Thanks for the review :)
Poetry / Standing
Standing in the street alone,
she searches for a direction
Will she choose, left or right?
Forward or backward?
Will she just stand in the center and let the cars pass?
She wonders,
she waits,
and she has no clue which way to turn.
She screams in agony at her confused state
and yet, there she stays.
In the middle of the road.
In the middle of the street.
With passersby staring,
with cars beeping,
men and women yelling,
"get out of the road!"
"Move!"
And yet, there she stays.
In the middle of the road.
In the middle of the street.
What shall she do?
She stands there for hours.
Thinking very carefully.
But each time that her foot lightly starts to react to her thoughts,
each time her foot may move,
she draws back afraid it may be the wrong way.
Soon shadows form around her,
till the sun has set
and the night's moon is full.
And yet, there she stays.
In the middle of the road.
In the middle of the street.
Until a large truck approaches the very spot she inhabits
Quietly at first, then an increasing roar, till...
screaming wheels tear her ears, till she's holding her head.
And as she begins to wonder if the truck shall ever stop.
As those tiny thoughts start to tingle her mind,
and fear starts to set in,
in the middle of the road,
in the middle of the street,
she...
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dragonshaker reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem was well written and describes what might or might not be the final moments of a persons life,why was she standing there did she want to die in a sensational way with the world crawling around her mangled corpse after the ineviatable demise?
There were many questions but one thing for sure if we lose it in life we probably lose it big time and are oblivious to the dangers which are around us.
There was a game some kids played at a local railway crossing in a suburb of where i live and it was called chicken it involves running accros the track when a train is due, can you imagine how many children die every year playing this game? this poem reminds me a little of their game playing a game of chance.
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RemyEvans reviewed Version 1 -
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Suspenseful! I have no idea what’s wrong with that poor girl, but love how you’ve portrayed everything. That no one moves her themselves is a nice statement, and one I hope you intended to make. :) Trapped by indecision? Afraid of any possibility? You leave these deliciously open, and rife with metaphors. Then of course the ending, leaving us to decide what we want while simultaneously showing what happens when you let yourself stay stuck.
No need for a comma in your third line. I’d like to see more consistency with your punctuation and grammar. Use it correctly, or use it when necessary; it becomes confusing when you don’t have a pattern. Sometimes you use a period, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you capitalize, sometimes you don’t. It distracts from what you’re trying to say.
You do a lot of nice showing regardless, and this piece has a lot of depth. I love it.
dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow…A feeling of not knowing where to turn, which direction to take in life. Instead of moving at all, she remains lost, frozen in time. Uncertain, afraid that if she went forward she would regret it. Even as she as there when a truck approaches her, she can’t decide on whether to move. Staying still in life is comfortable but not moving is just scary. I liked this piece because of it’s genuine originality.
jlryan31 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this in that you use a great metaphor at the inability of people sometimes to act and make decisions when they need to. I didn’t care for the ending so much in that it leaves the reader hanging. You built up the suspension and described the urgency of the situation quite well. Nicely done.
Wave reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem has a great concept, perfect flow, and the writer should not consider any revisions. This is one of the only poems I have truly enjoyed reading and a piece that I will mark in my favorites. The ending is haunting and memorable, that lingers with a strange sense of amusement.
misz_mixchick reviewed Version 1 -
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She what??
I like the suspensful ending but the vocabulary needs to be widened.
It has a good base, this could be the starting main idea, but it deff needs more work
DeanSky reviewed Version 1 -
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Thats sad. Why is she just sitting in neutral? She just doesnt go anywhere on the road of life? I guess some people do just get to scared to fly that they never do land huh? Well I like it I just wanted more at the end. It left me hanging a little. But overall I thought it had a good drawing feel to it.
myownlilworld99 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very interesting piece, quaint, strange. You really did a great job of holding the reader’s attention and ending on a suspenseful note, inspireing resentment and a wish to know the end.
Well done.
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