She collects Mardi Gras beads. Everyone brings them to her, shopping bags full of colored globs. They come in tangles; they come in blues and silvers and reds; they come with tiny lobster medallions and King-cake babies. They come by the truckload.
She wakes up early in the morning and dumps the bags onto the floor. In a nest of necklaces, she sorts them; some days by color, some days by shape, some days by a category only she knows.
When leaving the house, she packs a bag of her favorites.
“Yehwoe.”
Before dawn she crawls into bed with me, her face almost touching mine. I wake, startled-- her breath smells like children’s. My skin is corrugated by beads.
She takes them into the bathtub, to play in the yard. The beads become another member of the family, invited to dinner and school plays.
She tests their love from time to time, flushing them down the toilet. They always come back, in a storm of cursing and flood water, so she knows they mean to make her happiest.
She counts them, though she can only count to three. One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three. She counts millions of one’s, two’s, three’s. I can hear her ticking them into piles.
She knows when a strand is missing. She walks the corridors crying, calling out for her lost child. We call in help-- neighbors, friends. We flip couch cushions and move appliances. We dredge the ditches in the yard, hoping to find a body, a strand. Garbage bags are opened, closets pulled apart. We try to trick her, find another strand and pass it off—but she knows.
She is never wrong. Eventually, we find the missing beads. The strand isn’t spectacular, she has a hundred exactly like it, but she is quelled. Her lost kitten is home; she holds it tightly before she drops it back into a bag with the others.
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Claire_D reviewed Version 1 -
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Terrific opening paragraph. Reminiscent of the elegiac poetic eloquence of dear departed Chickie McWeird (who?) Take this as a compliment (if you can).
It might be nice to utilise the semicolon in each sentence in this paragraph, except the first and last. So that means the second sentence. Or not. Just a thought.
I love the phrase “King-cake babies” most of all (I recall reading it in a previous version) despite its meaning becoming tangled in my hair. Terrific lines abound here – “my skin is corrugated by beads” – and the whole snippet retains its prose-poem language and keeps up with the challenge it sets itself.
This piece is near flawless, and reads more like a flash in its own right. It gives us a quick peep into this obsessive character and her pearly inner world that is both intimate and troublesome. In other words, great writing. Yes… put it in the book. Right now.
One grammar snuffle:
“one’s… three’s” > no apostrophes required
No criticism. I like this turtle shell. Lots.
Claire
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LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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-‘shopping bags full of colored globs’
Maybe globs was a typo, excuse me if it was….but Mardi Gras beads being described in/as ‘globs’ does not fit or feel right at all. A glob, to me, is a liquid or highly viscous substance. . . . I would suggest ‘trinkets’, or ‘colorful strands’. Just a thought.
-‘In a nest of necklaces’
I really liked the description here. The image of a nest of necklaces was perfect.
-So I was left wondering if this person with the bead obsession is a child or mentally disabled in some way. Hmmmm…makes me want to read more though. I also want to know the significance of these beads, and how they and their holder create a story… I would love to read more. :)
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Yes, this is endearing. Good writing. It’s short. Why not develop the hunt for the beads? Explain the “corrugated” image. More dialogue from your sister. Yehwoe was great.
Notes:
them; some (This should be an em dash IMO. Since you’ve used the semicolon twice in a sentence before it, I’d vary it.)
Didn’t know what had just happened when your skin was corrugated by beads.
one’s = ones, twos, threes (plural rather than possessive)
she has a hundred like it should be set off by em dashes since it is a complete sentence.
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a fantastic detail about a child right about my daughter’s age so forgive if I get sentimental.
You have such great details that ring true, Yehwoe, 1, 2, 3, the sorting.
This is tightness. Love ‘corrugated’.
Hard to improve upon but maybe more of an intro into how she fell in love with them. The backstory. The only word choice I question is ‘glob’. It’s a wet, thick, maybe even sticky word. ’colorful clusters’ – I know, alliteration, or ‘colorful knots’, just a thought.
stephw reviewed Version 1 -
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this si a strong piece of characterization, I feel that this character is unique in her “obssession” with the beads.
Again, like your other sections, I feel that you could elaborate more to make the story more immediate. Describe one specific indicent where she lost her ebads, instead of just describing generally what happens when she loses one.
The descriptions that stand out as particularly strong are: “shopping bags full of colored blobs” and “My skin is corrugated by beads.” More of this would strengthen this piee even more. for example, describe a few of her favourites, or how she looks wearing them all the time (or does she just drag them along in her hands, carry them in a bag?)
This is a good start, and would work well as part of a longer piece. I think it still needs more, though. Good luck with your writing!
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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Again with wonderful direct opening action and detail.
“Yehwoe.”—yellow? if yes, then cute.
“smells like children’s.”—consider, “her breath smells like a child’s breath” ? more words, sure, but i don’t think it would hurt none.
“corrugated”—great wrd choice. poop.
”..flushing them..”—funny. made smile.
“so she knows they mean to make her happiest.”—good but something poked me here. not sure what.
“hear her ticking”—great
“but she is quelled”—also fine but “quelled” felt odd to me. consider a mention of the bead-monger going nuts like a “storm” earlier and then “quell” might sit better with me.
great close. for reals.
final nit-pick would be the beads being “a child” and later “a kitten.” the cuteness factor is perfect without these. well, at least without the lost kitten line. but don’t listen to me. i’m just one man.
cavscoutgh75 reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s really hard to critique something like this, but that’s not to say I won’t try.
I did like it. I found a few mistakes, but I am confident those will be found and corrected upon review once you use it in the novel it’s destined to be in.
I like the way you drafted the innocense of a child and their seeming “need” for an object that has been lost, that an adult would just pass off as being gone.
“Yehwoe” – What is this? I am assuming it’s dialect of some kind, but without research I don’t have a clue as to what it’s from or what it means. Explain?
“I wake, startled—her breath smells like children’s.” – CORRECTION: “I wake, startled—her breath smells like only a childs’ could.”
Good luck and I hope to read this again in a longer novel.
Cavscoutgh
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