Thank you for the review. I was thinking about changing my line structure.
Poetry / To Rico: The Muscular Nightmare Using Drugs for Sex (Analysis)
He was that dude from around the way,
hanging on campus offering
every big booty his opulent desires.
Under the Carolina sky he used
carnal goods to unlock our
over-nourished truths.
At the start of each school year,
clocking the college parties,
as the drug-stained man our daddy's
warned us about.
But grown women do grown things,
so I decided to pop that thang.
He lead our first dance with the white powder.
I couldn’t resist his naked propensity for
dirty deeds because he offered me nothing more
than sugared dreams.
His down girl, bottom bitch,
forever I languished on his black sheets
inside his crammed apartment of opulent
promises.
While I laughed for mercy, and begged for more
snow
he pushed his way into my restless pregnant soul.
Taking a little in my nose,
emotional I embraced his scripture.
Strung-out on his rolled dollar bill and
killer thrusts.
Soon Heaven tasted like a metallic after-thought.
on my heavy tongue.
Never acknowledging I traded my soul for his
request for one more.
My innocence sniffed away.
Gone was my brain, until his dark kisses
belonged to his other mistress.
My disgrace carried me back home, to
the small town of forgotten avenues.
and he is forever my rolling stone.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
1turkiegirl reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
You have some references to race and color that are unclear. You may have meant nothing by these, but if you did you should examine where certain words evoke certain connections. Just an observation.
S2 L6 “pop that thang” although this sounds good here, the slang is inconsistent with the previous lines. If you are suggesting a shift in speaker or something else—it is a little unclear.
S4 L1 “His down girl, bottom bitch” also different language, but here maybe character is quoting Rico.
The piece is nice, the ending is tight, and other than developing the change in dialect or shift in speaker (through character’s memory or otherwise). I would say give Rico some more lines/dialogue.
- add/view comments (0)
CJ7 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“hanging on campus offering” I would consider making offering plural
“as the drug-stained man
our daddy’s
warned us about.” – Would consider writing the lines like that so that it’s a better flow.
“Soon Heaven tasted like a metallic after-thought.
on my heavy tongue.” no period after ‘after-thought’
I like it. I’d listen to this performed.
Tola reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Good poem. Very, very atmospheric. Your work conjures up a very real world and lets us, the readers, in on some very private moments and ultimately a very dark time for the poet.
The rhythm of the words is very strong most of the time and your choice of words is vivid and true.
I particularly like ‘I languished on his black sheets’ – of course, they would be black. It fits with the ‘dude’.
I don’t know if you meant to use the word ‘opulent’ in two verses or not but when I read it it jarred slightly.
Otherwise, great work. Keep it up.
HumanWrites reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
So many times people use allusions to make “intelligent” poetry that is nearly unintelligible to the reader. You do not make this mistake. I love the raw, direct edge of your voice. Here are few suggestions. In the first line, you might move the word “offering” down to the next line to be with “every big booty his . . .”. In the line, “I couldn’t resist his naked propensity for
dirty deeds because he offered me nothing more than sugared dreams.” You could substitute the word “because” with “even though” or “although” or “when”. I may be misunderstanding the meaning, but I think the fact that you say he offered you “nothing more than sugared dreams” shows that you knew that he offered nothing more than that. Might bring “dirty deeds” up to be with the line above. This is really a great piece of work.
melseid reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
at first, i was rather uncertain about some of your language usage. the ‘trendy’ parts- “dude”, “big booty”, “pop that thang”... but on a second and third read, i think they convey a proper tone. a kind of youth and its accompanying confident charisma. it more than works.
really then, i find your tone to become profoundly sensual (with your mentions of a “restless pregnant soul”, and “Heaven tasted like a metallic after-thought”). all the while, i think you maintained a feeling of progression.
what i think i liked best about this, is imagining it used as a performance piece. i actually think that would be the best forum for this, and in putting it there, i believe i would personally change very little. the one change i think i would make would be in removing an “opulent”. you use it twice, and it is a good word, but i have to believe you can find a fitting synonym.
all the best!
phineus reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think the poem would be a great performance piece based on it’s content and powerful imagery.
thecontactsolution09 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The story of this poem is really moving in a tragic way. However, I feel as if there have been many poems written about similar topics or situations. If you were to continue writing poetry, especially a book, I would be interested to see if this piece was part of some type of theme. Overall very nice job, this would be great for a performance!
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This piece needs some editting work, but before that you need to pick your voice. If this is written as the former drug-whore, use her way of speaking as in the first few lines “dude” and “big booty” and later “pop that thang” and so on. If it is written as a better person looking down on the scummy underbelly, keep up with “opulent” and “propensity” and “languished”. I don’t think this piece can have both unless you include a slow progression of time. Start out ghetto and slang and end up in the upper-middle class crazy-days-gone-by adulthood.
Also the punctuation doesn’t fit the structure, you end fragments with periods and sentences with commas. I would suggest losing the punctuation entirely since you plan to read this piece as a performance piece. use dashes or just line breaks.
“At the start of each school year,
clocking the college parties,
as the drug-stained man our daddy’s
warned us about.”
-this is a fragment while “clocking” parties, he did what?
“I couldn’t resist his naked propensity for
dirty deeds because he offered me nothing more
than sugared dreams.”
-this is a flawed cause and effect: you couldn’t resist him BECAUSE he offered you sugared dreams. The “nothing more” suggest you already knew it was an illusion.
“apartment of opulent
promises”
2nd use of opulent, neither is strongly effective. this just feels redundant.
“Never acknowledging I traded my soul for his
request for one more.” -this doesn’t make sense because you are acknowledging that fact with every stanza, unless it is he who is never acknowledging. If it is him, say so. maybe “He never acknowledges my soul was traded for his requests for one more.”
“Gone was my brain” why reverse? My brain was gone fits the rest of the piece better. brain is weak anyway, use a symbol or a metaphor to strengthen it.
“and he is forever my rolling stone.”
cliche and doesn’t fit the piece. How is this abuser your “rolling stone”?
Showing 1 - 8 of 8
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
8 Reviews 7 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 8 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 135 Times
Skipped: 14 Times
Ratings & Rankings
