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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Twenty-One and Recaps (Analysis)
Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.
Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.
Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.
Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious.
Chapter Five –Lauriana grows finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari, her serious boyfriend at home.
Chapter Six – After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.
Chapter Seven –Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow.
Chapter Eight –The Master insists Martika work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.
Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.
Chapter Ten –Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.
Chapter Eleven – Martika, arrives at the Keep claiming to be betrothed to Mikell. Mikell tells Lauriana some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.
Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana meets The Master.
Chapter Thirteen – Lauriana awakens from a nightmare about The Master. He leaves the imprint of his hand burned into her arm. Mikell also had a dream involving The Master. The Master is shaken by the encounter with Lauriana. The party leaves for the quest.
Chapter Fourteen – Lauriana has a close encounter with ogres. Mikell and Lauriana’s dreams are invaded by The Master. The words “You Are Mine” are burned into Lauriana’s arm. The Master can track them by the burn.
Chapter Fifteen – The Master stares at a mysterious portrait of a woman who died 800 years ago. Lauriana’s wound continues to get worse and needs treatment soon. They decide to go to Tandril’s home. (An elven village). Lauriana takes a knife with her to bed and stabs The Master in her dreams.
Chapter Sixteen – The Master is angered by Lauriana stabbing him, and he makes her sicker. The Master Healer at the elven village hates humans and refuses to allow the healing. Heartbroken the party prepares to leave and is stopped by Maurenthia, a young elven healer who offers to heal Lauriana. After the healing Lauriana must fight The Master in her dreams to drive him from her mind. After three days she’s still unconscious. Petrick has an idea that might help and enlists Jenessa’s help.
Chapter Seventeen – Lauriana fights her way out of The Master’s dream world and wakes up free if the poison. She discovers The Master wants her to have his child so he can become invincible. Petrick doesn’t return from the dream world in time and Zeke frees him. Lauriana and Mikell argue and later come to an understanding. Mikell has a surprise for Lauriana.
Chapter Eighteen – Lauriana rests a few days in the elven village. Mikell decided to ask Lauriana to be his wife. Ash discovers that The Master needs an heir before the fall of the next year. If she can stay out of his clutches by the winter solstice she’ll be able to go home. Lauriana agrees to marry Mikell, and then has a fight with Marcus. Zeke says the planet are aligning in such a way tonight that he can send Lauriana home, but she will never be able to return. Unable to decide Lauriana runs from the hall.
Chapter Nineteen – Lauriana decides to stay because she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t help Mikell’s world. She finds out the Ari was going to propose the day she was transported to this world. Because she doesn’t think she’ll ever see Ari again she marries Mikell. The elven healer acts suspicious and insists on leaving with the party. The party sets out for the Arcane Mountains. Tandril questions the healer’s behavior.
Chapter Twenty Part One – The party stops at Traverse City to pick up supplies and are forced to stay in town because of a snowstorm. Two people from Mikell’s past are in town, Selina, who had wanted to marry him and Kesar who wants to kill him. Kesar finds Mikell and forces him into a fight by having one of his men grab Lauriana. Mikell is seriously injured and near death. He can only by save by Zeke. But, Zeke is in a meditative trance and can’t be awakened until morning.
Chapter Twenty Part Two – Lauriana waits by Mikell’s bedside for Zeke to awake. Master Hartford visits Ash (his mother) and the reader discovers the Ash is really Lauriana’s Aunt, but hasn’t told her yet. Zeke heals Mikell in the nick of time. Mikell goes after Kesar wanting to end the feud once and for all. The Master explains to Martika why he hates Lauriana and Mikell so much. He loved one of Lauriana’s ancestor’s and she left him for an ancestor of Mikell’s. The Master ended up killing them both. Lauriana waits in her room with her cousins for Mikell and the other men to return. The door crashes open and three large men burst in.
Chapter Twenty-One
-1-
Satisfied that the ranger had made proper arrangements to keep the girl safe, The Master waved his hand and the spying mirror went dark. He sipped his wine as he stroked his blue amulet. His daily viewings of Lauriana had been just a way to keep track of her, but now it was all he looked forward to. She reminded him more of Davinia each day. The fact that she married the ranger angered him, but if he was going to redeem himself, he had to overlook such mistakes. He had to realize that the girl was young and didn’t know what she wanted. He could help her see her true desires and that her destiny lay at his side.
This was so unexpected… if he could get her to love him… He threw his glass at the wall. Glass fragments showered the red carpet. Damn her. He had thought he was beyond such petty emotions. He could not allow them to alter his plans.
-2-
The sky had finally cleared up and the temperature was rising. Dirty clumps of wet snow clung to his boots. The street empty of people was only half-cleared of snow, as if some had quit half way through the job. Mikell moved closer to the elf. They were still one hundred yards from the warehouse. The other men followed closely.
He kept his voice low. “How many have you spotted?” His eyes were good, better than any human he knew of, but his vision couldn’t compete with an elf’s.
“Six so far,” Tandril said. “Two on the rooftops and four watching out windows.”
He nodded. Just as he suspected. The streets were too quiet and they were being watched. Kesar was expecting him. He had to finish this before Kesar sent more men after his wife. Mikell turned to Zeke. “After we’re all in the warehouse I want you to magically seal the room. No one comes in and no one goes out until this is done.”
Zeke nodded. “Are you sure you don’t want me to intervene?”
He locked eyes with the wizard. “This is my fight. You’re only here to make sure the fight remains fair.”
Marcus let out a sound of disgust. “How can you be fair with that man? You said yourself Kesar will go to any lengths to hurt you. He’s already hurt my sister, a woman you claim to love.”
“I don’t know how they do things in your world. In this world most men have honor.”
“You can’t win a war by playing fair.”
“No you can’t.” Mikell stopped in front of the warehouse. “But this isn’t a war.” He turned around and looked at his friends. “Let’s go in. Remember you’re only here to make sure Kesar’s men don’t try to help him.”
A blast of heat hit him as he entered. Smoke billowed out of a small stove in the back of the room and the smell of sweat and ale lingered in the air. After a few seconds, his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. Kesar stood in the middle, sword in his hand. Mikell scanned the room, only one exit and ten of Kesar’s men roamed the room.
Kesar smirked. “It was good of you to come. I’ve been expecting you.”
“Let’s just get this over with.”
“I see you brought some friends. You weren’t planning on putting be at an unfair advantage now, were you?”
“I’ll leave the dirty tricks to you. My friends are only here to make sure your men do not interfere.”
“Shall we start?” Kesar put up his sword and charged, swinging at Mikell’s head. Mikell threw his sword up to block and quickly struck a blow of his own driving his enemy back. Kesar countered and then dropped to his knees crashing into Mikell’s legs and sending him to the floor. Kesar jumped to his feet and brought his sword down aimed at Mikell’s head. Mikell rolled out of the way and sprang to his feet as Kesar’s sword crashed into the floor.
“I didn’t think it was possible but you’ve gotten better,” Kesar said. “I wonder if it’ll be enough to save you.”
“Let’s skip the small-talk and finish this.”
Kesar charged again, and again Mikell deflected the swipe and countered. Kesar blocked the blow. “Maybe we should talk about your wife. A delicious looking little thing. I’ll be sure to help myself later.”
“You’ll have to be still standing,” Mikell growled.
Mikell studied the man’s form as they exchanged blows. The only sound was the clashing of metal against metal and his owning breathing. His arms and legs stung with minor wounds. Kesar had several cuts as well. He knew was likely to only get one chance to take Kesar out, and didn’t intend to miss it. He started to see a pattern. Every fourth swipe with his sword the man would try to fake him out. He would start to move one way and then swing another.
Mikell ran toward Kesar his sword raised. Kesar stuck a foot out trying to trip him. Mikell leapt over Kesar’s foot and spun away. He wasn’t fast enough. The sword sliced through his leather tunic and into his side. He felt warm blood trickle down his side. He knew he would have to get the wound attended to soon, but he was in no immediate danger.
The next time Kesar tried to fake him out, Mikell pivoted, came in under Kesar’s arm, and drove his sword home. Kesar dropped to his knees. Mikell pulled his sword free.
Kesar laughed. “Well met.” The laugh turned to a cough and he spat out blood. He continued to laugh as he dropped the rest of the way to the floor.
“What’s so funny?”
“You lose.”
“What?”
Kesar coughed and spat out blood again. “I sent five of my best men to take care of your wife this morning. They were instructed to pay her a visit after you and the other men left.”
Mikell yelled and drove his sword through the man’s skull. A sickening crunch filled the air. He looked at his friends.
“You go,” Sledge said. “Take the old wizard. The rest of us can take care of this lot.”
-3-
“Get behind me,” Lauriana said. As her cousins moved behind her, she heard another crash in the hallway. Her heart thudded in her chest. Ash was fighting her own battle and it didn’t sound like it’d end soon. She had to protect her cousins.
She waved her sword in front of her. “Stay back, I’m warning you.”
The man in the middle, the largest of the three chuckled. “Isn’t that cute now.”
“Don’t kid yourself. I know how to use this.”
The man grinned. “That may be true darlin’, but I don’t think you can take all three of us at the same time”
“Try me.” She knew he was right, but she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of admitting it. She waved her sword again, her heart in her throat. With luck on her side she could keep them busy long enough for Ash to return.
The men stepped into the room. The largest one spat on the floor. “Come with us quietly and no one will get hurt, yet.”
Lauriana swallowed hard. “Not a chance.”
“Darlin, we both know that me and my friends are going to have our way with you and your pretty young friends here. Wouldn’t it be better to submit and avoid the pain we can cause?”
“I’d rather die first and that would piss off your boss, wouldn’t it? Kesar wants me for himself.”
The smile fell from his craggy face. “Kesar said he wanted you alive. He didn’t say what condition he wanted you in.”
She moved away from her cousins. The men followed flanking her. The largest man passed a long knife from one hand to the other. He rushed in thrusting the knife forward. She swung her sword and deflected the knife just in time. The grimy man on the left moved in closer his knife drawn. Lauriana understood their plan. While the one kept her busy, the other would come up behind her. She couldn’t do anything about it. The large man sprang at her again. She turned head away from the grimy man to deflect the knife.
The grimy man cried out. She jerked her head around. Her eyes widened. A dagger protruded from his shoulder.
“That was only a warning,” Winnie said. “Next time you’ll lose something dear.”
The third man. Where did he go? Lauriana deflected the knife away and this time brought her sword around again to knock the knife out of the large man’s hand. He screamed in pain and dropped to his knees. His arm and hand turned red. Her stomach roiled, the man’s arm had nearly been severed at the elbow. The third man took a step toward her.
“Oh no you don’t!” Jenessa threw a small fireball at the third man’s chest knocking him across the room and into the wall, tipping the small table over on the way. The man slumped and slid to the floor.
Lauriana looked at her cousin. She was impressed. She didn’t think Jenessa had it in her to try to harm another person. “Quickly, there’s rope in my pack. Can you tie a strong knot?”
Jenessa nodded. She fished the rope out of the pack. Lauriana kept her sword on the two men that were still conscious. Winnie and Jenessa tied the men up. Just as they finished with the last knot the noise in the hallway died down. Ash and Maurenthia walked in.
“Is everyone okay?” the elven healer asked.
Lauriana let out a sigh of relief. “Everything’s under control.”
Ash pointed to her left forearm. “Ye best let me look at that arm.”
She looked down at her arm. She was so pumped with adrenaline she hadn’t even noticed the long gash in her arm. Her arm started to throb and sting like someone was grinding a hot poker into it.
-4-
Lauriana stared out the window, her sword in hand. She didn’t know why she bothered. All she could see from the window was the alley. She looked at the others sitting quietly watching her. They had stopped trying to comfort her about an hour ago when she kept snapping at them. She was tense with worry. Every minute that went by that Mikell didn’t return the more she worried. Every sound made her jump. Her sword arm started to ache. She looked at her white knuckled hand and eased her grip on the hilt.
Footsteps sounded in the hall. She turned toward the door wondering if she dared to hope that Mikell had returned. The doorknob turned. Lauriana tightened the grip on her sword.
Mikell strode in and quickly assessed the situation. He looked at the three men tied up and grabbed his wife by the arms. “Did they hurt you?”
She gasped at the sight of his blood soaked tunic, dropped her sword on the bed, and ran to him. “I’m fine. Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Zeke healed me.”
The wizard smiled. “I just pointed out to him that he could get back to you sooner if he allowed me to heal him first.” He scowled at the three men. “I will just escort these scoundrels to the authorities.”
The others followed Zeke out. When she and Mikell were alone Lauriana turned her back to him, and walked back to the window. Now that she knew he was okay, fury welled up inside her.
“What happened to Kesar?” she asked.
“He’s dead. It’s over now.”
She closed her eyes and let out a sigh of relief, but was still too angry to look at him.
“Is there something wrong?”
She ran at him and swung a closed fist at his head. He grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her against him. She looked up and glared at him. “How could you do that to me? Keep me here when you were in danger. Do you have any idea what you put me through? Do you have any idea how I felt?”
“I can imagine much the way I felt when you were in The Master’s dream world fighting him and there was nothing I could do about it,” he said quietly.
She stared at him for a long moment as all her anger dissipated, then threw her arms around him and buried her face in his chest. He stroked her hair.
“I’m sorry. It was my fight. I couldn’t risk you getting hurt because of me.”
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Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how you’re slowly showing more of who the Master is at heart, and that he’s not who we would’ve expected.
“Dirty clumps of wet snow clung to his boots”—Who’s boots? Mikell and the elf aren’t mentioned until the sentence after next.
“The street empty of people was only half-cleared of snow, as if some had quit half way through the job.” -- Consider: The street was empty of people and only half-cleared of snow as if someone left their job unfinished. -OR- The street, empty of people, was only half-cleared of snow, the job unfinished.
“You can’t win a war by playing fair.”
“No you can’t.” Mikell stopped in front of the warehouse. “But this isn’t a war.” —Since Mikell is a ranger, it seems strange he would just leave it at this. I would expect a ranger to comment something like sticking to principals would win a war of souls which is much more important than physical war. Or at least mention he’d rather lose the war than lose his integrity and spirit…?
“You weren’t planning on putting be at an unfair advantage now, were you?” —putting me at
This battle scene is better than your first few because it drags out longer. The only thing I would suggest is describing angles of attack, positions of limbs and feet movement. A battle has many elements to consider to make it feel real (like balance and obstacles, chance and height and weight and speed variations combined with what weapons who’s using, etc…) because even if the battle is chosen, how it plays out is almost random and unpredictable. I know you said you’re not used to describing battle scenes, so I think if you just add a little footwork and maybe how they position their arms to strike from whatever angle would go a long way.
The battle description improves when Mikell starts studying his opponent’s moves. I found two typos in that paragraph: “owning” and “He knew was likely”—Also you mention they exchange blows but not that anyone got cut until Mikell’s wounds are stinging and Kesar has cuts too. That seems like they just suddenly appeared. Consider “as they exchanged blows and minor cuts.”
“The sword sliced through his leather tunic…” —Kesar’s sword?
“The third man. Where did he go?” —This reads a little awkward. Plus at the end of the paragraph the third man takes a step toward her.
When Mikell comes in he grabs Lauriana by the arms, but one of her arms is gashed and she only gasps at his wound? Maybe you could change that to where Mikell only grabs one of her arms?
Doesn’t Lauriana and the others who stayed behind wonder why Tandril and Sheridan and Sledge didn’t come back with Mikell?
Nice action-packed chapter. Next!
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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Absolutely wonderful. The dialogue was clear and well put together. You could use just a bit more detail in the events of the fighting but otherwise it was written well. I gave you high ratings because you have talent and a great imagination which is everything a writer should be when writing Sci Fi & Fantasy. You have a lot of room to add more descriptions and probably a dialogue. Again, absolutely wonderful. How can I get the first twenty chapters?
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the vision of the Master stroking the amulet. I can easily visualize this. It paints a kind of sinister picture for the reader to ponder.
“You weren’t planning on putting be at an unfair advantage now, were you?” Check this sentence for clarity.
A very effective fight scene. realistic banter. It feels like i am watching a movie.
Go laurianna!!
You have completed a very fine installment. Please keep me posted. I cannot improve. The above is all i have.
judy reviewed Version 1 -
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HI!
All comments and/or suggestions are strictly my opinion. I hope there is something that I offer that can help you. :) Partial texts with no comments are due to a grammar or punctuation error that I found and tried to fix.
I like the beginning paragraph where ‘human’ feelings are still alive in the Master. Jealousy is such a strong emotion.
Glass fragments…I would scratch glass.
:) “You don’t win wars by playing fair.” Nice
I like the dialogue you have flowing between your characters.
... room, and the smell…
..putting (m)e at an unfair…
The fight scene ..hmm..reads just a little rough. I have fight scenes in my novel, and they are so very hard to write. I wish I had a helpful hint to be of assistance, but I don’t. :( I think it might help eliminating the repeat of the formal name usage.
Maybe try this…sending him to the floor. In one lithe movement Kesar was back on his feet, swinging his sword at his adversary’s head… Not the best I know, but maybe there is something that sparks an idea.
...and his own breathing.
He knew was likely to only get one … This sentence reads a little rough.
..and into his side. He felt warm blood trickle down his side. I would switch the second side, maybe waist. ...trickle down his waist and flowing down his leg. Maybe?
As for the ending, I would try a little drama. Not exactly this, but maybe it will flip a little light on….Mikell pivoted, swinging under Kesars arm, and drove the blade home, slicing through the man’s(?) flesh.
I like the way he died.
I like how you did the fight with Lauriana and her cousins. Took the stupid men out fast.
I think the sentence starting ..She looked up and glared…should be in it’s own paragraph.
Nice Job!! I like your story. :)
chrisrose331 reviewed Version 1 -
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The chapter recaps helped me get into this chapter. I liked your descriptions and your characters are very well “built” for lack of a better word.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Again, great chapter. Errors I spotted:
“You weren’t planning on putting be at an unfair advantage now” ‘be’ should be ‘me’
“The only sound was the clashing of metal against metal and his owning breathing” ‘owning’ should be ‘own’
“The sword sliced through his leather tunic and into his side. He felt warm blood trickle down his side.” The repetition here doesn’t sound right. Instead of ‘his side’ for both of the sentences, maybe try ‘his ribs’ for one of them.
“She turned head away from the grimy man to deflect the knife” this sentence doesn’t sound right. I don’t know what you meant here.
“He looked at the three men tied up and grabbed his wife by the arms. “Did they hurt you?”
She gasped at the sight of his blood soaked tunic, dropped her sword on the bed, and ran to him.” How did Mikell grab her by the arms, and then she dropped her sword and ran to him?
I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of reading about Lauriana and Mikell. I hope you get this published one day!
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! This is downright exciting! You dialog with ease and narrate with expertise. Kudos. I’ve enjoyed the fighting scene between Mikell and Kesar. Boy, the end of this with Lauriana heated up left my mouth wide open. Great chapter ending that fuels you to read more even though it’s not a cliffhanger.
Here’s some humble fixies.
-Scene 2-
You weren’t planning on putting be(me) at an
He knew (he) was likely to only get one chance to take Kesar
-Scene 3-
...she heard another crash in the hallway. Her heart thudded in her chest. Ash was fighting her own battle and it didn’t sound like it’d end soon. You just need to set up the scene a little more. Are her cousins behind Lauriana edging out of the doorway? Do they see Ash throwing bolts, invisible thingies at the men? or are the girls hearing this commotion?
-Scene 4-
She looked at the others sitting,(comma) quietly watching her
Mikell didn’t return,(comma) the more
...and grabbed his wife by the arms. Delete this part because in the next sentence Lauriana drops her sword on the bed and runs to him.
When she and Mikell were alone,(comma) Lauriana turned her back to him(,delete comma) and walked
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