Wow, Mac, our reviews very similar, except that yours doesn’t have typos. Excellent review. :)
Flash Fiction / The Ant and the Cicada
Next to the trickling creek sits the singing cicada, sunning himself as he plays his minor part in the orchestral sounds commonly associated with deep forest. In good weather, the cicada only stops singing when he eats. When his mouth happens to be full of some deciduous leaves, he hums. It is summer and the weather is the perfect halfway between lazy and content.
On just the other side of the stream, a young ant builds her hill. She can’t hear his song with the white noise of the water running and with what, being so busy and all. Pathways to carve, rooms to hollow.
The storeroom in particular, deep underground, had needed attention. Each day, the prudent ant made it a point to add a little bit against the coming winter. It never dominated the work of a single day, but always took up a part of it. On her way back from collecting a pebble for the mound, she’d stop to pick up a leaf or two, add it to the pile. In time, she had a diverse collection of foodstuffs packed away. She even kept some leaves to feed her aphids (knowing they made a particular kind of honey she loved to eat on really cold mornings).
Winter came, and you guessed it, the Cicada came caroling. “Please, its ever so cold… may I share some of your warmth?”
She told him he could stay on the porch, which had a certain residual heated effect, but was drafty and cramped. He asked for food, and she gave him enough for the night, with no promise of more. Who knows how long winter would be? She was charitable, yes, but prudent first. She spared what she could.
Finding the winter mild and time to spare, the Cicada, with the Ant’s help, build a meager shack in the tree canopy. Nothing fancy. Out of the way, cozy, and small. A less drafty version of the porch. A place the Cicada can call his own.
Just as spring promised in the buds of the trees, a strange smell swept the land. Strange, only because it smelled like snow, for three days it smelt like the air was bracing for a storm. The temperatures plummeted. The Ant invited the Cicada to an uncustomary cup of tea, with some biscuits and cookies. The winter was nearly over, after all. Why not dip a little deeper into the well.
The expected blizzard hit, and the Ant beat the Cicada nine games to two in pinnacle. They played rummy, war, and to her special delight, Spit. They drank cocao and talked about their plans for the next summer. “I will teach you how to sing,” he promised her. “You’re hard work is behind you.”
The snows came furious for four days. Then, just as quick, the sun popped out, the temperature warmed, and the birds flew fast overhead. The Ant and Cicada burrowed out of the hill, through six feet of snow, to sunny skies and full blown spring. They danced.
The temperate kept rising, so much so that they spent comfortable days chewing flowers in the lofty nook in the trees. Then the creek began to swell. As each foot of snow melted there, surely it melted upstream from there as well. The Ant watches as the creek became a fast flowing river. The sun is out, but now all she wants is shade. The waters were nearly at the base of the hill. She watches in horror as they crept and crept. Her front door, so to speak, is at the very top of the hill. Two feet from where the water eventually crested.
She and the Cicada survey the damage two days later, when the creek becomes a creek again. Her porch and front door have some water damage, but were going to be fine with some hard work. Her living area, clean and water tight as the day she left them. Her storeroom, and any hopes for singing lessons in the coming months, damp, moldy, and destroyed.
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quaintfungus reviewed Version 2 -
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When I started reading this I think I expected a little more from you. The stroy is well written. It is likeable and esy to read. However you have taken a folk tale and rewritten it. I think you need to go further from the original to make this worth reading. The Water damages the ants house. I am thinking ’ Is that it?’ She isn’t going to get singing lessons. There isn’t enough emotional impact there for me. I would have the cicada living off her all winter then bringing all his friend round and trashing her house or turning out to be a parasitic celebrity. You have a chance here within this story to sayu something aout modern life and I think you miss it. The story is too close to the original for me.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 2 -
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I’d cut “commonly associated with” and just put “the orchestral sounds of the deep forest”- sounds more poetic, and fiction based, rather than sounding essay-ish. But a good image.
“two, add it to the pile.”- Run on. “adding it to the pile”, or “and adds it to the pile” could work.
“build a meagre”- this should be “builds”. Even though the ant is helping, the clause of the sentence relates to the cicada. So it should be a singular verb. I’m pretty sure.
They start off eating leaves and honey- natural, attainable food for animals- then biscuits and tea are introduced. Products of man. Granted, this is a fantasy fable of sorts, but including all of these in a character’s diet makes us wonder what kind of world the story is set in. As you’ve detailed the creature’s real-world living habits so well (carving the living quarters etc), I’d stick with reality as closely as possible.
Just as everything seems to be working out for the ant, everything is torn down. You describe this effectively.
You might also enjoy a film called Microcosmos, set on a similar small-scale theme.
xoloitsquintli reviewed Version 2 -
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A nice update of the classic ant and grasshopper fable with the cicada being a bit more helpful. I was watching an animated video of sort of an endless spring which made a nice backdrop to your story, I think the would be great for young kids are 10 or so.
MacCrasik reviewed Version 2 -
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How do you feel about striking “commonly associated with” (kind of takes away from the poetry of your opening) and saying like, “orchestral deep forest sounds” ?
“She can’t hear…and all” This could use rewording. It doesn’t read as naturally and conversationally as the rest of the piece.
third paragraph: either the tense is confused, or this reader is confused ;) happens occasionally throughout
its ever so cold = it’s (it is)
Who knows how long winter would be? = either knows/will or knew/would ?
build a meager = built ?
as spring promised in the buds = missing word?
into the well. = needs ? at end
pinnacle = pinochle; you mean the card game, right?
You’re hard work = Your
temperate kept rising = temperature
upstream from there = “from there” is not necessary
Another change in tense; kind of hits the reader between the eyes, but not in a good way ;)
The end is… overdone? The image of damp moldy hopes is hard to conjure, so left me unsettled, not because of her predicament, but because of the words used to describe it.
Very nice simple little story. I had little problem with imagery, good job, or the flow from scene to scene. The only difficulty I had overall was the inconsistent tense and occasional wordiness.
Cheers!
Shiara
BJLankfo reviewed Version 2 -
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It feels like a rewrite of the story of the ant and the cricket. Where the cricket did nothing to prepare himself for the coming winter, and when winter came he wanted the ant to help him and the ant denyed him, conveying a message that you most be prepared.
your story feels like it wants to convey a message that if you help others, they in turn will help you.
On the second page, in the fifth paragraph i would change the last sentence
“She watches in horror as they crept and crept closer to her front door. Until it was two centimeters from her door.” Converting distance what may seem two feet for us may be 2 miles to an ant, so saying two centimeters would be cute.
The end didn’t seem to fit as well as the story itself. It felt that nothing was concluded from the freindship between the cicada and the ant. The story was nice, like i said it felt like a retold of the story of the cricket and the ant.
DCAllen reviewed Version 2 -
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Dialogue between the two characters might bring them to life more. Also, as I point out specifically below, you need to revise this story with consistent tenses in mind.
Notes:
commonly associated with(delete and incorporate deep forest earlier?)
the white noise (pretty immage, but the sentence is a bit clumsy. I’d tighten this up. and all at the end, however, works: it gives us a sense of the ant’s voice.
Is the switch from present tense to past tense intentional?
its ever so = it’s
build a meager = built ?
pinnacle = pinochle ??
You’re hard work = Your
The temperate = temperature ?
Near the end, you switch back to present tense: The Ant watches… (intentional?) but then the waters were nearly. I’d check the tenses throughtout.
The ending is confusiong. Her living area is clean and tight? Is this a positive image? Also the storeroom can be mouldy and damp, but hopes cannot be.
If you are using British English: mouldy rather than moldy.
lolanation reviewed Version 2 -
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I personally hate cicada so I was drawn to this naturally. I liked the idea, my head filled with Shel Silverstein’s Giving Tree and the owl and pussycat kind of lullaby story. I think that there could be some expansion in vocabulary/description. The basics are embedded but I would challenge the writer to be a bit more creative for example “the creek became a creek again” which does make sense but perhaps a little bit more in the description would be feasible – the creek shallowed back to whatever or something… Some tenses to look at as well – “for singing in the coming months, damp moldy and destroyed” for singing lessons in the coming months were … as writers we can only perfect…nice idea and flow.
lifetimeproblems reviewed Version 2 -
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Interesting. Not really my cup of tea, but well written with no real complaints. Good work!
observingowl reviewed Version 2 -
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To consider:
Minor misspellings; “Why not dip a little deeper into the well.” needs a ”?”
“The Ant watches” I think you meant “d’ but typed “s”. “She watches in horror as they crept and crept” How about creep and creep? Unless that’s wrong…
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