Flash Fiction / Mockery (Analysis)
In my previous life when we were deer, my mother and I, I pranced the floors of our dirty home. she prance too, loud, stomping the hooves of her feet against the creaks and crack of our wooden floors. Walking back and forth chest thrust forward. For so long now have our guests been brightly impressed with my mother. Moments later I am challenged; A visitor to our circus, he doesn’t know it is all for show. Moments later I am slapped by the hoof of his foot, again I am thrown into the dirty walls of our living room, again I charge at him. He falls into wooden shelves and destroys anything that may have been inside. Our guests, so highly entertained, laugh and make a mockery of him. They point with dirty hooves and curse from the mangled teeth of their foul mouths. Our visitor, his competition really with himself, now fueled by anger, charges back. Again, I am hurt. Again I’ve fallen down. I kick my legs and roll over to stand. Again I am slapped. Again I am charged. Now that he is on top of me, and the spinning ceiling begins to slow, I can’t breathe. I screech for him to get off. He doesn’t budge. It’s getting so hot beneath him. Again I screech. He doesn’t budge. I cant breathe. His breath is hot as he huffs against the fur of my skin. The ceiling is slowing. Slower. I can’t breathe. I can’t scream. The guests laugh and cheer. My mother, who had been yelling for me to pin him for sometime now curse at me through browned teeth. I am snatched from under him by the fur of my neck. A curtesy of my mother’s anger. When the ceiling starts to catch up with my heart beat I cower, I cant breathe. Soon, I am shoved by the head beneath the pit of her arm until I am locked in by my neck. Again, she prances. Again, I am hurt. my throat gasp only to be squeezed shut by the force of her arm. By the power of her muscle. By the constant jerking of her prance. Again, I cannot screech. I can hardly cry. Now, you cant breathe. she scorns. Moments later I am thrown to the dirt of our floor like meat to wolves. The vultures have arrived now to pick live flesh from my battered bones, but I gallop in retreat back to the safety of my room as they lag behind with the guests who laugh and curse. Our visitor is named champion by my mother eyes. The ceiling stops.
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This 32 word review has not been unlocked.
Your second sentence needs capitalization and prance should be pranced. And why not ‘creaks and crack(s)”?
“hoof of his foot”? An animal has one or the other. This sounds like both.
“fur of my skin” – sounds odd. Either just leave it as fur or change of to on.
“curse at me” – should be ‘curses’
“cant” – missing apostrophe – twice
“fur of my neck” – again, awkward
“curtesy” – courtesy.
“she scorns” needs capitalization.
Overall it’s interesting but it’s hard to read with all the mistakes and lack of paragraphs. Make it easier for the reader.
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