Thanks for the comment but I dont believe you understand where i am coming from. This story is
real. I am the ‘I’ here. And the point of the story is teh fact that there is no emotion, its not allowed. I wrote this as I sat in my rig after this call. I don’t know how to explain why I wrote this as is, but to tell you to try and read it as if you were the ‘I’.
Non-fiction / Typical
Aug 23, 2005
Its been a busy night. We’ve only been on shift for 5 hours and we’ve already had a DOA and a 5 person multiple-casualty incident (MCI) in South Central. The day started slow. My partner and I stood around the station and did nothing, totally useless for almost an hour until another crew came off-shift and gave us their rig. Well really, they brought us our rig. Her name is Antigone, not so much after the famous Greek play, but after one of me and my partner’s favorite band, Antigone Rising. So after we get our rig, we head to Sepulveda and Avalon, where the gas station is, and we get a call for an “unconscious” in 127’s district. The call is right down the street from us so we are first on. Ryan grabs the jump bag, clip board and throws a backboard on top of the gurney that I’m pulling out of the back. Outside there are people crying, hugging each other. I think to myself, “Full arrest.” We walk inside and a LA County Sheriff meets us in the living room.
“go on and do your thing guys, but she’s gone.” Ryan nods and heads into the back of the house. The smell hits me, a combination of rotting food, urine and dead body. Dead bodies, freshly dead bodies anyways, have a certain smell that is as instantly recognizable as that of decomposing bodies. Neither is very pleasant and neither is easy to get rid of. Ryan and I walk into a dark, dank room, littered with trash and a layer of some unknown liquid on the floor. Ryan starts tossing trash out of the way and clearing a path to the body. I try and get some light into the room. When we can finally get to the lady we see she is wedged into the corner of the wall and the floor, under the door of the oven, beneath the open freezer door. All of the food in the freezer has melted already so we know she’s been gone a while. Ryan grabs one arm and I grab the other and we half carry, half drag her into the center of the floor. Her body is stiff and unyielding. Ryan rolls her face towards the ceiling and a torrent of saliva and vomit comes pouring out her nose and mouth. I hear Ryan gag and he runs outside. I go to the living room and the paramedics are walking in.
“breathe through your noses, gentlemen, she don’t smell too good.” I say as they walk into the room and perform their mandatory assessment. They call her onscene and Ryan and I pack our stuff and go outside. The sunlight is blinding and the air is so fresh. I joke with the medics as we load our gear into the rig, quietly, mindful of the family sobbing on the porch. I’m hungry now, so we grab a bite to eat and make our way into Lawndale. A shooting victim goes out on the fire radio and we hear 4341, the dedicated Inglewood car get it.
“Be safe, guys” I think to myself. “hope it’s fun” we get moved up to cover Inglewood and Ryan starts talking about the possibility that we’ll get a second unit call as he listens to the traffic on the fire radio.
“4322. Second in guys” I hear dispatch say. Ryan and I high-five as I hit my lights and get my siren wailing. We haul to get there and the red-light god is smiling down on us because we hit every green all the way down century blvd and we are there in record time. There are 2 engines, an ambulance and at least 10 patrol cars blocking the westbound side of Imperial Hwy. More cops are trying to get the crowd out of the crime scene and the cars off the street. I see 4341 still working their patient. He’s face-up in he alley. I cant see where he’s hit nor how much blood there is but I can see that they are assisting ventilations and starting IV’s. I see a flash of light. A medic is trying for my attention. I look over and he calls that the second patient is in the stairwell. Ryan and I grab all our equipment and work through the crowd. Ryan takes the spine board inside while I lower the gurney and release the straps. Then I see him. He’s probably 10 years old, a cute kid, the kind that smiles and gets away with murder because his momma loves him so much. He’s sitting just to the left of the stairwell door, his knees curled up to his chest, rocking silently as tears run rivers down his cheeks. I wonder where his parents are, why the deputies have left him here alone. I start in his direction but Ryan hollers for me and my patient is my first priority. I make a mental note to get him help. I start up the stairs and I see feet hanging off the top step. Big feet, but big little boy feet. I get up to a position that I can help from and we roll the patient onto the spine board. It’s a kid, maybe 14 or 15. He’s calm, quiet, wincing a little as we strap him in. “hello there” I say with a smile. He gives me a weak grin and a ten pound weight has been lifted from my chest. i hate it when little kids die but those kids, trying their damndest to be sdults in this crazy world. those are the ones that really get me. I find out later he was shot in the back as he ran up the stairs from the gunman. We carry him down the steps and I feel, not for the first time, insanely grateful that Im not a small person, that i have th estability and strength to do a job like this. My heart stops for a second when his father asks if he’s okay. “it aint no big thang. I’m cool” he replies. I look around but the crying child is gone. I hope he is safe in someone’s arms. We load up as 4341 is loading theirs. We find out someone has discovered a third patient and a third rig is on the way. 4341 is going to Harbor UCLA’s trauma bay. So are we. I follow them and we fly down the streets, hop on the freeway and bully everyone out of our way with the secondary lights. As I pull into the parking lot I find that it is full. All 20 spaces are occupied by one sort of emergency vehicle or another and rigs are starting to double parking themselves. I follow suit. We let 4341 go in ahead of us, as their patient has completely crashed and they are now doing rolling CPR. We go into the ER and the first thing I notice is the blood. There are trails of blood everywhere, leading to and from the parking lot, across the ER, going to and from the CT scanner. There is blood everywhere. The poor maintained crews are standing around, unable to clean anything up because of the sheer number of trauma patient in the ER. I have never seen so many trauma patient in one place. All three trauma bays are full, one is in CT Scan and 4 medical beds have been ghetto rigged into trauma beds. Our kid is gonna be just fine. He got lucky, real lucky. 4341’s guy gets called almost at the door and a deputy is assigned to his body since his death is a homicide. We learn later that there was a 7 victim shooting in another city in Harbor’s jurisdiction at the same time as our 7 victim shooting. Because Harbor is the only trauma facility in the area, since Killer King Drew was closed, they got swamped with every patient. Ryan and I wait until the third crew from our shooting pulls in. theirs is a gunshot to the head. The kid, maybe 20, 22, will die later from it. He is slowly dying as they wheel him in, the intracranial pressure and injuries to his brain making him combative and wild. He is fighting a good fight for his life but he will lose eventually. They almost always do. The rest of the night is slow. Ryan cleans and I play my guitar. I’ve learned a scale. I’m proud of myself. You have to cherish the little things in life, especially when you are reminded constantly how short this whole gig is, and how unexpected to curtain call can be.
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steviemchugh reviewed Version 1 -
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The subject matter is very interesting, and I hope the writer writes more of his/her experiences. The concluding thoughts really tie everything up nicely.
I’ve pointed out some technical errors and then realized the whole piece needs proofreading and similar clean-up.
“5 person multiple-casualty incident” should be “five-person”…
You start off “busy night” and then three sentences later say “the day started slow.” This comes off as unorganized writing.
This sentence makes no sense to me: “A shooting victim goes out on the fire radio and we hear 4341, the dedicated Inglewood car get it.”
“i hate it when little kids die but those kids, trying their damndest to be sdults in this crazy world. those are the ones that really get me.” This needs capitals for the first words in the sentences and “adults” instead of “sdult”
“Im not a small person, that i have th estability and strength to do a job like this.” Should be “I’m”, …”the stability (?)” –not estability
“rigs are starting to double parking themselves.” Take out “starting to” or change “parking” to “park”.
“and how unexpected to curtain call can be.” Should be “the curtain call”
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BrianA reviewed Version 1 -
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This was good personal insight into author’s typical day. Good, in that it exposes and informs the reader of real life and situations that they are not familiar with or that they have wondered about (possibly stimulated by TV shows). But this is very real. Yeah, these fellows joke in the face of highly dangerous and distasteful work – understandable – they are human too.
To be critical, just a few things (largely well written IMO):
Didn’t understand eschewing the use of capitalization in dialogue.
`….nothing(,); totally…’
`The poor maintained crews…’ – did you mean `maintenance’? Not that crews are under equipted.
`patient(s)’
`…pulls in. theirs is a gunshot to the head.’ – This sentence to me us insufficient (too colloquial) (I realize this is natural way of referring for you) think you need to say `their patient/admission or whatever you refer to transported injured as’
As you are relating events that are close and familiar to you, need to be careful not to step over details that may not be clear to reader, though obvious to you. eg `They call her onscene…’ Took me a while to figure out what was meant was `woman pronounced deceased’.
Paragraphs: I can see you possibly have some paragraph breaks in earlier part. Suggest you need to break up text. New paragraph for each peaker or change of pov. You have `…LA County Sheriff meets us in the living room.
“go on and do your thing guys…’ in which speaker identified in one para and speaks in the next. In the latter part of the piece there seems to be no paragraphs. They would make the text easier to read (suggest block paragraphs for Urbis) and add impact to the text. eg `I see a flash of light….’ or `“it aint no big thang…’ `The rest of the night… pos. para breaks.
The ending was good and matter of fact – it is after all characters daily life. You did a lot of good things in this piece – the fact that you take/guide the reader through a series of settings and action is no mean accomplishment. I enjoyed reading it. Good luck with this.
Shadowboxer reviewed Version 1 -
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Stylistically this flows very well and keeps the reader engaged. You have a very natural writing style that makes your work a pleasure to read – even when the subject matter is not. I especially like the juxtaposition of the tragic with the commonplace—just as in real life.
The writing itself comes off a little rushed, though, and could use just a little cleaning up in terms of paragraph breaks and typos. Still, it clearly flows from the heart and has a very immediate feel to it. The reader (this one, anyway) feels like she or he is riding shotgun on your calls.
Unfortunately, it looks like you’ll have no shortage of subject matter from which to draw!
Nancy
rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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This needs a major edit. There are dozens of problems, and most of them are thanks to your paragraph structure, lack of proper punctuation, and telling the reader everything. Why don’t you show us the kid wincing in pain, rather than telling us? Why don’t you show the reader how his face is contorted and small whimpers are coming from his mouth? Why don’t you make us feel for the kid, rather than just thinking ‘lucky’? Also, you need to go through this with a fine tooth comb for spelling errors.
Personally, you are going at this the wrong way, in my mind. You are strictly telling us how the day went for a parmedic (or, at least, that was what I got from the piece). You aren’t showing us any emotion. It seems almost cruel because of the matter of fact tone. If this was what you were going for, why don’t you show us a little more of WHY people have to act like that.
Deanne reviewed Version 1 -
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I am out of my experience here when I say I think freshly dead bodies and decomposing ones being compared to in the odor department is unnecessary. If they are dead and smell, they are decomposing, whether they are hamburgers or people.
Rigs are starting to double-parking themselves sounds like a mistake ; do you mean double-park themselves?
It’s very very good, the kind of thing I wished I’d written when I was in such jobs or with someone who was and talked a lot. You did real well, with a perfect ending to it.
I don’t know why UCLA doesn’t bother with a trauma unit outside of it’s Harborside satellite, and where is the USC medical campus ER? I know there’s a hospital because I was second-opinioned there.
Anyway, this went by so fast it was no trouble at all to take in 1460 words for a unique change on this site. Publish it my friend- it’s perfet and I hope you have a book’s worth of stories on the subject.
Roxy reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very well done. The only suggestions I would make, are to seperate the paragraphs and the dialogue to make it a little easier to read. But overall, this was an interesting piece.
trerin02 reviewed Version 1 -
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Great writing. I was grossed out by the imagery. You did a great job with it.
AnneBeth22 reviewed Version 1 -
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The story is great. I think that anyone who has such an interesting job (like yours) will always make for a good story no matter how poor the writing and style may be. As far as that is concerned, if you could clean this up, spell-check it, fix up grammar and punctuation issues, and work on making it sound more professional, then that might help out a bit. Even as it is though, it reads well since the job you work at reads the way this piece does—fast-moving, choppy, sometimes confusing, and blunt.
Stoker_X reviewed Version 1 -
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more more more!! heh, write more!
Mr_Pebbles reviewed Version 1 -
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This was an original piece. Well written. Interesting. I think that you might want to go easy on the technical jargon in your first paragraph. It makes the piece hard to get into.
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